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DECOEUM 


A  PRACnCAti 


TREjlTISE  0\  ETIQUETTE  %  DIjESS 


BEST  AMERICAN  SOCIETY. 


^      Few  to  good  breedina  make  a  just  pretence; 
Good  tyreeding  is  the  blossom  of  good  sense : 
The  last  result  of  an  accomplish'd  mind. 
With  outward  grace,  the  body's  virtue,  join'd. 

YOUNG. 


SOLD   ONLY  BY  SUBSCRIPTION. 


HEW  YOBK  *  CHICAGO  : 

J.   A.   RUTH   &   Co. 
1879. 


Entered  according  to  A^t  of  Congress  In  the  year  1877,  by 

J.  A.  RUTH  &  CO., 
In  the  Office  of  the  Librarian  of  Congress,  at  Washington. 


Manufaetured  by 

J.  A.  RtTTH  &  Go's., 
Publishing  House. 


PEEFACE. 


So  much  has  been  written  on  the  subject  of' 
etiqette  and  dress,  that  it  would  seem  almost  im- 
possible to  say  anything  new.  In  the  preparation 
therefore  of  this  work  the  author  has  drawn  largely 
from  all  the  best  available  authorities  on  the  sub- 
ject, believing  that  the  combined  thoughts  and 
observations  of  the  best  thinkers  and  writers,  would 
be  far  more  valuable  than  anything  emanating 
from  the  pen  of  any  one  person. 

No  one  however  influential,  or  occupying  a  posi- 
tion however  exalted,  could  presume  to  dictate  rules 
for  the  conduct  of  others,  and  at  the  same  time  re- 
tain their  esteem  and  friendship  ;  for  this  reason  the 
name  of  the  author  of  this  book  is  withheld.  And 
yet,  no  one  will  question  the  necessity  and  utility  of 
a  work  of  this  kind.  Its  object  is  not  only  to  give 
the  usages  of  our  best  American  society,  to  disregard 
which  (though  many  of  them  seem — and  are  arbi- 
trary) would  subject  the  ofiender  to  the  epithet  of 


4  PREFACE. 

"  ill  bred,"  but  to  impart  that  information  by  which 
anyone  may  be  enabled  to  acquire  gentlemanly  ease, 
or  graceful  ladylike  deportment,  so  that  their  presence 
will  be  sought  for,  and  they  will  not  only  learn  that 
great  art  of  being  thoroughly  af  home  in  all  societies, 
but  will  have  that  rarer  gift  of  making  every  one 
1  around  them  feel  easy,  contented  and  happy. 

To  what  extent  the  object  of  the  work  is  attain- 
ed, we  will  leave  to  our  readers  to  decide. 

The  author  desires  to  express  his  thanks  to  those 
ladies  who  so  kindly  and  materially  assisted  in  the 
preparation  of  the  chapters  on  the  toilette,  dress,  &c., 
and  hopes  that  the  precepts  laid  down  in  this  work 
be  not  followed  as  infallible  oracles,  but  that  they 
be  combined  with  that  good  sense  and  good  judg- 
ment, which  alone  are  the  touch-stone  of  all  true 
gentility  and  good  manners. 


CONTENTS. 


CHAPTEK  I.  PAGB. 

IMTBODUCTORV.  11       22 

CHAPTER  XL 

ENTRANCE  INTO  SOCIETY.  23       29 

The  good  will  of  women— Social  connections— Being  natural— With  whom 
to  associate— What  to  tolerate— Common  place  speech— Modesty— Re- 
spectful deference— Ease  of  manner— Distinctions  in  conduct— Long 
usage— Selecting  company— Good  sense— Qualities  of  a  gentleman— 
Whom  to  imitate. 

CHAPTER  III. 

INTRODUCTIONS.  29       39 

By  relatives— Saluting  and  shaking  hands— First  introduction— Second 
or  subsequent  meeting— The  obligations  of — After  an  introduction — 
While  traveling— Introductory  letter  to  ladies— Receipt  of  introduct- 
ory letters— Requesting  a  letter  of— to  society— Bestowing  of  titles- 
Proper  forms  of— Ceremonious  phrases— Casual  introductions— Speak 
the  name  distinctly— Introduction  of  a  Lady  to  Gentlemen— in  other 
countries— With  permission— Without  permission— Meeting  on  the 
street— Morning  visitors— Introducing  yourself— Assisting  a  lady  in 

diiliculty. 

CHAPTER  IV. 

SALUTATIONS.  39      4T 

Forms  of  salutation— Of  different  nations— Words  of  salutation— For- 
eigners salutations— on  the  street— Meeting  in  the  street— Bow  of 
civility— Saluting  ladies— Etiquette  of  hand  shaking— The  kiss— The  kiss 
of  respect— The  kiss  of  friendship— Women  kissing  in  public. 

CHAPTER  V. 

SOCIAL  INTERCOURSE.  47      55 

The  value  of  knowledge— A  good  conscience^Good  character— A  well 
informed  man— Liberal  and  scientific  information— Employing  leisure 
moments— Softening  natural  ferocity— The  arts  of  peace— Differences 


vi.  CONTENTii. 

in  social  Intercourse— Slight  reflections— Improving  by  conversation- 
Learn  somethingr  from  all— Be  not  too  confldent— Narrow  and  limited 
views— Ckjnsulting  with  others— Difference  of  opiuioa. 

CHAPTER  VI. 

CONVERSATION.  55       VO 

Subjects  to  be  avoided— Talk  to  people  of  their  own  affairs— Avoid  talk- 
ing too  much  of  their  professions — Avoid  classical  quotations— Modu- 
lation—Slang— Using  proverbs  and  puns — Avoid  long  argnments— In- 
terrupting a  person  while  speaking— Whispering  in  society— Make  the 
topic  of  conversation  known— Witticisms— Avoid  unfamiliar  subjects 
Introducing  anecdotes— Correct  pronunciation— Avoid  repeating— Cul- 
tivating the  mind— Music— A  low  voice— Talk  well  about  trifles— Double 
entendres— Indelicate  words  and  expressions— Profanity— Listening— 
The  best  kind  of  conversation— Interjections— Avoid  wounding  the 
feelings  of  another— Affectations — Use  plain  words- Avoid  wit  which 
wounds— Proper  reserve— Professional  peculiarities— Modesty— Con- 
versing with  ladles— Concmsion. 

CHAPTER  VII 

VISITS.  70     90 

Visits  of  congratulation— Of  ceremony  or  calls^Tlme  to  make  ceremo- 
nious visits— Keep  an  account  of  ceremonious  visits— Visits  of  cere- 
mony among  friends— calling  at  an  inconvenient  hour— Visiting  at 
hotels— Visiting  the  sick— Style  of  conversation— Visits  of  condolence 
—Before  going  abroad— Leave  taking  of  a  family— Meeting  other 
visitors- Gentlemen's  morning  call— lleturnlng  from  the  country- 
Cards  for  ceremonious  visits— Calling  on  strangers— Engaged  or  not  at 
home— Evening  visits— Friendly  calls— Omitting  visits— Ceremonious 
visits— Suitable  times  for  visits— How  to  treat  visitors— Taking  a  seat 
while  visiting— Paying  equal  attention  to  all— Taking  a  friend  with 
you— Privileges  of  ladies^Vislting  acquaintances  alone— Preference  of 
seats— Respect  towards  the  aged  and  feeble— Discontinuing  work- 
Visiting  cards— Address  on  cards— Keeping  cards- Laying  aside  the 
bonnet— Habitual  visits— Short  visits— Unintentional  Intrusions— Free 
hospitality— Treatment  of  guests- Duties  of  the  visitor— Leavetaking. 

CHAPTER  VIIL 

DINNER  PARTIES  AND  BAIJjS.  91     116 

Invitations— Reply  to— Arriving  too  late— Manners  at  Table— Dress  neat- 
ly for  dinner  party— How  long  to  remain— Congenial  company— Num- 
ber of  guests— Manner  of  writing  invitations— Invitation  accepted— 
Declined— Invitation  to  tea  party— Reception  of  guests— Introduction 
of  guests— Proceeding  to  dinner — Arranging  guests— Intermingling 
guests— Asking  the  waiter  for  anything— Praising  every  dish— Picking 
your  teeth  at  table— Selecting  a  particular  dish— Duties  of  host  and 


CONTENTS.  viL 

hostess— Paringr  fruit  for  a  lady— Dipping:  bread  into  preserves— Soup- 
Fish— General  rules  regardiner  Dinner— Watching  how  others  do— Urg- 
ing: guests  to  eat— Waiting  on  others— Monopolizing  conversation- 
Signal  for  leaving  the  table— Dancing— Giving  a  ball— Choice  of  guests 
—Issuing  invitations— Prejudices  against  dancing— Notes  of  interoga- 
tlon— Variety  of  toilette— Choice  of  attire— Evening  party— The  cloak 
room- When  to  arrive— Refusing  to  dance — Giving  a  reason  for  not 
dancing— How  to  ask  a  lady  to  dance— Leaving  a  ball  room— Talking 
too  much— Wall  flowers— Duties  of  gentlemen— Duty  of  ladies— While 
dancing— Grace  and  modesty— Private  party- Pi^jpic  balls— Visit  of 
thanks— Deportment  in  public  places— General  rules  for  a  ball  room— 
Conclusion. 

CHAPTER  IX. 

STREET  BTIQCTETTB.  117     129 

Recognizing  friends  on  the  street— Omitting  to  recognize  acquaintances 
—Shaking  hands  with  a  lady— Young  ladles  conduct  on  the  street— Ac- 
companying visitors — Fulfilling  an  engagement — Conduct  while  shop- 
ping—Taking off  your  glove— Asking  information— Crossing  a  muddy 
street— Expensive  dress  in  the  street— Carriage  of  a  lady  in  public 
— Forming  acquaintances  in  public— Demanding  attention— Meeting  a 
lady  acquaintance— Stopping  a  lady  on  the  street—Passing  acquaintances 
—Crowding  before  another— Giving  the  arm— When  to  ofjer  the  arm- 
Returning  a  salute— Passing  before  a  lady— Corner  loaf ers— Shouting- 
Gentlemen  walkingwith  a  lady — Crossing  the  street— General  rules- 
Passing  through  a  crowd— Saluting  a  lady— Ascending  a  mountain- 
Meeting  on  the  street— Intrusive  inquiries  on  meeting— Smoking  while 
walking— Taking  off  your  hat. 

i  CHAPTER  X. 

KIDINQ  AND  DUIVINQ  130     135 

Etiquette  of  riding— Riding  in  public— Biding  with  ladies— Assisting  a  lady 
to  mount— Pace  in  riding— Meeting  f  ripnds  on  horse  back— Meeting  a 
lady— Assisting  a  lady  to  alight  from  a  horse— Entering  a  carriage— As- 
sisting a  lady  into  a  carriage. 

CHAPTER  XI. 

TKAVKLINQ.  136     145 

A  lady  traveling  alone— On  arrival  of  the  train— Arriving  at  destination 
Rushing  for  a  ticket  office— Personal  comfort— Rushing  for  the  table- 
Social  intercourse  while  traveling— Occupying  too  many  seats— Retain- 
ing a  seat— Etiquette  of  street  cars- Etiquette  of  ferry  boats— Check- 
ing familiarity— Duties  of  ladies  to  other  ladies  while  traveling— Con- 
sulting the  comfort  of  others— Attention  to  the  wants  of  others— Self- 
ishness of  ladies 


viii.  CONTENTS. 

CHAPTEB  XII. 

>     ITIQUETTE  OP  PUBLIC  PLACES.  146     159 

Church  Etiquette— visiting  an  artist— Conduct  in  picture  gralleries— Invi- 
tation to  opera  or  concert — Conduct  in  opera  theatre  or  public  hall — 
Church  or  fancy  fairs— Picnics— How  to  dress— Duties  of  grentlemea — 
Committee  of  arrangements— Boating— Rowing— Ladles  rowing. 

CHAPTER  XIII. 

BETTER  WRITINa. 

Letters  of  Intrd^ction— Letters  of  friendship— The  family  letter — 
Parents  to  children— Letters  of  love— Letters  of  business— Letters  of 
invitation— Invitation  to  a  party- General  advice  to  letter  writers. 

CHAPTER  XIV. 

COXTRTSHIP  AND  HARRIAQB.  1T7     198 

Charms  for  procuring  love— A  woman's  judgment— Love  and  marriage 
—Usages  of  society— Love  a  universal  passion— A  ladies  position— A 
gentleman's  position—  Conduct  of  a  gentleman  toward  ladies— Prema- 
ture declaration— Love  at  first  sight— Trilling  with  a  man's  feelings— 
A  poor  triumph— A  still  greater  crime— The  rejected  lover— Duty  of 
a  rejected  lover— Unmanly  conduct— Encouraging  the  address  of  a 
gentleman— Proposal  of  marriage — Forms  for  proposals— Proposal 
accepted— Protracted  engagements— Asking  Papa— An  engagement 
ring— The  relations  of  an  engaged  couple— Demonstrations  of  affection 
— Keeping  late  hours— A  domineering  lover— Breaking  an  engagement — 
By  letter— Acknowledging  such  letter— The  marriage  ceremony— Gen- 
eral rules— Congratulation— Ceremony  in  church— Leaving  the  church 
—Marriage  fees— Let  joy  be  unconflned— The  weddding  breakfast- 
Sending  cards— Wedding  cards — Calling  on  a  newly  married  couple— A 
joyous  period— Prof  essional  call  while  receiving  calls— Returning  wed- 
ding visits. 

CHAPTER  XV. 

DOMESTIC  ETIQUETTE  AND  DUTIES.  199     211 

Duties  of  the  wife— Avoid  all  cause  for  complaint— Beware  of  confidants 
— Hoarding  money  matters— How  to  keep  a  home— Avoid  concealment 
— Avoid  all  bickerings— Becoming  conduct  for  a  wife — Solomon's  de- 
scription-Duties of  a  husband— Things  to  remember— Accompany  your 
wife  to  church— A  breach  of  domestic  etiquette— Taking  your  wife 
into  your  confidence— Let  her  manage  her  own  affairs— Avoid  unneces- 
sary interference— Be  always  ready  to  praise— Avoid  comparisons- 
Conclusion. 

CHAPTER  XVI. 

TABLE  ETIQUETTE.  212    217 

The  breakfast  table— General  rules  for  behavior  at  table— Luncheon- 
Dinner.  A 


CONTENTS.  ix. 

CHAPTER  XVII. 

jnSCEIXANEOUS  RULES  OF  ETIQUETTE.  218     23T 

Presents  among:  friends— Presents  to  married  ladies— Present  by  married 
lady— Praising  presents— Making  parade— How  to  receive  a  present- 
Refusing  a  gift— Value  of  present— Governing  our  moods— Civility  due 
to  all  women — Keeping  engagements— Requisites  to  gain  esteem— Con- 
tempt and  haughtiness— Talking  of  yourself— A  filthy  habit— Avoid 
loud  conversation— Consulting  your  time  piece — Removing  the  hat — 
Smoking  in  presence  of  ladies— Relinquishing  a  ^t  for  a  lady— A 
man's  pride  and  principles— Avoid  religious  topics— Attention  to 
young  people  in  society— Reverential  regard  for  religion— Absent  min- 
dedness— Affectation— Confidence  and  secresy— A  woman's  good  name 
—Singing  In  company — Gentlemen  at  evening  parties— Accepting  an 
Invitation— Expresing  unfavorable  opinions— Checking  himself  in  con- 
versation.—Cautiousness  and  selfcontrol— Avoid  arguments— Civility— 
Courtesy— Improper  actions  and  attitudes- Good  maxims— Politeness 
— Washingrton's  maxims— Principles  of  good  breeding— Attention  to 
small  matters. 

CHAPTER  XVm. 

■WTASHINGTOIT  ETIQUETTE.  238     243 

Presidential  receptions— Private  calls  on  the  President— Social  duties  of 
cabinet  officers  and  their  families— Social  duties  of  Congressman  and 
their  families. 

CHAPTER  XIX. 

BUSINESS.  244   247 

CHAPTER  XX. 

ANNIVERSARY  WEDDINGS.  248    253 

The  paper  wedding— The  wooden  wedding— The  tin  wedding— The  crys- 
tal wedding— The  china  wedding— The  silver  wedding— The  Golden 
wedding— The  diamond  wedding— Presents  at  anniversary  weddings- 
Invitations  to  anniversary  weddings. 

CHAPTER  XXI. 

FUNERAI&  254    261 

Invitations  to  a  funeral— Charge  of  affairs  at  a  funeral— Expense  of  a 
funeral— General  rules  of  etiquette— Houses  of  mourning— Convey- 
ances for  a  funeral— Exhibiting  the  corpse— Receiving  guests  at  a 
funeral— Proceeding  to  the  cemetery— Flowers  at  a  funeral — Other  dec- 
orations upon  the  ooflin— After  the  funeral— Notification  of  death- 
Obligations  to  attend  a  funeral— Seclusion  of  the  bereaved  family- 
Period  of  mourning.  ^ 


X.  CONTENTS. 

* 

CHAPTER  XXII. 

DRESS.  262    290 

First  Impressions— Consistency  in  dress— Plain  dressing— Too  rich  dressing 
—Elegant  dressing— Appropriate  and  becoming  dress— Neglect  of  dress 
—Habitual  attention  to  attire— An  amiable  exterior— Dress  the  appro- 
priate finish  of  beauty— Taste— Simplicity  in  dress— Delicacy  and  har- 
mony—Using paints— Color  and  complexion— Dress  to  suit  the  occasion 
—Evening  dress—Bright  colored  gloves— Never  dress  above  your  station 
—Thinking  about  your  dress— Morning  dress  for  home— Morning  dress 
for  visitor— Morning  dress  for  street— Business  woman's  dress— The 
promenade— Material  of  a  walking  suit— Carriage  dress- Riding  dress 
—Dress  for  receiving  calls— Dress  of  hostess— Dinner  dress— Dress  of 
guests  at  dinner  party— Ordinary  evening  dress— Dress  for  evening  call 
—Dress  for  social  party— The  soiree  and  ball— Dress  for  church— Dress 
for  theatre— Dress  for  lecture  and  concert — Dress  for  opera — Croquet 
and  skating  costume — Costume  for  country  and  seaside— Bathing  cos- 
tume—Costume for  traveling— Going  to  Europe — Wedding  outfit— The 
wedding  dress— Dress  for  bride  groom— Dress  for  brides  maids— Travel- 
ing dress  of  bride — Marriage  of  a  widow— The  trousseau. 

CHAPTER  XXIII. 

HARMONY  OF  COLOR  IN  DRESS.  281     300 

Size  in  relation  to  dress  and  color. 
^  CHAPTER  XXIV. 

THE  TOILETTE.  301     830 

Health  and  beauty- The  dressing  room— Lady's  dressing  room— Gentle- 
man's dressing  room— The  bath— Air  bath— The  teeth— The  skin- The 
eye  lashes  and  brows— The  hair— The  beard— The  band. 

CHAPTER  XXV. 

TOILETTE  RECIPES.  331     353 

To  remove  freckles,  331— Wrinkles,  332— Discoloration  of  skin,  332— Sun- 
burn, 333— To  euro  chilblains,  333— Hair  curling  fluid,  334— To  prevent 
hair  falling  off,  33i— Rye  tooth  powder,  334— Bandoline,  335— Rose 
water,  335— Lip  salve,  335— Sticking  plaster,  336— To  improve  the  com- 
plexion, 336— Burns,  337— Pimpernel  water,  337— To  soften  the  hands, 
337— For  rough  and  chapped  hands,  338— To  prevent  hair  turning  gray, 
338— To  soften  and  beautify  the  hair,  338— To  remove  pimples,  338— To 
remove  tan,  339— Cure  for  corns,  339— To  clean  the  teeth  and  gums,  340 
—Cologne,  340— Ox  marrow  pomatum,  341— Dentifrice,  341— To  clean 
kid  gloves,  341— To  remove  a  tight  ring,  342— Cleaning  jewelry,  343— To 
clean  kid  boots,  343— Cleaning  silver,  344— To  remove  grease  spots,  344— 
To  clean  patent  leather  boots,  344— To  take  mildew  out  of  linen,  344— 
To  remove  stains  and  spots  ^^-om  silk,  345— &c.,  &c. 


INTRODUCTORY. 


CHAPTER  1. 


HIGH  birth  and  good  breeding  are  the  privi-  "^ 
leges  of  the  few ;  but  the  habits  and  man-  j 
ners  of  a  gentleman  may  be  acquired  by  all.  Nor 
is  their  acquirement  attended  with  difficulty.  Eti- 
quette is  not  an  art  requiring  the  study  of  a  life- 
time ;  on  the  contrary,  its  principles  are  simple,  and 
their  practical  application  involves  only  ordinary 
care,  tact  and  sagacity. 

To  gain  the  good  opinion  of  those  who  surround 
them,  is  the  first  interest  and  the  second  duty  of 
men  in  every  profession  of  life.  For  power  and  for 
pleasure,  this  preliminary  is  equally  indispensable. 
Unless  we  are  eminent  and  respectable  before  our 
fellow»beings,  we  cannot  possess  that  influence  which 
is  essential  to  the  accomplishment  of  great  designs ; 
and  men  have  so  inherent,  and  one  might  almost 
say  constitutional,  a  disposition  to  refer  all  that  they 
say  and  do,  to  the  thoughts  and  feelings  of  others, 
that  upon  the  tide  of  the  world's  opinion  floats  the 
complacency  of  every  man.     - 


12  INTRODUCTORY. 

And  here  we  may  find  the  uses  of  etiquette.  We 
are  not  all  equally  civilized ;  some  of  us  are  scarcely 
more  than  savage  by  nature  and  training,  or  rather 
lack  of  training.  Yet  we  all  wish  to  put  on  the  re- 
i  galia  of  civilization  that  we  may  be  recognized  as 
belonging  to  the  guild  of  ladies  and  gentlemen  in 
j   the  world. 

The  requisites  to  compose  this  last  character  are 

natural  ease  of  manner,  and  an  acquaintance  with 

the  "  outward   habit  of  encounter " — dignity   and 

self-possession — a  respect  for  all  the  decencies  of  life, 

fand  perfect  freedom  from  all  affectation. 

It  is  an  express  and  admirable  distinction  of  a 
gentleman,  that,  in  the  ordinary  affairs  of  life,  he  is 
extremely  slow  to  take  offense.  He  scorns  to  attrib- 
ute ungentle  motive,  and  dismisses  the  provocation 
without  dignifying  it  by  consideration.  For  instance, 
if  he  should  see  trifling  persons  laughing  in  another 
part  of  a  room,  when  he  might  suppose  that  they 
were  sneering  at  him,  or  should  hear  a  remark  from 
a  person  careless  of  his  speech,  which  he  could  con- 
strue to  be  disrespectful  to  himself,  he  will  presume 
that  they  are  swayed  by  the  same  exalted  sentiments 
as  those  which  dwell  within  his  own  bosom,  and  he 
will  not  for  a  moment  suffer  his  serenity  to  be  sullied 
by  suspicion.  If,  in  fact,  the  others  have  been  not 
altogether  unwilling  to  wound,  his  elevated  bearing 
will  shame  them  into  propriety. 

A  gentleman  never  is  embarrassed,  when,  in  the 
carelessness  of  conversation,  he  has  made  use  of  any 


INTBODUCTOBY.  13 

expression  which  is  capable  of  an  indecent  significa- 
tion, and  which,  in  vulgar  society,  would  be  the  pre- 
lude of  a  laugh.  He  gives  his  company  credit  for 
refinement  of  mind  and  entire  purity  of  association, 
and  permits  himself  to  speak  with  freedom  of  those 
things  which  are  commonly  the  accessories  of  evil, 
without  feeling  any  apprehension  that  the  idea  of  the 
evil  itself  may  be  excited. 

In  whatever  society,  or  in  whatever  part  of  the 
world,  a  gentleman  may  happen  to  be,  he  always 
complies  externally  with  the  spirit  and  usages  of  the 
place. 

His  constant  efibrt  is  never  to  wound  the  feelings 
of  another,  and  he  is  well  aware  that  prejudice  can 
excite  feeling  quite  as  strongly  as  truth.  Of  course, 
this  compliance  is  not  to  be  made  at  the  expense  of 
honor  and  integrity. 

A  gentleman  is  distinguished  as  much  by  his  com- 
posure as  by  any  other  quality.  His  exertions  are 
always  subdued,  and  his  efforts  easy.  He  is  never 
surprised  into  an  exclamation  or  startled  by  any- 
thing. Throughout  life  he  avoids  what  the  French 
call  scenes, — occasions  of  exhibition,  in  which  the 
vulgar  delight.  He  of  course  has  feelings,  but  he 
never  exhibits  any  to  the  world. 

A  gentleman  always  possesses  a  certain  self-re- 
spect,— not  indeed  touching  upon  self-esteem,  and  far 
removed  from  self-conceit, — which  relieves  him  from 
the  fear  of  failing  in  propriety,  or  incurring  remarks. 

Indeed,  a  gentleman,  in  the  ^highest  signification 


J4  INTRODUCTORY, 

of  the  term,  is  a  noble  animal.  Viewed  as  furnished 
with  all  those  qualities  which  should  unite  to  com- 
plete the  impression,  he  may  be  considered  as  the 
image  of  a  perfect  man.  He  has  all  that  is  valua- 
ble of  Christian  accomplishment,  he  has  its  gentle- 
ness, its  disinterestedness,  its  amiableness.  Employ- 
ing, in  the  regulation  of  his  own  conduct,  the  strict- 
est standard  of  propriety,  and  in  his  expectations  of 
that  of  others,  the  most  lenient ;  cautious  in  accept- 
ing quarrel,  more  cautious  in  giving  cause  for  it; 
lending  to  virtue  the  forms  of  courtesy,  and  borrow- 
ing from  her  the  substance  of  sincerity ;  forming  his 
opinions  boldly,  expressing  them  gracefully;  in 
action,  brave,  in  conference,  gentle;  always  anx- 
ious to  please,  and  always  willing  to  be  pleased ;  ex- 
pecting from  none  what  he  would  not  be  inclined  to 
yield  to  all ;  gi\dng  interest  to  small  things,  when- 
ever small  things  cannot  be  avoided,  and  gaining  el- 
evation from  great,  whenever  great  can  be  attained ; 
valuing  his  own  esteem  too  highly  to  be  guilty  of  dis- 
honor, and  the  esteem  of  others  too  considerately  to 
be  guilty  of  incivility ;  never  violating  decency,  and 
respecting  even  the  prejudices  of  honesty;  yielding 
with  an  air  of  strength,  and  opposing  with  an  ap- 
pearance of  submission;  full  of  courage,  but  free 
from  ostentation ;  without  assumption,  without  ser- 
vility ;  too  wise  to  despise  trifles,  but  too  noble  ever 
to  be  degraded  by  them ;  dignified  but  not  haughty, 
firm  but  not  impracticable,  learned  but  not  pedantic; 
to  his  superiors  respectful,  to  his  equals  courteous ; 


INTRODUCTORY.  15 

kind  to  his  inferiors,  and  wishing  well  to  all. 

It  is  this  modest  pride  which  gives  him  that  charm- 
ing ease,  which,  above  all  things,  marks  his  manner. 
He  would  converse  with  Kings,  or  the  embodied 
"blood  of  all  the  Howards,"  with  as  much  composure 
as  he  would  exhibit  in  speaking  to  his  footman. 

A  perfect  gentleman  instinctively  knows  just  what 
to  do  under  all  circumstances,  and  need  be  bound  by 
I  no  written  code  of  manners.  Yet  there  is  an  unwrit- 
ten code  which  is  as  immutable  as  the  laws  of  the 
I  Medes  and  Persians,  and  we  who  would  acquire  gen- 
1  tility  must  by  some  means  make  ourselves  familiar 
[with  this. 

The  true  gentleman  is  rare,  but,  fortunately  there 
is  no  crime  in  counterfeiting  his  excellences.  The 
best  of  it  is  that  the  counterfeit  may,  in  course  of 
time,  develop  into  the  real  thing. 

How  shall  I  describe  a  lady  ?  Solomon  hsis  done 
it  for  me: 

"  The  heart  of  her  husband  doth  safely  trust  in 
her." 

"  She  will  do  him  good,  and  n'ot  evil,  all  the  days 
of  her  life." 

"  She  girdeth  her  loins  with  strength,  and  strength- 
eneth  her  arms. 

"  She  stretcheth  out  her  hand  to  the  poor ;  yea  she 
reacheth  forth  her  hands  to  the  needy." 

"  She  maketh  herself  coverings  of  tapestry ;  her 
clothing  is  silk  and  purple." 

"  Her  husband  is  known  in  the  gates." 


16  INTR  OD  UCTOB  Y. 

"  Strength  and  honor  are  her  clothing." 
"She  openeth  her  mouth  with  wisdom;  and  in 
her  tongue  is  the  law  of  kindness." 
'  Strength,  honor,  wisdom,  goodness  and  virtue  are 
j  her  requisites.  A  woman  strong  and  womanly  in 
I  all  ways,  in  whom  the  heart  of  a  husband  can  safely 
\  trust — this  is  the  perfect  lady. 

That  all  should  seek  to  shape  the  way  and  fashion 
of  their  lives  in  accordance  with  these  models  there 
can  be  no  doubt.  The  best  and  surest  course  to  pur- 
sue for  that  end  is  to  look  for,  and  to  imitate  as  far 
as  possible,  the  manifestations  of  the  characteristics 
I  have  endeavored  to  describe.  And  that  which  was 
at  first  mere  imitation  may  become  at  last  a  second 
nature. 

Good  manners  were  perhaps  originally  but  an  ex- 
pression of  submission  from  the  weaker  to  the 
stronger,  and  many  traces  of  their  origin  still  remain; 
but  a  spirit  of  kindliness  and  unselfishness  born  of 
a  higher  order  of  civilization  permeates  for  the  most 
■  part  the  code  of  politeness. 

As  an  illustration  of  this,  we  cannot  do  better  than 
cite  the  requirements  of  good  breeding  in  regard  to 
women.  It  is  considered  perfectly  proper  in  the 
more  barbarous  forms  of  society  to  treat  woman  with 
all  contumely.  In  polite  society  great  deference  is 
paid  to  her  and  certain  seemingly  arbitrary  require- 
ments are  made  in  her  favor.  Thus  a  gentleman  is 
always  expected  to  vacate  his  seat  in  favor  of  a  lady 
who  is  unprovided  with  one.    If  it  were  possible  to 


INTBODUCTOBY.  17 

carry  discrimination  into  this  matter  of  yielding  up 
seats,  and  require  that  the  young,  healthful  and 
strong  of  either  sex  should  stand  that  the  old,  weak 
and  invalid  of  both  sexes  might  sit,  there  could  be 
no  possible  doubt  as  to  the  propriety  of  the  regula- 
tion. 

The  wisdom  of  the  social  law,  as  it  really  is,  seems 
open  to  question.  Yet  it  is  wise  and  right,  never- 
theless. Taking  men  as  a  whole,  they  are  better 
able  to  endure  the  fatigue  of  standing  than  women. 
Women  as  the  mothers  of  the  race,  the  bearers  and 
nurses  of  children,  are  entitled  to  special  considera- 
tion and  care  on  account  of  the  physical  disabilities 
which  these  duties  entail ;  and  even  if  in  their  ordi- 
nary health  they  are  capable  of  enduring  fatigue, 
still  there  are  times  when  to  compel  them  to  this 
endurance  is  cruel  and  unjust.  Since  women  prefer, 
as  a  rule,  to  conceal  their  womanly  weaknesses  and 
disabilities  as  far  as  practicable,  it  is  impossible  for 
individual  men  to  judge  of  the  strength  or  weakness 
of  individual  women.  Thus,  when  a  man  rises  from 
his  seat  to  give  it  to  a  woman,  he  silently  says,  in 
the  spirit  of  true  and  noble  manliness,  "I  offer  you- 
this,  madam,  in  memory  of  my  mother,  who  suffered 
that  I  might  live,  and  of  my  present  or  future  wife, 
who  is,  or  is  to  be,  the  mother  of  my  children." 
Such  devotion  of  the  stronger  sex  to  the  weaker  is 
beautiful  and  just ;  and  this  chivalrous  spirit,  carried 
through  all  the  requirements  of  politeness,  has  a  sig- 
nificance which  should   neither  bo  overlooked  nor 


18  INTRODUCTORY. 

undervalued.  It  is  the  very  poetry  of  life,  and 
tends  toward  that  further  development  of  civiliza- 
tion when  all  traces  of  woman's  original  degradation 
shall  be  lost. 

Those  who  would  think  slightingly  of  the  impor- 
tance of  good  manners  should  read  Emerson,  who 
says ;  "  When  we  reflect  how  manners  recommend, 
prepare  and  draw  people  together;  how,  in  all  clubs, 
manners  make  the  tnembers;  how  manners  make 
the  fortune  of  the  ambitious  youth;  that,  for  the 
most  part,  his  manners,  marry  him,  and  for  the  most 
part,  he  marries  manners;  when  we  think  what  keys 
they  are,  and  to  what  secrets;  what  high  lessons  and 
inspiring  tokens  of  character  they  convey;  and  what 
divination  is  required  in  us  for  the  reading  of  this 
fine  telegraph, — tre  see  what  range  the  subject  has, 
and  what  relations  to  convenience,  form  and  beauty. 
The  maxim  of  courts  is  power.  A  calm  and  reso- 
lute bearing,  a  polished  speech,  an  embellishment  of 
trifles  and  the  art  of  hiding  all  uncomfortable  feel- 
ings are  essential  to  the  courtier.  .  .  .  Manners  im- 
press, as  they  indicate  real  power.  A  man  who  is 
sure  of  his  point  carries  a  broad  and  contented  ex- 
pression, M'hich  everybody  reads;  and  you  cannot 
rightly  train  to  an  air  and  manner  except  by  mak- 
ing him  the  kind  of  man  of  whom  that  manner  is 
the  natural  expression.  Nature  forever  puts  a  pre- 
mium on  reality." 

Lord  Chesterfield  declared  good  breeding  to  be 
"the  result  of  much  good  sense,  some  good  nature, 


•  INTBODUCTOEY.  19 

and  a  little  self-denial  for  the  sake  of  others  and 
with  a  view  to  obtain  the  same  indulgence  from 
them."  The  same  authority  in  polite  matters  says : 
"Good  sense  and  good  nature  suggest  civility  in  gen- 
eral, but  in  good  breeding  there  are  a  thousand  lit- 
tle delicacies  which  are  established  only  by  cus- 
tom." 

"  Etiquette,"  says  a  modern  English  author, "  may 
be  defined  as  the  minor  morality  of  life.  No  obser- 
vances, however  minute,  that  tend  to  spare  the  feel- 
ings of  others,  can  be  classed  under  the  head  of  tri- 
vialities; and  politeness,  which  is  but  another  name 
for  general  amiability,  will  oil  the  creaking  wheels 
of  life  more  effectually  than  any  of  those  unguents 
supplied  by  mere  wealth  and  station. 

/  As  to  the  technical  part  of  politeness,  or  forms 
alone,  the  intercourse  of  society,  and  good  advice,  are 
undoubtedly  useful;  but  the  grand  secret  of  never 
failing  in  propriety  of  deportment,  is  to  have  an  in- 
tention of  always  doing  what  is  right.  With  such 
a  disposition  of  mind,  exactness  in  observing  what 
is  proper  appears  to  all  to  possess  a  charm  and  in- 
fluence ;  and  then  not  only  do  mistakes  become  ex- 
cusable, but  they  become  even  interesting  from  their 

1  thoughtlessness  and  naivete.  Be,  therefore,  modest 
and  benevolent,  and  do  not  distress  yourself  on  ac- 
count of  the  mistakes  of  your  inexperience;  a  little 
attention,  and  the  advice  of  a  friend  will  soon  cor- 
rect these  trifling  errors. 
/    Morals,  lay  the  foundation  9f  manners.    A  well- 


20  IJSTBODUCTOBY.  • 

ordered  mind,  a  well-regulated  heart,  produce  the 
best  conduct.  The  rules  which  a  philosopher  or 
moralist  lays  down  for  his  own  guidance,  properly- 
developed,  lead  to  the  most  courteous  acts.  Frank- 
lin laid  down  for  himself  the  following  rules  to  reg- 
ulate his  conduct  through  life : — 

Eat  not  to  dullness ;  drink  not  to  elevation 

Speak  not  but  what  may  benefit  others  or  your- 
self; avoid  trifling  conversation. 

Let  all  your  things  have  their  places;  let  each 
part  of  your  business  have  its  time. 

Resolve  to  perform  what  you  ought ;  perform  with- 
out fail  what  you  resolve. 

Make  no  expense  but  to  do  good  to  others,  or  to 
yourself;  t. e.,  waste  nothing. 

Lose  no  time ;  be  always  employed  in  something 
useful;  cut  off  all  unnecessary  actions. 

Use  no  hurtful  deceit ;  think  innocently  and  just- 
ly; and  if  you  speak,  speak  accordingly. 

Wrong  none  by  doing  injuries,  or  omitting  the 
benefits  that  are  your  duty. 

Avoid  extremes;  forbear  resenting  injuries  so 
much  as  you  think  they  deserve. 

Tolerate  no  uncleanliness  in  body,  clothes  or  hab- 
itation. 

Be  not  disturbed  at  trifles,  or  at  accidents  com- 
mon or  unavoidable,  and  "be  temperate  in  all 
things." 

Let  these  rules  be  applied  to  the  elegant  inter- 
course of  life,  and  they  are  precisely  what  is  requir- 


INTRODUCTORY.  21 

ed.    Those  who  would  set  good  morals  and  good 
manners  at  variance,  wrong  both. 

That  true  good  breeding  consists  not  in  the  man- 
ner, but  in  the  mind,  is  one  of  those  insipid  com- 
mon-places that  the  world  delights  to  be  told.  That  a 
pleasing  exterior  of  appearance,  and  an  insinuating 
habit  of  demeanor,  may  be  perfectly  attained  by  one, 
to  whose  feelings  honor  is  a  stranger,  and  generosity 
utterly  unknown,  it  would  be  absurd  to  deny.  But 
there  unquestionably  goes  more  than  this  to  the  for- 
mation of  a  thorough  gentleman.  Separated  from 
native  loftiness  of  sentiment,  we  rarely  discover  those 
courtly,  and,  if  I  may  say  so,  those  magnanimous 
manners,  which  constitute  a  high-bred  man. 


CHAPTER  11. 
ENTRANCE  INTO  SOCIETY. 

WOMEN,  particularly  women  a  little  on  the 
decline,  are  those  who  inake  the  reputa- 
tion of  a  young  man.  When  the  lustre  of  their  dis- 
tinction begins  to  fade,  a  slight  feeling  of  less  wont- 
ed leisure,  perhaps  a  little  spite,  makes  them  observe 
attentively  those  who  surround  them.  Eager  to 
gain  new  admirers,  they  encourage  the  first  steps  of 
a  debutant  in  the  career  of  society,  and  exert  them- 
selves to  fit  him  to  do  honor  to  their  patronage. 

Thb  good  will  op  Women. 

A  young  man  in  entering  society  cannot  be  too 
attentive  to  conciliate  the  good  will  of  women.  Their 
approbation  and  support  will  serve  him  instead  of  a 
thousand  good  qualities.  Their  judgment  dispenses 
with  fortune,  talent  and  even  intelligence. 

Social  Connections. 

The  desire  of  pleasing  is,  of  course,  the  basis  of 
social  connection.  Persons  who  enter  society  with  the 
intention  of  producing  an  effect,  and  of  being  dis- 


ENTRANCE  INTO  SOCIETY,  23 

tinguished,  however  clever  they  may  be,  are  never 
agreeable.  They  are  always  tiresome,  and  often  ri- 
diculous. Persons,  who  enter  life  with  such  preten- 
sions, have  no  opportunity  for  improving  themselves 
and  profiting  by  experience.  They  are  not  in  a  prop- 
er state  to  observe.  Indeed,  they  look  only  for  the 
effect  which  they  produce,  and  with  that  they  are 
not  often  gratified.  They  thrust  themselves  into  all 
conversations,  indulge  in  continual  anecdotes,  which 
are  varied  only  by  dull  disquisitions,  listen  to  others 
with  impatience  and  heedlessness,  and  are  angry 
that  they  seem  to  be  attending  to  themselves.  Such 
persons  go  through  scenes  of  pleasure,  enjoying 
nothing.  They  are  equally  disagreeable  to  them- 
selves and  others. 

Being  Natural. 

Young  men  should  content  themselves  with  being 
natural.  Let  them  present  themselves  with  a  mod- 
est assurance:  let  them  observe,  hear,  and  examine, 
and  before  long  they  will  rival  their  models. 

With  whom  to  Associate. 

The  conversation  of  those  women  who  are  not  the 
most  lavishly  supplied  with  personal  beauty,  will  be 
of  the  most  advantage  to  the  young  aspirant.  Such 
persons  have  cultivated  their  manners  and  conver- 
sation more  than  those  who  can  rely  upon  their  nat- 
ural endowments.  The  absence  of  pride  and  preten- 
sion has  improved  their  good  nature  and  their  afifa- 


24  ENTRANCE  INTO  SOCIETY. 

bility.  They  are  not  too  much  occupied  in  contem- 
plating their  own  charms,  to  be  indisposed  to  indulge 
in  gentle  criticism  on  others.  One  acquires  from 
them  an  elegance  in  one's  manners  as  well  as  one's 
expressions.  Their  kindness  pardons  every  error 
and  to  instruct  or  reprove,  their  acts  are  so  delicate 
that  the  lesson  which  they  give,  always  without  of- 
fending, is  sure  to  be  profitable,  though  it  may  be 
often  unperceived. 

-  "Women  observe  all  the  delicacies  of  propriety  in 
manners,  and  all  the  shades  of  impropriety,  much 
better  than  men;  not  only  because  they  attend  to 
them  earlier  and  longer,  but  because  their  percep- 
tions are  more  refined  than  those  of  the  other  sex, 
who  are  habitually  employed  about  greater  things. 
Women  divine,  rather  than  arrive  at  proper  conclu- 
sions. 

What  to  Tolerate. 

The  whims  and  caprices  of  women  in  society 
should  of  course  be  tolerated  by  men,  who  themselves 
require  toleration  for  greater  inconveniences.  But 
this  must  not  be  carried  too  far.  There  are  certain 
limits  to  empire  which,  if  they  themselves  forget, 
should  be  pointed  out  to  them  with  delicacy  and 
politeness.  You  should  be  the  slave  of  women,  but 
not  of  all  their  fancies. 

Common  Place  Speech. 
Compliment  is  the  language  of  intercourse  from 


ENTRANCE  INTO  SOCIETY.  25 

men  to  women.  But  be  careful  to  avoid  elaborate 
and  common-place  forms  of  gallant  speech.  Do  not 
strive  to  make  those  long  eulogies  on  a  woman, 
which  have  the  regularity  and  nice  dependency  of  a 
proposition  in  Euclid,  and  might  be  fittingly  con- 
cluded by  Q.  E.  D.  Do  not  be  always  undervaluing 
her  rival  in  a  woman's  presence,  nor  mistaking  a 
woman's  daughter  for  her  sister.  These  antiquated 
and  exploded  attempts  denote  a  person  who  has 
learned  the  world  more  from  books  than  men. 

Modesty. 

The  quality  which  a  young  man  should  most  af- 
fect in  intercourse  with  gentlemen,  is  a  decent  modes- 
ty :  but  he  must  avoid  all  bashfulness  or  timidity. 
His  flights  must  not  go  too  far ;  but,  so  far  as  they 
go,  let  them  be  marked  by  perfect  assurance. 

Respectful  Deference. 

Among  persons  who  are  much  your  seniors  behave 
with  the  most  respectful  deference.  As  they  find 
themselves  sliding  out  of  importance  they  may  be 
easily  conciliated  by  a  little  respect. 

Ease  of  Manner. 

By  far  the  most  important  thing  to  be  attended  to, 
is  ease  of  manner.  Grace  may  be  added  afterwards, 
or  be  omitted  altogether:  it  is  of  much  less  moment 
than  is  commonly  believed.  Perfect  propriety  and 
entire  ease  are  sufficient  qualifications  for  standing 


26  ENTRANCE  INTO  SOCIETY. 

in  society,  and  abundant  prerequisites  for  distinc- 
tion. 

Distinctions  in  Conduct. 

There  is  the  most  delicate  shade  of  difference  be- 
tween civility  and  intrusiveness,  familiarity  and 
common-place,  pleasantry  and  sharpness,  the  natur- 
al and  the  rude,  gaiety  and  carelessness ;  hence  the 
inconveniences  of  society,  and  the  errors  of  its  mem- 
bers. To  define  well  in  conduct  these  distinctions, 
is  the  great  art  of  a  man  of  the  world.  It  is  easy  to 
know  what  to  do ;  the  difficulty  is  to  know  what  to 
avoid. 

Long  Usage. 

A  sort  of  moral  magnetism,  a  tact  acquired  by 
frequent  and  long  associating  with  others — alone 
give  those  qualities  which  keep  one  always  from  er- 
ror, and  entitle  him  to  the  name  of  a  thorough 
gentleman. 

Selecting  Company. 

A  young  man  or  woman  upon  first  entering  into 
society  should  select  those  persons  who  are  most  cel- 
ebrated for  the  propriety  and  elegance  of  their  man- 
ners. They  should  frequent  their  company,  and  im- 
itate their  conduct.  There  is  a  disposition  inherent 
in  all,  which  has  been  noticed  by  Horace  and  by 
Dr.  Johnson,  to  imitate  faults,  because  they  are  more 


ENTRANCE  INTO  SOCIETY.  27 

readily  observed  and  more  easily  followed.  There 
are,  also,  many  foibles  of  manner  and  many  refine- 
ments of  affectation,  which  sit  agreeably  upon  one 
man,  which  if  adopted  by  another  would  become 
unpleasant.  There  are  even  some  excellences  of  de- 
portment which  would  not  suit  another  whose  char- 
acter is  different. 

Good  Sense, 

For  successful  imitation  in  anything,  good  sense 
is  indispensable.  It  is  requisite  correctly  to  appre- 
ciate the  natural  differences  between  your  model  and 
yourself,  and  to  introduce  such  modifications  in  the 
copy  as  may  be  consistent  with  them. 

Qualities  op  a  Gentleman. 

Let  not  any  man  imagine,  that  he  shall  easily  ac- 
quire those  qualities  which  will  constitute  him  a 
gentleman.  It  is  necessary  not  only  to  exert  the 
highest  degree  of  art,  but  to  attain  also  that  higher 
accomplishment  of  concealing  art.  The  serene  and 
elevated  dignity  which  mark  that  character,  are  the 
result  of  untiring  and  arduous  effort.  After  the 
sculpture  has  attained  the  shape  of  propriety,  it  re- 
mains to  smooth  off  all  the  marks  of  the  chisel. 
"A  gentleman,"  says  a  celebrated  French  author,  "is 
one  who  has  reflected  deeply  upon  all  the  obliga- 
tions which  belong  to  his  station,  and  who  has  ap- 
plied himself  ardently  to  fulfill  them  with  grace." 


28  ENTRANCE  INTO  SOCIETY. 

Whom  to  Imitate. 

He  who  is  polite  without  importunity,  gallant  with-; 
out  being  offensive,  attentive  to  the  comfort  of  all;  em- 
ploying a  well-regulated  kindness,  witty  at  the  proper 
times  discreet,indulgent,generous,who  exercises,  in  his 
sphere,  a  high  degree  of  moral  authority ;  he  it  is, 
and  he  alone,  that  one  should  imitate. 


CHAPTER  III. 
INTBODUCTIONS. 

IN  the  introduction  of  one  gentleman  to  another, 
great  prudence  and  caution  must  be  used  by  the 
really  polite  man ;  but  in  the  introduction  of  ladies 
to  each  other,  and  to  gentlemen,  infinitely  more  care 
is  necessary,  as  a  lady  cannot  shake  off  an  improper 
acquaintance  with  the  same  facility  as  a  gentleman 

fcan  do,  and  her  character  is  much  easier  affected  by 
apparent  contact  with  the  worthless  and  the  dissi- 
pated. 
It  is  incumbent,  therefore,  on  ladies  to  avoid  all 
proffers  of  introductions,  unless  from  those  on  whom 
!  from  relationship  or  other  causes,  they  can  place  the 
1  most  implicit  confidence. 

Introductions  by  Relatives. 

As  a  general  rule,  ladies  may  always  at  once  ac- 
cord to  any  offers  of  introduction  that  may  proceed 
from  a  father,  mother,  husband,  sister,  or  brother; 
those  from  intimate  cousins  and  tried  friends  are 
also  to  be  considered  favorably,  although  not  to  be 


30  INTRODUCTIONS. 

entitled  to  the  same  implicit  reliance  as  the  former. 
Formerly  it  was  the  habit  for  the  ladies  to  curtsey 
on  being  introduced,  but  this  has  latterly  been 
changed  into  the  more  easy  and  graceful  custom  of 
bowing. 

Saluting  and  Shaking  Hands. 

The  habit  of  saluting  and  shaking  hands  is  now 
quite  obsolete,  except  in  some  country  towns  where 
ladies  at  first  introductions  salute  other  ladies  by 
kissing  them  on  the  cheek,  and  fervently  shake  the 
hands  of  the  gentlemen. 

First  Introduction. 

At  present,  in  the  best  society,  all  that  a  lady  is 
called  upon  to  do,  upon  a  first  introduction  either  to 
a  lady  or  a  gentleman,  is  to  make  a  slight,  but  gra- 
cious inclination  of  the  head. 

Second  or  Subsequent  Meeting. 

Upon  one  lady  meeting  another  for  the  second  or 
subsequent  times,  the  hand  may  be  extended  in  sup- 
plement to  the  inclination  of  the  head  ;  but  no  lady 
should  ever  extend  her  hand  to  a  gentleman,  unless 
she  is  very  intimate, — a  bow  at  meeting  and  one  at 
parting,  is  all  that  is  necessary. 

The  Obligations  of  Introduction. 

Two  persons  who  have  been  properly  introduced 
have  in  future  certain  claims  upon  one  another's  ac- 


INTBOD  UCTI0N8.  31 

quaintance  which  should  be  recognized  unless  there 
are  sufficient  reasons  for  overlooking  them.  Even 
in  that  case  good  manners  require  the  formal  bow  of 
recognition  upon  meeting,  which  of  itself  encoura- 
ges no  familiarity.  Only  a  very  ill-bred  person  will 
meet  another  with  a  vacant  stare. 

After  an  Introduction. 

If  you  wish  to  avoid  the  company  of  any  one  that 
has  been  properly  introduced,  satisfy  your  own  mind 
that  your  reasons  are  correct ;  and  then  let  no  in- 
ducement cause  you  to  shrink  from  treating  him 
with  respect,  at  the  same  time  shunning  his  com- 
pany. No  gentleman  will  thus  be  able  either  to 
blame  or  mistake  you. 

Introductions  while  Traveling. 

If,  in  traveling,  any  one  introduces  himself  to  you 
and  does  it  in  a  proper  and  respectful  manner,  con- 
duct yourself  towards  him  with  politeness,  ease,  and 
dignity;  if  he  is  a  gentleman,  he  will  appreciate 
your  behavior — and  if  not  a  gentleman  will  be  de- 
terred from  annoying  you;  but  acquaintanceships 
thus  formed  must  cease  where  they  began.  Your 
entering  into  conversation  with  a  lady  or  gentleman 
while  traveling  does  not  give  any  of  you  a  right  to 
after  recognition.  If  any  one  introduces  himself,  to 
you  in  a  manner  betraying  the  least  want  of  respect, 
either  towards  you  or  himself,  you  can  only  turn 
from  him  in  dignified  silence, — and  if  he  presumes 


32  INTR  OD  UCTIONS. 

to  address  you  further,  then  there  is  no  punishment 
too  severe. 

Introductory  Letter  to  Ladies. 

Be  very  cautious  of  giving  a  gentleman  a  letter 
of  introduction  to  a  lady ;  for  remember,  in  propor- 
tion as  you  are  esteemed  by  the  lady  to  whom  it  is 
addressed,  so  do  you  claim  for  your  friend  her  good 
wishes, — and  such  letters  are  often  the  means  of  set- 
tling the  weal  or  the  woe  of  the  parties  for  life. 
Ladies  should  never  themselves,  unless  upon  cases 
of  the  most  urgent  business,  deliver  introductory 
letters,  but  should  send  them  in  an  envelope  inclos- 
ing their  card. 

Receipt  op  Introductory  Letters. 

On  receipt  of  an  introductory  letter,  take  it  into 
instant  consideration;  if  you  are  determined  not  to 
receive  the  party,  write  at  once  some  polite,  plausi- 
ble, but  dignified  cause  of  excuse.  If  the  party  is 
one  you  think  fit  to  receive,  then  let  your  answer  be 
accordingly,  and  without  delay ;  never  leave  unan- 
swered till  the  next  day  a  letter  of  introduction. 

If  any  one  whom  you  have  never  seen  before  call 
with  a  letter  of  introduction,  and  you  know  from  its 
appearance  who  sent  it,  desire  the  person  to  sit  down, 
and  at  once  treat  them  politely ;  but  if  you  do  not 
recognize  the  hand-writing  it  is  quite  proper,  after 
requesting  them  to  be  seated,  to  beg  their  pardon,  and 


INTB  OB  UCTIONS.  33 

peruse  the  letter  in  order  that  you  may  know  how 
to  act. 

Requesting  a  Letter  of  Introduction. 

If  any  one  requests  a  letter  of  introduction,  and 
you  do  not  consider  that  it  would  be  prudent,  either 
in  respect  to  your  situation  with  the  person  so  re- 
questing it,  or  with  the  one  to  whom  it  would  be 
addressed,  refuse  it  with  firmness,  and  allow  no  in- 
ducement whatever  to  alter  your  purpose. 

Introduction  to  Society. 

On  your  introduction  to  society,  be  modest,  retir- 
ing, unassuming,  and  dignified ;  pay  respect  to  all, 
but  most  to  those  who  pay  you  the  most,  provided 
it  is  respectful  and  timely. 

Bestowing  of  Titles. 

In  introducing  a  person  be  sure  to  give  him  his 
appropriate  title,  as  some  persons  are  jealous  of  their 
dignity.  If  he  is  a  clergyman,  say  "The  Rev.  Mr. 
Forsyth."  If  a  doctor  of  divinity,  say  "The  Rev. 
Dr.  Forsyth."  If  he  is  a  member  of  Congress,  call 
him  "  Honorable,"  and  specify  to  which  branch  of 
Congress  he  belongs.  If  he  be  governor  of  a  State, 
mention  what  State.  If  he  is  a  man  of  any  celebri- 
ty in  the  world  of  art  or  letters,  it  is  well  to  mention 
the  fact  something  after  this  manner :  "  Mr.  Ellis, 
the  artist,  whose  pictures  you  have  frequently  seen," 


34  INTR  OD  UCTIONS. 

or  "Mr.  Smith,  author  of  'The  World  after  the  Del-, 
uge,'  which  you  so  greatly  admired." 

Proper  Forms  op  Introduction. 

The  proper  form  of  introduction  is  to  present  the 
gentleman  to  the  lady,  the  younger  to  the  older,  the 
inferior  to  the  superior;  Thus  you  will  say  :  "  Mrs. 
Gary,  allow  me  to  present  to  you  Mr.  Rhodes:  Mr. 
Rhodes,  Mrs.  Gary ;"  "Mrs.  Wood,  let  nie  present  to 
you  my  friend  Miss.  Ewing ;"  "General  Graves,  per- 
mit me  to  introduce  to  you  Mr.  Hughes."  The  ex- 
act words  used  in  introductions  are  immaterial,  so 
that  the  proper  order  is  preserved. 

It  is  better,  among  perfect  equals,  to  employ  the 
phrase,  "Permit  me  to  present  you  to  *  *,"  than 
"Permit  me  to  present  to  you  *  *;"  there  are  men  in 
this  world,  and  men,  too,  who  are  gentlemen,  who 
are  so  sensitive  that  they  would  be  offended  if  the 
latter  of  these  forms  was  employed  in  presenting 
them  to  another. 

Ceremonious  Phrases. 

These  ceremonious  phrases,  "Permit  me  to  present, 
&c.,"  are  not  to  be  employed  unless  the  acquaintance 
has  been  solicited  by  one  party,  under  circumstan- 
ces of  mere  ceremony;  and  when  you  employ  them, 
do  not  omit  to  repeat  to  each  distinctly  the  name  of 
the  other. 


INTMODUCTIONS.  35 

Casual  Inteoductions. 

When  two  men  unacquainted  meet  one  another 
where  it  is  obviously  necessary  that  they  should  be 
made  known  to  each  other,  perform  the  operation 
with  mathematical  simplicity  and  precision,  -"Mr. 
A.,  Mr.  A.^;  Mr.  A.\  Mr.  A." 

Speak  the  Name  Distinctly. 

« 

When,  upon  being  presented  to  another,  you  do 
not  feel  certain  of-  having  caught  his  name,  it  may 
be  worse  than  awkward  to  remain,  as  it  were,  shoot- 
ing the  dark ;  say,  therefore,  at  once,  without  hesita- 
tion or  embarrassment,  before  making  your  bow,  "  I 
beg  your  pardon,  I  did  not  hear  the  name." 

Introduction  op  a  Lady  to  Gentlemen. 

When  you  are  presented  to  a  gentleman,  do  not 
give  your  hand,  but  merely  bow,  with  politeness : 
and,  if  you  have  requested  the  presentment,  or  know 
the  person  by  reputation,  you  may  make  a  speech, — 
indeed,  in  all  cases  it  is  courteous  to  add,  "I  am  hap- 
py to  make  your  acquaintance,"  or,  "I  am  happy  to 
have  the  honor  of  your  acquaintance."  I  am  aware 
that  high  authority  might  be  found  in  this  country 
to  sanction  the  custom  of  giving  the  hand  upon  a 
first  meeting,  but  it  is  undoubtedly  a  solecism  in 
manners.  The  habit  has  been  adopted  by  us,  with 
some  improvement  for  the  worse,  from  France. 


86  INTRODUCTIONS, 

Introductions  in  Other  Countries. 

When  two  Frenchmen  are  presented  to  one  anothv 
er,  each  presses  the  other's  hand  with  delicate  affec- 
tion. The  English,  however,  never  do  so ;  and  the 
practice  is  altogether  inconsistent  with  the  caution 
of  manner  which  is  characteristic  of  their  nation 
and  our  own.  If  we  are  to  follow  the  French  in 
shaking  hands  wdth  one  whom  we  have  never  before 
seen,  we  should  certainly  imitate  them  also  in  kiss- 
ing our  intimate  male  acquaintances.  There  are 
some  Americans,  indeed,  who  will  not  leave  this 
matter  optional,  but  will  seize  your  hand  in  spite  of 
you,  and  visit  it  pretty  roughly  before  you  recover 
it.  Next  to  being  presented  to  the  Grand  Jury,  is 
the  nuisance  of  being  presented  to  such  persons. 
Such  handling  is  most  unhandsome. 

Introductions  with  Permission. 

A  gentleman  should  not  be  presented  to  a  lady 
without  her  permission  being  previously  asked  and 
granted.  This  formality  is  not  necessary  between 
men  alone ;  but,  still,  you  should  not  present  any 
one,  even  at  his  own  request,  to  another,  unless  j'^ou 
are  quite  well  assured  that  the  acquaintance  will  be 
agreeable  to  the  latter.  You  may  decline  upon  the 
ground  of  not  being  sufficiently  intimate  yourself. 
A  man  does  himself  no  service  with  another  when 
he  obliges  him  to  know  people  whom  he  would 
rather  avoid. 


INTRODUCTIONS,  '      37 

Inteoductions  without  Permission. 

There  are  some  exceptions  to  the  necessity  of  ap- 
plying to  a  lady  for  her  permission.  At  a  party  or 
a  dance,  the  mistress  of  the  house  may  present  any 
man  to  any  woman  without  application  to  the  lat- 
ter. A  sister  may  present  her  brother,  and  a  moth- 
er may  present  her  son,  upon  their  own  authority ; 
but  they  should  be  careful  not  to  do  this  unless 
where  they  are  very  intimate,  and  unless  there  is  no 
inferiority  on  their  part.  A  woman  may  be  very 
willing  to  know  another  woman,  without  caring  to 
be  saddled  with  her  whole  family.  As  a  general 
rule,  it  is  better  to  be  presented  by  the  mistress  of 
the  house,  than  by  any  other  person. 

M]^TING  ON   THE   StREET. 

If  you  are  walking  down  the  street  in  company 
with  another  person,  and  stop  to  say  something  to 
one  of  your  friends,  or  are  joined  by  a  friend  who 
walks  with  you  for  a  long  time,  do  not  commit  the 
too  common,  but  most  flagrant  error,  of  presenting 
such  persons  to  one  another. 

Morning  Visitors. 

If  you  are  paying  a  morning  visit,  and  some  one 
comes  in,  whose  name  you  know,  and  no  more,  and 
he  or  she  is  not  recognized  by,  or  acquainted  with, 
the  person  visited,  present  such  a  person,  yourself. 


38  INTRODUCTIONS. 

Introducing  Yourself. 

If  on  entering  a  drawing-room  to  pay  a  visit,  you 
are  not  recognized,  mention  your  name  immediately; 
if  you  know  but  one  member  of  a  family,  and  you 
find  others  only  in  the  parlor,  present  yourself  to 
them.  Much  awkwardness  may  be  occasioned  by 
want  of  attention  to  this. 

Assisting  a  Lady  in  Difficulty. 

If  you  see  a  lady  whom  you  do  not  know,  unat- 
tended, and  wanting  the  assistance  of  a  man,  offer 
your  services  to  her  immediately.  Do  it  with  great 
courtesy,  taking  off  your  hat  and  begging  the  honor 
of  assisting  her.  This  precept,  although  universally 
observed  in  France,  is  constantly  violated  in  England 
and  America  by  the  demi-bred,  perhaps  by  all  but 
the  thorough-bred.  The  '"mob  of  gentlemen"  in  this 
country  seem  to  act  in  these  cases  as  if  a  gentleman 
ipso  facto  ceased  to  be  a  man,  and  as  if  the  form  of 
presentation  was  established  to  prevent  intercourse 
and  not  to  increase  it. 


CHAPTER  rV. 
SALUTATIONS. 

THE  salutation,  says  a  French  writer,  is  the 
touchstone  of  good  breeding.  There  have 
been  men,  since  Absalom,  who  have  owed  their  ruin 
to  a  bad  bow. 

According  to  circumstances,  it  should  be  respect- 
ful, cordial,  civil,  affectionate  or  familiar — an  incli- 
nation of  the  head,  a  gesture  with  the  hand,  the 
touching  or  doffing  of  the  hat. 

"It  would  seem  that  good  manners  were  original- 
ly the  expression  of  submission  from  the  weaker  to 
the  stronger.  In  a  rude  state  of  society  every  salu- 
tation is  to  this  day  an  act  of  worship.  Hence  the 
commonest  acts,  phrases  and  signs  of  courtesy  with 
which  we  are  now  familiar  date  from  those  earlier 
stages  when  the  strong  hand  ruled  and  the  inferior 
demonstrated  his  allegiance  by  studied  servility. 
Let  us  take,  for  example,  the  words  'sir '  and  'mad- 
am.' *  Sir'  is  derived  from  seigneur,  sieur,  and  orig- 
inally meant  lord,  king,  ruler  and,  in  its  patriarchal 
sense,  father.  The  title  of  sire  was  last  borne  by 
some  of  the  ancient  feudal   famiHes  of  France,  who, 


40  SALUTATIONS. 

as  Selden  has  said,  'affected  rather  to  be  styled  by 
the  name  of  sire  than  baron,  as  Le  Sire  de  Montmorcn- 
ci  and  the  like.'  'Madam'  or  'madame,'  corrupted 
by  servants  into  'ma'am,'  and  by  Mrs.  Gamp  and  her 
tribe  into  'mum,'  is  in  substance  equivalent  to  '  your 
exalted,'  or  'your  highness,'  madame  originally 
meaning  high-born  or  stately,  and  being  applied  on- 
ly to  ladies  of  the  highest  rank. 

Forms  of  Salutation. 

"  To  turn  to  our  every-day  forms  of  salutation. 
We  take  off  our  hats  on  visiting  an  acquaintance. 
We  bow  on  being  introduced  to  strangers.  We  rise 
when  visitors  enter  our  drawing-room.  We  wave 
our  hand  to  our  friend  as  he  passes  the  window  or 
drives  away  from  our  door.  The  Oriental,  in  like 
manner,  leaves  his  shoes  on  the  threshold  when  he 
pays  a  visit.  The  natives  of  the  Tonga  Islands  kiss 
the  soles  of  a  chieftain's  feet.  The  Siberian  peasant 
grovels  in  the  dust  before  a  Russian  noble.  Each 
of  these  acts  has  a  primary,  a  historical  significance. 
The  very  word  'salutation,'  in  the  first  place,  derived 
as  it  is  from  salutatio,  the  daily  homage  paid  by  a 
Roman  client  to  his  patron,  suggests  in  itself  a  his- 
tory of  manners. 

"  To  bare  the  head  was  originally  an  act  of  sub- 
mission to  gods  and  rulers.  A  bow  is  a  modified 
prostration.  A  lady's  curtsey  is  a  modified  genu- 
flection.   Rising  and  standing  are  acts  of  homage ; 


SAL  UTA  TIONS.  41 

and  when  we  wave  our  hand  to  a  friend  on  the  op- 
posite side  of  the  street,  we  are  unconsciously  imitat- 
ing the  Romans,  who,  as  Selden  tells  us,  used  to  stand 
*  somewhat  off  before  the  images  of  their  gods,  sol- 
emnly moving  the  right  hand  to  the  lips  and  casting 
it,  as  if  they  had  cast  kisses.'  Again,  men  remove 
the  glove  when  they  shake  hands  with  a  lady — a 
custom  evidently  of  feudal  origin.  The  knight  re- 
moved his  iron  gauntlet,  the  pressure  of  which  would 
have  been  all  too  harsh  for  the  palm  of  a  fair  chate- 
laine :  and  the  custom,  which  began  in  necessity,  has 
traveled  down  to  us  as  a  point  of  etiquette." 

Salutations  of  Different  Nations. 

Each  nation  has  its  own  method  of  salutation.  In 
Southern  Africa  it  is  the  custom  to  rub  toes.  In 
Lapland  your  friend  rubs  his  nose  against  yours. 

The  Moors  of  Morocco  have  a  somewhat  startling 
mode  of  salutation.  They  ride  at  a  gallop  toward  a 
stranger,  as  though  they  would  unhorse  him,  and 
when  close  at  hand  suddenly  check  their  horse  and 
fire  a  pistol  over  the  person's  head. 

The  Turk  folds  his  arms  upon  his  breast  and  bends 
his  head  very  lov/.  The  Egyptian  solicitously  asks 
you,  "How  do  you  perspire  ?"  and  lets  his  hand  fall 
to  the  knee.  The  Spaniard  says,  "  God  be  with  you, 
sir,"  or,  "How  do  you  stand  ?"  And  the  Neapolitan 
piously  remarks,  "Grow  in  holiness."  The  Chinese 
bows  low  and  inquires,  "Have  you  eaten  ?"    The 


42  SAL  UTA  TIONS. 

German  asks,  "  Wie  gelds  ?" — How  goes  it  with  you? 
The  Frenchman  bows  profoundly  and  inquires, 
"How  do  you  carry  yourself? 

In  England  and  America  there  are  three  modes  of 
salutation — the  bow,  the  handshake  and  the  kiss. 

The  Bow. 

The  bow  is  the  proper  mode  of  salutation  to  ex- 
change between  acquaintances  in  public,  and,  in  cer- 
tain circumstances,  in  private.  The  bow  should 
never  be  a  mere  nod.  A  gentleman  should  raise  his 
hat  completely  from  his  head  and  slightly  incline 
the  whole  body.  Ladies  should  recognize  their  gen- 
tlemen friends  with  a  bow  or  graceful  inclination. 
It  is  their  place  to  bow  first,  although  among  inti- 
mate acquaintances  the  recognition  may  be  simulta- 
neous. 

A  well-bred  man  always  removes  his  cigar  from 
his  lips  whenever  he  bows  to  a  lady. 

A  young  lady  should  show  the  same  deference 
to  an  elderly  lady,  or  one  occupying  a  higher  social' 
position,  that  a  gentleman  does  to  a  lady. 

Words  of  Salutation. 

The  most  common  forms  of  salutation  are — "  How 
d'ye  do?"  "How  are  you?"  "Good-morning,"  and 
"  Good-evening."  The  two  latter  forms  seem  the 
most  appropriate,  as  it  is  most  absurd  to  ask  after  a 
person's  health  and  not  stop  to  receive  the  answer. 


SALUTATIONS.  43 

A  respectful  bow  should  always  accompany  the 
words  of  salutation. 

Foreigners'  Salutations. 

Foreigners  are  "given  to  embracing.  In  France 
and  Germany  the  parent  kisses  his  grown-up  son  on 
the  forehead,  men  throw  their  arms  around  the  necks 
of  their  friends,  and  brothers  embrace  like  lovers. 
It  is  a  curious  sight  to  Americans,  with  their  natural 
prejudices  against  publicity  in  kissing. 

Salutations  on  the  Street. 

It  is  a  mark  of  high  breeding  not  to  speak  to  a 
lady  in  the  street,  until  you  perceive  that  she  has 
noticed  you  by  an  inclination  of  the  head.. 

Meeting  in  the  Street. 

If  you  have  anything  to  say  to  any  one  in  the 
street,  especially  a  lady,  however  intimate  you  may 
be,  do  not  stop  the  person,  but  turn  round  and  walk 
in  company;  you  can  take  leave  at  the  end  of  the 
street. 

Bow  OF  Civility. 

If  there  is  any  one  of  your  acquaintance,  with 
whom  you  have  a  difference,  do  not  avoid  looking 
at  him,  unless  from  the  nature  of  things  the  quarrel 
is  necessarily  for  life.  It  is  almost  always  better  to 
bow  with  cold  civility,  though  without  speaking. 


44  SALUTATIONS. 

In  passing  women  with  whom  you  are  not  partic- 
ularly well  acquainted,  bow,  but  do  not  speak. 

'^  Saluting  Ladies. 

In  bowing  to  women  it  is  not  enough  that  you 
touch  your  hat ;  you  must  take  it  entirely  off.  Em- 
ploy for  the  purpose  that  hand  which  is  most  dis- 
tant from  the  person  saluted ;  thus,  if  you  pass  on 
the  right  side,  use  your  right  hand ;  if  on  the  left, 
use  your  left  hand. 

Shaking  Hands. 

Among  friends  the  shaking  of  the  hand  is  the 
most  genuine  and  cordial  expression  of  good-will. 
It  is  not  necessary,  though  in  certain  cases  it  is  not 
forbidden,  upon  introduction ;  but  when  acquaint- 
^  anceship  has  reached  any  degree  of  intimacy,  it  is 
perfectly  proper. 

Etiquette  of  Handshaking. 

"  The  etiquette  of  handshaking  is  simple.  A  man 
has  no  right  to  take  a  lady's  hand  until  it  is  offered. 
He  has  even  less  right  to  pinch  or  retain  it.  Two 
ladies  shake  hands  gently  and  softly.  A  young  la- 
dy gives  her  hand,  but  does  not  shake  a  gentleman's 
unless  she  is  his  friend.  A  lady  should  always  rise 
to  give  her  hand ;  a  gentleman,  of  course,  never 
dares  to  do  so  seated.  On  introduction  in  a  room  a 
married  lady  generally   offers  her  hand ;  a  young 


SALUTATIONS,  45 

lady,  not.  In  a  ballroom,  where  the  introduction  is 
to  dancing,  not  to  friendship,  you  never  shake  hands; 
and  as  a  general  rule,  an  introduction  is  not  follow- 
ed by  shaking  hands,  only  by  a  bow.  It  may  per- 
haps be  laid  down  that  the  more  public  the  place  of 
introduction,  the  less  handshaking  takes  place.  But 
if  the  introduction  be  particular,  if  it  be  accompan- 
ied by  personal  recommendation,  such  as, '  I  want 
you  to  know  my  friend  Phelps,'  or  if  Phelps  comes 
with  a  letter  of  presentation,  then  you  give  Phelps 
your  hand,  and  warmly  too.  Lastly,  it  is  the  priv- 
ilege of  a  superior  to  offer  or  M'ithhold  his  or  her 
hand,  so  that  an  inferior  should  never  put  his  for- 
ward first," 

When  a  lady  so  far  puts  aside  her  reserve  as  to 
shake  hands  at  all,  she  should  give  her  hand  with 
frankness  and  cordiality.  There  should  be  equal 
frankness  and  cordiality  on  the  gentleman's  part, 
and  even  more  warmth,  though  a  careful  avoidance 
of  anything  like  offensive  familiarity  or  that  which 
might  be  mistaken  as  such.  A  lady  who  has  only 
two  fingers  to  give  in  handshaking  had  better  keep 
them  to  herself ;  and  a  gentleman  who  rudely  press- 
es the  hand  offered  him  in  salutation,  or  too  violent- 
ly shakes  it,  ought  never  to  have  an  opportunity  to 
repeat  his  offense." 

The  Kiss. 

The  most  familiar  and  affectionate  form  of  salu- 
tation is  the  kiss.     It  need  scarcely  be  said  that  this 


46  SALUTATIONS. 

is  only  proper  on  special  occasions  and  between  spe- 
cial parties. 

The  Kiss  of  Respect. 

The  kiss  of  mere  respect — almost  obsolete  in  this 
country — is  made  on  the  hand.  This  custom  is  re- 
tained in  Germany  and  among  gentlemen  of  the 
most  courtly  manners  in  England. 

The  Kiss  of  Friendship. 

The  kiss  of  friendship  and  relationship  is  on  the 
cheeks  and  forehead.  As  a  general  rule,  this  act  of 
affection  is  excluded  from  public  eyes ; — in  the  case 
of  parents  and  children  unnecessarily  so ;  for  there 
is  no  more  pleasing  and  touching  sight  than  to  see 
a  young  man  kiss  his  mother,  or  a  young  woman 
her  father,  upon  meeting  or  parting. 

Women  Kissing  in  Public. 

Custom  seems  to  give  a  kind  of  sanction  to  wom- 
en kissing  each  other  in  public :  but  there  is,  never- 
theless, a  touch  of  vulgarity  about  it,  and  a  lady  of 
really  delicate  perceptions  will  avoid  it. 


CHAPTER  V. 
SOCIAL  INTEBCOUBSE. 

IN  the  following  chapters  we  will  dwell  more  par- 
ticularly upon  the  external  usages  and  customs 
of  polite  life, — a  knowledge  and  practice  of  which 
are  necessary  to  enable  one  to  enter  respectable  com- 
pany. In  many  instances  we  have  repeated  the  same 
idea  over  again,  to  enforce  some  important  point. 
We  now  proceed  to  give  the  reader  some  advice  as 
to  the  mental  qualities  desirable  to  be  possessed  by 
all  who  wish  to  make  a  lasting  mark  in  *•  our  best 
society." 

The  Value  op  Knowledge. 

The  young  are  apt  to  disregard  the  value  of  knowl- 
edge,— partly,  we  fear,  from  the  pertinacious  con- 
stancy with  which  teachers,  parents,  and  guardians, 
endeavor  to  impress  them  with  its  inestimable 
worth. 

"  Knowledge  better  than  houses  and  lands  "  is  the 
title  of  one  of  the  first  picture-books  presented  to  a 
child,  and  it  is  the  substance  of  ten  thousand  pre- 


48  SOCIAL  INTERCOUBSE, 

cepts  which  are  constantly  dinned  in  his  ears  from 
infancy  upwards ;  so  that,  at  first,  the  truth  becomes 
tiresome  and  ahnost  detested. 


A  Good  Conscience. 

Still  it  is  a  sober  truth,  of  which  every  one  should 
feel  the  force,  that,  with  the  single  exception  of  a 
good  conscience,  no  possession  can  be  so  valuable  as 
a  good  stock  of  information. 

Some  portion  of  it  is  always  coming  into  use;  and 
there  is  hardly  any  kind  of  information  which  may 
not  become  useful  in  an  active  life. 

When  we  speak  of  information,  we  do  not  mean 
that  merely  which  has  direct  reference  to  one's  trade, 
profession,  or  business. 

GrOOD  Character. 

To  be  skillful  in  these  is  a  matter  of  absolute  ne- 
cessity ;  so  much  so,  that  we  often  see,  for  example, 
a  merchant  beginning  the  world  with  no  other  stock 
than  a  good  character  and  a  thorough  knowledge  of 
business,  and  speedily  acquiring  wealth  and  respect- 
ability ;  while  another,  who  is  not  well  informed  in 
his  business,  begins  with  a  fortune,  fails  in  every- 
thing he  undertakes,  causes  loss  and  disgrace  to  all 
who  are  connected  with  him,  and  goes  on  blunder- 
ing to  the  end  of  the  chapter. 


SOCIAL  INTERCOUBSE.  49 

A  Well  Informed  Man. 

A  thorough  knowledge  of  one's  business  or  profes- 
sion is  not  enough,  of  itself,  to  constitute  what  is 
properly  called  a  well-informed  man. 

On  the  contrary,  one  who  possesses  this  kind  of  in- 
formation only,  is  generally  regarded  as  a  mere  ma- 
chine, unfit  for  society  or  rational  enjoyment. 

Liberal  and  Scientific  Information. 

A  man  should  possess  a  certain  amount  of  liberal 
and  scientific  information,  to  which  he  should  al- 
ways be  adding  something  as  long  as  he  lives  ;  and 
in  this  free  country  he  should  make  himself  ac- 
quainted with  his  own  political  and  legal  rights. 

"Keep  a  thing  seven  years  and  you  will  have  use 
for  it,"  is  an  old  motto  which  will  apply  admirably 
well  to  almost  any  branch  of  knowledge. 

Learn  almost  any  science,  language,  or  art,  and  in 
a  few  years  you  will  find  it  of  service  to  you. 

Employing  Leisure  Moments. 

Employ  that  leisure  which  others  waste  in  idle  and 
corrupting  pursuits,  in  the  acquisition  of  those 
branches  of  knowledge  which  serve  to  amuse  as  well 
as  instruct ;  natural  history,  for  example,  or  chemis- 
try, or  astronomy,  or  drawing,  or  any  of  the  numer- 
ous kindred  branches  of  study. 

4 


60  SOCIAL  INTERCOURSE. 

Softening  Natural  Ferocity. 

There  is  in  most  tempers  a  natural  ferocity  which 
wants  to  be  softened ;  and  the  study  of  the  Hberal 
arts  and  sciences  will  generally  have  this  happy  ef- 
fect in  polishing  the  manners. 

When  the  mind  is  daily  attentive  to  useful  learn- 
ing, a  man  is  detached  from  his  passions,  and  taken 
as  it  were,  out  of  himself;  and  the  habit  of  being  so 
abstracted  makes  the  mind  more  manageable,  be- 
cause the  passions  are  out  of  practice. 

The  Arts  of  Peace. 

Besides,  the  arts  of  learning  are  the  arts  of  peace, 
which  furnish  no  encouragements  to  a  hostile  dis- 
position. 

There  is  a  dreadful  mistake  too  current  among 
young  people,  and  which  their  own  experience  is  apt 
to  cherish  and  commend  in  one  another — that  a 
youth  is  of  no  consequence,  and  makes  no  figure, 
unless  he  is  quarrelsome,  and  renders  himself  a  ter- 
ror to  his  companions. 

They  call  this  honor  and  spirit;  but  it  is  false  hon- 
or, and  an  evil  spirit.  It  does  not  command  any  re- 
spect, but  begets  hatred  and  aversion;  and  as  it  can 
not  well  consist  with  the  purposes  of  society,  it  leads 
a  person  into  a  sort  of  solitude,  like  that  of  the  wild 
beast  in  the  desert,  who  must  spend  his  time  by  him- 
self, because  he  is  not  fit  for  company. 


SOCIAL  INTEBCOUBSE.  61 

Differences  in  Social  Intercourse. 

If  any  difference  arises,  it  should  be  conducted 
with  reason  and  moderation.  Scholars  should  con- 
tend with  wit  and  argument,  which  are  the  weapons 
proper  to  their  profession. 

Their  science  is  a  science  of  defense;  it  is  like  that 
of  fencing  with  the  foil,  which  has  a  guard  or  but- 
ton upon  the  point,  that  no  hurt  may  be  given. 
When  the  sword  is  taken  up  instead  of  the  foil,  fenc- 
ing is  no  longer  an  exercise  of  the  school  but  of  the 
field. 

If  a  gentleman  with  a  foil  in  his  hand  appears 
heated,  and  in  a  passion  with  his  adversary,  he  ex- 
poses himself  by  acting  out  of  character;  because 
this  is  a  trial  of  art,  and  not  of  passion. 

The  reason  why  people  are  soon  offended,  is  only 
this — that  they  set  a  high  value  upon  themselves. 

Slight  Reflections. 

A  slight  reflection  can  never  be  a  great  offense, 
but  when  it  is  offered  to  a  great  person;  and  if  a 
man  is  such  in  his  own  opinion,  he  will  measure  an 
offense,  as  he  measutes  himself,  far  beyond  its  value. 

If  we  consult  our  religion  upon  this  subject,  it 
teaches  us  that  no  man  is  to  value  himself  for  any 
qualifications  of  mind  or  body. 

"What  we  call  complaisance,  gentility,  or  good 
breeding,  affects  to  do  this;  and  is  the  imitation  of  a 
most  excellent  virtue. 


52  SO  CIAL  INTER  CO  URSE. 

Improving  by  Conversation. 

If  we  would  improve  our  minds  by  conversation, 
it  is  a  great  happiness  to  be  acquainted  with  persons 
older  than  ourselves. 

It  is  a  piece  of  useful  advice,  therefore,  to  get  the 
favor  of  their  conversation  frequently,  as  far  as  cir- 
cumstances will  allow. 

Learn  Something  from  all. 

In  mixed  company,  among  acquaintance  and 
strangers,  endeavor  to  learn  something  from  all. 

Be  swift  to  hear,  but  be  cautious  of  your  tongue> 
lest  you  betray  your  ignorance,  and  perhaps  offend 
some  of  those  who  are  present  too. 

Acquaint  yourself  therefore  sometimes  with  per- 
sons and  parties  which  are  far  distant  from  your 
common  life  and  customs.  This  is  the  way  whereby 
you  may  form  a  wiser  opinion  of  men  and  things. 

Be  not  frightened  or  provoked  at  opinions  differ- 
ing from  your  own. 

Be  not  too  Confident. 

Some  persons  are  so  confident  they  are  in  the  right 
that  they  will  not  come  within  the  hearing  of  any 
opinion  but  their  own.  They  canton  out  to  them- 
selves a  little  province  in  the  intellectual  world, 
where  they  fancy  the  light  shines,  and  all  the  rest  is 
in  darkness. 

Believing  that  it  is  impossible  to  learn  something 


SOCIAL  INTEBCOUBSE.  53 

from  persons  they  consider  much  below  themselves. 
Narrow  and  Limited  Views 

We  are  all  short-siglited  creatures;  our  views  are 
also,  narrow  and  limited ;  we  often  see  but  one  side 
of  a  matter,  and  do  not  extend  our  sight  far  and 
wide  enough  to  reach  everything  that  has  a  connec- 
tion with  the  thing  we  talk  of.  We  see  but  in  part; 
therefore  it  is  no  wonder  we  form  incorrect  conclu- 
sions, because  we  don't  survey  the  whole  of  any  sub- 
ject. ' 

Consulting  with  Others. 

We  have  a  different  prospect  of  the  same  thing, 
according  to  the  different  positions  of  our  under- 
standings toward  it:  a  weaker  man  may  sometimes 
light  on  truths  which  have  escaped  a  stronger,  and 
which  the  wiser  man  might  make  a  happy  use  of,  if 
he  would  condescend  to  take  notice  of  them. 

Difference  op  Opinion. 

When  you  are  forced  to  differ  from  him  who  de- 
livers his  opinion  on  any  subject,  yet  agree  as  far  as 
you  can,  and  represent  how  far  you  agree;  and,  if 
there  be  any  room  for  it,  explain  the  words  of  the 
speaker  in  such  a  sense  to  which  you  can  in  general 
assent,  and  so  agree  with  him,  or  at  least  by  a  small 
addition  or  alteration  of  his  sentiments  show  your 
own  sense  of  things. 


54  SOCIAL  INTEBCOUBSE. 

It  is  the  practice  and  delight  of  a  candid  hearer 
to  make  it  appear  how  unwilling  he  is  to  differ  from 
him  that  speaks. 

Let  the  speaker  know  that  it  is  nothing  but  truth 
constrains  you  to  oppose  him;  and  let  that  difference 
be  always  expressed  in  few,  and  civil,  and  chosen 
words,  such  as  may  give  the  least  offence. 

And  be  careful  always  to  take  Solomon's  rule  with 
you,  and  let  your  companion  fairly  finish  his  speech 
before  you  reply;  "for  he  that  answereth  a  matter  be- 
fore he  heareth  it,  it  is  folly  and   shame  unto  him." 

A  little  watchfulness,  care,  and  practice,  in  young- 
er life,  will  render  all  these  things  more  easy,  famil- 
iar, and  natural  to  you,  and  will  grow  into  habit- 


CHAPTER  VI. 
CONVERSATION. 

LET  your  conversation  be  adapted  as  skillfully  as 
may  be  to  your  company.  Some  men  make 
a  point  of  talking  commonplaces  to  all  ladies  alike, 
as  if  a  woman  could  only  be  a  trifler.  Others,  on  the 
contrary,  seem  to  forget  in  what  respects  the  educa- 
tion of  a  lady  differs  from  that  of  a  gentleman,  and 
commit  the  opposite  error  of  conversing  on  topics 
with  which  ladies  are  seldom  acquainted.  A  woman 
of  sense  has  as  much  right  to  be  annoyed  by  the  one, 
as  a  lady  of  ordinary  education  by  the  other.  You 
cannot  pay  a  finer  compliment  to  a  woman  of  refine- 
ment and  esprit  than  by  leading  the  conversation 
into  such  a  channel  as  may  mark  your  appreciation 
of  her  superior  attainments. 

Subjects  to  be  Avoided. 

In  talking  with  ladies  of  ordinary  education, 
avoid  political,  scientific,  or  commercial  topics,  and 
choose  only  such  subjects  as  are  likely  to  be  of  inter- 
est to  them. 


56  CONVERSATION- 

Talk  to  People  of  their  own  affairs. 

Remember  that  people  take  more  interest  in  their 
own  affairs  than  in  anything  else  which  you  can 
name.  If  you  wish  your  conversation  to  be  thor- 
oughly agreeable,  lead  a  mother  to  talk  of  her  chil- 
dren, a  young  lady  of  her  last  ball,  an  author  of 
his  forthcoming  book,  or  an  artist  of  his  exhibition 
picture.  Having  furnished  the  topic,  you  need  only 
listen;  and  you  are  sure  to  be  thought  not  only 
agreeable,  but  thoroughly  sensible  and  well-in- 
formed. 

Avoid  talking  too  much  of  their  Professions. 

Be  careful,  however,  on  the  other  hand,  not  always 
to  make  a  point  of  talking  to  persons  upon  general 
matters  relating  to  their  professions.  To  show  an 
interest  in  their  immediate  concerns  is  flattering; 
but  to  converse  with  them  too  much  about  their  own 
arts  looks  as  if  you  thought  them  ignorant  of  other 
topics. 

Avoid  Classical  Quotations. 

Do  not  use  a  classical  quotation  in  the  presence  of 
ladies  without  apologizing  for,  or  translating  it. 
Even  this  should  only  be  done  when  no  other  phrase 
would  so  aptly  express  your  meaning.  Whether  in 
the  presence  of  ladies  or  gentlemen,  much  display 
of  learning  is  pedantic  and  out  of  place. 


CONVERSATION.  57 

Modulation. 

There  is  a  certain  distinct  but  subdued  tone  of 
voice  which  is  peculiar  to  only  well-bred  persons.  A 
loud  voice  is  both  disagreeable  and  vulgar.  It  is 
better  to  err  by  the  use  of  too  low  than  too  loud  a 
tone. 

Slang. 

Remember  that  all  "slang"  is  vulgar.  It  has  be- 
come of  late  unfortunately  prevalent,  and  we  have 
known  even  ladies  pride  themselves  on  the  saucy 
chique  wifh  which  they  adopt  certain  cant  phrases 
of  the  day.  Such  habits  cannot  be  too  severely  repre- 
hended. They  lower  the  tone  of  society  and  the 
standard  of  thought.  It  is  a  great  mistake  to  sup- 
pose that  slang  is  in  any  way  a  substitute  for  wit. 

Using  Proverbs  and  Puns. 

The  use  of  proverbs  is  equally  vulgar  in  conversa- 
tion ;  and  puns,  unless  they  rise  to  the  rank  of  witti- 
cisms, are  to  be  scrupulously  avoided.  There  is  no 
greater  nuisance  in  society  than  a  dull  and  persever- 
ing punster, 

Avoid  Long  Arguments. 

Long  arguments  in  general  company,  however  en- 
tertaining to  the  disputants,  are  tiresome  to  the  last 
degree  to  all  others.    You  should  always  endeavor 


58  CON  VERSA  TION. 

to  prevent  the  conversation  from  dwelling  too  long 
upon  one  topic. 

Interrupting  a  Person  while  Speaking. 

Never  interrupt  a  person  who  is  speaking.  It  has 
been  aptly  said  that  "  if  you  interrupt  a  speaker  in 
the  middle  of  his  sentence,  you  act  almost  as  rudely 
as  if,  when  walking  with  a  companion,  you  were  to 
thrust  yourself  before  him,  and  stop  his  progress." 

Whispering  in  Society. 

It  is  considered  extremely  ill-bred  when  two  per- 
sons whisper  in  society,  or  converse  in  a  language 
with  which  all  present  are  not  familiar.  If  you  have 
private  matters  to  discuss,  you  should  appoint  a 
proper  time  and  place  to  do  so,  without  paying 
others  the  ill  compliment  of  excluding  them  from 
your  conversation. 

If  a  foreigner  be  one  of  the  guests  at  a  small  party, 
and  does  not  understand  English  sufficiently  to  fol- 
low what  is  said,  good-breeding  demands  that  the 
conversation  shall  be  carried  on  (when  possible)  in 
his  own  language.  If  at  a  dinner-party,  the  same 
rule  applies  to  those  at  his  end  of  the  table. 

Make  the  Topic  of  Conversation  Known. 

If  upon  the  entrance  of  a  visitor  you  carry  on  the 
thread  of  a  previous  conversation,  you  should  briefly 
recapitulate  to  him  w^hat  has  been  said  before  he 
arrived. 


CONVERSATION.  59 

Witticisms. 

Do  not  be  always  witty,  even  though  you  should 
be  so  happily  gifted  as  to  need  the  caution.  To  out- 
shine others  on  every  occasion  is  the  surest  road  to 
unpopularity. 

Always  look,  but  never  stare,  at  those  with  whom 
you  converse. 

In  order  to  meet  the  general  needs  of  conversation 
in  society,  it  is  necessary  that  a  man  should  be  well 
acquainted  with  the  current  news  and  historical 
events  of  at  least  the  last  few  years. 

Avoid  Unfamiliar  Subjects. 

Never  talk  upon  subjects  of  which  you  know  noth- 
ing, unless  it  be  for  the  purpose  of  acquiring  infor- 
mation. Many  young  men  imagine  that  because 
they  frequent  exhibitions  and  operas  they  are  quali- 
fied judges  of  art.  No  mistake  is  more  egregious  or 
universal. 

Introducing  Anecdotes. 

Those  who  introduce  anecdotes  into  their  conver- 
sation are  warned  that  these  should  invariably  be 
"short,  witty,  eloquent,  new,  and  not  far-fetched." 

Scandal  is  the  least  excusable  of  all  conversation- 
al vulgarities. 

In  conversation  study  to  be  quiet  and  composed. 
Do  not  talk  too  much,  and  do  not  inflict  upon  your 


60  CONVERSATION. 

hearers  interminably  long  stories,  in   which,  at  the 
best  they  can  have  but  a  little  interest. 

Correct  Pronunciation. 

Take  pains  to  pronounce  your  words  correctly. 
Some  people  have  a  strangely  vulgar  way  of  saying 
hos-pi^able  for  Tios-pit-able;  inter-esMng  for  in-ter- 
esting. 

Avoid  Repe;ating. 

Some  persons  have  an  awkward  habit  of  repeat- 
ing the  most  striking  parts  of  a  story,  especially  the 
main  point,  if  it  has  taken  greatly  the  first  time. 
This  is  in  very  bad  taste,  and  always  excites  disgust. 
Inmost  cases,  the  story 'pleased  the  first  time,  only 
because  it  was  unexpected. 

Cultivating  the  Mind. 

Your  conversation  can  never  be  worth  listening  to 
unless  you  cultivate  your  mind.  To  talk  well  you 
must  read  much.  A  little  knowledge  on  many  sub- 
jects is  soon  acquired  by  diligent  reading.  One  does 
not  wish  to  hear  a  lady  talk  politics  nor  a  smatter- 
ing of  science;  but  she  should  be  able  to  understand 
and  listen  with  interest  when  politics  are  discussed, 
and  to  appreciate,  in  some  degree,  the  conversation 
of  scientific  men. 


CONVERSATION.  61 

Music. 

A  well-bred  lady  of  the  present  day  is  expected  to 
know  something  of  music  besides  merely  playing  a 
difficult  piece.  She  should  be  able  to  discuss  the 
merits  of  different  styles  of  music,  modestly  and  in- 
telligently; a  little  reading  on  the  subject,  and  some 
attention  to  the  intellectual  character  of  music,  will 
enable  her  to  do  so;  and  as  music  is  becoming  quite 
a  national  passion,  she  will  find  the  subject  brought 
forward  very  frequently  by  gentlemen. 

"A  Low  Voice." 

I  think  one  can  always  tell  a  lady  by  her  voice 
and  laugh — neither  of  which  will  ever  be  loud  or 
coarse,  but  soft,  low,  and  nicely  modulated.  Shake- 
speare's unfailing  taste  tells  us  that — 

"A  low  voice  is  an  excellent  thing  in  Woman." 

And  we  believe  that  the  habit  of  never  raising  the 
voice  would  tend  much  to  the  comfort  and  happi- 
ness of  many  a  home:  as  a  proof  of  good  breeding, 
it  is  unfailing. 

Talk  well  about  Trifles. 

You  should  endeavor  to  have  the  habit  of  talking 
well  about  trifles.  Be  careful  never  to  make  person- 
al remarks  to  a  stranger  on  any  of  the  guests  pres- 
ent: it  is  possible,  nay  probable,  that  they  may  be 
relatives,  or  at  least  friends. 


62  CONVERSATION. 

Double  Entendres. 

I  need  not  say  that  no  person  of  decency,  still  less 
delicacy,  will  be  guilty  of  a  double  entendre.  Still,  as 
there  are  persons  in  the  world  possessing  neither  of 
these  characteristics  who  will  be  guilty  of  them  in 
the  presence  of  people  more  respectable  than  them- 
selves, and  as  the  young  and  inexperienced  are  some- 
times in  doubt  how  to  receive  them,  it  is  well  to 
make  some  reference  to  them  in  a  book  of  this  char- 
acter. A  well-bred  person  always  refuses  to  under- 
stand a  phrase  of  doubtful  meaning.  If  the  phrase 
may  be  interpreted  decently,  and  with  such  inter- 
pretation would  provoke  a  smile,  then  smile  to  just 
the  degree  called  for  by  such  interpretation,   and  no 

■more.     The  prudery  which  sits  in  solemn  and  severe 

'rebuke  at  a  double  entendre  is  only  second  in  indeli- 
cacy to  the  indecency  which  grows  hilarious  over  it, 

j  since  both  must  recognize  the  evil  intent.    It  is  suffi- 

jcientto  let  it  pass  unrecognized. 

Indelicate  Words  and  Expressions. 

(  Not  so  when  one  hears  an  indelicate  word  or  ex- 
pression, which  allows  of  no  possible  harmless  inter- 
pretation. Then  not  the  shadow  of  a  smile  should 
flit  across  the  lips.  Either  complete  silence  should 
be  preserved  in  return  or  the  words,  "I  do  not  under- 
stand you,"  be  spoken.  A  lady  will  always  fail  to 
hear  that  which  she  should  not  hear,  or,  having  un- 
mistakably heard,  she  will  not  understand. 


CONVEBSATION.  63 

A  lady  was  once  in  the  streets  of  the  city  alone 
after  dark,  and  a  man  accosted  her.  She  replied  to 
him  in  French.  He  followed  her  some  distance  try- 
ing to  open  a  conversation  with  her;  but  as  she  per- 
sisted in  replying  only  in  French,  he  at  last  turned 
away,  completely  baffled  in  his  efforts  to  understand 
or  be  understood. 

Profanity. 

A  gentleman  should  never  permit  any  phrase  that 
approaches  to  an  oath,  to  escape  his  lips  in  the  pres- 
ence of  a  lady.  If  any  man  employs  a  profane  ex- 
pression in  the  drawing-room,  his  pretensions  to 
good-breeding  are  gone  forever.  The  same  reason 
extends  to  the  society  of  men  advanced  in  life;  and 
he  would  be  singularly  defective  in  good  taste,  who 
should  swear  before  old  persons,  however  irreligious 
their  own  habits  might  be.  The  cause  of  profanity 
being  offensive  in  these  cases  is  that  it  denotes  an 
entire  absence  of  reverence  and  respect  from  the 
spirit  of  him  who  uses  it. 

Listening. 

"A  dearth  of  ■words,"  says  Youngr, 

"A  woman  need  not  fear, 
But  'tis  a  task,  indeed  to  learn  to  licar\ 
In  that,  the  skill  of  conversation  lies; 
That  shows  or  makes  you  both  polite  and  wise." 

Listening  is  not  only  a  point  of  good-breeding  and 
the  best  kind  of  flattery,   but  it  is  a  .method   of  ac- 


64  CONVERSATION. 

quiring  information  which  no  man  of  judgment  will 
neglect.  "This  is  a  common  vice  in  conversation," 
says  Montaigue,  "that  instead  of  gathering  observa- 
tions from  others,  we  make  it  our  whole  business  to 
lay  ourselves  open  to  them,  and  are  more  concerned 
how  to  expose  and  set  out  our  own  commodities,  than 
how  to  increase  our  stock  by  acquiring  new.  Silence 
therefore,  and  modesty,  are  very  advantageous  qual- 
ities in  conversation." 

Give  Credit  for  what  You  Learn. 

But  if  a  person  gets  knowledge  in  this  way  from 
another,  he  should  always  give  him  due  credit  for 
it :  and  not  endeavor  to  sustain  himself  in  society 
upon  the  claims  that  really  belong  to  another.  "It 
is  a  special  trick  of  low  cunning,"  says  Walpole, 
with  a  very  natural  indignation,  "to  squeeze  out 
knowledge  from  a  modest  man,  who  is  eminent  in 
any  science;  and  then  to  use  it  as  legally  acquired, 
and  pass  the  source  in  total  silence." 

The  best  kind  of  Conversation. 

That  conversation  is  the  best  which  furnishes  the 
most  entertainment  to  the  person  conferred  with,  and 
calls  upon  him  for  the  least  exercise  of  mind.  It  is 
for  this  reason  that  argument  and  difference  are  stu- 
diously avoided  by  well-bred  people;  they  tax  and 
tire.     It  should  be  the  aim  of  every  one  to  utter  his 


CONVERSATION.  65 

remarks  in  such  a  form  that  the  expression  of  assent 
or  opposition  need  not  follow  from  him  he  speaks 
with. 

Interjections. 

The  interjection  of  such  phrases  as,  "You  know," 
"You  see,"  "Don't  you  see  ?"  "Do  you  understand?" 
and  similar  ones  that  stimulate  the  attention,  and 
demand  an  answer,  ought  to  be  avoided.  Make  your 
observations  in  a  calm  and  sedate  way,  which  your 
companion  may  attend  to  or  not,  as  he  pleases,  and 
let  them  go  for  what  they  are  worth. 

Avoid  Wounding  the  Feelings  op  Another. 

To  avoid  wounding  the  feelings  of  another,  is  the 
key  to  almost  every  problem  of  manners  that  can  be 
proposed;  and  he  who  will  always  regulate  his  say- 
ings and  doings  by  that  principle,  may  chance  to 
break  some  conventional  rule,  but  will  rarely  vio- 
late any  of  the  essentials  of  good-breeding.  Judg- 
ment and  attention  are  as  necessary  to  fulfil  this  pre- 
cept, as  the  disposition;  for,  by  inadvertence  or  folly 
as  much  pain  may  be  given  as  by  designed  malevo- 
lence. 

Affectations. 

One  of  the  first  virtues  of  conversation  is  to  be 
perspicuous  and  intelligible.     Those  quaint  and  af- 

6 


66  CONVEBSATION. 

feoted  constructions,  and  high-flown,  bookish  phra- 
ses, in  which  some  indulge,  to  the  embarrassment  of 
those  they  talk  to,  are  in  bad  taste  and  should  be 
avoided.  There  have  indeed  at  times  appeared  writ- 
ers and  schools  of  rhetoric  who  cultivated  obscurity 
as  a  merit. 

Use  Plain  Words. 

A  man  of  good  sense  will  always  make  a  point  of 
using  the  plainest  and  simplest  words  that  will  con- 
vey his  meaning;  and  will  bear  in  mind  that  his 
principal  or  only  business  is  to  lodge  his  idea  in  the 
mind  of  his  hearer.  The  same  remark  apiDlies  to 
distinctness  of  articulation;  and  Hannah  More  has 
justly  observed  that  to  speak  so  that  people  can  hear 
you  is  one  of  the  minor  virtues. 

Avoid  Wit  which  Wounds. 

t 

Those  who  have  generosity  enough  to  care  for  the 
feelings  of  others,  or  self-regard  enough  to  covet 
good-will,  will  be  careful  to  avoid  every  display  of 
wit  which  wounds  another.  It  is  a  happy  circum- 
stance for  the  honor  of  our  nature,  and  one  very 
characteristical  of  the  kindness  of  Providence,  that 
a  display  of  the  easiest  moral  virtues  will  generally 
bring  us  more  popularity  than  the  exhibition  of  the 
greatest  talents  without  them. 


CONVERSATION.  67 

Parfcj  may  be  praised,  good  nature  Is  ador'd; 
Then  draw  your  wit  as  seldom  as  your  sword, 
And  never  on  the  weak. 

Those  who  scatter  brilliant  jibes  without  caring 
whom  they  wound,  are  as  unwise  as  they  are  un- 
kind. Those  sharp  little  sarcasms  that  bear  a  sting 
in  their  words,  rankle  long,  sometimes  forever,  in  the 
mind,  and  fester  often  into  a  fatal  hatred  never  to 
be  abated. 

Proper  Eeserve. 

Every  one  should  avoid  displaying  his  mind  and 
principles  and  character  entirely,  but  should  let  his 
remarks  only  open  glimpses  to  his  understanding. 
For  women  this  precept  is  still  more  important. 
They  are  like  moss-roses,  and  are  most  beq,utiful  in 
spirit  and  in  intellect,  when  they  are  but  half-un- 
folded. 

Professional  Peculiarities. 

"When  a  man  goes  into  company,  he  should  leave 
behind  him  all  peculiarities  of  mind  and  manjgffs.  ■ 
mat,  indeed,  constitued  Dr.  Johnson's  notion  of  a 
gentleman;  and  as  far  as  negatives  go,  the  notion  was 
correct.  It  is  in  bad  taste,  particularly,  to  employ 
technical  or  professional  terms  in  general  conversa- 
tion. Young  physicians  and  lawyers  often  commit 
that  error. 

The  most  eminent  members  of  those  occupations 


68  CONVERSATION. 

are  the  most  free  from  it;  for  the  reason,  that  the 
most  eminent  have  the  most  sense. 

Modesty. 

Young  men  often,  through  real  modesty,  put  forth 
their  remarks  in  the  form  of  personal  opinions;  as, 
with  the  introduction  of,  "  I  think  so-and-so,"  or, 
"Now,  I,  for  my  part,  have  found  it  otherwise."  This 
is  generally  prompted  by  humility;  and  yet  it  has 
an  air  of  arrogance.  The  persons  who  employ  such 
phrases,  mean  to  shrink  from  affirming  a  fact  into  ex- 
pressing a  notion,  but  are  taken  to  be  designing  to 
extend  an  opinion  into  an  affirmance  of  a  fact. 

COVERSING  WITH  LaDIES 

-^  If  you  are  a  gentleman,  never  lower  the  intellect- 
ual standard  of  your  conversation  in  addressing 
ladies.  Pay  them  the  compliment  of  seeming  to 
consider  them  capable  of  an  equal  understanding 
with  gentlemen.  You  will,  no  doubt,  be  somewhat 
surprised  to  find  in  how  many  cases  the  supposition 
will  be  grounded  on  fact,  and  in  the  few  instances 
where  it  is  not  the  ladies  will  be  pleased  rather  than 
offended  at  the  delicate  compliment  you  pay  them. 
When  you  "come  down"  to  commonplace  or  small- 
talk  with  an  intelligent  lady,  one  of  two  things  is 
the  consequence,  she  either  recognizes  the  conde- 
scension and  despise?  you,  or  else  she  accepts  it  as 


CONVERSATION,  69 

the  highest  intellectual  effort  of  which  you  are  capa- 
ble, and  rates  you  accordingly. 

Conclusion. 

The  foregoing  rules  are  not  simply  intended  aF 
good  advice.  They  are  strict  laws  of  etiquette,  to 
violate  any  one  of  which  justly  subjects  a  person  to 
the  imputation  of  being  ill-bred.  But  they  should 
not  be  studied  as  mere  arbitrary  rules.  The  heart 
should  be  cultivated  in  the  right  manner  until  the 
acts  of  the  individual  spontaneously  flow  in  the 
right  channels. 

A  recent  writer  remarks  on  this  subject:  "Con- 
versation is  a  reflex  of  character.  The  pretentious, 
the  illiterate,  the  impatient,  the  curious,  will  as  inev- 
itably betray  their  idiosyncrasies  as  the  modest,  the 
even-tempered  and  the  generous.  Strive  as  we  may, 
we  cannot  always  be  acting.  Let  us  therefore,  cul- 
tivate a  tone  of  mind  and  a  habit  of  life  the  betray- 
al of  which  need  not  put  us  to  shame  in  the  com- 
pany of  the  pure  and  wise;  and  the  rest  will  be  easy. 
If  we  make  ourselves  worthy  of  refined  and  intelli- 
gent society,  we  shall  not  be  rejected  from  it;  and  in 
such  society  we  shall  acquire  by  example  all  that  we 
have  failed  to  learn  from  precept." 


CHAPTER  VII 
VISITS. 

OF  visits  there  are   various  kinds,    visits  of 
congratulation,  visits  of  condolence,  visits  of 
ceremony,  visits  of  friendship. 

Such  visits  are  necessary,  in  order  to  maintain 
good  feeling  between  the  members  of  society;  they 
are  required  by  the  custom  of  the  age  in  which  we 
live,  and  must  be  carefully  attended  to. 

Visits  of  Congratulations. 

Upon  the  appointment  of  one  of  your  friends  to 
any  office  or  dignity,  you  call  upon  him  to  congrat- 
ulate, not  him,  but  the  country,  community  or  state, 
on  account  of  the  honor  and  advantage  which  it  de- 
rives from  the  appointment. 

If  one  of  your  friends  has  delivered  a  public  ora- 
tion, call  upon  him  when  he  has  returned  home,  and 
tender  to  him  your  thanks  for  the  great  pleasure  and 
satisfaction  for  which  you  are  indebted  to  him,  and 
express  your  high  estimation  of  the  luminous,  ele- 


VISITS.  71 

gant,  &c.  discourse,  trusting  that  he  will  be  prevail* 
ed  upon  to  suffer  it  published. 

Visits  of  Ceremony  or  Calls. 

Visits  of  ceremony,  merging  occasionally  into 
those  of  friendship,  but  uniformly  required  after 
dining  at  a  friends's  house.  Professional  men  are 
not  however,  in  general,  expected  to  pay  such  visits, 
because  their  time  is  preoccupied;  but  they  form  al- 
most the  only  exception. 

Time  to  make  Ceremonious  Visits. 

Visits  of  ceremony  must  be  necessarily  short. 
They  should  on  no  account  be  made  before  the  hour, 
nor  yet  during  the  time  of  luncheon.  Persons  who 
intrude  themselves  at  unwonted  hours  are  never 
welcome;  the  lady  of  the  house  does  not  like  to  be 
disturbed  when  she  is  perhaps  dining  with  her  chil- 
dren; and  the  servants  justly  complain  of  being  in- 
terrupted at  the  hour  when  they  assemble  for  their 
noon-day  meal.  Ascertain,  therefore,  which  you  can 
readily  do,  what  is  the  family  hour  for  luncheon, 
and  act  accordingly. 

Keep  an  account  op  Ceremonial  Visits: 

Keep  a  strict  account  of  your  ceremonial  visits. 
This  is  needful,  because  time  passes  rapidly;  and  take 
note  how  soon  your  calls  are  returned.  You  will 
thus  be  able,  in  most  cases,  to  form  an  opinion  wheth- 
er or  not  your  frequent  visits  are  desired.    Instances 


72  VISITS. 

may  however  occur,  when,  in  consequence  of  age  or 
ill  health,  it  is  desirable  that  you  should  call,  with- 
out any  reference  to  your  visits  being  return- 
ed. When  desirous  to  act  thus,  remember  that 
if  possible,  nothing  should  interrupt  the  discharge 
of  this  duty. 

Visits  of  Ceremony  among  Friends. 

Among  relations  and  intimate  friends,  visits  of 
mere  ceremony  are  unnecessary.  It  is  however,  need- 
ful to  call  at  suitable  times,  and  to  avoid  staying  too 
long  if  your  friend  is  engaged.  The  courtesies  of 
society,  as  already  noticed,  must  ever  be  maintained 
even  in  the  domestic  circle,  or  among  the  nearest 
friends. 

Calling  at  an  Inconvenient  Hour. 

Should  you  call  by  chance  at  an  inconvenient 
hour,  when  perhaps  the  lady  is  going  out,  or  sitting 
down  to  luncheon,  retire  as  soon  as  possible,  even  if 
politely  asked  to  remain.  You  need  not  let  it  ap- 
pear that  you  feel  yourself  an  intruder;  every  well- 
bred  or  even  good-tempered  person  knows  what  to 
say  on  such  an  occasion;  but  politely  withdraw  with 
a  promise  to  call  again,  if  the  lady  seems  to  be  really 
disappointed. 

Visiting  at  Hotels. 
If  you  call  to  see  a  friend  who  is  staying  at  lodg- 


VISITS.  73 

ings,  however  intimate  you  may  be  with  him,  wait 
below  until  a  servant  has  carried  up  your  name  and 
returned  to  tell  you  whether  you  can  be  admitted. 
If  you  cannot  find  any  one  to  announce  you,  you 
should  knock  gently  at  the  chamber-door,  and  wait 
a  little  while  before  entering.  If  you  are  in  too  great 
a  hurry,  you  might  find  the  person  drawing  off  a 
night-cap.  These  decent  formalities  are  necessary 
even  in  the  most  unreserved  friendships;  they  pre- 
serve the  "familiar"  from  degenerating  into  the  "vul- 
gar." Disgust  will  very  speedily  arise  between  per- 
sons who  bolt  into  one  another's  chambers,  throw 
open  the  windows  and  seat  themselves  without  being 
desired  to  do  so.  Such  intimacies  are  like  the  junc- 
tion of  two  electrical  balls, — only  the  prelude  of  a 
violent  separation. 

Visiting  the  Sick. 

In  calling  to  see  a  person  confined  by  illness  to 
his  room,  it  is  not  enough  that  you  send  up  your 
name;  you  must  wait  till  the  servant  returns. 

Style  op  Conversation. 

The  style  of  your  conversation  should  always  be 
in  keeping  with  the  character  of  your  visit.  You 
must  not  talk  about  literature  in  a  visit  of  condolence 
nor  lecture  on  political  economy  in  a  visit  of  cere- 
mony. 


74  VISITS. 

Visits  op  Condolence. 

Visits  of  condolence  should  be  paid  within  a  week 
after  the  event  which  occasions  them;  but  if  the  ac- 
quaintance be  slight,  immediatel)''  after  the  family 
appear  at  public  worship.  A  card  should  be  sent 
up;  and  if  your  friends  are  able  to  receive  you,  let 
your  manners  and  conversation  be  in  harmony  with 
the  character  of  your  visit.  It  is  courteous  to  send 
up  a  mourning  card;  and  for  ladies  to  make  their 
calls  in  black  silk  or  plain-colored  apparel.  It  de- 
notes that  they  sympathize  with  the  afflictions  of  the 
family;  and  such  attentions  are  always  pleasing. 

Before  Going  Abroad. 

When  you  are  going  abroad,  intending  to  be  ab- 
sent for  some  time,  you  enclose  your  card  in  an  en- 
velope, having,  first,  written  p.  p.  c.  upon  it; — they 
are  the  initials  of  the  French  phrase,  ^^pour  prendre 
conge" — to  take  leave,  and  may  with  equal  propriety 
stand  for  presents  parting  compliments. 

Taking  Leave  of  a  Family. 

In  taking  leave  of  a  family,  you  send  as  many 
cards  as  you  would  if  you  were  paying  an  ordinary 
visit.  When  you  return  from  your  voyage,  all  the 
persons  to  whom,  before  going,  you  have  sent  cards, 
will  pay  you  the  first  visit. 


VISITS.  75 

Meeting  Other  Visitors. 

If  a  gentleman  call  at  a  house  when  a  woman  is 
visiting  there  at  the  same  time,  and  there  is  no  male 
relation  of  the  mistress  of  the  house  present,  he 
should  rise,  when  she  takes  leave,  and  accompany 
her  to  her  carriage,  opening  the  doors  for  her.  If 
his  visit  has  been  of  tolerable  length,  it  were  less 
awkward,  if  he  were  to  take  leave  at  the  same  time; 
if  not,  return  to  the  parlor. 

Gentlemen's  Morning  Call. 

Gentlemen  will  do  well  to  bear  in  mind  that,  when 
they  pay  morning  calls,  they  must  carry  their  hats 
with  them  into  the  drawing-room;  but  on  no  account 
put  them  on  the  chairs  or  table.  There  is  a  grace- 
ful manner  of  holding  a  hat,  which  every  well-bred 
man  understands. 

Returning  From  the  Country. 

In  the  beginning  of  the  season,  afterpersons  have 
returned  from  the  country,  and  at  the  close  of  it 
when  you  are  about  to  leave  town,  you  should  call 
upon  all  your  acquaintance.  It  is  polite  and  pleas- 
ant to  do  the  same  thing  on  New  Year's  day,  to  wish 
your  friends  the  compliments  of  that  season. 

Cards  for  Ceremonious  Visits. 
It  is  becoming  more  usual  for  visits  of  ceremony 


76  VISITS. 

to  be  performed  by  cards;  it  will  be  a  happy  day 
when  that  is  universal. 

Calling  on  Strangers. 

If  a  stranger  belonging  to  your  own  class  of  socie- 
ty comes  to  town,  you  should  call  upon  him.  That 
civility  should  be  paid  even  if  there  be  no  previous 
acquaintance;  and  it  does  not  require  the  ceremony 
of  an  introduction.  In  going  to  another  city,  you 
should  in  general  wait  to  be  visited;  but  the  etiquette 
is  different  in  many  cities  of  our  country. 

Engaged  or  not  at  Home. 

When  you  call  to  see  a  person,  and  are  informed 
at  the  door,  that  the  party  whom  you  ask  for,  is  en- 
gaged, you  should  never  persist  in  your  attempt  to 
be  admitted,  but  should  acquiesce  at  once  in  their 
arrangements  which  the  others  have  made  for  their 
convenience,  to  protect  themselves  from  interrup- 
tion. However  intimate  you  may  be  in  any  house, 
you  have  no  right  nor  reason,  when  an  order  has 
been  given  to  exclude  general  visitors,  and  no  excep- 
tion has  been  made  of  you,  to  violate  that  exclusion 
and  declare  that  the  party  shall  be  at  home  to  you. 
I  have  known  several  persons  who  have  had  the  hab- 
it of  forcing  an  entrance  into  a  house,  after  having 
been  thus  forbidden;  but  whatever  has  been  the  de- 
gree of  intimacy,  I  never  knew  it  done  without  giv- 
ing an  offence  bordering  on  disgust.  There  are  many 
times  and  seasons  at  which  a  person  chooses  to  be 


VISITS.  77 

entirely  alone,  and  when  there  is  no  friendship  for 
which  he  would  give  up  his  occupation  or  his  soli- 
tude. 

Evening  Visits. 

Evening  visits  are  paid  only  to  those  with  whom 
we  are  well  acquainted.  They  should  not  be  very 
frequent  even  where  one  is  intimate,  nor  should  they 
be  much  protracted.  Frequent  visits  will  gain  for  a 
man,  in  any  house,  the  reputation  of  tiresome,  and 
long  visits  will  invariably  bring  down  the  appella- 
tion of  bore.  Morning  visits  are  always  extremely 
brief,  being  matters  of  mere  ceremony. 

Friendly  Calls. 

It  is  not  necessary  to  mention  friendly  calls,  ex- 
cept to  state,  that  almost  all  ceremony  should  be  dis- 
pensed with,  They  are  made  at  all  hours  without 
much  preparation  or  dressing;  a  too  brilliant  attire 
would  be  out  of  place,  and  if  the  engagement  of  the 
day  carry  you  in  such  a  costume  to  the  house  of  a 
friend,  you  ought  obligingly  to  make  an  explana* 
tion. 

Keep  Account  of  Visits. 

With  a  friend  or  relation  whom  we  treat  as  such, 
we  do  not  keep  an  account  of  our  visits.  The  one 
who  has  the  most  leisure  calls  on  the  one 
who  has  the  least;  but  this  privilege  ought  not  to  be 
abused;  it  is  necessary  to  make  our  visits  of  friend- 


78  VISITS. 

ship  at  suitable  times.  On  the  contrary,  a  visit  of 
ceremony  should  never  be  made  without  keeping  an 
account  of  it,  and  we  should  even  remember  the  in- 
tervals at  which  they  are  returned,  for  it  is  indispen- 
sably necessary  to  let  a  similar  interval  elapse.  Peo- 
ple in  this  way  give  you  notice  whether  they  wish 
to  see  you  often  or  seldom.  There  are  some  persons 
whom  one  goes  to  see  once  in  a  fortnight;  others, 
once  a  month;  and  others,  less  frequently. 

Omiting  Visits. 

In  order  not  to  omit  visits,  which  are  to  be  made, 
or  to  avoid  making  them  form  misinformation,  when 
a  preceding  one  has  not  been  returned,  persons  who 
have  an  extensive  acquaintance  will  do  vv^ell  to  keep 
a  little  memorandum-book  for  this  purpose. 

'        Ceremonious  Visits. 

We  cannot  make  ceremonious  visits  in  a  becom- 
ing manner,  if  we  have  any  slight  indisposition 
which  may  for  the  time  affect  our  appearance  or 
voice,  which  may  embarrass  our  thoughts,  and  ren- 
der our  company  fatiguing. 

Suitable  Times  for  Visits. 

To  take  a  suitable  time  for  one's  self,  or  for  others, 
is  indispensable  in  visiting,  as  in  everything  else;  if 
you  can  obtain  this  by  remembering  the  habits  of 
the  person  you  are  going  to  see,  by  making  arrange- 
ments so  as  not  to  call  at  the  time  of  taking  meals. 


VISITS.  79 

in  moments  of  occupation,  and  when  they  are  like- 
ly to  be  walking.  This  time  necessarily  varies;  but 
as  a  general  rule  we  must  take  care  not  to  make  cer- 
emonious visits,  either  before  the  middle  of  the  day 
or  after  four  o'clock.  To  do  otherwise  would,  on  the 
one  hand,  look  like  importunity,  by  presenting  one's 
self  too  early,  and  on  the  other  might  interfere  with 
arrangements  that  had  been  made  for  the  even- 
ing. 

How  TO  TREAT  VISITORS, 

A  well-bred  person  aways  receives  visitors  at  what- 
ever time  they  may  call,  or  whoever  they  may  be;  but 
if  you  are  occupied  and  cannot  afford  to  be  interrupt- 
ed by  a  mere  ceremony,  you  should  instruct  the  ser- 
vant beforehand  to  say  that  you  are  "  not  at  home." 
This  form  has  often  been  denounced  as  a  falsehood, 
but  a  lie  is  no  lie  unless  intended  to  deceive ;  and 
since  the  words  are  universally  understood  to  mean 
that  you  are  engaged,  it  can  be  no  harm  to  give 
such  an  order  to  a  servant.  But,  on  the  other  hand, 
if  the  servant  once  admits  a  visitor  within  the  hall, 
you  should  receive  him  at  any  inconvenience  to 
yourself.  A  lady  should  never  keep  a  visitor  wait- 
ing more  than  a  minute,  or  two  at  the  most,  and  if 
she  cannot  avoid  doing  so,  must  apologize  on  enter- 
ing the  drawing-room. 

Taking  a  Seat  while  Visiting. 
In  good  society,  a  visitor,  unless  he  is  a  complete 


80  VISITS. 

stranger,  does  not  wait  to  be  invited  to  sit  down,  but 
takes  a  seat  at  once  easily.    A  gentleman  should 

never  take  the  principal    plnnft  ^r^    tVift   t'^^tti^  y.nv^  nii 

llio  other  liand,  sit  at  an  inconvenient  distance  from 
the  lady  of  the  house.     lie  must  hold  his  hat  grace- 
fully,  not  put  it  on  a  chair  or  table,  or,  if  he  wants   ^ 
to  use  both  hands,  must  place  it  on  the  floor  close  to 
his  chair.    ^ 

Pay  Equal  attention  to  All. 

A  well-bred  lady,  who  is  receiving  two  or  three 
visitors  at  a  time,  pays  equal  attention  to  all,  and 
attempts,  as  much  as  possible,  to  generalize  the  con- 
versation, turning  to  all  in  succession.  The  last 
arrival,  however,  receives  a  little  more  attention  at 
first  than  the  others,  and  the  latter,  to  spare  her  em- 
barrasment,  should  leave  as  soon  as  convenient. 
People  who  out-sit  two  or  three  parties  of  visitors, 
unless  they  have  some  particular  motive  for  doing 
so,  come  under  the  denomination  of  "bores."  A 
"bore"  is  a  person  who  does  not  know  when  you 
have  had  enough  of  his  or  her  company. 

Taking  a  Friend  with  you  Visiting. 

Be  cautious  how  you  take  an  intimate  friend  un- 
invited even  to  the  house  of  those  with  whom  you 
may  be  equally  intimate,  as  there  is  always  a  feeling 
ing  of  jealousy  that  another  should  share  your 
thoughts  and  feehngs  to  the  same  extent  as  them- 


VISITS.  81 

selves,  although  good  breeding  will  induce  them  to 
behave  civilly  to  your  friend  on  your  account. 

Pkivilages  of  Ladies. 

Ladies  in  the  present  day  are  allowed  considerable 
license  in  paying  and  receiving  visits;  subject,  how- 
ever, to  certain  rules,  which  it  is  needful  to  define. 

Visiting  Acquaintances  Alone. 

Young  married  ladies  may  visit  their  acquaintan- 
ces alone;  but  they  may  not  appear  in  any  public 
places  unattended  by  their  husbands  or  elder  ladies. 
This  rule  must  never  be  infringed,  whether  as  re- 
gards exhibitions,  or  public  libraries,  museums,  or 
promonades;  but  a  young  married  lady  is  at  liberty 
to  walk  with  her  friends  of  the  same  age,  whether 
married  or  single.  Gentlemen  are  permitted  to  call 
on  married  ladies  at  their  own  houses.  Such  calls 
the  usages  of  society  permit,  but  never  without  the 
knowledge  and  full  permission  of  husbands. 

A  Lady  Calling  on  a  Gentleman. 

A  lady  never  calls  on  a  gentleman,  unless  profes- 
sionally or  officially.  It  is  not  only  ill-bred,  but  pos- 
itively improper  to  do  so.  At  the  same  time,  there 
is  a  certain  privilege  in  age,  which  makes  it  possible 
for  an  old  bachelor  like  myself  to  receive  a  visit  from 
any  married  lady  whom  I  know  very  intimately, 
but  such  a  call  would  certainly  not  be  one  of  cere- 
mony, and  always  presupposes  a  desire  to  consult  me 


82  VISITS, 

on  some  point  or  other.  I  should  be  guilty  of  shame- 
ful treachery,  however,  if  I  told  any  one  that  I  had 
received  such  a  visit,  while  I  should  certainly  expect 
that  my  fair  caller  would  let  her  husband  know  of 
it. 

Preference  op  Seats. 

When  morning  visitors  are  announced,  rise  and 
advance  toward  them.  If  a  lady  enters  request  her 
to  be  seated  on  a  sofa;  but  if  advanced  in  life,  or  the 
visitor  be  an  elderly  gentleman,  insist  on  their  ac- 
cepting an  easy  chair,  and  place  yourself,  by  them. 
If  several  ladies  arrive  at  the  same  time,  pay  due  re- 
spect to  age  and  rank,  and  seat  them  in  the  most 
honorable  places;  these,  in  winter,  are  beside  the 
fire. 

Kespect  toward  the  Feeble  and  Aged. 

Supposing  that  a  young  lady  occupies  such  a  seat, 
and  a  lady  older  than  herself,  or  superior  in  condi- 
tion, enters  the  room,  she  must  rise  immediately,  and 
having  courteously  offered  her  place  to  the  new  com- 
er, take  another  in  a  different  part  of  the  room. 

Discontinuing  Work. 

If  a  lady  is  engaged  with  her  needle  when  a  vis- 
itor arrives,  she  ought  to  discontinue  her  work,  un- 
less requested  to  do  otherwise;  and  not  even  then 
must  it  be  resumed,  unless  on  very  intimate  terms 
with  her  acquaintance.     When  this,  however,  is  the 


VISITS.  83 

case,  the  hostess  may  herself  request  permission  to 
do  so.  To  continue  working  during  a  visit  of  cere- 
mony would  be  extremely  discourteous;  and  we  can- 
not avoid  hinting  to  our  lady  readers,  that  even  when 
a  particular  friend  is  present  for  only  a  short  time, 
it  is  somewhat  inconsistent  with  etiquette  to  keep 
their  eyes  fixed  on  a  crochet  or  knitting-book,  appar- 
ently engaged  in  counting  stitches,  or  unfolding  the 
intricacies  of  a  pattern.  We  have  seen  this  done, 
and  are,  therefore,  car.eful  to  warn  them  on  the  sub- 
ject. There  are  many  kinds  of  light  and  elegant, 
and  even  useful  work,  which  do  not  require  close  at- 
tention, and  may  be  profitably  pursued;  and  such 
we  recommend  to  be  always  on  ths  work-table  at 
those  hours  which,  according  tc  established  practice, 
are  given  to  social  intercourse. 

Visiting  Cards. 

Visitors  should  furnish  themselves  with  cards. 
Gentlemen  ought  simply  to  put  their  cards  into  their 
pocket,  but  ladies  may  carry  them  in  a  small  ele- 
gant portfolio,  called  a  card-case.  This  they  can 
hold  in  their  hand  and  it  will  contribute  essentially 
(with  an  elegant  handkerchief  of  embroidered  cam- 
bric,) to  give  them  an  air  of  good  taste. 

ft 
Address  on  Cards. 

On  visiting  cards,  the  address  is  usually  placed 
under  the  name,  towards  the  bottom  of  the  card, 
and  in  smaller  letters.    Mourning  cards  are  sur- 


84  VISITS. 

mounted  with  a  broad  black  margin;  half  mourn- 
ing ones,  with  a  black  edge  only. 

Keeping  Cards. 

It  is  bad  taste  to  keep  the  cards  you  have  received 
around  the  frame  of  a  looking-glass;  such  an  ex- 
posure shows  that  you  wish  to  make  a  display  of  the 
names  of  visitors.  When  from  some  cause  or  other 
which  multiplies  visitors  at  your  house;  (such  as  a 
funeral  or  a  marriage,)  you  are  obliged  to  return 
these  numerous  calls,  it  is  not  amiss  to  preserve  the 
cards  in  a  convenient  place,  and  save  yourself  the 
trouble  of  writing  a  list;  but  if,  during  the  year, 
your  glass  is  always  seen  bristling  with  smoke-dried 
cards,  it  will  be  attributed,  without  doubt,  to  an  ill- 
regulated  self  esteem.  If  the  call  is  made  in  a  car- 
riage, the  servant  will  ask  if  the  lady  you  wish  to 
see  is  at  home.  If  persons  call  on  foot,  they  go 
themselves  to  ask  the  servants. 

Laying  Aside  the  Bonnet. 

The  short  time  devoted  to  a  ceremonious  visit,  the 
necessity  of  consulting  a  glass  in  replacing  the  head- 
dress, and  of  being  assisted  in  putting  on  the  shawl, 
prevent  ladies  from  accepting  the  invitation  to  lay 
them  aside.  If  they  are  slightly  familiar  with  the 
person  they  are  visiting  and  wish  to  be  more  at  ease, 
they  should  ask  permission,  which  should  be  grant- 
ed them,  at  the  same  time  rising,  to  assist  them 
in  taking  off  their  hat  and  shawl.    An  arm-chair, 


VISITS,  85 

or  a  piece  of  furniture  at  a  distant  part  of  the  room, 
should  receive  these  articles;  they  should  not  be 
placed  upon  the  couch,  without  the  mistress  of  the 
house  puts  them  there. 

Habitual  Visits. 

At  the  house  of  a  person  whom  we  visit  habitual- 
ly, we  can  lay  them  aside  without  saying  a  word,  and 
a  lady  can  even  adjust  her  hair,  &c.  before  the  glass, 
provided  she  occupies  only  a  few  moments  in  doing 
it.  If  the  person  you  call  upon  is  preparing  to  go 
out,  or  to  sit  down  at  table,  you  should  although 
asked  to  remain,  to  retire  as  soon  as  possible.  The 
person  visited  so  unseasonably,  should  on  her  part, 
be  careful  to  conceal  her  knowledge,  that  the  other 
wishes  the  visit  ended  quickly. 

We  should  always  appear  delighted  to  receive  vis- 
itors; and  should  they  make  a  short  visit,  you  must 
express  your  regret. 

Short  Visits. 

Ceremonious  visits  should  be  short;  if  the  conver- 
sation ceases  without  being  again  continued  by  the 
person  you  have  come  to  see,  and  if  she  gets  up  from 
her  seat  under  any  pretext  whatever,  custom  re- 
quires you  to  make  your  salutation  and  withdraw. 
If  before  this  tacit  invitation  to  retire,  other  visitors 
are  announced,  you  should  adroitly  leave  them  with- 
out saying  much.  If,  while  you  are  present,  a  letter 
is  brought  to  the  person  you  are  visiting,  and  she 


86  VISITS. 

should  lay  it  down  without  opening  it,  you  must  en- 
treat her  to  read  it;  she  will  probably  not  do  so,  and 
this  circumstance  will  warn  you  to  shorten  your 
visit. 

Unintentional  Intrusions. 

In  most  families  in  this  country,  evening  calls  are 
the  most  usual.  Sholild  you  chance  to  visit  a  fami- 
ly, and  find  that  they  have  a  party,  present  yourself, 
and  converse  for  a  few  minutes  with  an  unembar- 
rassed air;  after  which  you  may  retire,  unless  urged 
to  remain.  A  slight  invitation,  given  lor  tne  sake, 
of^  courtesy,  ought"  not  to  be  accepteaT^  Make  no 
'  apology  Tor  your  unintentional  intrusion;  but  let  it 
be  known,  in  the  course  of  a  few  days,  that  you  were 
not  aware  that  your  friends  had  company. 

True  Hospitality. 

In  receiving  guests,  your  first  object  should  be 
to  make  them  feel  at  home.  Begging  them  to  make 
themselves  at  home  is  not  sufficient.  You  should 
display  a  genuine  unaffected  friendliness.  Whether 
you  are  mistress  of  a  mansion  or  a  cottage,  and  in- 
vite a  friend  to  share  your  hospitality,  you  must  en- 
deavor, by  every  possible  means,  to  render  the  visit 
agreeable.  This  should  be  done  without  apparent 
effort,  that  the  visitor  may  feel  herself  to  be  a  par- 
taker in  your  home  enjoyments,  instead  of  finding 
that  you  put  yourself  out  of  the  way  to  procure  ex- 
traneous pleasures.     It  is  right  and  proper  that  you 


VISITS.  87 

seek  to  make  the  time  pass  lightly;  but  if,  on  the 
other  hand,  you  let  a  visitor  perceive  that  the  whole 
tenor  of  your  daily  concerns  is  altered  on  her  account 
a  degree  of  depression  will  be  felt,  and  the  pleasant 
anticipations  which  she  most  probably  entertained 
will  fail  to  be  realized.  Let  your  friend  be  assured, 
from  your  manner,  that  her  presence  is  a  real  enjoy- 
ment to  you,  an  incentive  to  recreations  which  other- 
wise would  not  be  thought  of  in  the  common  rou- 
tine of  life.  Observe  your  own  feelings  when  you 
happen  to  be  the  guest  of  a  person  who,  though  he 
may  be  very  much  your  friend,  and  really  glad  to 
see  you,  seems  not  to  know  what  to  do  either  with 
you  or  himself;  and  again,  when  in  the  house  of 
another  you  feel  as  much  at  ease  as  in  your  own. 
Mark  the  difference,  more  easily  felt  than  described, 
between  the  manners  of  the  two,  and  deduce  there- 
from a  lesson  for  your  own  improvement. 

Treatment  op  Guests. 

If  you  have  guests  in  your  house,  you  are  to  ap- 
pear to  feel  that  they  are  all  equal  for  the  time,  for 
they  all  have  an  equal  claim  upon  your  courtesies. 
Those  of  the  humblest  condition  will  receive  full  as 
much  attention  as  the  rest,  in  order  that  you  shall  not 
painfully  make  them  feel  their  inferiority. 

Offer  your  guests  the  best  that  you  have  in  the 
way  of  food  and  rooms,  and  express  no  regrets  and 
make  no  excuses  that  you  have  nothing  better  to 
give  them. 


88  VISITS. 

Try  to  make  your  guests  feel  at  home;  and  do 
this,  not  by  urging  them  in  empty  words  to  do  so 
but  by  making  their  stay  as  pleasant  as  possible,  at 
the  same  time  being  careful  to  put  out  of  sight  any 
trifling  trouble  or  inconvenience  they  may  cause 
you. 

Devote  as  much  time  as  is  consistent  with  other 
engagements  to  the  amusement  and  entertainment 
of  your  guests. 

Duties  op  the  Visitor. 

On  the"  other  hand,  the  visitor  should  try  tQ-COIt___ 

form  as  much  as  possible  to  the  habits  of  the  house 
which  temporarily  shelters  him.  He  should  never 
'oDject  to  the  hours  at  which  meals  are  served,  nor 
should  he  ever  allow  the  family  to  be  kept  waiting 
on  his  account. 

It  is  a  good  rule  for  a  visitor  to  retire  to  his  own 
apartment  in  the  morning,  or  at  least  seek  out  some 
occupation  of  his  own,  without  seeming  to  need  the 
assistance  or  attention  of  host  or  hostess;  for  it  is 
undeniable  that  these  have  certain  duties  which 
must  be  attended  to  at  this  portion  of  the  day,  in 
jrder  to  leave  the  balance  of  the  time  free  for  the 
entertainment  of  their  guests. 

If  any  family  matters  of  a  private  or  unpleasant 
nature  come  to  the  knowledge  of  the  guest  during 
his  stay,  he  must  seem  both  blind  and  deaf,  and 
never  refer  to  them  unless  the  parties  interested 
speak  of  them  first.     Still  more  is  he  under  moral 


VISITS.  89 

obligations  never  to  repeat  to  others  what  he  may 
have  been  forced  to  see  and  hear. 

The  rule  on  which  a  host  and  hostess  should  act 
is  to  make  their  guests  as  much  at  ease  as  possible; 
that  on  which  a  visitor  should  act  is  to  interfere  as 
little  as  possible  with  the  ordinary  routine  of  the 
house. 

It  is  not  required  that  a  hostess  should  spend  her 
whole  time  in  the  entertainment  of  her  guests.  The 
latter  may  prefer  to  be  left  to  their  own  devices  for 
a  portion  of  the  day.  On  the  other  hand  it  shows 
the  worst  of  breeding  for  a  visitor  to  seclude  him- 
self from  the  family  and  seek  his  own  amusements 
and  occupations  regardless  of  their  desire  to  join  in 
them  or  entertain  him.  Such  a  guest  had  better  go 
to  a  hotel,  where  he  can  live  as  independently  as  he 
chooses. 

Give  as  little  trouble  as  possible  when  a  guest,  but 
at  the  same  time  never  think  of  apologizing  for  any 
little  additional  trouble  which  your  visit  may  occa- 
sion. It  would  imply  that  you  thought  your  friends 
incapable  of  entertaining  you  without  some  incon- 
venience to  themselves. 

Keep  your  room  as  neat  as  possible,  and  leave  no 
articles  of  dress  or  toilet  around  to  give  trouble  to 

servants. 

A  lady  will  not  hesitate  to  make  her  own  bed  if 
few  or  no  servants  are  kept;  and  in  the  latter  case 
she  will  do  whatever  else  she  can  to  lighten  the  la- 
bors of  her  hostess  as  a  return  for  the  additional  ex- 
ertion her  visit  occasions. 


90  VISITS. 

Leavetaking. 

Upon  taking  leave  express  the  pleasure  you  have 
experienced  in  your  visit.  Upon  returning  home  it 
is  an  act  of  courtesy  to  write  and  inform  your  friends 
of  your  safe  arrival,  at  the  same  time  repeating  your 
thanks. 

A  host  and  hostess  should  do  all  they  can  to  make 
the  visit  of  a  friend  agreeable;  they  should  urge 
him  to  stay  as  long  as  is  consistent  with  his  own 
plans,  and  at  the  same  time  convenient  to  them- 
selves. But  when  the  time  for  departure  has  been 
finally  fixed  upon,  no  obstacles  should  be  placed  in 
the  way  of  leavetaking.  Help  him  in  every  possi- 
ble way  to  depart,  at  the  same  time  giving  him  a 
general  invitation  to  renew  the  visit  at  some  future 
period. 

"Welcome  the  coming,  speed  the  parting,  guest," 

expresses  the  true  spirit  of  hospitality. 


CHAPTER  VIII. 
DINNEB-PABTIES  AND  BALLS. 

THE  hour  of  dinner  has  been  pronounced  by 
Dr.  Johnson,  to  be,  in  civilized  life,  the  most 
important  hour  of  the  twenty-four.  The  etiquette 
of  the  dinner-table  has  a  prominence  commensurate 
with  the  dignity  of  the  ceremony.  Like  the  his- 
torian of  Peter  Bell,  we  commence  at  the  commence- 
ment, and  thence  proceed  to  the  moment  when  you 
take  leave  officially,  or  vanish  unseen. 

Invitations. 

In  order  to  dine,  the  first  requisite  is — to  bo  invit- 
ed.   The  length  of  time  which  the  invitation  pre- 
"TeSes  the  dinner  is  always  proportioned  to  the  grand- 
eur of  jthe  occasion,  and  varies  from  two  days  to 
two    weeks. 

Reply  to  Invitation. 

You  reply  to  a  note  of  invitation  immediately, 
and  in  the  most  direct  and  unequivocal  terms.  If 
you  accept,  you  arrive  at  the  house  rigorously  at  the 


82  DINNEB-PABTIES  AND  BALLS. 

hour  specified.  It  is  equall}'^  inconvenient  to  be  too 
late  and  to  be  too  early.  If  you  fall  into  the  latter 
error,  you  find  every  thing  in  disorder ;  the  master 
of  the  house  is  in  his  dressing-room,  changing  his 
waistcoat;  the  lady  is  still  in  the  pantry ;  the  fire  not  yet 
lighted  in  the  parlor.  If  by  accident  or  thoughtless- 
ness you  arrive  too  soon,  you  may  pretend  that  you 
called  to  inquire  the  exact  hour  at  which  they  dine, 
having  mislaid  the  note,  and  then  retire  to  walk  for 
an  appetite. 

Arriving  too  Late. 

If  you  are  too  late,  the  evil  is  still  greater,  and 
indeed  almost  without  a  remedy.  Your  delay  spoils 
the  dinner  and  destroys  the  appetite  and  tamper  of 
the  guests ;  and  you  yourself  are  so  much  embarrassed 
at  the  inconvenience  you  have  occasioned,  that  you 
commit  a  thousand  errors  at  table.  If  you  do  not 
reach  the  house  until  dinner  is  served,  you  had 
better  retire  to  a  restaurant,  and  thence  send  an 
apology,  and  not  interrupt  the  harmony  of  the  courses 
by  awkward  excuses  and  cold  acceptances. 

Manners  at  Table. 

Nothing  indicates  the  good  breeding  of  a  gentle- 
man so  much  as  his  manners  at  table.  There  are  a 
thousand  little  points  to  be  observed,  which,  al- 
though not  absolutely  necessary,  distinctly  stamp  the 
refined  and  well-bred  man.  A  man  may  pass  mus- 
ter by  dressing  well,  and  may  sustain  himself  tolerably 


DINNEB-PABTIES  AND  BALLS.  93 

in  conversation ;  but  if  he  be  not  perfectly  "aufait  " 
dinner  will  betray  him. 

Dress  Neatly  for  Dinner  Party.  ^w^*4*^ 

Always  go  to  a  dinner  as  ne^^lv  dressed  as  possi-       .  \ 


JjIeT    The  expensiveness  of  your  apparel  is  not  oV     l/Ufl 


but  its  freshness  and  cleanliness 


are  indispensable.     The  hands  and  finger-nails  lf6-'"  {^^ 
quire  especial  attention.    It  is  a  great  insult  to  eyery    ^"-J^"^ 
lady  at  the  table  for  a  man  to  sit  down  to  dinner 
with  his  hands  in  a  bad  condition. 

How  Long  to  Remain  after  Dinner. 

Politeness  demands  that  you  remain  at  least  an 
hour  in  the  parlor,  after  dinner;  and,  if  you  can 
dispose  of  an  entire  eyening,  it  would  be  well  to 
devote  it  to  the  person  who  has  entertained  you.  It 
is  excessively  rude  to  leave  the  house  as  soon  as 
dinner  is  over. 

Congenial  Company. 

The  utmost  care  should  be  taken  that  all  the  com- 
pany will  be  congenial  to  one  another,  and  with  a 
similarity  of  tastes  and  acquirements,  so  that  there 
shall  be  a  common  ground  upon  which  they  may 
meet. 

Number  of  Guests. 

The  number  of  guests  should  not  be  too  large. 
From  six  to  ten  form  the  best  number,  being  neither 


94  DINNER-PARTIES  AND  BALLS. 

too  large  nor  too  small.  By  no  means  let  the  num- 
ber at  table  count  thirteen,  for  certain  people  have  a 
superstition  about  this  number;  and  though  it  is  a 
very  foolish  and  absurd  one,  it  is  courteous  to  re- 
spect it. 

Manner  op  Writing  Invitations. 

The  invitations  should  be  written  on  small  note- 
paper,  which  may  have  the  initial  letter  or  mono- 
gram stamped  upon  it,  but  good  taste  forbids  any- 
thing more.  The  envelope  should  match  the  sheet 
of  paper 

The  invitation  should  be  issued  in  the  name  of 
the  host  and  hostess. 

The  form  of  invitation  should  be  as  follows: 

"  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Ford  request  the  pleasure  [or  favorj 
of  Mr.  and  Mrc.  Harper's  company  at  dinner  on 
Thursday,  the  13th  of  December,  at  5  o'clock." 

An  answer  should  be  returned  at  once,  so  that  if 
the  invitation  is  declined  the  hostess  may  modify 
her  arrangements  accordingly. 

Invitation  Accepted. 

An  acceptance  may  be  given  in  the  following  form : 
"Mr.  and  Mrs.  Harper  have  much  pleasure  in 
accepting  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Ford's  invitation  for  De- 
cember 13th." 

Invitation  Declined. 
The  invitation  is  declined  in  the  following  manner; 


DINNER-PARTIES  AND  BALLS.  96 

"Mr.  and  Mrs.  Harper  regret  that  a  previous  en- 
gagement (or  whatever  the  cause  may  be)  will  pre- 
vent them  having  the  pleasure  of  accepting  Mr.  and 
Mrs.  Ford's  invitation  for  December  13th." 

Or, 

"Mr.  and  Mrs.  Harper  regret  extremely  that  owing 
to  [whatever  the  preventing  cause  may  be,]  they 
cannot  have  the  pleasure  of  dining  with  Mr.  and 
Mrs.  Ford  on  Thursday,  December  13th." 

Whatever  the  cause  for  declining  may  be,  it  should 
be  stated  briefly  yet  plainly,  that  there  may  be  no 
occasion  for  misunderstanding  or  hard  feelings. 

Invitation  to  Tea-party. 

The  invitation  to  a  tea-party  may  be  less  formal. 
It  may  take  the  form  of  a  friendly  note,  something 
in  this  manner: 

"Dear  Miss  Patterson," 

"We  have  some  friends  coming  to  drink  tea  with 
us  to-morrow :  will  you  give  us  the  pleasure  of  your 
company  also?  We  hope  you  will  not  disappoint 
us." 

One  should  always  say  "drink  tea,"  not  "take  tea," 
which  is  a  vulgarism. 

Reception  op  Guests. 
When  guests  are  announced,  the  lady  of  the  house 
advances  a  few  steps  to  meet  them;  gives  them  her 
hand  and  welcomes  them  cordially. 


86  DINNER-PARTIES  AND  BALLS. 

Introduction  of  Guests. 

If  there  are  strangers  in  the  company,  it  is  best  to 
introduce  them  to  all  present,  that  they  may  feel  no 
embarrassment. 

Proceeding  to  Dinner. 

When  they  are  all  assembled,  a  domestic  announ- 
ces that  the  dinner  is  served  up;  at  this  signal  we 
rise  immediately,  and  wait  until  the  master 
of  the  house  requests  us  to  pass  into  the  din- 
ing-room, whither  he  conducts  us  by  going  before. 
It  is  quite  common  for  the  lady  of  the  house  to 
act  as  guide  to  the  guests,  while  the  master  offers  his 
arm  to  the  lady  of  most  distinction.  The  guests  al- 
so give  their  arms  to  the  ladies,  whom  they  conduct 
as  far  as  the  table,  and  to  the  places  which  they  are 
to  occupy.  Having  arrived  at  the  table,  each  guest 
respectfully  bows  to  the  lady  whom  he  conducts,  and 
who  in  her  turn  bows  also. 

Arranging  Guests  at  Table. 

It  is  one  of  the  first  and  most  difficult  things, 
properly  to  arrange  the  r;uests,  and  to  place  them  in 
such  a  manner,  that  the  conversation  may  always  be 
general  during  the  entertainment;  we  should,  as 
much  as  possible,  avoid  putting  next  one  another, 
two  persons  of  the  same  profession,  as  it  would  ne- 
cessarily result  in  an  aside  dialogue,  which  would 
injure  the  general  conversation,  and  consequently 


DINNER-PABTIES  AND  BALLS.  97 

the  gaiety  of  the  occasion.  The  two  most  distin- 
guished gentlemen  ought  to  be  placed  next  the 
mistress  of  the  house;  and  the  two  most  distinguish- 
ed ladies  next  the  master  of  the  house;  the  right 
hand  is  especially  the  place  of  honor. 

Intermingling  Guests. 

If  the  number  of  gentlemen  is  nearly  equal  to  that 
of  the  ladieSjWe  should  take  care  to  intermingle  them; 
we  should  separate  husbands  from  their  wives,  and 
remove  near  relations  as  far  from  one  another  as 
possible;  because  being  always  together,  they  ought 
not  to  converse  among  themselves  in  a  general 
part^ 

At  table,  as  well  as  at  all  other  places,  the  lady  al- 
ways takes  precedence  of  the  gentleman. 

Asking  the  Waiter  for  Anything. 

If  you  ask  the  waiter  for  anything,  you  will  be 
careful  to  speak  to  him  gently  in  the  tone  of  request, 
and  not  of  command.  To  speak  to  a  waiter  in  a  driv- 
ing manner  will  create,  among  well-bred  people,  the 
suspicion  that  you  were  sometime  a  servant  yourself, 
and  are  putting  on  airs  at  the  thought  of  your  pro- 
motion. Lord  Chesterfield  says:  "If  I  tell  a  foot- 
man to  bring  me  a  glass  of  wine,  in  a  rough,  insult- 
ing manner,  I  should  expect  that,  in  obeying  me,  he 
would  contrive  to  spill  some  of  it  upon  me,  and  I  am 
sure  I  should  deserve  it." 

7 


98  DINNEErPABTIES  AND  BALLS. 

Praising  Every  Dish. 

It  is  not  good  taste  to  praise  extravagantly  every 
dish  that  is  set  before  you ;  but  if  there  are  some 
things  that  are  really  very  nice,  it  is  well  to  speak  in 
their  praise.  But,  above  all  things,  avoid  seeming 
indifferent  to  the  dinner  that  is  provided  for  you,  as 
that  might  be  construed  into  a  dissatisfaction  with 
it. 

Picking  Your  Teeth  at  the  Table. 

Avoid  picking  your  teeth,  if  possible,  at  the  table, 
for  however  agreeable  such  a  practice  might  be  to 
yourself,  it  may  be  offensive  to  others.  The  habit 
which  some  have  of  holding  one  hand  over  the 
mouth,  does  not  avoid  the  vulgarity  of  teeth-pick- 
ing at  table. 

Selecting  a  Particular  Dish. 

Unless  you  are  requested  to  do  so,  never  select  any 
particular  part  of  a  dish;  but  if  your  host  asks  you 
what  part  you  prefer,  name  some  part,  as  in  this  case 
the  incivility  would  consist  in  making  your  host 
choose  as  well  as  carve  for  you. 

Duties  of  Host  and  Hostess. 

The  lady  and  gentleman  of  the  house,  are  of  course 
helped  last,  and  they  are  very  particular  to  notice, 
every  minute,  whether  the  waiters  are  attentive  to 
every  guest.    But  they  do  not  press  people  either  to 


DiNJSrEB-PARTlES  AND  BALLS.  99 

eat  more  than  they  appear  to  want,  nor  iitmst  upon 
their  partaking  of  any  particular  dish.  It  is  allow- 
able for  you  to  recommend,  so  far  as  to  say  that  it  is 
considered  "excellent,"  but  remember  that  tastes  dif- 
fer, and  dishes  which  suit  you,  may  be  unpleasant 
to  others;  and  that,  in  consequence  of  your  urgency 
some  modest  people  might  feel  themselves  compelled 
to  partake  of  what  is  disagreeable  to  them. 

Paring  Fruit  for  a  Lady. 

Never  pare  an  apple  or  a  pear  for  a  lady  unless 
she  desire  you,  and  then  be  careful  to  use  your  fork 
to  hold  it;  you  may  sometimes  offer  to  divide' a  very 
large  pear  with  or  for  a  person. 

Dipping  Bread  Into  Preserves. 

It  is  considered  vulgar  to  dip  a  piece  of  bread  into 
the  preserves  or  gravy  upon  your  plate  and  then  bite 
it.  If  you  desire  to  eat  them  together,  it  is  much 
better  to  break  the  bread  in  small  pieces,  and  con- 
vey these  to  your  mouth  with  your  fork. 

Soup. 

Soup  is  the  first  course.  All  should  accept  it  even 
if  they  let  it  remain  untouched,  because  it  is  better 
to  make  a  pretence  of  eating  until  the  next  course  is 
served  than  to  sit  waiting  or  compel  the  servants  to 
serve  one  before  the  rest. 

Soup  should  be  eaten  with  the  side  of  the  spoon, 
not  from  the  point,  and  there  should  be  no  noise  of 


100  DINNEB-PABTIES  AND  BALLS. 

sipping  while  eating  it.    It  should  not  be  called  for 
a  second  time. 

Fish. 

Fish  follows  soup,  and  must  be  eaten  with  a  fork, 
unless  fish-knives  are  provided.  Put  the  sauce,  when 
it  is  handed  you,  on  the  side  of  your  plate. 

Fish  may  be  declined,  but  must  not  be  called  for 
a  second  time. 

General  Rules  eegarding  Dinner. 

After  soup  and  fish,  come  the  side-dishes,  which 
must  be  eaten  with  a  fork  only,  though  the  knife 
may  be  used  in  cutting  anything  too  hard  for  a 
fork. 

Never  apologize  to  a  waiter  for  requiring  him  to 
wait  upon  you;  that  is  his  business.  Neither  re- 
prove him  for  negligence  or  improper  conduct,  that 
is  the  business  of  the  host. 

Never  take  up  a  piece  of  asparagus  or  the  bones 
of  fowl  or  bird  with  your  fingers  to  suck  them,  pos- 
sibly making  the  remark  that  "fingers  were  made 
before  fork*s."  These  things  should  always  be  cut 
with  a  knife  and  eaten  with  a  fork.  If  fingers  were 
made  before  forks,  so  were  wooden  trenchers  before 
the  nK»dern  dinner  service.  Yet  it  would  rather 
startle  these  advocates  of  priority  to  be  invited  to 
a  dinner-party  where  the  dining-table  was  set  with 
a  wooden  trencher  in  the  centre,  into  which  all  the 
guests  were  expected  to  dip  with  their  finders. 


DINNEB-PABTIES  AND  BALLS.  101 

Bread  should  be  broken,  not  bitten.  This  is,  of 
course,  taken  with  the  fingers. 

Be  careful  to  remove  the  bones  from  fish  before 
eating  it.  If  a  bone  gets  inadvertently  into  the 
mouth,  the  lips  must  be  covered  with  the  napkin  in 
removing  it. 

Cherry-stones  should  be  removed  from  the  mouth 
as  unobtrusively  as  possible  and  deposited  on  the  side 
of  the  plate,  A  good  way  is  to  watch  how  others  are 
doing  and  follow  their  example.  A  better  way  still 
is  for  the  hostess  to  have  her  cherries  stoned  before 
they  are  made  into  pies  and  puddings,  and  thus  save 
her  guests  this  dilemma. 

If  it  is  an  informal  dinner,  and  the  guests  pass  the 
dishes  to  one  another  instead  of  waiting  to  be  helped 
by  a  servant,  you  should  alvvays  help  yourself  from 
the  dish,  if  you  desire  to  do  so  at  all,  before  passing 
it  on  to  the  next. 

A  guest  should  never  find  fault  with  the  dinner 
or  with  any  part  of  it. 

When  you  are  helped,  begin  to  eat  without  wait- 
ing for  others  to  be  served. 

A  knife  should  never,  on  any  account,  be  put  into 
the  mouth.  Many  even  well-bred  people  in  other 
particulars  think  this  an  unnecessary  regulation; 
but  when  we  consider  that  it  is  a  rule  of  etiquette, 
and  that  its  violation  causes  surprise  and  disgust  to 
many  people,  it  is  wisest  to  observe  it; 

As  an  illustration  of  this  point,  I  will  quote  from 
a  letter  from  the  late  Wm.  M.  Thackeray,  addressed 


102  DINNEB-PABTIES  AND  BALLS. 

to  a  gentleman  in  Philadelphia:  "The  European 
continent  swarms  with  your  people.  They  are  not 
all  as  polished  as  Chesterfield.  I  wish  some  of  them 
spoke  French  a  little  better.  I  saw  five  of  them  at 
supper  at  Basle  the  other  night  with  their  knives 
down  their  throats.  It  was  awful!  My  daughter 
saw  it,  and  1  was  obliged  to  say,  'My  dear,  your  great- 
great  grandmother,  one  of  the  finest  ladies  of  the 
old  school  I  ever  saw,  always  applied  cold  steel  to  her 
wittles.  It's  no  crime  to  eat  with  a  knife,'  which  is 
all  very  well;  but  I  wish  five  of  'em  at  a  time 
wouldn't." 

Watching  how  Others  do. 

Speaking  of  watching  how  others  are  doing,  and 
following  their  example,  reminds  us  of  an  anecdote 
told  us  not  long  since  by  the  lady  who  played  the 
principal  part  in  it. 

She  was  visiting  at  the  house  of  a  friend,  and  one 
day  there  was  upon  the  dinner-table  some  sweet  corn 
cooked  on  the  ear.  Not  knowing  exactly  how  to 
manage  it  so  as  not  to  give  offense,  she  concluded  to 
observe  how  the  others  did.  Presently  two  of  the 
members  of  the  family  took  up  their  ears  of  corn  in 
their  fingers  and  ate  the  grain  directly  from  the  cob. 
So  Miss  Mary  thought  she  might  venture  to  eat  hers 
in  the  same  manner.  Scarcely  had  she  begun,  how- 
ever, when  her  hostess  turned  to  her  little  boy  and 
said,  "I  am  going  to  let  you  eat  your  corn  just  like 
a  little  pig  to-day." 


DINNER-PARTIES  AND  BALLS.  103 

"How  is  that,  mamma?"  questioned  the  boy. 

"Look  at  Miss  Mary,"  was  the  reply.  "I  am 
going  to  let  you  eat  it  just  as  Miss  Mary  is  eating 
hers." 

The  mixed  state  of  Miss  Mary's  feelings  can  be 
better  imagined  than  described. 

Never  use  a  napkin  in  the  place  of  a  handkerchief 
by  wiping  the  forehead  or  blowing  the  nose  with 
it. 

Do  not  scrape  your  plate  or  tilt  it  to  get  the  last 
drop  of  anything  it  may  contain,  or  wipe  it  out  with 
a  piece  of  bread. 

Pastry  should  be  eaten  with  a  fork.  Everything 
that  can  be  cut  without  a  knife,  should  be  cut  with  a 
fork  alone. 

Eat  slowly. 

Pudding  may  be-  eaten  with  a  fork  or  spoon.  Ice 
requires  a  spoon. 

Cheese  must  be  eaten  with  a  fork. 

Talk  in  a  low  tone  to  your  next  neighbor,  but  not 
in  so  low  a  tone  but  that  your  remarks  may  become 
general.     Never  speak  with  the  mouth  full. 

Never  lay  your  hand  or  play  with  your  fingers 
upon  the  table.  Neither  toy  with  your  knife,  fork 
or  spoon,  make  pills  of  your  bread  nor  draw  imag- 
inary lines  upon  the  table-cloth. 

Never  bite  fruit.  An  apple,  pear  or  peach  should 
be  peeled  with  a  silver  knife,  and  all  fruit  should  be 
broken  or  cut. 


104  DINNER-PARTIES  AND  BALLS. 

Urging  Guests  to  Eat. 

A  mistress  of  a  house  ought  never  to  appear  to 
pride  herself  regarding  what  is  on  her  table,  nor 
confuse  herself  with  apologies  for  the  bad  cheer 
which  she  offers  you;  it  is  much  better  for  her  to  ob- 
serve silence  in  this  respect,  and  leave  it  to  her 
guests  to  pronounce  eulogiums  on  the  dinner;  nei- 
ther is  it  in  good  taste  to  urge  guests  to  eat  nor  to 
load  their  plate  against  their  inclination. 

Waiting  on  Others. 
If  a  gentleman  is  seated  by  the  side  of  a  lady  or 
elderly  person,  politeness  requires  him  to  save  them 
all  trouble  of  pouring  out  for  themselves  to  drink, 
of  procuring  anything  to  eat,  and  of  obtaining  what- 
ever they  are  in  want  of  at  the  table  and  he  should 
be  eager  to  offer  them  what  h6  thinks  to  be  most  to 
their  taste. 

Monopolizing  Conversatiou. 

It  would  be  impolite  to  monopolize  a  conversation 
which  ought  to  be  general.  If  the  company  is  large 
we  should  converse  with  our  neighbors,  raising  the 
voice  only  loud  enough  to  make  ourselves  heard. 

Signal  for  Leaving  the  Table. 

It  is  for  the  mistress  of  the  house  to  give  the  sig- 
nal to  leave  the  table;  all  the  guests  then  rise,  and, 
offering  their  arms  to  the  ladies,  wait  upon  them  to 
the  door. 


DmNER-PABTIES  AND  BALLS.  105 

You  should  not  leave  the  table  before  the  end  of 
tho  entertainment,  unless  from  urgent  necessity. 

We  are  glad  to  say  that  the  English  habit  of  gen- 
tlemen remaining  at  the  table,  after  the  ladies  have 
retired,  to  indulge  in  wine,  coarse  conversation  and 
obscene  jokes,  has  never  been  received  into  popular 
favor  in  this  country.  The  very  words  "after-dinner 
jokes"  suggest  something  indecent.  We  take  our 
manners  from  Paris  instead  of  London,  and  ladies 
and  gentlemen  retire  together  from  the  dining-table 
instead  of  the  one  sex  remaining  to  pander  to  their 
baser  appetites,  and  the  other  departing  with  all  their 
delicate  sentiments  in  a  state  of  outrage  if  they  pause 
to  think  of  the  cause  of  their  dismissal. 

After  retiring  to  the  drawing-room  the  guests 
should  intermingle  in  a  social  manner,  and  the  time 
until  the  hour  of  taking  leave  may  be  spent  either 
in  conversation  or  in  various  entertaining  games.  It 
is  expected  the  guests  will  remain  two  or  three  hours 
after  the  dinner. 

Dancing. 

Lord  Chesterfield,  in  his  letters  to  his  son,  says : 
"Dancing  is,  in  itself,  a  very  trifling  and  silly  thing: 
but  it  is  one  of  those  established  follies  to  which 
people  of  sense  are  sometimes  obliged  to  conform; 
and  then  they  should  be  able  to  do  it  well.  And 
though  I  would  not  have  you  a  dancer,  yet,  when 
you  do  dance,  I  would  have  you  dance  well,  as  I 
would  have  you  do  everything  you  do  well."    In 


106  DINNER-PARTIES  AND  BALLS. 

another  letter,  he  writes:  "Do  you  mind  your  danc- 
ing while  your  dancing  master  is  with  you  ?  As  you 
will  be  often  under  the  necessity  of  dancing  a  minuet, 
I  would  have  you  dance  it  very  well.  Remember 
that  the  graceful  motion  of  the  arms,  the  giving  of 
your  hand,  and  the  putting  off  and  putting  on  of 
your  hat  genteelly,  are  the  material  parts  of  a  gentle- 
man's dancing.  But  the  greatest  advantage  of  danc- 
ing well  is,  that  it  necessarily  teaches  you  to  present 
yourself,  to  sit,  stand,  and  walk  genteelly;  all  of 
which  are  of  real  importance  to  a  man  of  fashion." 

Giving  a  Ball. 

If  you  cannot  afford  to  give  a  ball  in  good  style, 
you  had  better  not  attempt  it  at  all. 

Having  made  up  your  mind  to  give  a  ball  and  to 
do  justice  to  the  occasion,  and  having  settled  upon 
the  time,  the  next  thing  is  to  decide  whom  and  how 
many  to  invite.  In  deciding  upon  the  number  a  due 
regard  must  be  paid  to  the  size  of  the  rooms;  and 
after  making  allowance  for  a  reasonable  number  who 
may  not  accept  the  invitation,  there  should  be  no 
more  invited  than  can  find  comfortable  accommoda- 
tions, both  sitting  and  standing-room  being  taken 
into  account,  and  at  the  same  time  have  the  floor 
properly  free  for  dancing.  The  more  guests  you 
have  the  more  brilliant,  and  the  fewer  you  have  the 
more  enjoyable,  will  the  occasion  be. 

Any  number  over  a  hundred  guests  constitutes  a 
,'large  ball:"  under  fifty  it  is  merely  a  "dance." 


DINNER-PARTIES  AND  BALLS.  107 

Choice  of  Guests. 

As  dancing  is  the  amusement  of  the  evening,  due 
regard  should  be  paid  to  the  dancing  qualifications 
of  the  proposed  guests. 

Issuing  Invitations. 

The  invitations  issued  and  accepted  for  an  even- 
ing party  will  be  written  in  the  same  style  as  those 
already  desciibed  for  a  dinner-party.  They  should 
be  sent  out  at  least  from  seven  to  ten  days  before  the 
day  fixed  for  the  event,  and  should  be  replied  to  within 
a  week  of  their  receipt,  accepting  or  declining  with 
regrets.  By  attending  to  these  courtesies,  the  guests 
will  have  time  to  consider  their  engagements  and 
prepare  their  dresses,  and  the  hostess  will  also  know 
what  will  be  the  number  of  her  party. 

I*REJUDICES  AGAINST   DaNCING. 

One  should  be  scrupulous  and  not  wound  the  prej- 
udices of  a  friend  by  sending  her  an  invitation  to  a 
ball  when  it  is  well  known  she  is  conscientiously 
opposed  to  dancing. 

Notes  of  Interrogation. 

No  one  now  sends  a  note  of  interrogation  to  a 
dance;  cards  are  universally  employed.  The  form 
of  an  invitation  to  a  tea-party  differs  from  that  to  a 
dance,  in  respect  that  the  one  specifies  that  you  are 
invited  to  tea,  the  other  does  not,  but  merely  requests 


108  DINNEB-PAETIES  AND  BALLS. 

the  pleasure  of  your  company  on  such  an  evening,  and 
perhaps  names  the  hour. 

Variety  op  Toilet. 

Vary  your  toilet  as  much  as  possible,  for  fear  that 
idlers  and  malignant  wits,  who  are  always  a  ma- 
jority in  the  world,  should  amuse  themselves  by 
making  your  dress  the  description  of  your  person. 

Choice  of  Attire. 

Certain  fashionables  seek  to  gain  a  kind  of  reputa- 
tion by  the  odd  choice  of  their  attire,  and  by  their 
eagerness  to  seize  upon  the  first  caprices  of  the  fash- 
ions. Propriety  with  difficulty  tolerates  these  fancies 
of  a  spoiled  child ;  but  it  applauds  a  woman  of  sense 
and  taste,  who  is  not  in  a  hurry  to  follow  the  fash- 
ions, and  asks  how  long  they  will  last,  before  adopt- 
ing them ;  finally,  who  selects  and  modifies  them 
with  success  according  to  her  size  and  figure. 

Evening  Party. 

If  it  is  to  be  a  simple  evening  party,  in  which  we 
may  wear  a  summer  walking-dress,  the  mistress  of 
the  house  gives  verbal  invitations,  and  docs  not 
omit  to  apprise  her  friends  of  this  circumstance,  or 
they  might  appear  in  unsuitable  dresses.  If,  on  the 
contrary  the  soiree  is  to  be  in  reality  a  ball,  the  in- 
vitations are  written,  or  what  is  better,  printed  and 
expressed  in  the  third  person. 


DINNEB-PABTIES  AND  BALLS.  109 

The  Cloak  Room. 

A  room  appropriate  for  the  purpose,  and  furnish- 
ed with  cloak-pins  to  hang  up  the  shawls  and  other 
dresses  of  the  ladies,  is  almost  indispensable.  Do. 
mestics  should  be  there  also,  to  aid  them  in  taking 
off  and  putting  on  their  outside  garments. 

When  to  Arrive. 

"We  are  not  obliged  to  go  exactly  at  the  appointed 
.lOur;  it  is  even  fashionable  to  go  an  hour  later. 
Married  ladies  are  accompanied  by  their  husbands : 
unmarried  ones,  by  their  mother,  or  by  an  escort. 

Refusing  to  Dance. 

A  lady  cannot  refuse  the  invitation  of  a  gentleman 
to  dance,  unless  she  has  already  accepted  that  of 
another,  for  she  would  be  guilty  of  an  incivility 
which  might  occasion  trouble;  she  would,]  more- 
over, seem  to  show  contempt  for  him  whom  she 
refused,  and  would  expose  herself  to  receive  in  secret 
an  ill  compliment  from  the  mistress  of  the  house. 

Giving  a  Reason  for  not  Dancing. 

When  a  young  lady  declines  dancing  with  a  gentle- 
man, it  is  her  duty  to  give  him  a  reason  why,  al- 
though some  thoughtless  ones  do  not.  No  matter 
how  frivolous  it  may  be,  it  is  simply  an  act  of  cour- 
tesy to  offer  him  an  excuse;  while,  on  the  other 
hand,  no  gentleman  ought  so  far  to  compromise  his 


110  DINNEB-P ARTIES  AND  BALLS. 

self-respect  as  to  take  the  slightest  offense  at  seeing  a 
lady  by  whom  he  has  just  been  refused,  dance  im- 
mediately after  with  some  one  else. 

How  TO  Ask  a  Lady  to  Dance. 

/In  inviting  a  lady  to  dance  with  you,  the  words, 
"Will  you  honor  me  with  your  hand  for  a  quadrille?  " 
or,  "Shall  I  have  the  honor  of  dancing  this  set  with 
you?"  are  more  used  now  than  "Shall  I  have  the 
pleasure?"  or,  "Will  you  give  me  the  pleasure  of 
dancing  with  you. 

Leaving  a  Ball  Room. 

Married  or  young  ladies,  cannot  leave  a  ball-room, 
or  any  other  party,  alone.  The  former  should  be 
accompanied  by  one  or  two  other  married  ladies,  and 
the  latter  by  their  mother,  or  by  a  lady  to  represent 
her. 

Talking  too  Much. 

Ladies  should  avoid  talking  too  much;  it  will  oc- 
casion remarks.  It  has  also  a  bad  appearance  to 
whisper  continually  in  the  ear  of  your  partner. 

Wall  Flowers. 

The  master  of  the  house  should  see  that  all  the 
ladies  dance;  he  should  take  notice,  particularly  of 
those  who  seem  to  serve  as  drapery  to  the  walls  of 
the  ball-room,  (or  wall-flowers,  as  the  familiar  expres- 
sion is,)  and  should  see  that  they  are  invited  to  dance. 


BINNEBrPABTIES  AND  BALLS.  Ill 

But  he  must  do  this  wholly  unperceived,  in  order 
not  to  wound  the  self-esteem  of  the  unfortunate  la- 
dies. 

Duties  of  (jentlemen. 

Gentlemen  whom  the  master  of  the  house  requests 
to  dance  with  these  ladies,  should  be  ready  to  accede 
to  his  wish,  and  even  appear  pleased  at  dancing  with 
a  person  thus  recommended  to  their  notice. 

Duties  op  Ladies. 

l^adies  who  dance  much,  should  be  very  careful 
not  to  boast  before  those  who  dance  but  little  or  not 
at  all,  of  the  great  number  of  dances  for  which  they 
are  engaged  in  advance.  They  should  also,  without 
being  perceived,  recommend  to  these  less  fortunate 
ladies,  gentlemen  of  their  acquaintance. 

,  While  Dancing. 

In  giving  the  hand  for  ladies  chain  or  any  other 
figures,  those  dancing  should  wear  a  smile,  and  ac- 
company it  with  a  polite  inclination  of  the  head,  in 
the  manner  of  a  salutation.  At  the  end  of  the  dance, 
the  gentleman  reconducts  the  lady  to  her  place,  bows 
and  thanks  her  for  the  honor  which  she  has  confer- 
red. She  also  bows  in  silence,  smiling  with  a  gra- 
cious air. 

Reserve  and  Politeness. 
In  these  assemblies,  we  should  conduct  ourselves 


112  DINNER-PARTIES  AND  BALLS, 

with  reserve  and  politeness  towards  all  present,  al- 
though they  may  be  unknown  to  us. 

When  not  to  Dance. 

Never  hazard  taking  part  in  a  quadrille,  unless 
you  know  how  to  dance  tolerably;  for  if  you  are  a 
novice,  or  but  little  skilled,  you  would  bring  disor- 
der into  the  midst  of  pleasure.  Being  once  engaged 
to  take  part  in  a  dance,  if  the  figures  are  not  famil- 
iar, be  careful  not  to  advance  first.  You  can  in  this 
way  govern  your  steps  by  those  who  go  before  you. 
Beware,  also,  of  taking  your  place  in  a  set  of  dan- 
cers more  skillful  than  yourself.  When  an  unprac- 
ticed  dancer  makes  a  mistake,  we  may  apprize  him 
of  his  error;  but  it  would  be  very  impolite  to  have 
the  air  of  giving  him  a  lesson. 

Grace  and  Modesty. 

Dance  with  grace  and  modesty,  neither  affect  to 
make  a  parade  of  your  knowledge;  refrain  from 
great  leaps  and  ridiculous  jumps,  which  would  at- 
tract the  attention  of  all  towards  you. 

Private  Party. 

In  a  private  ball  or  party,  it  is  proper  for  a  lady 
to  show  still  more  reserve,  and  not  manifest  more 
preference  for  one  gentleman  than  another;  she  should 
dance  with  all  who  ask  properly. 


DINNEB-PABTIES  AND  BALL8.  113 

Public  Balls. 

In  public  balls,  a  gentleman  offers  his  partner  re- 
freshments, but  which  she  very  seldom  accepts,  un- 
less she  is  well  acquainted  with  him.  But  in  pri- 
vate parties,  the  persons  who  receive  the  company, 
send  round  cake  and  other  refreshments,  of  which 
every  one  helps  themselves.  Near  the  end  of  the 
evening,  in  a  well  regulated  ball,  it  is  customary  to 
have  a  supper;  but  in  a  soiree,  without  great  prep- 
aration, we  may  dispense  with  a  supper;  refresh- 
ments are,  however,  necessary,  and  not  to  have  them 
would  be  the  greatest  impoliteness. 

Visit  of  Thanks. 

We  should  retire  incognito,  in  order  not  to  disturb 
the  master  and  mistress  of  the  house;  and  we  should 
make  them,  during  the  week,  a  visit  of  thanks,  at 
which  we  may  converse  of  the  pleasure  of  the  ball 
and  the  good  selection  of  the  company. 

Deportment  in  Public  Places. 

The  proprieties  in  deportment,  which  concerts  re- 
quire, are  little  different  from  those  which  are  re- 
cognized in  every  other  assembly,  or  in  public  exhi- 
bitions, for  concerts  partake  of  the  one  and  the  oth- 
er, according  as  they  are  public  or  private.  In  pri- 
vate concerts,  the  ladies  occupy  the  front  seats,  and 
the  gentlemen  are  generally  in  groups  behind,  or  at 
the  side  of  them.     We  should  observe  the  most  pro- 


1j4  DINNEB-PARTIES  AND  BALLS. 

found  silence,  and  refrain  from  beating  time,  hum- 
ming the  airs,  applauding,  or  making  ridiculous 
gestures  of  admiration.  It  often  happens  that  a 
dancing  soiree  succeeds  a  concert,  and  billets  of  in- 
vitation, distributed  two  or  three  days  before  hand 
should  give  notice  of  it  to  the  persons  invited. 

General  Rules  for  a  Ball-room. 

A.  lady  will  not  cross  a  ball-room  unattended. 

A  gentleman  will  not  take  a  vacant  seat  next  a 
lady  who  is  a  stranger  to  him.  If  she  is  an  acquaint- 
ance, he  may  do  so  with  her  permission. 

White  kid  gloves  should  be  worn  at  a  ball,  and 
only  be  taken  off  at  supper-time. 

In  dancing  quadrilles  do  not  make  any  attempt  to 
take  steps.     A  quiet  walk  is  all  that  is  required. 

When  a  gentleman  escorts  a  lady  home  from  a 
ball,  she  should  not  invite  him  to  enter  the  house; 
and  even  if  she  does  so,  he  should  by  all  means  de- 
cline the  invitation.  He  should  call  upon  her  during 
the  next  day  or  evening. 

As  the  guests  enter  the  room,  it  is  not  necessary 
for  the  lady  of  the  house  to  advance  each  time  to- 
ward the  door,  but  merely  to  rise  from  her  seat  to 
receive  their  courtesies  and  congratulations.  If,  in- 
deed, the  hostess  wishes  to  show  particular  favor  to 
some  peculiarly  honored  guests,  she  may  introduce 
them  to  others,  whose  acquaintance  she  may  imag- 
ine will  be  especially  suitable  and  agreeable. 

When  entering  a  private  ball  or  party,  the  visitor 


DINNEB-PAjRTIES  and  balls.  115 

should  invariably  bow  to  the  company.  No  well- 
bred  person  would  omit  this  courtesy  in  entering  a 
drawing-room;  although  the  entrance  to  a  large  as 
sembly  may  be  unnoticed. 

Any  presentation  to  a  lady  in  a  public  ball-room, 
for  the  mere  purpose  of  dancing,  does  not  entitle 
you  to  claim  her  acquaintance  afterwards;  there- 
fore, should  you  meet  her,  at  most  you  may  lift  your 
hat;  but  even  that  is  better  avoided — unless,  indeed, 
she  first  bow — as  neither  she  nor  her  frieiids  can 
know  who  or  what  you  are. 

Never  wait  until  the  signal  is  given  to  take  a  part- 
ner, for  nothing  is  more  impolite  than  to  invite  a  la- 
dy hastily,  and  when  the  dancers  are  already  in 
their  places;  it  can  be  allowed  only  when  the  set  is 
incomplete. 

In  private  parties,  a  lady  is  not  to  refuse  the  invi- 
tation of  a  gentleman  to  dance,  unless  she  be  pre- 
viously engaged.  The  hostess  must  be  supposed  to 
have  asked  to  her  house  only  those  persons  whom 
she  knows  to  be  perfectly  respectable  and  of  unblem- 
ished character,  as  well  as  pretty  equal  in  position; 
and  thus,  to  decline  the  offer  of  any  gentleman  pres- 
ent, would  be  a  tacit  reflection  on  the  gentleman  or 
lady  of  the  house. 

Conclusion. 
There  is  a  custom  which  is  sometimes  practiced 
both  in  the  assembly  room  and  at  private  parties, 
which  cannot  be  too  strongly  reprehended ;  we  allude 


116  DINNEB-PABTIES  AND  BALLS. 

to  the  habit  of  ridicule  and  ungenerous  criticism  of 
those  who  are  ungraceful  or  otherwise  obnoxious  to 
censure,  which  is  indulged  in  by  the  thoughtless, 
particularly  among  the  dancers.  Of  its  gross  im- 
propriety and  vulgarity  we  need  hardly  express  an 
opinion;  but  there  is  such  an  utter  disregard  for  the 
feelings  of  others  implied  in  this  kind  of  negative 
censorship,  that  we  cannot  forbear  to  warn  our  young 
readers  to  avoid  it.  The  "Koran"  says:  "Do  not 
mock — the  mocked  may  be  better  than  the  mocker." 
Those  you  condemn  may  not  have  had  the  same  ad- 
vantages as  yourself  in  acquiring  grace  or  dignity, 
while  they  may  be  infinitely  superior  in  purity  of 
heart  and  mental  accomplishments.  The  advice  of 
Chesterfield  to  his  son,  in  his  commerce  with  society, 
to  do  as  you  would  be  done  by,  is  founded  on  the 
Christian  precept,  and  worthy  of  commendation. 
Imagine  yourself  the  victim  of  another's  ridicule, 
and  you  will  cease  to  indulge  in  a  pastime  which  on- 
ly gains  for  you  the  hatred  of  those  you  satirize,  if 
they  chance  to  observe  you,  and  the  contempt  of 
others  who  have  noticed  your  violation  of  politeness, 
and  abuse  of  true  sociality. 


CHAPTER  IX. 
STREET  ETIQ  UETTE. 

IN  England  a  gentleman  is  not  expected  to  speak 
to  a  lady  on  the  street  or  recognize  her,  unless 
she  first  salutes  him  with  a  smile  or  bow.  But  on 
the  continent  of  Europe  the  rule  is  reversed,  and  no 
lady,  however  intimate  you  may  be  with  her,  will 
acknowledge  you  in  the  street  unless  you  first  honor 
her  with  a  bow  of  recognition.  The  American  fash- 
ion is  not  like  either  of  them.  For  here  the  really 
well-bred  man  always  politely  and  respectfully  bows 
to  every  lady  he  knows,  and,  if  she  is  a  well-bred 
woman,  she  acknowledges  the  respect  paid  her.  If 
she  expects  no  further  acquaintance,  her  bow  is  a 
mere  formal,  but  always  respectful,  recognition  of  the 
good  manners  which  have  been  shown  her,  and  no 
gentleman  ever  takes  advantage  of  such  politeness 
to  push  a  further  acquaintance  uninvited.  But  why 
should  a  lady  and  gentleman,  who  know  who  each 
other  are,  scornfully  and  doggedly  pass  each  other 
in  the  streets  as  though  they  were  enemies?  There 
is  no  good  reason  for  such  impoliteness,  in  the  prac- 


118  8TBEET  ETIQ,  VETTE. 

tice  of  politeness.  As  compared  with  the  English, 
the  French  or  continental  fashion  is  certainly  more 
consonant  with  the  rules  of  good  breeding.  But  the 
American  rule  is  better  than  either,  for  it  is  based 
upon  the  acknowledged  general  principle,  that  it  is 
every  gentleman's  and  lady's  duty  to  be  polite  in  all 
places.  Unless  parties  have  done  something  to  for- 
feit the  respect  dictated  by  the  common  rules  of  po- 
liteness, there  should  be  no  deviation  from  this  prac- 
tice. It  is  a  ridiculous  idea  that  we  are  to  practice 
ill-manners  in  the  name  of  etiquette. 

RECOGniziNG  Friends  on  the  Street. 

While  walking  the  street  no  one  should  be  so  ab- 
sent-minded as  to  neglect  to  recognize  his  friends.  If 
you  do  not  stop,  you  should  always  bow,  touch  your 
hat,  or  bid  your  friend  good  day.  If  you  stop,  you 
can  offer  your  hand  without  removing  your  glove. 
If  you  stop  to  talk,  retire  on  one  side  of  the  walk. 
If  your  friend  has  a  stranger  with  him  and  you  have 
anything  to  say,  you  should  apologize  to  the  stran- 
ger. Never  leave  your  friend  abruptly  to  see  anoth- 
er person  without  asking  him  to  excuse  your  depart- 
ure. If  you  meet  a  gentleman  of  your  acquaintance 
walking  with  a  lady  whom  you  do  not  know,  lift 
your  hat  as  you  salute  them.  If  you  know  the  lady 
you  should  salute  her  first. 

Never  fail  to  raise  your  hat  politely  to  a  lady  ac- 
quaintance; nor  to  a  male  friend  who  may  be  walk- 
ing with  a  lady — it  is  a  courtesy  to  the  lady. 


8TBEET  ETIQUETTE.  119 

Omitting  to  Recognize  Acquaintances. 

A  gentleman  should  never  omit  a  punctilious  ob- 
servance of  the  rules  of  politeness  to  his  recognized 
acquaintances,  from  an  apprehension  that  he  will 
not  be  met  with  reciprocal  marks  of  respect.  For 
instance,  he  should  not  refuse  to  raise  his  hat  to  an 
acquaintance  who  is  accompanied  by  a  lady,  lest  her 
escort  should,  from  ignorance  or  stolidity,  return  his 
polite  salutation  with  a  nod  of  the  head.  It  is  bet- 
ter not  to  see  him,  than  to  set  the  example  of  a  rude 
and  indecorous  salutation.  In  all  such  cases,  and 
in  all  cases,  he  who  is  most  courteous  has  the  advan- 
tage, and  should  never  feel  that  he  has  made  a  hu- 
miliating sacrifice  of  his  personal  dignity.  It  is  for 
the  party  whose  behavior  has  been  boorish  to  have 
a  consciousness  of  inferiority. 

Shaking  Hands  with  a  Lady. 

Never  offer  to  shake  hands  with  a  lady  in  the 
street  if  you  have  on  dark  gloves,  as  you  may  soil 
her  white  ones.  If  you  meet  a  lady  friend  with 
whom  you  wish  to  converse,  you  must  not  stop,  but 
turn  and  walk  along  with  her;  and  should  she  be 
walking  with  a  gentleman,  first  assure  yourself  that 
you  are  not  intruding  before  you  attempt  to  join  the 
two  in  their  walk. 

Young  Ladies  Conduct  on  the  Stkeet. 

After  twilight,  a  young  lady  would  not  be  conduct-  ' 
ing  herself  in  a  becoming  manner,  by  walking  alone;  / 


120  STREET  ETIQ  UETTE. 

and  if  she  passes  the  evening  with  any  one,  she 
ought,  heforehand,  to  provide  some  one  to  come  for 
her  at  a  stated  hour;  but  if  this  is  not  practicable, 
she  should  politely  ask  of  the  person  whom  she  is  vis- 
iting, to  permit  a  servant  to  accompany  her.  But, 
however  much  this  may  be  considered  proper,  and 
consequently  an  obligation,  a  married  lady,  well  ed- 
ucated, will  disregard  it  if  circumstances  prevent 
her  being  able,  without  trouble,  to  find  a  conduc- 
tor. 

Accompanying  Visitors. 

If  the  host  wishes  to  accompany  you  himself,  you 
must  excuse  yourself  politely  for  giving  him  so  much 
trouble  but  finish,  however,  by  accepting.  On  arriv- 
ing at  your  house,  you  should  offer  him  your  thanks. 
In  order  to  avoid  these  two  inconveniences,  it  will 
be  well  to  request  your  husband,  or  some  one  of  your 
relatives,  to  come  and  wait  upon  you;  you  will,  in 
this  way,  avoid  all  inconveniences,  and  be  entirely 
free  from  that  harsh  criticism  which  is  sometimes 
indulged  in,  especially  in  small  towns,  concerning 
even  the  most  innocent  acts. 

Fulfilling  an  Engagement. 

If,  when  on  your  way  to  fulfill  an  engagement,  a 
friend  stops  you  in  the  street,  you  may,  without 
committing  any  breach  of  etiquette,  tell  him  of  your 
appointment,  and  release  yourself  from  a  long  talk, 


STBEET  ETIQ  VETTE.  121 

but  do  so  in  a  courteous  manner,  expressing  regret 
for  the  necessity. 

Conduct  while  Shopping. 

In  inquiring  for  goods  at  a  store,  do  not  say,  I 
want  so  and  so,  but  say  to  the  clerk — show  me  such 
or  such  an  article,  if  you  please — or  use  some  other 
polite  form  of  address.  If  you  are  obliged  to  exam- 
ine a  number  of  articles  before  you  are  suited,  apol- 
ogize to  him  for  the  trouble  yj)u  give  him.  If,  after 
all,  you  cannot  suit  yourself,  renew  your  apologies 
when  you  go  away,  If  you  make  only  small  pur- 
chases, say  to  him — I  am  sorry  for  having  troubled 
you  for  so  trifling  a  thing. 

Taking  off  Your  Glove. 

You  need  not  stop  to  pull  off  your  glove  to  shake 
hands  with  a  lady  or  gentleman.  If  it  is  warm 
weather  it  is  more  agreeable  to  both  parties  that  the 
glove  should  be  on — especially  if  it  is  a  lady  with 
whom  you  shake  hands,  as  the  perspiration  of  your 
bare  hand  would  be  very  likely  to  soil  her  glove. 

Asking  Information. 

If  a  lady  addresses  an  inquiry  to  a  gentleman  on 
the  street,  he  will  lift  his  hat,  or  at  least  touch  it  re- 
spectfully, as  he  replies.  If  he  cannot  give  the  in- 
formation required,  he  will  express  his  regrets. 


122  STREET  ETIQUETTE. 

Crossing  a  Muddy  Street. 
When  tripping  over  the  pavement,  a  lady  should 
gracefully  raise  her  dress  a  little  above  her  ankle. 
With  her  right  hand  she  should  hold  together  the 
folds  of  her  gown  and  draw  them  toward  the  right 
side.  To  raise  the  dress  on  both  sides,  and  with  both 
hands,  is  vulgar.  This  ungraceful  practice  can  be 
tolerated  only  for  a  moment  when  the  mud  is  very 
deep. 

Expensive  Dresses  in  the  Street. 

Most  American  ladies  in  our  cities  wear  too  rich 
and  expensive  dresses  in  the  street.  Some,  indeed, 
will  sweep  the  side-walks  with  costly  stuffs  only  fit 
for  a  drawing-room  or  a  carriage.  This  is  in  bad 
taste,  and  is  what  ill-natured  people  would  term  snob- 
bish. 

Carriage  of  a  Lady  in  Public. 

A  lady  walks  quietly  through  the  streets,  seeing 
and  hearing  nothing  that  she  ought  not  to  see  and 
hear,  recognizing  acquaintances  with  a  courteous 
bow  and  friends  with  words  of  greeting.  She  is  al- 
ways unobtrusive.  She  never  talks  loudly  or  laughs 
boisterously,  or  does  anything  to  attract  the  atten- 
tion of  the  passers  by.  She  simply  goes  about  her 
business  in  her  own  quiet,  lady-like  way,  and  by  her 
preoccupation  is  secure  from  all  the  annoyance  to 
which  a  person  of  less  perfect  breeding  might  bo 
subjected. 


8TREET  ETIQUETTE.  123 

Forming  Acquaintances  in  Public.  ^ 

A  lady,  be  she  young  or  old,  nefver  forms  an  ac- 
quaintance upon  the  streets  or  seeks  to  attract  the 
attention  or  admiration  of  persons  of  the  other  sex. 
To  do  SQ  would  render  false  her  claims  to  ladyhood, 
if  it  did  not  make  her  liable  to  far  graver   charges. 

Demanding  Attentions. 

A  lady  never  demands  attentions  and  favors  from 
a  gentleman,  but  alwaj^s  accepts  them  gratefully  and 
graciously  and  with  expressed  thanks. 

Meeting  a  Lady  Acquaintance. 
A  gentleman  meeting  a  lady  acquaintance  on  the 
street,  should  not  presume  to  join  her  in  her  walk 
without  ascertaining  that  his  company  would  be  en- 
tirely agreeable.  It  might  be  otherwise,  and  she 
should  frankly  say  so.  A  married  lady  usually  leans 
upon  the  arm  of  her  husband;  but  single  ladies  do 
not,  in  the  day,  take  the  arm  of  a  gentleman,  unless 
they  are  willing  to  acknowledge  an  engagement. 
Gentlemen  always  give  place  to  ladies,  and  gentle- 
men accompanying  ladies,  in  crossing  the  street. 

Stopping  a  Lady  on  the  Street. 

If  you  have  anything  to  say  to  a  lady  whom  you 
may  happen  to  meet  in  the  street,  however  intimate 
you  may  be,  do  not  stop  her,  but  turn  round  and 
walk  in  company;  you  can  tak 3  leave  at  the  end  of 
the  street. 


124  STREET  ETIQ  UETTE. 

Passing  Acquaintances. 

When  you  are  passing  in  the  street,  and  see  com- 
ing toward  you  a  person  of  your  acquaintance  wheth- 
er a  lady  or  an  elderly  person,  you  should  offer  them 
the  wall,  that  is  to  say,  the  side  next  the  houses.  If 
a  carriage  should  happen  to  stop  in  such  a  manner 
as  to  leave  only  a  narrow  passage  between  it  and  the 
houses,  beware  of  elbowing  and  rudely  crowding  the 
passengers,  with  a  view  to  get  by  more  expeditious- 
ly; wait  your  turn,  and  if  any  of  the  persons  before 
mentioned  come  up,  you  should  edge  up  to  the  wall 
in  order  to  give  them  the  place.  They  also,  as  they 
pass,  should  bow  politely  to  you. 

Crowding  Before  Another. 

If  stormy  weather  has  made  it  necessary  to  lay  a 
plank  across  the  gutters,  which  has  become  suddenly 
filled  with  water,  it  is  not  proper  to  crowd  before 
another,  in  order  to  pass  over  the  frail  bridge. 

Giving  the  Arm. 

In  walking  with  a  lady,  it  is  customary  to  give 
her  the  right  arm;  but  where  circumstances  render 
it  more  convenient  to  give  her  the  left,  it  may  prop- 
erly be  done.  If  you  are  walking  with  a  lady  on  a 
crowded  street,  like  State  or  Madison,  by  all  means 
give  her  the  outside,  as  that  will  prevent  her  from 
being  perpetually  jostled  and  run  against  by  the  hur- 
rying crowd. 


STREET  ETiq  UETTE.  125 

When  to  offer  Your  Arm. 

You  should  ofifer  your  arm  to  a  lady  with  whom 
you  are  walking  whenever  her  safety,  comfort,  or 
convenience  may  seem  to  require  such  attention  on 
your  part.  At  night  your  arm  should  always  be  ten- 
dered, and  also  when  ascending  the  steps  of  a  pub- 
lic building.  In  walking  with  any  person  you 
should  keep  step  with  military  precision,  and  with 
ladies  and  elderly  people  you  should  always  accom- 
modate your  speed  to  theirs. 

Returning  a  Salute. 

If  a  lady  with  whom  you  are  walking  receives  the 
salute  of  a  person  who  is  a  stranger  to  you,  you 
should  return  it,  not  for  yourself,  but  for  her. 

Passing  Before  a  Lady. 

When  a  lady  whom  you  accompany  wishes  to  en- 
ter a  store,  you  should  hold  the  door  open  and  al- 
low her  to  enter  first,  if  practicable;  for  you  must 
never  pass  before  a  lady  anywhere,  if  you  can  avoid 
it,  or  without  an  apology 

Corner  Loafers. 

No  gentleman  will  stand  in  the  doors  of  hotels, 
nor  on  the  corners  of  the  street,  gazing  impertinent 
ly  at  the  ladies  as  they  pass.  That  is  such  an  un- 
mistakable sign  of  a  loafer,  that  one  can  hardly  im- 
agine a  well-bred  man  doing  such  a  thing. 


126  STREET  ETIQ  UETTE. 

Shouting. 

Never  speak  to  your  acquaintances  from  one  side 
of  the  street  to  the  other.  Shouting  is  a  certain  sign 
of  vulgarity.  First  approach,  and  then  make  your 
communication  to  your  acquaintance  or  friend  in  a 
moderately  loud  tone  of  voice. 

Gentlemen  "Walking  with  a  Lady. 
When  two  gentlemen  are  walking  with  a  lady  in 
the  street,  they  should  not  be  both  upon  the  same 
side  of  her,  but  one  of  them  should  walk  upon  the 
outside  and  the  other  upon  the  inside. 

Crossing  the  Street  with  a  Lady. 

If  you  are  walking  with  a  woman  who  has  your 
arm,  and  you  cross  the  street,  it  is  better  not  to  dis- 
engage your  arm,  and  go  round  upon  the  outside. 
Such  effort  evinces  a  palpable  attention  to  form,  and 
that  is  always  to  be  avoided. 

General  Rules. 
A  lady  should  never  take  the  arms  of  two  men, 
one  being  upon  either  side;  nor  should  a  man  carry 
a  woman  upon  each  arm.  The  latter  of  these  in- 
iquities is  practiced  only  in  Ireland;  the  former 
perhaps  in  Kamtskatcha.  There  are,  to  be  sure, 
some  cases  in  which  it  is  necessary  for  the  protection 
of  the  women;  that  they  should  both  take  his  arm, 
as  in  coming  home  from  a  concert,  or  in  passing,  on 
any  occasion,  through  a  crowd. 


STREET  ETIQUETTE.  127 

Passing  Thkough  a  Crowd. 

In  walking  in  the  street  with  a  woman,  if  at  any 
place,  by  reason  of  the  crowd,  or  from  other  cause 
you  are  compelled  to  proceed  singly,  you  should  al- 
ways precede  your  companion. 

In  passing  a  lady  in  the  street,  who  is  accompan- 
ied by  a  gentleman  on  the  outside,  there  is  the  same 
reason  for  your  taking  the  inside  that  there  would 
be  for  you  to  walk  on  that  side  if  you  were  with 
them.  You  should  take  that  side,  then,  unless  you 
would  pay  the  gentleman,  if  he  were  alone,  the  com- 
pliment of  giving  him  the  wall. 

Saluting  a  Lady. 

.  When  you  salute  a  lady  or  a  gentleman  to  whom 
you  wish  to  show  particular  respect,  in  the  street,  you 
should  take  your  hat  entirely  off  and  cause  it  to  de- 
scribe a  circle  of  at  least  ninety  degrees  from  its  or- 
iginal resting  place. 

Ascending  a  Mountain. 

If  you  are  walking  with  a  woman  in  the  country, 
— ascending  a  mountain  or  strolling  by  the  bank  of 
a  river, — and  your  companion  being  fatigued,  should 
choose  to  sit  upon  the  ground,  on  no  acdount  allow 
yourself  to  do  the  same,  but  remain  rigorously  stand- 
ing. To  do  otherwise  would  be  flagrantly  indecorous 
and  she  would  probably  resent  it  as  the  greatest  in- 
sult. 


128  STREET  ETIQ  UETTE. 

In  mounting  a  pair  of  stairs  in  company  with  a 
woman,  run  up  before  her;  in  coming  down,  walk 
behind  her. 

Meeting  on  the  Stkeet. 

If,  in  walking,  you  meet  a  friend,  accompanied 
by  one  whom  you  do  not  know,  speak  to  both.  Al- 
so, if  you  are  walking  with  a  friend  who  speaks  to  a 
friend  whom  you  are  not  acquainted  with,  you  should 
speak  to  the  person ;  and  with  as  much  respect  and 
ease  as  if  you  knew  the  party.  If  you  meet  a  man 
whom  you  have  met  frequently  before,  who  knows 
your  name,  and  whose  name  you  know,  it  is  polite 
to  salute  him. 

Intrusive  Inquiries  on  Meeting. 

If  you  meet  or  join  or  are  visited  by  a  person  who 
has  a  book  or  box,  or  any  article  whatever,  under  his 
arm  or  in  his  hand,  and  he  does  not  offer  to  show  it 
to  you,  you  should  not,  even  if  he  be  your  most  in- 
timate friend,  take  it  from  him  and  look  at  it.  There 
may  be  many  reasons  why  he  would  not  like  you  to 
see  it,  or  be  obliged  to  answer  the  inquiries  or  give 
the  explanations  connected  with  it.  That  intrusive 
curiosity  is  very  inconsistent  with  the  delicacy  of  a 
well-bred  man,  and  always  offends  in  some  degree. 

Smoking  while  Walking. 

In  walking  with  a  lady,  never  permit  her  to  en- 
cumber herself  with  a  book,  parcel,  or  anything  of 


STREET  ETIQUETTE.  129 

that  kind,  but  always  offer  to  carry  it.  As  to  smok- 
ing, it  certainly  is  not  gentlemanly  to  smoke  while 
walking  with  ladies ;  but  modern  notions  on  the  to- 
bacco question  are  growing  very  lax,  and  when  by 
the  seaside  or  in  the  country,  or  in  any  but  fashion- 
able quarters,  if  your  fair  companion  does  not  ob- 
ject to  a  cigar,  never  a  pipe,  you  will  not  coioprom- 
ise  yourself  very  much  by  smoking  one. 

Taking  off  Your  Hat. 

If  there  is  any  man  whom  you  wish  to  conciliate, 
you  should  make  a  point  of  taking  off  your  hat  to 
him  as  often  as  you  meet  him.  People  are  always 
gratified  by  respect,  and  they  generally  conceive  a 
good  opinion  of  the  understanding  of  one  who  ap- 
preciates their  excellence  so  much  as  to  respect  it. 
Such  is  the  irresistible  effect  of  an  habitual  display 
of  this  kind  of  manner,  that  perseverance  in  it  will 
often  conquer  enmity  and  obliterate  contempt. 


CHAPTER  X. 
BIDING  AND  DRIVING, 

THE  very  delightful  recreation  and  exercise  of 
riding  on  horseback  is  too  little  partaken  of 
in  these  days  of  fast  locomotion.  This  is  to  be  re- 
gretted, for  nothing  is  better  calculated  to  develop 
the  physical  health  and  animal  spirits,  nothing  is 
more  conducive  to  pleasure  of  a  rational  character 
than  the  ride  on  horseback  upon  every  pleasant  day. 

Etiquette  of  Riding. 

The  etiquette  of  riding  is  very  exact  and  import- 
ant. Remember  that  your  left  when  in  the  saddle 
is  called  the  near  side,  and  your  right  the  off  side, 
and  that  you  always  mount  on  the  near  side.  In  do- 
ing this  put  your  left  foot  in  the  stirrup,  your  left 
hand  on  the  saddle,  then,  as  you  take  a  spring, 
throw  your  right  leg  over  the  animal's  back.  Re- 
member, also,  that  the  rule  of  the  road,  both  in  rid- 
ing and  driving,  is,  that  you  keep  to  the  left,  or  near 
side  in  meeting;  and  to  the  right,  or  off  side  in  pass- 
ing. 


BIDING  AND  DUIVING.  131 

EiDiNG  IN  Public. 

Never  appear  in  public  on  horseback  unless  you 
have  mastered  the  inelegancies  attending  a  first  ap- 
pearance in  the  saddle.  A  novice  makes  an  exhibi- 
tion of  himself,  and  brings  ridicule  on  his  friends. 
Having  got  a  "seat"  by  a  little  practice,  bear  in 
mind  the  advice  conveyed  in  the  old  rhyme — 

"Keep  up  your  hea*  and  your  heart," 

Your  hands  and  your  heels  keep  down. 
Press  your  knees  close  to  your  horse's  sides. 
And  your  elbows  close  to  your  own." 

This  may  be  called  the  whole  art  of  riding,  in  one 
lesson. 

Riding  with  Ladies. 

In  riding  with  ladies,  recollect  that  it  is  your  duty 
to  see  them  in  their  saddles  before  you  mount.  And 
the  assistance  they  require  must  not  be  rendered  by 
a  groom;  you  must  assist  them  yourself. 

Assisting  a  Lady  to  Mount. 

The  lady  will  place  herself  on  the  near  side  of  the 
horse,  her  skirt  gathered  up  in  her  left  hand,  her 
right  hand  on  the  pommel,  keeping  her  face  towards 
the  horse's  head.  You  stand  at  his  shoulder,  facing 
her,  and  stooping  hold  your  hand  so  that  she  may 
place  her  left  foot  in  it;  then  lift  it  as  she  springs, 
so  as  to  aid  her,  but  not  to  give  such  an  impetus 
that,  like  "vaulting  ambition,"  she  looses  her  balance 


182  BIDING  AND  DRIVING. 

and  "falls  o'  the  other  side."  Next,  put  her  foot  in 
the  stirrup,  and  smooth  the  skirt  of  her  habit.  Then 
you  are  at  liberty  to  mount  yourself. 

Pace  in  Riding. 

The  lady  must  always  decide  upon  the  pace.  It 
is  ungenerous  to  urge  her  or  incite  her  horse  to  a 
faster  gait  than  she  feels  competent  to  undertake. 

Keep  to  the  right  of  the  lady  or  ladies  riding  with 
you. 

Open  all  gates  and  pay  all  tolls  on  the  road. 

Meeting  Friends  on  Horseback. 

If  you  meet  friends  on  horseback  do  not  turn  back 
with  them;  if  you  overtake  them  do  not  thrust  your 
company  on  them  unless  you  feel  assured  that  it  is 
agreeable  to  them  for  you  to  do  so. 

Meeting  a  Lady. 

If,  when  riding  out,  you  meet  a  lady  with  whom 
you  are  acquainted,  you  may  bow  and  ride  on ;  but 
you  cannot  with  propriety  carry  on  a  conversation 
with  her  while  you  retain  your  seat  on  horseback.  If 
very  anxious  to  talk  to  her,  it  will  be  your  duty  to 
alight,  and  to  lead  your  horse. 

Assisting  a  Lady  to  Alight  from  a  Horse 

After  the  ride  the  gentleman  must  assist  his  com- 
panion to  alight.  She  must  first  free  her  knee  from 
the  pommel  and  be  certain  that  her  habit  is  entirely 


BIDING  AND  DRIVING.  138 

disengaged.  He  must  then  take  her  left  hand  in  his 
right  and  offer  his  left  hand  as  a  step  for  her  foot. 
He  must  lower  this  hand  gently  and  allow  her  to 
reach  the  ground  quietly  without  springing.  A  lady 
should  not  attempt  to  spring  from  the  saddle. 

Entering  a  Carriage. 

If  you  enter  a  carriage  with  a  lady,  let  her  first 
take  her  place  on  the  seat  facing  the  horses ;  then 
sit  opposite,  and  on  no  account  beside  her,  unless 
you  are  her  husband  or  other  near  relative.  Enter 
a  carriage  so  that  your  back  is  towards  the  seat  you 
are  to  occupy;  you  will  thus  avoid  turning  round 
in  the  carriage,  which  is  awkward.  Take  care  that 
you  do  not  trample  on  the  ladies'  dresses,  or  shut 
them  in  as  you  close  the  door. 

Alighting  from  a  Carriage. 

The  rule  in  all  cases  is  this :  You  quit  the  car- 
riage first  and  hand  the  lady  out. 

It  is  quite  an  art  to  decend  from  a  carriage  prop- 
erly. More  attention  is  paid  to  this  matter  in  Eng- 
land than  in  America.  We  are  told  an  anecdote  by 
M.  Mercy  d'Argenteau  illustrative  of  the  importance 
of  this.  He  says:  "The  princess  of  Hesse-Darm- 
stadt, having  been  desired  by  the  empress  of  Austria 
to  bring  her  three  daughters  to  court  in  order  that 
Her  Imperial  Majesty  might  choose  one  of  them  for 
a  wife  to  one  of  her  sons,  drove  up  in  her  coach  to 
the  palace  gate.  Scarcely  had  they  entered  her  pres- 


134  BIDING  AND  DRIVING 

ence  when,  before  even  speaking  to  them,  the  em- 
press went  up  to  the  second   daughter,  and  taking 
her  by  the  hand  said, 
"'I  choose  this  young  lady.' 

"The  mother,  astonished  at  the  suddenness  of  her 
choice,  inquired  what  had  actuated  her. 

"*I  watched  the  young  ladies  get  out  of  their  car- 
riage,' said  the  empress.  'Your  eldest  daughter 
stepped  on  her  dress,  and  only  saved  herself  from 
falling  by  an  awkward  scramble.  The  youngest 
jumped  from  the  coach  to  the  ground  without  touch- 
ing the  steps.  The  second,  just  lifting  her  dress  in 
front  as  she  decended,  so  as  to  show  the  point  of  her 
shoe,  calmly  stepped  from  the  carriage  to  theground 
neither  hurriedly  nor  stiffly,  but  with  grace  and  dig- 
nity. She  is  fit  to  be  an  empress.  The  eldest  sist- 
er is  too  awkward,  the  youngest  too  wild. 

If  you  are  driving  in  company  with  another  who 
holds  the  reins,  you  should  most  carefully  abstain 
from  even  the  slightest  interference,  by  word  or  act, 
with  the  province  of  the  driver.  Any  comment,  ad- 
vice, or  gesture  of  control,  implies  a  reproof  which 
is  very  offensive.  If  there  be  any  point  of  immi- 
nent danger,  where  you  think  his  conduct  wrong, 
you  may  suggest  a  change,  but  it  must  be  done  with 
great  delicacy  and  must  be  prefaced  by  an  apology. 
During  the  ordinary  course  of  the  drive,  you  should 
resign  yourself  wholly  to  his  control,  and  be  entire- 
ly passive. 


BIDING  AND  DRIVING  135 

If  you  do  not  approve  of  his  manner,  or  have  not 
confidence  in  his  skill,  you  need  not  drive  with  him 
again;  but  while  you  are  with  him,  you  should 
yield  implicitly. 

Assisting  a  Lady  into  a  Carriage. 

A  gentleman  in  assisting  a  lady  into  a  carriage 
will  take  care  that  the  skirt  of  her  dress  is  not  al 
lowed  to  hang  outside.  It  is  best  to  have  a  car- 
riage-robe to  protect  it  entirely  from  the  mud  or 
dust  of  the  road.  He  should  provide  her  with  her 
parasol,  fan  and  shawl  before  he  seats  himself,  and 
make  certain  that  she  is  in  every  way   comfortable. 

If  a  lady  has  occasion  to  leave  the  carriage  before 
the  gentleman  accompanying  her,  he  must  alight  to 
assist  her  out ;  and  if  she  wishes  to  resume  her  seat 
in  the  carriage,  he  must  again  alight  to  help  her  to 
do  so.         I 


CHAPTER  XL 
TBAVELINO. 

AS  a  general  rule,  travelers  are  selfish.  They 
pay  little  attention  either  to  the  comforts  or 
distresses  of  their  fellow  travelers ;  and  the  common- 
est observances  of  politeness  are  often  sadly  neglect- 
ed by  them.  In  the  scramble  for  tickets,  for  seats, 
for  state-rooms,  or  for  places  at  a  public  table,  the 
courtesies  of  life  seem  to  be  trampled  under  foot. 
Even  the  ladies  are  sometimes  rudely  treated  and 
shamefully  neglected  in  the  headlong  rush  for  de 
sirable  seats  in  the  railway  cars.  To  see  the  behav- 
ior of  American  people  on  their  travels,  one  would 
suppose  that  we  were  anything  but  a  refined  nation; 
and  I  have  often  wondered  whether  a  majority  of 
our  travelers  could  really  make  a  decent  appearance 
in  social  society. 

A  Lady  Traveling  Alone. 

/      A  lady  accustomed  to  traveling,  if  she  pays  prop- 
/    er  attention  to  the  rules  of  etiquette,  may  travel 


/ 


TEA  VELINQ.  137 

alone  anywhere  in  the  United  States  with  perfect 
safety  and  propriety. 

But  there  are  many  ladies  to  whom  all  the  ways 
of  travel  are  unknown,  and  to  such,  an  escort  is  very 
acceptable.  When  a  gentleman  has  a  lady  put  in 
his  charge  for  a  journey,  he  should  be  at  the  depot 
in  ample  time  to  procure  her  ticket  and  see  that  her 
baggage  is  properly  checked. 

On  Arrival  of  the  Train. 
On  the  arrival  of  the  train,  he  should  attend  her 
to  the  car  and  secure  the  best  possible  seat  for  her. 
He  should  give  her  the  choice  of  taking  the  outside 
or  window  seat,  should  stow  away  her  packages  in 
the  proper  receptacle,  and  then  do  all  he  can  to  make 
her  journey  a  pleasant  one. 

Arriving  at  Destination. 
Arrived  at  their  destination,  he  should  see  her 
safely  in  a  car  or  carriage,  or  at  least  conduct  her  to 
the  ladies'  room  of  the  station,  before  he  goes  to  see 
about  the  baggage.  He  should  attend  her  to  the 
door  or  deliver  her  into  the  charge  of  friends  before 
he  relaxes  his  care.  He  should  call  upon  her  the 
following  day  to  see  how  she  has  withstood  the  fa- 
tigues of  her  journey.  It  is  optional  with  her  at 
this  time  whether  she  will  receive  him,  and  thus 
prolong  the  acquaintance,  or  not.  However  it  is 
scarcely  supposed  that  a  lady  of  really  good  breed- 
ing would   refuse  further  recognition   to  one  from 


138  TRAVELING. 

whom  she  had  accepted  such  services.  If  the  gen- 
tleman is  really  unworthy  of  her  regard,  it  would 
have  been  in  better  taste  to  have  recognized  the  fact 
at  first  by  declining  his  escort. 

Rushing  for  Ticket  Office. 

When  you  are  traveling,  it  is  no  excuse  that  be- 
cause others  outrage  decency  and  propriety  you 
should  follow  their  example,  and  fight  them  with 
their  own  weapons.  A  rush  and  scramble  at  the 
railway  ticket  office  is  always  unnecessary.  The 
cars  will  not  leave  until  every  passenger  is  aboard, 
and  if  you  have  ladies  with  you,  you  can  easily  se- 
cure your  seats  and  afterward  procure  the  tickets  at 
leisure.  But  suppose  you  do  lose  a  favorite  seat  by 
your  moderation !  Is  it  not  better  to  suffer  a  little 
inconvenience  than  to  show  yourself  decidedly  vul- 
gar ?  Go  to  the  cars  half  an  hour  before  they  start, 
and  you  will  avoid  all  trouble  of  this  kind. 

Personal  Comfort. 

When  seated,  or  about  to  seat  yourself  in  the  cars 
never  allow  considerations  of  personal  comfort  or 
convenience  to  cause  you  to  disregard  the  rights  of 
fellow-travelers,  or  forget  the  respectful  courtesy  due 
to  woman.  The  pleasantest  or  most  comfortable 
seats  belong  to  the  ladies,  and  you  should  never  re- 
fuse to  resign  such  seats  to  them  with  a  cheerful  po- 
liteness. Sometimes  a  gentleman  will  go  through  a 
car  and  choose  his  seat,  and   afterward  vacate  it  to 


TBA  VELING.  139 

procure  his  ticket,  leaving  his  overcoat  or  carpet  bag 
to  show  that  the  seat  is  taken.  Always  respect  this 
token,  and  never  seize  upon  a  seat  thus  secured, 
without  leave,  even  though  you  may  want  it  for  a 
lady. 

A  Lady  Traveling  Alone. 

A  lady,  in  traveling  alone,  may  accept  services 
from  her  fellow-travelers,  which  she  should  always 
acknowledge  graciously.  Indeed,  it  is  the  business 
of  a  gentleman  to  see  that  the  wants  of  an  unescort- 
ed lady  are  attended  to.  He  should  offer  to  raise  or 
lower  her  window  if  she  seems  to  have  any  difficul- 
ty in  doing  it  for  herself.  He  may  offer  his  assist- 
ance in  carrying  her  packages  upon  leaving  the  car^ 
or  in  engaging  a  carriage  or  obtaining  a  trunk. 

Still,  women  should  learn  to  be  as  self-reliant  as  pos- 
sible; and  young  women  particularly  should  accept 
proffered  assistance  from  strangers,  in  all  but  the 
slightest  offices,  very  rarely. 

Rushing  for  the  Table. 
In  steamers  do  not  make  a  rush  for  the  supper 
table,  or  make  a  glutton  of  yourself  when  you  get 
there.  Never  fail  to  offer  your  seat  on  deck  to  a  la- 
dy, if  the  seats  all  appear  to  be  occupied,  and  al- 
ways meet  half  way  any  fellow-passenger  who  wish- 
es to  enter  into  conversation  with  you.  Some  trav- 
elers are  so  exclusive  that  they  consider  it  a  pre- 
sumption on  the  part  of  a  stranger  to  address  them; 


140  TBA  VELING. 

but  such  people  are  generally  foolish,  and  of  no  ac- 
count. 

Social  Intercourse  while  Traveling. 

Sociable  intercourse  while  traveling  is  one  of  its 
main  attractions.  Who  would  care  about  sitting  and 
moping  for  a  dozen  of  hours  on  board  a  steamer 
without  exchanging  a  word  with  anybody?  and  this 
must  be  the  fate  of  the  exclusives  when  they  travel 
alone.  Even  ladies  who  run  greater  risks  in  form- 
ing steamboat  acquaintances  than  the  men,  are  al- 
lowed the  greatest  privileges  in  that  respect.  It 
might  not  be  exactly  correct  for  a  lady  to  make  a 
speaking  acquaintance  of  a  gentleman;  but  she  may 
address  or  question  him  for  the  time  being  without 
impropriety. 

Occupying  too  Many  Seats. 

No  lady  of  genuine  breeding  will  retain  posses- 
sion of  more  than  her  rightful  seat  in  a  crowded 
car.  When  others  are  looking  for  accommodations, 
she  should  at  once  and  with  all  cheerfulness  so  dis- 
pose of  her  baggage  that  the  seat  beside  her  will 
be  at  liberty  for  any  one  who  desires  it,  no  mat- 
ter how  agreeable  it  might  be  to  retain  possession 
of  it. 

There  is  no  truer  sign  of  want  of  proper  manners 
than  to  see  two  ladies  turn  over  the  seat  in  front  of 
them  and  fill  it  with  their  wraps  and  bundles,  re- 
taining it  in  spite  of  the  entreating  or  remonstrating 


TBA  VELINQ.  141 

looks  of  fellow-passengers.  In  such  a  case  as  this 
any  person  who  needs  a  seat  is  justified  in  reversing 
the  back,  removing  the  baggage  and  taking  posses- 
sion of  the  unused  place. 

Retaining  a  Seat. 

A  gentleman  in  traveling  may  take  possession  of 
a  seat  and  then  go  to  purchase  tickets  or  look  after 
baggage,  leaving  the  seat  in  charge  of  a  companion 
or  depositing  traveling-bag  or  overcoat  upon  it  to 
show  that  it  is  engaged.  A  gentleman  cannot,  how- 
ever, in  justice,  vacate  his  seat  to  take  another  in  the 
smoking-car  and  at  the  same  time  reserve  his  rights 
to  the  first  seat.  He  pays  for  but  one  seat,  and  by 
taking  another  he  forfeits  the  first. 

It  is  not  required  of  a  gentleman  in  a  railway  car 
to  relinquish  his  seat  in  favor  of  a  lady,  though  a 
gentleman  of  genuine  breeding  will  do  so  rather 
than  allow  the  lady  to  stand  or  to  suffer  inconven- 
ience from  poor  accommodations. 

Etiquette  of  Stkeet  Cars. 
In  the  street  cars  the  case  is  different.  No  wom- 
an should  be  permitted  to  stand  while  there  is  a 
seat  occupied  by  a  man.  The  inconvenience  to  the 
man  will  be  temporary  and  trifling  at  the  most,  and 
he  can  well  afibrd  to  sufifer  it  rather  than  do  an  un- 
courteous  act. 

Etiquette  of  Ferry-boats. 
There  is  a  place  where  the  good  manners  of  men 


142  TBA  VELING. 

seem  sometimes  to  forsake  them — ^in  the  ladies'  sa- 
loon of  ferry-boats.  The  men  reign  paramount  in 
their  own  saloon.  No  woman  dares  intrude  there, 
still  less  deprive  its  rightful  occupants  of  their  seats. 
Yet  many  men,  without  even  the  excuse  of  being  es- 
corts of  women,  prefering  the  purer  natural  and 
moral  atmosphere  of  the  ladies'  saloon,  take  posses- 
sion and  seat  themselves,  notwithstanding,  women 
have  to  stand  in  consequence.  This  is  not  a  matter 
of  politeness  alone;  it  is  one  of  simple  justice.  The 
ladies'  saloon  is  for  the  accommodation  of  ladies, 
and  no  gentleman  has  the  right  to  occupy  a  seat  so 
long  as  a  lady  is  unprovided. 

Checking  Familiarity. 

It  is  impossible  to  dwell  too  strongly  upon  the 
importance  of  reserve  and  discretion  on  the  part  of 
ladies  traveling  alone.  They  may,  as  has  been  al- 
ready said,  accept  slight  services  courteously  proffered 
by  strangers,  but  any  attempt  at  familiarity  must  be 
checked,  and  this  with  all  the  less  hesitation  that  no 
gentleman  will  be  guilty  of  such  familiarity;  and  a 
lady  wants  only  gentlemen  for  her  acquaintances. 

Once,  when  traveling  from  Chicago  to  Toledo, 
there  were  upon  the  same  train  with  ourselves  a 
young  lady  and  gentleman  who  were  soon  the  ob- 
served of  all  observers.  He  was  a  commercial 
traveler  of  some  sort,  and  she  probably  just  from 
boarding-school.  They  were  total  strangers  to  each 
other  as  they  both  entered  the  car  at  Chicago.     The 


TBA  VELING.  143 

acquaintance  begun  soon  after  starting.  By  the  time 
La  Porte  was  reached  he  had  taken  his  seat  beside 
her.  At  Elkhart  the  personal  history  of  each  was 
known  to  the  other.  The  genlleman  here  invited 
the  lady  to  supper  and  paid  her  bill.  Shortly  after- 
ward photographs  were  exchanged,  they  had  written 
confidentially  in  each  other's  note-books,  and  had 
promised  to  correspond.  All  this  passed  between 
them  in  tones  so  loud  and  with  actions  so  obtrusive 
that  they  attracted  the  notice  of  every  one  in  the 
car,  and  many  were  the  comments  upon  them.  As 
daylight  waned  she  sunk  upon  his  shoulder  to  sleep 
while  he  threw  his  arm  around  her  to  support  her. 
If  they  had  announced  their  engagement  and  in- 
quired for  a  clergyman  upon  the  train  to  marry 
them  upon  their  arrival  at  Toledo,  no  one  would 
have  been  really  surprised.  She  was  a  foolish  girl, 
yet  old  enough  to  have  known  better.  He  must 
have  been  a  villain  thus  to  take  advantage  of  her 
silliness. 

Still,  if  the  journey  is  long,  and  especially  if  it  be 
by  steamboat,  a  certain  sociability  is  in  order,  and  a 
married  lady  or  lady  of  middle  age  should  make 
good  use  of  her  privileges  in  this  respect. 

Duty  of  Ladies  to  other  Ladies  in  Traveling. 

It  is  especially  the  duty  of  ladies  to  look  after 
other  ladies  younger  or  less  experienced  than  them- 
selves who  may  be  traveling  without  escort.  To 
watch  these  and  see  that  they  are  not  made  the 


144  TRA  VELINO. 

dupes  of  villains,  and  to  pass  a  pleasant  word  with 
others  who  may  possibly  feel  the  loneliness  of  their 
situation,  should  be  the  especial  charge  of  every  lady 
of  experience.  Such  a  one  may  often  have  the 
privilege  of  rendering  another  lady  an  important 
service  in  giving  her  information  or  advice,  or  even 
assistance.  Every  lady  of  experience  and  self-pos- 
session should  feel  her  duties  to  be  only  less  than 
those  of  a  gentleman  in  showing  favors  to  the  more 
helpless  and  less  experienced  of  her  own  sex. 

The  friendship  which  has  subsisted  between  trav- 
elers terminates  with  the  journey.  When  you  get 
out,  a  word,  a  bow,  and  the  acquaintance  formed 
is  finished  and  forgotten. 

Consulting  the  Comfort  op  Others. 

In  the  cars  you  have  no  right  to  keep  a  window 
open  for  your  accommodation,  if  the  current  of  air 
thus  produced  annoys  or  endangers  the  health  of 
another.  There  are  a  sufficient  number  of  discom- 
forts in  traveling,  at  best,  and  it  should  be  the  aim 
of  each  passenger  to  lessen  them  as  much  as  possi- 
ble, and  to  cheerfully  bear  his  own  part.  Life  is  a 
journey,  and  we  are  all  fellow-travelers. 

Attending  to  the  "Wants  of  Others. 

See  everywhere  and  at  all  times  that  ladies  and 
elderly  people  have  their  wants  supplied  before  you 
think  of  your  own.  Nor  is  there  need  for  unmanly 
haste  and  pushing  in  entering  or  leaving  cars  or 


TJRA  VELINO.  145 

boats.  There  is  always  time  enough  allowed  for 
each  passenger  to  enter  in  a  gentlemanly  manner 
and  with  a  due  regard  to  the  rights  of  others. 

If,  in  riding  in  the  street  cars  or  crossing  a  ferry, 
your  friend  insists  upon  paying  for  you,  permit  him 
to  do  so  without  serious  remonstrance.  You  can 
return  the  favor  at  some  other  time. 

Selfishness  op  Ladies. 

Ladies  in  traveling  should  scrupulously  avoid 
monopolizing,  to  the  exclusion  of  others,  whatever 
conveniences  are  provided  for  their  use.  Mr.  Pull- 
man, the  inventor  of  the  palace  car,  was  asked  why 
there  were  not  locks  or  bolts  upon  the  ladies*  dress- 
ing-rooms. He  replied  that  "  if  these  where  furnish- 
ed, but  two  or  three  ladies  in  a  sleeping  car  would 
be  able  to  avail  themselves  of  the  conveniences,  for 
these  would  lock  themselves  in  and  perform  their 
toiletts  at  their  leisure. 

This  sounds  like  satire  upon  our  American  ladies, 
but  we  fear  it  is  true. 


CHAPTER  XII. 
ETIQUETTE  OF  PUBLIC  PLACES. 

IN  public  places  the  perfect  lady  and  gentleman 
are  always  polite,  considerate  of  the  comfort  and 
wishes  of  others  and  unobtrusive  in  their  behavior. 
Under  the  same  circumstances  sham  gentility  is 
boisterous,  rude,  vulgar  and  selfish. 

Church  Etiquette. 

One  should  preserve  the  utmost  silence  and  de- 
corum in  church. 

There  should  be  no  haste  in  passing  up  or  down 
the  aisle. 

A  gentleman  should  remove  his  hat  as  soon  as  he 
enters. 

A  gentleman  and  lady  should  pass  up  the  aisle 
together  until  the  pew  is  reached,  when  the  former 
should  step  before  the  latter,  open  the  pew  door, 
holding  it  open  while  she  enters,  then  follow  her 
and  close  the  door  after  him. 

.  There  should  be  no  whispering,  laughing  or  star- 
ing. 


ETiq  XJETTE  OF  PUBLIC  PL  A  CES.        147 

If  a  stranger  is  seen  to  enter  the  church  and  the 
sexton  does  not  at  once  provide  him  with  a  seat, the 
pew  door  should  be  opened  and  the  stranger  silently 
invited  to  enter. 

It  is  courteous  to  see  that  strangers  are  provided 
with  books;  and  if  the  service  is  strange  to  them, 
the  places  for  the  day's  reading  should  be  indi- 
cated. 

It  is  perfectly  proper  to  offer  to  share  the  prayer 
or  hymn  book  with  a  stranger  if  there  is  no  sepa- 
rate book  for  his  use. 

If  books  or  fans  are  passed  in  church,  let  them  be 
offered  and  accepted  or  refused  with  a  silent  gesture 
of  acceptance  or  refusal. 

Upon  entering  a  strange  church  it  is  best  to  wait 
until  the  sexton  conducts  you  to  a  seat.  By  no 
means  enter  an  occupied  pew  uninvited. 

In  visiting  a  church  of  a  different  belief  from 
your  own,  pay  the  utmost  respect  to  the  services  and 
conform  in  all  things  to  the  observances  of  the 
church — that  is,  kneel,  sit  and  rise  with  the  congre- 
gation. No  matter  how  grotesquely  some  of  the 
forms  and  observances  may  strike  you,  let  no  smile 
or  contemptuous  remark  indicate  the  fact  while  in 
the  church. 

If  a  Protestant  gentleman  accompanies  a  lady  who 
is  a  Roman  Catholic  to  her  own  church,  it  is  an  act 
of  courtesy  to  offer  the  holy  water.  This  he  must 
do  with  his  ungloved  right  hand. 

When  the  services  are  concluded,  there  should  be 


148       ETiq  UETTE  OF  P  UBLIC  FLA  CE8. 

no  haste  in  crowding  up  the  aisle,  but  the  departure 
should  be  conducted  quietly  and  in  order.  When 
the  vestibule  is  reached,  it  is  allowable  to  exchange 
greetings  with  friends,  but  here  there  should  be  no 
loud  talking  nor  boisterous  laughter.  Neither  should 
gentlemen  congregate  in  knots  in  the  vestibule  or 
upon  the  steps  of  the  church  and  compel  ladies  to 
run  the  gauntlet  of  their  eyes  and  tongues. 

Never  be  late  to  church.  It  is  a  decided  mark  of 
ill-breeding. 

In  visiting  a  church  for  the  mere  purpose  of  see- 
ing the  edifice,  one  should  always  go  at  a  time  when 
there  are  no  services  being  held.  If  people  are  even 
then  found  at  their  devotions,  as  is  apt  to  be  the  case 
in  Roman  Catholic  churches  especially,  the  demea- 
nor of  the  visitor  should  be  respectful  and  subdu- 
ed and  his  voice  low,  so  that  he  may  not  disturb 
them. 

Visiting  an  Artist. 

Upon  visiting  an  artist's  studio,  by  no  means  med- 
dle with  anything  in  the  room.  Reverse  no  picture 
which  hangs  or  stands  with  face  to  the  wall;  open 
no  portfolio  without  permission,  and  do  not  alter  by 
a  single  touch  any  lay-figure  or  its  drapery,  piece 
of  furniture  or  article  of  vertu  posed  as  a  model. 
You  do  not  know  with  what  care  the  artist  may 
have  arranged  these  things,  nor  what  trouble  the 
disarrangement  may  cost  him. 

It  is  not  proper  to  visit  the  studio  of  an  artist  ex- 


ETIQUETTE  OF  PUBLIC  PLACES       149 

cept  by  special  invitation  or  permission  and  at  an 
appointed  time,  for  you  cannot  appreciate  how  much 
you  may  disturb  him  at  his  work.  The  hours  of 
daylight  are  all  golden  to  him;  and  steadiness  of 
hand  in  manipulating  a  pencil  is  sometimes  only  ac- 
quired each  day  after  hours  of  practice,  and  may  be 
instantly  lost  on  the  irruption  and  consequent  in- 
terruption of  visitors. 

Use  no  strong  expression  of  either  delight  or  di» 
approbation  at  anything  presented  for  your  inspec- 
tion. If  a  picture  or  a  statue  please  you,  show  your 
approval  and  appreciation  by  close  attention  and  a 
few  quiet,  well-chosen  words,  rather  than  by  extrav- 
agant praise. 

Do  not  ask  the  artist  his  prices  unless  you  really 
intend  to  become  a  purchaser;  and  in  this  case  it  is 
best  to  attentively  observe  his  works,  make  your 
choice,  and  trust  the  negotiation  to  a  third  person 
or  to  a  written  correspondence  with  the  artist  after 
the  visit  is  concluded.  You  may  express  your  de- 
sire for  the  work  and  obtain  the  refusal  of  it  from 
the  artist.  If  you  desire  to  conclude  the  bargain  at 
once  and  ask  his  price,  and  he  names  a,  higher  one 
than  you  desire  to  give,  you  may  say  as  much  and 
mention  the  sum  you  are  willing  to  pay,  when  it 
will  be  optional  with  the  artist  to  maintain  his  first 
price  or  accept  your  offer. 

Never  take  a  young  child  to  a  studio,  for  it  may 
do  much  mischief  in  spite  of  the  most  careful  watch- 
ing.    At  any  rate,  the  juvenile  visitor  will  try  the 


150       ETiq  UETTE  OF  P  UBLIC  PL  A  CES. 

artist's  temper  and  nerves  by  keeping  him  in  a 
state  of  constant  apprehension. 

If  you  have  engaged  to  sit  for  your  portrait,  nev- 
er keep  the  artist  waiting  one  moment  beyond  the 
appointed  time.  If  you  do  so,  you  should  in  justice 
pay  for  the  time  you  make  him  lose. 

A  visitor  should  never  stand  behind  an  artist  and 
watch  him  at  his  work;  for  if  he  be  a  man  of  ner- 
vous temperament,  it  will  be  likely  to  disturb  him 
greatly. 

Conduct  in  Picture-galleries. 

In  visiting  picture-galleries  one  should  always 
maintain  the  deportment  of  a  gentleman  or  lady. 
Make  no  loud  comments,  and  do  not  seek  to  show 
superior  knowledge  in  art  matters  by  gratuitous  crit- 
icism. Ten  to  one,  if  you  have  not  an  art  education 
you  will  only  be  giving  publicity  to  your  own  ig- 
norance. 

Do  not  stand  in  conversation  before  a  picture,  and 
thus  obstruct  the  view  of  others  who  wish  to  see 
rather  than  talk.  If  you  wish  to  converse  Avith  any 
one  on  general  subjects,  draw  to  one  side  out  of  the 
way  of  those  who  wish  to  look  at  the  pictures. 

Invitation  to  Opera  or  Concert. 

A  gentleman  upon  inviting  a  lady  to  accompany 
him  to  opera,  theatre,  concert  or  other  public  place 
of  amusement  must  send  his  invitation  the  previous 
day  and  write  it  in  the  third  person.  The  lady  must 


ETiq  UETTE  OF  P  UBLIG  PL  A  CES.        151 

reply  immediately,  so  that  if  she  declines  there  will 
yet  be  time  for  the  gentleman  to  secure  another  com- 
panion. 

It  is  the  gentleman's  duty  to  secure  good  seats  for 
the  entertainment,  or  else  he  or  his  companion  may 
be  obliged  to  take  up  with  seats  where  they  can 
neither  see  nor  hear. 

Conduct  in  Opera,  Theatre  or  Public  Hall. 

On  entering  the  hall,  theatre  or  opera-house  the 
gentleman  should  walk  side  by  side  with  his  com- 
panion unless  the  aisle  is  too  narrow,  in  which  case 
he  should  precede  her.  Reaching  the  seats,  he 
should  allow  her  to  take  the  inner  one,assuming  the 
outer  one  himself. 

A  gentleman  should  on  no  account  leave  the  lady's 
side  from  the  beginning  to  the  close  of  the  perform- 
ance. 

If  it  is  a  promenade  concert  or  opera,  the  lady 
may  be  invited  to  promenade  during  the  intermis- 
sion. If  she  decline,  the  gentleman  must  retain  his 
position  by  her  side. 

The  custom  of  going  out  alone  between  the  acts 
to  visit  the  refreshment-room  cannot  be  too  strongly 
reprehended.  It  is  little  less  than  an  insult  to  the 
lady. 

There  is  no  obligation  whatever  upon  a  gentleman 
to  give  up  his  seat  to  a  lady.  On  the  contrary,  his 
duty  is  solely  to  the  lady  whom  he  accompanies.  He 
must  remain  beside  her  during  the  evening  to  con- 


152       ETiq  UETTE  OF  P  UBLIC  PL  A  CES. 

verse  with  her  between  the  acts  and  to  render  her 
assistance  in  case  of  accident  or  disturbance. 

It  is  proper  and  desirable  that  the  actors  be  ap- 
plauded when  they  deserve  it.  It  is  their  only 
means  of  knowing  whether  they  are  giving  satisfac- 
tion. 

During  the  performance  complete  quiet  should  be 
preserved,  that  the  audience  may  not  be  prevented 
seeing  or  hearing.  Between  the  acts  it  is  perfectly 
proper  to  converse,  but  it  should  be  in  a  low  tone,  so 
as  not  to  attract  attention.  Neither  should  one 
whisper.  There  should  be  no  loud  talking,  boister- 
ous laughter,  violent  gestures,  lover-like  demonstra- 
tions or  anything  in  manners  or  speech  to  attract 
the  attention  of  others. 

The  gentleman  should  see  that  the  lady  is  pro- 
vided with  programme,  and  with  libretto  also  if  they 
are  attending  opera. 

The  gentleman  should  ask  permission  to  call  upon 
the  lady  on  the  following  day,  which  permission  she 
should  grant;  and  if  she  be  a  person  of  delicacy  and 
tact,  she  will  make  him  feel  that  he  has  conferred  a 
real  pleasure  upon  her  by  his  invitation.  Even  if 
she  finds  occasion  for  criticism  in  the  performance, 
she  should  be  lenient  in  this  respect  and  seek  for 
points  to  praise  instead,  that  he  may  not  feel  regret 
at  taking  her  to  an  entertainment  which  has  proved 
unworthy. 

If  the  means  of  the  gentleman  warrant  him  in  so 
doing,  he  should  call  for  his  companion  in  a   car- 


ETiq  UETTE  OF  P  UBLIC  PL  A  CE8       163 

riage.  This  is  especially  necessary  if  the  evening 
is  stormy.  He  should  call  sufficiently  early  to  allow 
them  to  reach  their  destination  before  the  perform- 
ance commences.  It  is  unjust  to  the  whole  audience 
to  come  in  late  and  make  a  disturbance  in  obtain- 
ing seats. 

In  passing  out  at  the  close  of  the  performance  the 
gentleman  should  precede  the  lady,  and  there  should 
be  no  crowding  and  pushing. 

Church  or  Fancy  Fairs. 

In  visiting  a  fancy  fair  make  no  comments  on 
either  the  articles  or  their  price  unless  you  can  praise. 
Do  not  haggle  over  them.  Pay  the  price  demanded 
or  let  them  alone.  If  you  can  conscientiously  j)raise 
an  article,  by  all  means  do  so,  as  you  may  be  giving 
pleasure  to  the  maker  if  she  chances  to  be  within 
hearing. 

Be  guilty  of  no  loud  talking  or  laughing,  and 
by  all  means  avoid  conspicuous  flirting  in  so  public 
a  place. 

As,  according  to  the  general  rules  of  politeness,  a 
gentleman  must  always  remove  his  hat  in  the  pres- 
ence of  ladies,  so  he  should  remain  with  head  un- 
covered, carrying  his  hat  in  his  hand,  in  a  public 
place  of  this  character. 

If  you  have  a  table  at  a  fair,  use  no  unlady  like 
means  to  obtain  buyers.  Let  a  negative  suffice. 
Not  even  the  demands  of  charity  can  justify  you  in 
importuning  others  to  purchase  articles  against  their 


154       ETiq,  UETTE  OF  PUBLIC  PL  A  CES. 

own  judgment  or  beyond  their  means  to  purchase. 
Never  be  so  grossly  ill-bred  as  to  retain  the 
change  if  a  larger  amount  is  presented  than  the 
price.  Offer  the  change  promptly,  when  the  gentle- 
man will  be  at  liberty  to  donate  it  if  he  thinks  best, 
and  you  may  accept  it  with  thanks.  He  is,  howev- 
er, under  no  obligation  whatever  to  make  such  do- 
nation. 

Picnics. 

In  giving  a  picnic,  the  great  thing  to  remember  is 
to  be  sure  and  have  enough  to  eat  and  drink.  Al- 
ways provide  for  the  largest  possible  number  of 
guests  that  may  by  any  chance  come. 

Send  out  your  invitations  three  weeks  beforehand, 
in  order  that  you  may  be  enabled  to  fill  up  your  list, 
if  you  have  many  refusals. 

Always  transport  your  guests  to  the  scene  of  ac- 
tion in  covered  carriages,  or  carriages  that  are  ca- 
pable of  being  covered,  in  order  that  you  may  be 
provided  against  rain,  which  is  proverbial  on  such 
occasions. 

Send  a  separate  conveyance  containing  the  provi- 
sions, in  charge  of  two  or  three  servants — not  too 
many,  as  half  the  fun  is  lost  if  the  gentlemen  do  not 
ofl&ciate  as  amateur  waiters. 

The  above  rules  apply  to  picnics  which  are  given 
by  one  person,  and  to  which  invitations  are  sent  out 
just  the  same  as  to  an  ordinary  ball  or  dinner  party. 
But  there  are  picnics  and  picnics  as  the  French  say. 


ETiq  UETTE  OF  P  UBLIC  PL  A  CES       155 

Let  us  treat  of  the  picnic,  in  which  a  lot  of  people 
join  together  for  the  purpose  of  a  day's  ruralizing. 
In  this  case,  it  is  usual  for  the  ladies  to  contribute 
the  viands.  The  gentlemen  should  provide  and  su- 
perintend all  the  arrangements  for  the  conveyance 
«  of  the  guests  to  and  from  the  scene  of  festivity. 

How  TO  Dress. 
Great  latitude  in  dress  is  allowed  on  these  occa- 
sions. The  ladies  all  come  in  morning  dresses  and 
hats;  the  gentlemen  in  light  coats,  wide-awake  hats, 
caps,  or  straw  hats.  In  fact,  the  morning  dress  of 
the  seaside  is  quite  de  rigueur  at  a  picnic.  After  din- 
ner it  is  usual  to  pass  the  time  in  singing,  or  if  there 
happens  to  be  an  orchestra  of  any  kind,  in  dancing. 
This  is  varied  by  games  of  all  kinds,  croquet,  &c. 
Frequently  after  this  the  company  breaks  up  into 
little  knots  and  coteries,  each  having  its  own  centre 
of  amusement. 

Duties  op  Gentlemen. 
Each  gentleman  should  endeavor  to  do  his  ut- 
most to  be  amusing  on  these  occasions.  If  he  has  a 
musical  instrument,  and  can  play  it,  let  him  bring 
it — for  instance,  a  cornet,  which  is  barely  tolerated 
in  a  private  drawing-room,  is  a  great  boon,  when 
well  played  at  a  picnic.  On  these  occasions  a  large 
bell  or  gong  should  be  taken,  in  order  to  summon 
the  guests  when  required;  and  the  guests  should  be 
careful  to  attend  to  the  call  at  once,  for  many  a 


156        ETIQ  UETTE  OF  P  UBLIC  PL  A  CES. 

pleasant  party  of  this  kind  has  been  spoiled  by  a 
few  selfish  people  keeping  out  of  the  way  'when 
wanted. 

Committee  of  Arrangements. 
Finally,  it  would  be  well  on  these  occasions  to  have* 
each  department  vested  in  the  hands  of  one  respon- 
sible person,  in  order  that  when  we  begin  dinner  we 
should  not  find  a  heap  of  forks  but  no  knives,  beef, 
but  no  mustard,  lobster  and  lettuces  but  no  salad- 
dressing,  veal-and-ham,  pies  but  no  bread,  and  near- 
ly fifty  other  such  contretemps,  which  are  sure  to 
come  about  unless  the  matter  is  properly  looked 
after  and  organized. 

Boating. 

The  reader  may  doubtless  be  surprised  that  we 
should  treat  of  etiquette  when  speaking  of  boating, 
still  there  are  little  customs  and  usages  of  politeness 
to  be  observed  even  in  the  roughest  sports  in  which 
a  gentleman  takes  part. 

Never  think  of  venturing  out  with  ladies  alone, 
unless  you  are  perfectly  conversant  with  the  man- 
agement of  a  boat,  and,  above  all,  never  overload 
your  boat.  There  have  been  more  accidents  caused 
by  the  neglect  of  these  two  rules  than  can  be  im- 
agined. 

If  two  are  going  out  with  ladies,  let  one  take  his 
stand  in  the  the  boat  and  conduct  the  ladies  to  their 
seats,  while    one  assists  them  to  step  from  the  bank. 


ETiq  VETTE  OF  P  VELIO  PL  A  CES.        157 

Let  the  ladies  be  comfortably  seated,  and  their  dress- 
es arranged  before  starting.  Be  careful  that  you  do 
not  splash  them,  either  on  first  putting  the  oar  into 
the  water  or  subsequently. 

If  a  friend  is  with  you  and  going  to  row,  always 
ask  him  which  seat  he  prefers,  and  do  not  forget  to 
ask  him  to  row  "stroke,"  which  is  always  the  seat  of 
honor  in  the  boat. 

Rowing. 

If  you  cannot  row,  do  not  scruple  to  say  so,  as  then 
you  can  take  your  seat  by  the  side  of  the  ladies,  and 
entertain  them  by  your  conversation,  which  is  much 
better  than  spoiling  your  own  pleasure  and  that  of 
others  by  attempting  what  you  know  you  cannot 
perform. 

The  usual  costume  of  gentlemen  is  white  flannel 
trousers,  white  rowing  jersey,  and  a  straw  hat.  Pea- 
jackets  are  worn  when  their  owners  are  not  absolute- 
ly employed  in  rowing. 

Ladies  Rowing. 
Of  late  years  ladies  have  taken  very  much  to 
rowing;  this  can  be  easily  managed  in  a  quiet  river 
or  private  pond,  but  it  is  scarcely  to  be  attempted 
in  the  more  crowded  and  public  parts  of  our  rivers 
— at  any  rate,  unless  superintended  by  gentlemen. 
In  moderation,  it  is  a  capital  exercise  for  ladies; 
but  when  they  attempt  it  they  should  bear  in  mind 
that  they  should  assume  a  dress  proper  for  the  oc. 


T 


158       ETIQ  UETTE  OF  P  UBLIC  PL  A  CES. 

casion.  They  should  leave  their  crinoline  at  home, 
and  wear  a  skirt  barely  touching  the  ground;  they 
should  also  assume  flannel  Garibaldi  shirts  and  little 
sailor  hats — add  to  these  a  good  pair  of  stout  boots, 
and  the  equipment  is  complete.  We  should  observe 
however,  that  it  is  impossible  for  any  lady  to  row 
with  comfort  or  grace  if  she  laces  tightly. 


CHAPTER  XIII. 
LETTER  WHITING. 

LETTER-WRITING  is  a  delightful  art,  and 
one  not  hard  to  be  acquired.  To  write  a  good 
letter  doubtless  requires  some  experience;  to  write 
one  which  is  marked  by  originality  and  beauty  re- 
quires, in  some  degree,  a  peculiar  talent.  But,  al- 
most any  person  of  ordinary  intelligence  can  learn 
how  to  express  himself  or  herself  in  an  acceptable 
manner  upon  paper. 

Good  grammar,  correct  orthography,  precise  punc- 
tuation, will  not  make  a  clever  communication,  if 
the  life  and  spirit  of  the  expression  are  wanting ;  and 
life  and  spirit  wUl  make  a  good  impressive  epistle, 
even  if  the  rhetorical  aud  grammatical  proprieties 
are  largely  wanting.  Some  of  the  most  charming 
letters  we  ever  saw  or  read  were  from  children,  who 
while  they  tortured  grammar,  yet  reproduced  them- 
selves so  completely  as  to  make  it  appear  that  they 
really  were  chattering  to  us. 

It  is  comparatively  easy  to  compose.  The  secret 
of  it  is  hidden  in  no  mystery — it  is  simply  to  converse 


LETTER  WBITING 

on  paper,  instead  of  by  word  of  mouth.  To  illus- 
trate: if  a  person  is  before  you,  you  narrate  the  in- 
cidents of  a  marriage,  or  a  death,  or  of  any  circum- 
stance of  interest.  It  is  an  easy  and  an  agreeable 
thing  to  tell  the  story.  Now,  if  the  person  were  so 
deaf  as  not  to  be  able  to  hear  a  word,  what  would 
you  do?  Why,  seize  a  pencil  or  pen  and  write  out 
just  what  you  would  have  told  them  by  words.  That 
very  writing  would  be  a  delightful  letter! 

Letters  of  Introduction. 

Letters  of  introduction  are  to  be  regarded  as  cer- 
tificates of  respectability,  and  are  therefore  nev^r  to 
be  given  where  you  do  not  feel  sure  on  this  point. 
To  send  a  person  of  whom  you  know  nothing  into 
the  confidence  and  family  of  a  friend,  is  an  unpar- 
donable recklessness.  In  England,  letters  of  intro- 
duction are  called  "tickets  to  soup,"  because  it  is  gen- 
erally customary  to  invite  a  gentleman  to  dine  who 
comes  with  a  letter  of  introduction  to  you.  Such  is 
also  the  practice,  to  some  extent,  in  this  country,  but 
etiquette  here  does  not  make  the  dinner  so  essential 
as  there. 

When  a  gentleman,  bearing  a  letter  of  introduc- 
tion to  you,  leaves  his  card,  you  should  call  on  him 
or  send  a  note,  as  early  as  possible.  There  is  no 
greater  insult  than  to  treat  a  letter  of  introduction 
with  indifference — it  is  a  slight  to  the  stranger  as 
well  as  to  the  introducer,  which  no  subsequent  at- 
tentions will  cancel.    After  you  have  made  this  call. 


LETTER  WHITING.  161 

it  is,  to  some  extent,  optional  with  you  as  to  what 
further  attentions  you  shall  pay  the  party.  In  this 
country  everybody  is  supposed  to  be  very  busy, 
which  is  always  a  sufficient  excuse  for  not  paying 
elaborate  attentions  to  visitors.  It  is  not  demanded 
that  any  man  shall  neglect  his  business  to  wait  upon 
visitors  or  guests. 

Letters  of  introduction  should  never  be  sealed, 
and  should  bear  upon  the  envelope,  in  the  left  hand 
corner,  the  name  and  address  of  the  person  intro- 
duced. The  following  will  give  an  idea  of  an  ap- 
propriate form  for  a  letter  of  introduction: 

Neenah,  Wis,,  October  27, 18— 
"  J.  W.  Good,  Esq., 

"Dear  Sir:— 

"I  take  the  liberty  of  introducing  to  you  my 
esteemed  friend,  Miss.  Mary  E.  Edgarton,  who  con- 
templates spending  some  little  time  in  your  city. 
Any  attentions  you  may  find  it  possible  to  show  her 
during  her  stay,  will  be  considered  as  a  personal  fa- 
vor by  Yours  sincerely, 

"Mrs,  a  E.  Johnson." 

The  envelope  should  bear  the  following  super- 
scription: 


u 


162  LETTER  WRITING 


nccaao. 


Introducing  MUs  Mary  E.  Edgarton,  Neenah,  Wis. 


Letters  of  Friendship. 

The  style  proper  for  letters  to  friends  should  not 
be  too  formal;  nor  should  it  be  marked  by  too  great 
familiarity,  except  in  cases  where  a  rare  intimacy 
and  confidence  exist.  A  clear,  cheerfully  toned  epistle 
— talking  with  dignity  even  when  in  humor,  relat- 
ing nothing  of  impropriety  or  of  scandal,  and  con- 
veying the  very  spirit  of  kindliness — is  always  a 
"welcome  guest,"  and  will  do  to  be  read  aloud  to 
others,  will  do  to  be  preserved  and  read  in  after  years, 
will  enhance  your  friendship  and  add  to  your  satis- 
faction. Therefore  make  it  an  invariable  rule  to 
write  cheerfully,  honestly,  and  considerately — never 


LETTER  WRITING  163 

in  haste,  in  a  spirit  ef  petulance  or  anger,  or  in  a 
sinister  manner.  A  letter  of  this  character  should 
receive  an  early  reply,  yet  not  too  early,  as  that 
would  place  the  first  writer  too  soon  under  obliga- 
tions to  write  again. 

The  following  is  a  suitable  form  for  a  letter  of  this 
kind. 

Dixon,  III,  Feb.  10th,  18 

Respected  Madam: — 

I  would  be  wanting  in  gratitude 
did  I  not  express  to  you  my  thanks  for  your  excel- 
lent services  to  me;  I  came  here  a  giddy  girl, 
apt  to  be  misled  in  many  ways;  but  I  have  remem- 
bered your  admonitions  at  parting  \or,  have  pre- 
served your  maxims  of  conduct],  and  I  can  say  with 
truth  that  they  have  added  much  to  my  sense 
of  security  and  to  my  happiness.  Thus,  I  never 
keep  the  company  of  any  stranger;  I  never  write  to 
any  but  my  own  old  friends;  I  do  not  go  out  to 
evening-parties  except  in  the  company  with  some 
member  of  Mrs.  Smith's  family;  I  do  not  walk  the 
streets  idly,  nor  without  purpose;  I  seek  the  society 
of  those  older  than  myself,  and  try  to  learn  constant- 
ly from  what  I  see  and  hear. 

I  could  not  have  done  all  this,  had  you  not  so  earnest- 
ly impressed  it  upon  my  mind  and  heart  by  your 
kind  and  wise  remarks  to  me;  and  now,  I  pray  you 
to  accept  my  gratitude  and  thanks  for  your  influence 
over  me.     I  feel  that  it  will  be  an  influence  for  life, 


164  LETTER  WRITING 

and  may  Heaven  bless  you,  is  the  hearty  prayer  of 
Your  young  friend, 

Carrie  Ford. 

Another. 

Laurel  Hill  Grove. 
My  own  Dear  Clara  : — 

You  are  married !  Oh,  how  this 
sounds!  Another  claims  you — another  has  all  your 
first  thoughts,  all  your  warmest  love  and  sympath- 
ies; and  life  is  no  longer  to  you  what  it  has  been — 
a  sweet  dream  I  but  something  real,  thoughtful,  earn- 
est. 

Dear  Clara!  I  weep  for  you,  because  you  are  gone 
from  among  us — are  a  girl  no  longer ;  but  I  know 
you  are  happy  in  your  love,  that  you  have  chosen 
wisely,  and  I  have  but  to  say,  God  bless  you  forever 
and  forever ! 

May  there  be  few  of  life's  storms  and  tempests  for 
you,  but  much  of  its  summer  of  repose  and  sweet 
content,  and  may  he  who  has  won  your  pure  heart 
ever  be  worthy  of  it.  I  congratulate  you,  I  bless  you, 
I  pray  for  you. 

Your  own  loving  friend, 
Lillian. 
The  Family  Letter. 

Family  correspondence  is  a  great  social  privilege  as 
well  as  a  great  necessity.  It  brings  together  the 
divided  members  of  the  household,  and,  for  the 
while,  gives  home  a  place  in  their  hearts. 


LETTER  WHITING.  169 

this  kind,  because  they  are  those  most  frequently  to 
to  be  written.  They  should  be  marked,  1st;  by 
plainness  in  the  penmanship;  2d,  by  perfect  clear- 
ness of  meaning;  3d,  they  should  be  brief.  These 
virtues  will  insure  a  consideration  not  always  ac- 
corded to  long  illegible,  and  obscure  communica- 
tions. Let  the  style  be  marked  by  the  utmost  di- 
rectness; use  no  flowers  of  speech,  no  metaphor,  no 
rhetorical  graces;  they  are  out  of  place.  Use  plain 
Saxon  English;  say  just  what  you  ought  to  in  order 
to  give  your  order,  or  to  convey  your  wishes,  then 
stop. 

The  name  should  always  be  signed  in  full  to  a  let- 
ter of  whatever  character;  and  if  the  writer  be  a 
married  lady,  she  should  invariably,  except  in  the 
most  familiar  missives,  prefix  "Mrs."  to  her  name. 

An  elaborate  or  illegible  signature  intended  to 
make  an  impression  on  the  beholder  is  exceedingly 
snobbish. 

Directions. 

Use  a  commercial  note,  full  sheet.  Begin  by  writ- 
ing your  Town,  County,  State,  and  Date  (month, 
day,  and  year,)  at  full  length,  on  the  right,  upper 
part  of  the  sheet,  say  the  width  of  two  lines  from  the 
top.  Then  the  introductory  address  on  the  left  side 
of  the  sheet,  say  one  inch  from  the  edge  of  the  sheet 
and  one  line  below  the  post  address  and  date.  Com- 
mence your  communication,  one  line  below  the  in- 


170  LETTER  WRITING. 

troductory  address,  and  directly  perpendicular  to  its 
last  letter. 

Order  for  Books. 

South  Bend,  St.  Joe  Co.,  Ind., 

June  20, 18— 
J.  A.  Ruth  &  Co., 

Dear  Sirs: — 

Please  send  me  by    express, 
eighty-five  copies  of  Decorum. 

Enclosed,  find  money  order,  for  $17  00.    You 
will  please  collect  balance,  on  delivery  of  the  books. 

Yours  truly, 

S.  H.  Hanson. 

Making  Applicaiicm  for  Employ 

Oilman,  III,  Nov.  10th,  18— 

Sirs: — 

I  am  desirous  of  pursuing  a  mercantile  life, 
and  write  to  know  if  you  have  any  place  vacant  for 
a  "new  hand."  I  am  sixteen  years  of  age,  in  good 
health  and  strength,  and  can  produce  the  best  of  re- 
commendations as  to  my  good  moral  character.  If 
you  can  give  me  a  place  upon  trial,  I  will  be  at 
your  command  from  this  time.    An  answer  at  your 


LETTER  WBITING.  171 

earliest  convenience  will  much  oblige, 
Yours,  respectfully, 

O.  E.  Skinner. 

Letter  ashing  for  a  School. 

To   THE   DiEECTORS   OF  ScHOOL   DISTRICT       \ 

No.  4,  Hanna  Township,  Boone  Co.,  0.,  / 

Sirs  : — 

I  am  in  search  of  a  school  for  the  winter,  and 
offer  my  services  to  you.  I  have  taught  for  several 
seasons,  and  have  the  reputation  of  being  a  good 
teacher.  Of  course  I  have  my  certificate  of  qualifi- 
cation for  teaching  all  English  branches  required  in 
a  district  school.  My  recommendations  as  to  good 
character,  I  shall  be  pleased  to  submit  to  your  in- 
spection.   An  early  answer  will  much  oblige. 

Yours,  truly, 

Anna  Steele. 

Enclosing  Stamp. 

Always  be  sure  to  enclose  stamp  for  reply  upon 
every  occasion  when  the  business  is  your  own,  or 
where  a  favor  is  asked.  It  is  a  downright  insult  to 
ask  a  person  to  be  bothered  with  answering  your 
letters  and  to  pay  his  own  postage  for  the  privilege. 

Letters  of  Invitation. 
Letters  of  invitation  are  various  in  form,  accord- 


172  LETTER  WRITING. 

ing  to  the  various  occasions  which  call  them  forth.. 

An  invitation  to  a  large  party  or  ball  should  read 
as  follows: 

"Mrs.  Wolf  requests  the  pleasure  of  Miss  Web- 
sters'  company  at  a  ball  on  Thursday,  Jan.  8,  at  9 
o'clock." 

Invitations  to  a  ball  are  always  given  in  the  name 
of  the  lady  of  the  house. 

The  letter  of  acceptance  should  be  as  follows: 

"Miss  Webster  accepts  with  pleasure  Mrs.  Wolf's 
kind  invitation  for  Thursday,  Jan.  8." 

Or  if  it  is  impossible  to  attend,  a  note  something 
after  the  following  style  should  be  sent: 

"Miss  Webster  regrets  that  [whatever  may  be  the 
preventing  cause]  will  prevent  her  accepting  Mrs. 
Wolf's  kind  invitation  for  Jan.  8." 

Invitation  to  a  Party. 

The  invitation  to  a  large  party  is  similar  to  that 
for  a  ball,  only  the  words  "at  a  ball"  are  omitted  and 
the  hour  may  be  earlier.  The  notes  of  acceptance 
or  rejection  are  the  same  as  for  a  ball. 

Such  a  note  calls  for  full  evening-dress.  If  the 
party  is  a  small  one,  the  same  should  be  indicated 
in  the  note  by  putting  in  the  words  "to  a  small  even- 
ing-party," so  that  there  may  be  no  mistake  in  the 
matter. 

If  there  is  any  special  feature  which  is  to  give 
character  to  the  evening,  it  is  best  to  mention  this 
fact  in  the  note  of  invitation.     Thus  the  words  "mu- 


LETTER  WRITING  17S 

sical  party,"  "to  take  part  in  dramatic  readings,"  "to 
witness  amateur  theatricals,"  etc.,  should  be  inserted 
in  the  note.  If  there  are  programmes  for  the  enter- 
tainment, be  sure  to  enclose  one. 

Invitations  to  a  dinner-party  should  be  in  the 
name  of  both  host  and  hostess: 

Thus: 

Mr.  and  Mrs.  S.  S.  Hawkins,  request  the  pleasure 
of  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Sayles'  company  at  dinner,  on  Fri- 
day, Jan.  17,  at  —  o'clock.  A  note  of  acceptance  or 
refusal  should  be  at  once  returned. 

An  invitation  to  a  tea-drinking  need  not  be  so  for- 
mal. It  should  partake  more  of  the  nature  of  a 
friendly  note,  thus: 

"Dear  Miss  Anderson:  "We  have  some  friends 
coming  to  drink  tea  with  us  to-morrow;  will  you 
give  us  the  pleasure  of  your  company  also?  We 
hope  you  will  not  disappoint  us. 

Mrs.  Jane  Jones. 

Invitations  should  be  written  upon  small  note 
paper,  which  may  have  initial  or  monogram  stamp- 
ed upon  it. 

All  invitations  should  be  dated  at  the  top,  with 
address  written  legibly  at  the  bottom. 

The  body  of  the  invitation  should  be  in  the  mid- 
dle of  the  sheet,  the  date  above,  to  the  right,  the 
address  below,  to  the  left. 


174  LETTER  WHITING 

The  invitation  must  be  sent  to  the  private  resi- 
dence of  the  person  invited,  never  to  the  place  of 
business. 

Should  an  invitation  be  declined,  some  reason 
must  be  given,  the  true  cause — a  prior  engagement, 
a  contemplated  journey,  sickness,  domestic  trouble, 
or  whatever  it  may  be — being  stated  clearly  and 
concisely,  so  that  the  hostess  shall  have  no  possible 
occasion  for  offence.  This  refusal  should  be  dis- 
patched as  quickly  as  possible,  so  that  the  hostess 
may  have  time  to  supply  the  vacant  place. 

An  invitation  once  accepted,  and  an  engagement 
made  to  dinner,  should  be  sacredly  observed.  Only 
the  most  imperative  necessity  will  justify  its  being 
broken.  And  in  that  case  tlie  fact  must  be  commu- 
nicated directly  with  a  full  explanation  to  the  host- 
ess. If  it  is  too  late  to  supply  your  place,  it  may  at 
least  be  in  time  to  prevent  dinner  waiting  on  your 
account. 

The  style  of  wedding  invitations  differs  with 
changing  fashions,  so  that  there  can  be  no  impera- 
tive rule  laid  down.  The  same  may  be  said  regard- 
ing funerals. 

General  Advice  to  Letter  Writers. 

In  writing  it  is  necessary  to  endeavor  to  make  our 
style  clear,  precise,  elegant,  and  appropriate  for  all 
subjects.  Vivacity  of  discourse  forces  us  frequently 
to  sacrifice  happy  though  tardy  expressions,  to 
the  necessity  of  avoiding  hesitation;  but  what  is 


LETTER  WRITING  175 

thus  an  obstacle  in  speaking,  does  not  interfere  with 
the  use  of  the  pen.  We  ought  therefore,  to  avoid 
repetitions,  erasures,  insertions,  omissions,  and  con- 
fusion of  ideas,  or  labored  construction.  If  we  write 
a  familiar  letter  to  an  equal  or  a  friend,  these  blem- 
ishes may  remain;  if  otherwise,  we  must  commence 
our  letter  again. 

An  "ornamental"  handwriting  is  a  nuisance. 
What  with  flourishes  and  extraneous  appendages, 
the  reader  is  continually  distracted  from  the  text  to 
the  characters,  and  generally  ends  by  wishing  the 
writer  had  used  better  taste  in  his  chirography.  A 
master  who  teaches  any  thing  but  making  neat, 
plain  handwriting,  is  not  fit  for  a  teacher. 

In  business  and  ceremonious  letters  do  not  write 
on  both  sides  of  the  page. 

Be  very  sparing  in  your  underlining  of  words. 
Most  letters  need  no  italibs  whatever,  and  to  empha- 
size words  in  every  line  by  underscoring  makes  the 
whole  letter  weak,  if  not  ridiculous.    , 

Letters  should  be  directed  in  a  clear,  large  hand 
to  the  person  for  whom  they  are  intended.  If  they 
are  to  be  in  the  care  of  some  one  else,  let  that  be  ad- 
ded after  the  name  or  in  the  lower  left-hand  corner 
of  the  letter. 

Letters  are  indices  of  the  taste  as  well  as  of  the 
mind  of  the  writer.  They  express  his  thoughts  and 
his  feelings,  their  manner  almost  invariably  marks 
the  spirit  and  temper  of  their  author.  How  import- 
ant, then,  that  they  should  be  conceived  in  kind- 


176  LETTER  WETTING. 

ness,  tempered  with  truthfulness,  and  spoken  in 
earnestness!  It  is  too  frequently  the  case  that  per- 
sons sit  down  to  write — "upon  the  spur  of  the  mo- 
ment"— when  some  incident,  or  piece  of  news,  or 
some  moment  of  impatience,  fires  the  pen  with  a 
feeling  which  is  very  apt  to  find  expression  in  too 
hasty  words — which  affect  the  distant  reader  very 
unpleasantly,  or  which  needlessly  wound  feelint.j 
and  stir  up  acrimony.  It  is  best,  in  almost  every 
case,  to  write  when  thought  and  feeling  have  been 
sobered  by  reflection;  and  then  it  is  for  the  best  to 
eschew  personalities,  harsh  expressions,  unpleasant 
allusions,  for,  once  written  they  can  not  he  recalled — 
they  then  become  matters  of  record.  Therefore  be- 
ware, and  be  even  over-cautious,  rather  than  not  cau- 
tious enough,  for  a  letter  may  serve  as  a  sure  witness 
in  cases  where  you  might  never  suppose  it  could  be 
used.  It  may  live  and  bear  testimony  for  years — it 
does  not  change  with  time  or  circumstance — it  is  a 
warrantee  deed  of  whose  responsibility  you  can  nev- 
er be  free. 


CHAPTER  XIV. 
CO  UB TSHIP  AND  MABBIA  QE. 

Our  humbler  province  is  to  tend  the  fair. 
Not  a  less  pleasing,  though  less  glorious  care. 

Pope. 

IN  point  of  fact,  women  certainly  constitute  the 
most  general  consideration  in  life;  in  point  of 
necessity,  perhaps  the  most  important  one.  In  every 
age  and  country,  they  occupy  vastly  the  larger  por- 
tion of  men's  thoughts.  The  class  of  common  men 
dedicate  to  them  their  lives;  and  to  ambition,  busi- 
ness or  amusement,  they  are  but  the  truants  of  an 
hour.  The  boy  dreams  of  them  as  the  ministers  of 
a  delight,  dim  but  delicious,  inexplicable  but  im- 
mense ;  the  man  thinks  of  them  as  the  authors  of  a 
pleasure,  placid  yet  poignant ;  the  old  turn  towards 
them  as  the  sources  of  that  comfort  which  is  the 
only  paradise  of  age.  To  gain  the  favor  of  a  race, 
whose  attractions  are  so  universal  and  so  various, 
must  be  admitted  to  be  an  art  that  is  worth  some 
attention. 

12 


178  CO  UB  TSHIP  AND  MABBIA  GE. 

'  Charms  for  Procuring  Love. 

Anciently,  taiismaus  and  charms  were  relied  on 
for  procuring  love ;  "  but  it  is  now  many  years  since 
the  only  talismans  for  creating  love  are  the  charms 
of  the  person  beloved,"  By  gracefully  displaying 
those  advantages  which  nature  has  given,  and  by 
diligently  cultivating  the  graces  which  art  can  be 
stow,  every  man  may  reasonably  hope  to  succeed  in 
whatever  aspirations  he  may  form  in  this  direction. 
In  this  field,  moral  qualities  prevail  far  more  than 
physical ;  and  while  few  men  are  possessed  of  those 
attractions  of  form  and  face  which  sometimes  are 
successful,  all  may  hope  to  acquire  those  qualifica- 
tions of  character,  understanding  and  manners, 
which  more  often  win  the  esteem  of  woman. 

A  Woman's  Judgment. 
A  Woman's  common  judgment  upon  this  matter 
has  been  accurately  expressed  by  Gibber  when  he 
places  in  a  woman's  mouth,  the  remark,  that  "the 
only  merit  of  a  man  is  his  sense,  while  doubtless  the 
greatest  value  of  a  woman  is  her  beauty."  Beauty, 
unquestionably,  is  the  master-charm  of  that  sex,  and 
it  is  felt  to  be  so  by  themselves.  But  while  we  ob- 
serve its  value,  we  cannot  but  ponder  on  its  dangers. 
Their  glory  is  so  often  their  ruin,  that  what  they 
make  their  boast  were  better  called  their  curse. 

Love  and  Marriage. 

This  marriasre  Is  a  terrible  thing ; 

'Tis  like  that  well-knovrn  trick  in  the  ring 


CO  UBTSHIP  AND  MABBIA  GE,  179 

Where  one  of  a  famed  equestrian  troup 
Makes  a  leap  through  a  golden  hoop, 
Not  knowing  at  all  what  may  befall 
After  hia  getting  through  It.— Thomas  Hood. 

Usages  op  Society. 

At  first  sight  it  would  appear  as  if  both  love  and 
marriage  were  beyond  the  rules  of  etiquette;  but  it 
is  not  so.  In  society  we  must  conform  to  the  usages 
of  society,  even  in  the  tender  emotions  of  the  heart. 

Love  a  Universal  Passion. 

Love  is  the  universal  passion.  We  are  all,  at  one 
time  or  other,  conjugating  the  verb  amo. 

"He  that  feels 
No  love  for  women,  has  no  heart  for  them. 
Nor  friendship  or  affection!  he  is  foe 
To  all  the  finer  feelings  of  the  soul; 
And  to  sweet  Nature's  holiest,  tenderest  ties, 
A  heartless  renegade." 

A  Lady's  Position. 

A  lady's  choice  is  only  negative — ^that  is  to  say, 
she  may  love,  but  she  cannot  declare  her  love;  she 
must  wait.  It  is  hers,  when  the  time  comes,  to  con- 
sent or  to  decline,  but  till  the  time  comes  she  must 
be  passive.  And  whatever  may  be  said  in  jest  or 
sarcasm  about  it,  this  trial  of  a  woman's  patience  is 
often  very  hard  to  bear. 

A  Gentleman's  Position. 
.    A  man  may,  and  he  will  learn  his  fate  at  once, 


180  COURTSHIP  AND  MARRIAGE. 

openly  declare  his  passion,  and  obtain  his  answer. 
In  this  he  has  great  advantage  over  the  lady.  Being 
refused,  he  may  go  elsewhere  to  seek  a  mate,  if  he 
be  in  the  humor;  try  his  fortune  again,  and  mayhap 
be  the  lucky  drawer  of  a  princely  prize. 

To  a  gentleman  seeking  a  partner  for  life,  we 
would  say — look  to  it,  that  you  be  not  entraped  by  a 
beautiful  face. 


"Regard  not  the  flgrure,  young  man;  look  at  the  heart: 
The  heart  of  a  woman  is  sometimes  deformed." 


Conduct  of  a  Gentleman  toward  Ladies. 


^ 


A  gentleman  whose  thoughts  are  not  upon  mar- 
riage should  not  pay  too  exclusive  attentions  to  any 
one  lady.  He  may  call  upon  all  and  extend  invita- 
tions to  any  or  all  to  attend  public  places  of  amuse- 
ment with  him,  or  may  act  as  their  escort  on  occa- 
sions, and  no  one  of  the  many  has  any  right  to  feel 
herself  injured.  But  as  soon  as  he  neglects  oth- 
ers to  devote  himself  to  a  single  lady  he  gives  that 
lady  reason  to  suppose  he  is  particularly  attracted 
to  her,  and  there  is  danger  of  her  feelings  becoming 
engaged. 

Conduct  op  a  Lady  toward  Gentlemen. 

Neither  should  a  young  lady  allow  marked  atten- 
tions from  any  one  to  whom  she  is  not  especially 
attracted,  for  several  reasons:  one,  that  she  may  not 
do  an  injury  to  the  gentleman  in  seeming  to  give  his 


CO  UR TSHIP  AND  MABBIA  GE.  181 

suit  encouragement,  another,  that  she  may  not 
harm  herself  in  keeping  aloof  from  her  those  whom 
she  might  like  better,  but  who  will  not  approach  her 
under  the  mistaken  idea  that  her  feelings  are  al- 
ready interested.  A  young  lady  will  on  no  account 
encourage  the  address  of  one  whom  she  perceives  to 
be  seriously  interested  in  her  unless  she  feels  it  pos- 
sible that  in  time  she  may  be  able  to  return  his  af- 
fections. The  prerogative  of  proposing  lies  with 
man,  but  the  prerogative  of  refusing  lies  with  wom- 
an; and  this  prerogative  a  lady  of  tact  and  kind 
heart  can  and  will  exercise  before  her  suitor  is 
brought  to  the  humiliation  of  a  direct  offer.  She 
may  let  him  see  that  she  receives  with  equal  favor 
attentions  from  others,  and  she  may  check  in  a  kind 
but  firm  manner  his  too  frequent  visits.  She  should 
try,  while  discouraging  him  as  a  lover,  to  still  retain 
him  as  a  friend. 

A  young  man  who  has  used  sufficient  delicacy 
and  deliberation  in  this  matter,  and  who,  moreover, 
is  capable  of  taking  a  hint  when  it  is  offered  him, 
need  not  go  to  the  length  of  a  declaration  when  a 
refusal  only  awaits  him. 

Premature  Declaration. 
It  is  very  injudicious,  not  to  say  presumptuous 
for  a  gentleman  to  make  a  proposal  to  a  young  lady 
on  a  brief  acquaintance.  He  may  be  perfectly  sat- 
isfied as  to  her  merits, but  how  can  he  imagine  him- 
self so  attractive  as  to  suppose  her  equally  satisfied 


182  CO  UB TSHIP  AND  MABBIA  GE. 

on  her  part?  A  lady  who  would  accept  a  gentleman 
at  first  sight  can  hardly  possess  the  discretion  need- 
ed to  make  her  a  good  wife.  Therefore,  impatient 
and  impassioned  young  man,  nurse  your  ardor  for  a 
while  unless  you  wish  to  ensure  for  yourself  disap- 
pointment. 

Love  at  First  Sight. 

No  doubt  there  is  such  a  thing  as  love  at  first 
sight,  but  love  alone  is  a  very  uncertain  foundation 
upon  which  to  base  marriage.  There  should  be  thor- 
ough acquaintanceship  and  a  certain  knowledge  of 
harmony  of  tastes  and  temperaments  before  matri- 
mony is  ventured  upon. 

Trifling  with  a  Man's  Feelings. 

Some  young  ladies  pride  themselves  upon  the  con- 
quests which  they  make,  and  would  not  scruple 
to  sacrifice  the  happiness  of  an  estimable  person  to 
their  reprehensible  vanity.  Let  this  be  far  from 
you.  If  you  see  clearly  that  you  have  become  an 
object  of  especial  regard  to  a  gentleman,  and  do  not 
wish  to  encourage  his  addresses,  treat  him  honora- 
bly and  humanely,  as  you  hope  to  be  used  with  gen- 
erosity by  the  person  who  may  engage  your  own 
heart.  Do  not  let  him  linger  in  suspense;  but  take 
the  earliest  opportunity  of  carefully  making  known 
your  feelings  on  the  subject.  This  may  be  done  in 
a  variety  of  ways.  A  refined  ease  of  manner  will 
satisfy  him,  if  he  has  any  discernment,  that  his  ad- 


COUBTSHIP  AND  MARBIAOE.  183 

dresses  will  not  be  acceptable.  Should  your  natural 
disposition  render  this  difficult,  show  that  you  wish 
to  avoid  his  company,  and  he  will  presently  with- 
draw; but  if  even  this  is  difficult — and  who  can  lay 
down  rules  for  another? — allow  an  opportunity  for 
explanation  to  occur.  You  can  then  give  him  a  po- 
lite and  decisive  answer;  and  be  assured  that,  in 
whatever  manner  you  convey  your  sentiments  to 
him,  if  he  be  a  man  of  delicacy  and  right  feeling, 
he  will  trouble  you  no  further.  Let  it  never  be  said 
of  you,  that  you  permit  the  attentions  of  an  honora- 
ble man  when  you  have  no  heart  to  give  him;  or 
that  you  have  trifled  with  the  affections  of  one  whom 
you  perhaps  esteem,  although  you  resolve  never  to 
marry  him.  It  may  be  that  his  preference  gratifies 
and  his  conversation  interests  you;  that  you  are  flat- 
tered by  the  attentions  of  a  man  whom  some  of  your 
companions  admire;  and  that,  in  truth,  you  hardly 
know  your  own  mind  on  the  subject.  This  will  not 
excuse  you.  Every  young  woman  ought  to  know 
the  state  of  her  own  heart;  and  yet  the  happiness  and 
future  prospects  of  many  an  excellent  man  have 
been  sacrificed  by  such  unprincipled  conduct. 

A  Poor  Triumph. 
It  is  a  poor  triumph  for  a  young  lady  to  say,  or 
to  feel,  that  she  has  refused  five,  ten,  or  twenty  offers 
of  marriage;  it  is  about  the  same  as  acknowledging 
herself  a  trifler  and  coquette,  who,  from  motives  of 
personal  vanity,  tempts  and  induces  hopes  and  ex- 


184  [CO  UM TSHIP  AND  MABBIA GE. 

pectations  which  she  has  predetermined  shall  be  dis- 
appointed. ,  Such  a  course  is,  to  a  certain  degree, 
both  unprincipled  and  immodest. 

A  Still  Greater  Crime. 

It  is  a  still  greater  crime  when  a  man  conveys  the 
impression  that  he  is  in  love,  by  actions,  gallantries, 
looks,  attentions,  all — except  that  he  never  commits 
himself — and  finally  withdraws  his  devotions,  exult- 
ing in  the  thought  that  he  has  said  or  written  noth- 
ing which  can  legally  bind  him. 

The  Rejected  Lover. 
Remember  that  if  a  gentleman  makes  a  lady  an 
offer,  she  has  no  right  to  speak  of  it.  If  she  possess 
either  generosity  or  gratitude  for  offered  affection, 
she  will  not  betray  a  secret  which  does  not  belong  to 
her.  It  is  sufficiently  painful  to  be  refused,  without 
incurring  the  additional  mortification  of  being 
pointed  out  as  a  rejected  lover. 

Duty  op  a  Rejected  Suitor. 

The  duty  of  the  rejected  suitor  is  quite  clear.  Et- 
iquette demands  that  he  shall  accept  the  lady's  de- 
cision as  final  and  retire  from  the  field.  He  has  no 
right  to  demand  the  reason  of  her  refusal.  If  she 
assign  it,  he  is  bound  to  respect  her  secret,  if  it  is 
one,  and  to  hold  it  inviolable. 

To  persist  in  urging  his  suit  or  to  follow  up  the 
lady  with  marked  attentions  would  be  in  the  worst 


COURTSHIP  AND  MABBIAQE.  185 

possible  taste.  The  proper  course  is  to  withdraw  as 
much  as  possible  from  the  circles  in  which  she 
moves,  so  that  she  may  be  spared  reminiscences 
which  cannot  be  other  than  painfull 

Unmanly  Conduct. 
Kejected  suitors  sometimes  act  as  if  they  had  re- 
ceived injuries  they  were  bound  to  avenge,  and  so 
take  every  opportunity  of  annoying  or  slighting  the 
helpless  victims  of  their  former  attentions.  Such 
conduct  is  cowardly  and  unmanly,  to  say  noth- 
ing of  its  utter  violation  of  good  breeding. 

Encouraging  the  Address  of  a  Geneleman. 

If  you  encourage  the  addresses  of  a  deserving 
man,  behave  honorably  and  sensibly.  Do  not  lead 
liim  about  as  if  in  triumph:  nor  take  advantage  of 
the  ascendency  which  you  have  gained  by  playing 
with  his  feelings.  Do  not  seek  for  occasions  to  tease 
him,  that  you  may  try  his  temper;  neither  affect  in- 
difference; nor  provoke  lovers'  quarrels,  for  the  fool- 
ish pleasure  of  reconciliation.  On  your  conduct 
during  courtship  will  very  much  depend  the  esti- 
mation in  which  you  will  be  held  by  your  husband 
in  after  life. 

Proposal  of  Marriage. 

The  mode  in  which  the  avowal  of  love  should  be 
made,  must  of  course,  depend  upon  circumstances. 
It  would  be  impossible  to  indicate  the  style  in  which 


186  COURTSHIP  AND  MAEBIAGE. 

the  matter  should  be  told.  The  heart  and  the  head 
— the  best  and  truest  partners — suggest  the  most 
proper  fashion.  Station,  power,  talent,  wealth,  com- 
plexion; all  have  much  to  do  with  the  matter;  they 
must  all  be  taken  into  consideration  in  a  formal  re- 
quest for  a  lady's  hand.  If  the  communication  be 
made  by  letter,  the  utmost  care  should  be  taken  that 
the  proposal  be  clearly,  simply,  and  honestly  stated. 
Every  allusion  to  the  lady  should  be  made  with  mark- 
ed respect.  Let  it,  however,  be  taken  as  a  rule  that 
an  interview  is  best;  but  let  it  be  remembered  that 
all  rules  have  exceptions. 

Forms  for  Proposals. 

As  to  the  exact  words  there  is  no  set  formula,  un- 
less we  accept  those  laid  down  in  Dickens'  novel  of 
David  Copperfield — "Barkis  is  willin." 

Trollope  says  on  this  subject:  "We  are  inclined 
to  think  that  these  matters  are  not  always  discussed 
by  mortal  lovers  in  the  poetically  passionate  phrase- 
ology which  is  generally  thought  to  be  appropriate 
for  this  description.  A  man  cannot  well  describe 
that  which  he  has  never  seen  or  heard,  but  the  ab- 
solute words  and  acts  of  one  such  scene  did  once 
come  to  the  author's  knowledge.  The  couple  were 
by  no  means  plebeian  or  below  the  proper  standard 
of  high  bearing  and  high  breeding;  they  were  a 
handsome  pair,  living  among  educated  people,  suffi- 
ciently given  to  mental  pursuits,  and  in  every  way 
what  a  pair  of  polite  lovers  ought  to  be.    The  all- 


CO  UR  TSHIP  AND  MABBIA  GE.  187 

important  conversation  passed  in  this  wise.  The 
site  of  the  passionate  scene  was  the  sea-shore,  on 
which  they  were  walking,  in  autumn: 

"Gentleman. — 'Well,  miss,  the  long  and  the  short 
of  if  is  this:  here  I  am;  you  can  take  me  or  leave 
me.' 

"Lady  (scratching  a  gutter  on  the  sand  with  her 
parasol,  so  as  to  allow  a  little  salt  water  to  run  out 
of  one  hole  into  another). — 'Of  course  I  know  that's 
all  nonsense.' 

"  Gentleman. — 'Nonsense !  By  Jove,  it  isn't  non- 
sense at  all!  Come,  Jane,  here  I  am;  come,  at  any 
rate  you  can  say  something.' 

"Lady. — 'Yes,  I  suppose  I  can  say  something.' 

"Gentleman. — 'Well,  which  is  it  to  be — take  me  or 
leave  me?' 

"Lady  (very  slowly,  and  with  a  voice  perhaps 
hardly  articulate,  carrying  on,  at  the  same  time,  her 
engineering  works  on  a  wider  scale). — 'Well,  I  dont 
exactly  want  to  leave  you.' 

"And  so  the  matter  was  settled — settled  with 
much  propriety  and  satisfaction;  and  both  the  lady 
and  gentleman  would  have  thought,  had  they  ever 
thought  about  the  matter  at  all,  that  this,  the 
sweetest  moment  of  their  lives,  had  been  graced  by 
all  the  poetry  by  which  such  moments  ought  to  be 
hallowed." 

Proposal  Accepted. 
Supposing  the  gentleman  to  be  accepted  by  the 


188  CO  UR  TSHIP  AND  MABBIA  GU. 

lady  of  his  heart,  he  is,  of  course,  recognized  hence- 
forth as  one  of  the  family. 

The  family  of  the  engaged  lady  should  endeavor 
to  make  the  suitor  feel  that  he  is  at  home,  however 
protracted  his  visits  may  be. 

Protracted  Engaqements. 

But  protracted  courtship,  or  engagements,  are  if 
possible,  to  be  avoided;  they  are  universally  embar- 
rassing. Lovers  are  so  apt  to  find  out  imperfections 
in  each  other-to  grow  exacting,  jealous,  and  morose. 

"Alas !  how  slight  a  cause  can  move 
Dissension  between  hearts  that  love." 

"Asking  Papa." 

When  a  gentleman  is  accepted  by  the  lady  of  his 
choice,  the  next  thing  in  order  is  to  go  at  once  to  her 
parents  for  their  approval.  In  presenting  his  suit 
to  them  he  should  remember  that  it  is  not  from  the 
sentimental  but  the  practical  side  that  they  will  re- 
gard the  affair.  Therefore,  after  describing  the  state 
of  his  affections  in  as  calm  a  manner  as  possible, 
and  perhaps  hinting  that  their  daughter  is  not  in- 
different to  him,  let  him  at  once  frankly,  without 
waiting  to  be  questioned,  give  an  account  of  his  pe- 
cuniary resources  and  his  general  prospects  in  life, 
in  order  that  the  parents  may  judge  whether 4ie  can 
properly  provide  for  a  wife  and  possible  family.  A 
pertinent  anecdote  was  recently  going,  the  rounds  of 


COURTSHIP  AND  MARRIAGE.  189 

the  newspapers.  A  father  asked  a  young  man  who 
had  applied  to  him  for  his  daughter's  hand  how 
much  property  he  had.  "None,"  he  replied,  but  he 
was  "chock  full  of  days'  work."  The  anecdote  con- 
cluded by  saying  that  he  got  the  girl.  And  we  be- 
lieve all  sensible  fathers  would  sooner  bestow  their 
daughters  upon  industrious,  energetic  young  men 
who  are  not  afraid  of  days'  work  than  upon  idle 
loungers  with  a  fortune  at  their  command. 

An  Engagement  Ring. 

After  the  engagement  is  made  between  the  couple 
and  ratified  by  the  parents,  it  is  customary  in  polite 
society  for  the  young  man  to  affix  the  seal  of  this 
engagement  by  some  present  to  his  affianced.  This 
present  is  usually  a  ring,  and  among  the  wealthy  it 
may  be  of  diamonds — a  solitaire  or  cluster — and  as 
expensive  as  the  young  man's  means  will  justify. 
The  ring  is  not  necessarily  a  diamond  one;  it  may 
be  of  other  stones  or  it  may  be  an  heirloom  in  his 
family,  precious  more  because  of  its  associations  an- 
tiquity and  quaintness  than  from  its  actual  money- 
value. 

All  lovers  cannot  afford  to  present  their  lady-loves 
with  diamond  rings,  but  all  are  able  to  give  them 
some  little  token  of  their  regard  which  will  be  cher- 
ished for  their  sakes,  and  which  will  serve  as  a  me- 
mento of  a  very  happy  past  to  the  end  of  life.  The 
engagement  ring  should  be  worn  upon  the  ring 
finger  of  the  right  hand. 


190  COUETSHIP  AND  MABBIAQE. 

The  Relations  op  an  Engaged  Couple. 

Neither  should  assume  a  masterful  or  jealous  at- 
titude toward  the  other.  They  are  neither  of  them 
to  be  shut  up  away  from  the  rest  of  the  world,  but 
must  mingle  in  society  after  marriage  nearly  the 
same  as  before,  and  take  the  same  delight  in  friend- 
ship. The  fact  that  they  have  confessed  their  love 
to  each  other  ought  to  be  deemed  a  sufficient  guar- 
antee of  faithfulness;  for  the  rest  let  there  be  trust 
and  confidence. 

Demonstrations  of  Affection. 

It  may  be  well  to  hint  that  a  lady  should  not  be 
too  demonstrative  of  her  affection  during  the  days 
of  her  engagement.  There  is  always  the  chance  of 
a  slip  'twixt  the  cup  and  the  lip;  and  overt  demon- 
strations of  love  are  not  pleasant  to  remember  by  a 
young  lady  if  the  man  to  whom  they  are  given  by 
any  chance  fails  to  become  her  husband. 

An  honorable  man  will  never  tempt  his  future 
bride  to  any  such  demonstration.  He  will  always 
maintain  a  respectful  and  decorous  demeanor  to- 
ward her. 

Keeping  Late  Hours. 

Very  few  young  men  comprehend  the  real  pain 
and  inconvenience  they  Ov^casion  to  the  lady  of  their 
choice  when  they  keep  her  up  to  untoward  hours, 


COURTSHIP  AND  MABBIAGE.  191 

and  subject  her,  in  consequence,  to  the  ridicule  and 
censure  of  others. 

It  is  not  inappropriate  to  sometimes  leave  an  en- 
gaged couple  by  themselves,  but  that  they  should 
always  be  so  left,  under  all  circumstances  and  no 
matter  at  what  inconvenience  to  others,  is  as  absurd 
as  it  is  indelicate. 

A  Domineering  Lover. 

No  lover  will  assume  a  domineering  attitude  over 
his  future  wife.  If  he  does  so,  she  will  do  well  to 
escape  from  his  thrall  before  she  becomes  his  wife 
in  reality.  A  domineering  lover  will  be  certain  to 
be  still  more  domineering  as  a  husband;  and  from 
all  such  the  prayer  of  wise  women  is,  "Good  Lord, 
deliver  us!" 

Breaking  an  Engagement. 

"Sometimes  it  is  necessary  to  break  off  an  engage- 
ment. Many  circumstances  will  justify  this.  In- 
deed, anything  which  may  occur  or  be  discovered 
which  shall  promise  to  render  the  marriage  an  un- 
suitable or  unhappy  one  is  and  should  be  accepted 
as  justification  for  such  a  rupture.  Still  breaking 
an  engagement  is  always  a  serious  and  distressing 
thing,  and  ought  not  to  be  contemplated  without 
absolute  and  just  reasons. 

Whichever  is  the  acting  party  in  the  matter  must 
necessarily  feel  his  or  her  position  one  of  great  deli- 
cacy and  embarrassment.     The  step  must  be  taken 


192  COURTSHIP  AND  MARRIAGE. 

firmly  yet  gently,  and  everything  done  to  soften  the 
blow  to  the  other  party. 

Breaking  an  Engagement  by  Lettrr. 

It  is  generally  best  to  break  an  engagement  by 
letter.  By  this  means  one  can  express  himself  or 
herself  more  clearly,  and  give  the  true  reasons  for 
his  or  her  course  much  better  than  in  a  personal  in- 
terview. The  letter  breaking  the  engagement 
should  be  accompanied  by  everything  in  the  way  of 
portraits,  letters  or  gifts  which  have  been  received 
during  the  engagement. 

Acknowledging  such  Letter. 

Such  a  letter  should  be  acknowledged  in  a  dig- 
nified manner,  and  no  efforts  should  be  made  or 
measures  be  taken  to  change  the  decision  of 
the  writer  unless  it  is  manifest  that  he  or  she  is 
greatly  mistaken  in  his  or  her  premises.  A  simi- 
lar return  of  letters,  portraits  and  gifts  should  be 
made," 

The  Marriage  Ceremony. 

The  marriage  ceremony  varies  with  the  fortunes 
and  wishes  of  those  interested. 

In  regard  to  the  form  of  the  rite,  no  specific  direc- 
tions are  necessary ;  for  those  who  are  to  be  married 
by  ministers,  will  study  the  form  of  their  particular 
church — the  Methodists  their  "Book  of  Discipline," 
the  Episcopalians  their  ''^Book  of  Common  Prayer," 


CO  UB  TSHIP  AND  MABBIA  GE.  193 

the  Catholics  their  Ritual,  etc.,  etc.  In  most  cases 
a  rehearsal  of  the  ceremony  is  made  in  private,  that 
the  pair  may  the  more  perfectly  understand  the  ne- 
cessary forms.  If  the  parties  are  to  be  wedded  by 
a  magistrate,  the  ceremony  is  almost  nominal — it  is 
a  mere  repetition  of  a  vow.  The  Catholic  and  Epis- 
copal forms  have  the  most  ceremony,  and  doubtless 
are  the  most  impressive,  though  no  more  effectual- 
ly marrying  than  the  simplest  form. 

General  Rules. 

There  are,  however;  some  generally  received  rules 
which  govern  this  momentous  and  interesting  occa- 
sion, and  to  these  we  refer  all  interested. 

When  the  wedding  is  not  strictly  in  private,  it  is 
customary  for  bridesmaids  and  groomsmen  to  be 
chosen  to  assist  in  the  duties  of  the  occasion. 
'  The  bridesmaids  should  be  younger  than  the  bride; 
their  dresses  should  be  conformed  to  hers;  they 
should  not  be  any  more  expensive,  though  they  are 
permitted  more  ornament.  They  are  generally  chos- 
en of  light,  graceful  material;  flowers  are  the  princi- 
pal decoration. 

The  bride's  dress  is  marked  by  simplicity.  But 
few  jewels  or  ornaments  should  be  worn,  and  those 
should  be  the  gift  of  the  bridegroom  or  parents.  A 
veil  and  garland  are  the  distinguishing  features  of 
the  dress. 

The  bridesmaids  assist  in  dressing  the  bride,  re- 
ceiving the  company,  etc;  and,  at  the  time  of  the 

13 


194  CO  UB TSHIP  AND  MABBIA  QE. 

ceremony,  stand  at  her  left  side,  the  first  bridesmaid 
holding  the  bouquet  and  gloves. 

The  groomsmen  receive  the  clergyman,  present 
him  to  the  couple  to  be  married,  and  support  tho 
bridegroom  upon  the  right,  during  the  ceremony. 

Congratulations  after  the  Ceremony. 

If  it  is  an  evening  wedding,  at  home  immediately 
after  "these  twain  are  made  one,"  they  are  congrat- 
ulated: first  by  the  relatives,  then  by  the  friends,  re- 
ceiving the  good  wishes  of  all;  after  which,  they  are 
at  liberty  to  leave  their  formal  position,  and  mingle 
with  the  company.  The  dresses,  supper,  etc.,  are 
usually  more  festive  and  gay  than  for  a  morning 
wedding  and  reception,  where  the  friends  stop  for  a 
few  moments  only,  to  congratulate  the  newly-mar 
ried  pair,  taste  the  cake  and  wine  and  hurry  away. 

Ceremony  in  Church. 

When  the  ceremony  is  performed  in  church,  the 
bride  enters  at  the  left,  with  her  father,  mother,  and 
bridesmaids;  or,  at  all  events,  with  a  bridesmaid. 
The  groom  enters  at  the  right,  followed  by  his  attend- 
ants. The  parents  stand  behind,  the  attendants  at 
either  side. 

The  bride  should  be  certain  that  her  glove  is  read- 
ily removable;  the  groom,  that  the  ring  is  where  he 
can  find  it,  to  avoid  delay  and  embarrassment. 


CO  UB  TSHIP  AND  MABBIA  GE.  195 

Leaving  the  Church. 

When  they  leave  the  church,  the  newly-married 
couple  walk  arm-in-arm.  They  have  usually  a  re- 
ception of  a  couple  of  hours  at  home,  for  their  inti- 
mate friends,  then  a  breakfast,  then  leave  upon  the 
"bridal  tour." 

Marriage-fees. 

A  rich  man  may  give  to  the  officiating  clergyman 
any  sum  from  five  dollars  to  five  hundred,  according 
as  his  liberality  dictates.  A  person  of  moderate 
means  may  give  from  five  dollars  to  twenty. 

Let  Joy  be  Unconfined. 

On  such  festive  occasions,  all  appear  in  their  best 
attire,  and  assume  their  best  manners.  Peculiari- 
ties that  pertain  to  past  days,  or  have  been  unwarily 
adopted,  should  be  guarded  against;  mysteries  con- 
cerning knives,  forks,  and  plates,  or  throwing  "an 
old  shoe"  after  the  bride,  are  highly  reprehensible, 
and  have  long  been  exploded.  Such  practices  may 
seem  immaterial,  but  they  are  not  so.  Stranger 
guests  often  meet  at  a  wedding  breakfast ;  and  the 
good  breeding  of  the  family  may  be  somewhat  com- 
promised by  neglect  in  small  things. 

The  Wedding  Breakfast. 

If  the  lady  appears  at  breakfast,  which  is  certainly 
desirable,  she  occupies,  with  her  husband,  the  center 


196  CO  UB  TSHIP  AND  3IABBIA  GE. 

of  the  table,  and  sits  by  his  side — her  father  and 
mother  taking  the  top  and  bottom,  and  showing  all 
honor  to  their  guests.  When  the  cake  has  been  cut^ 
and  every  one  is  helped — when,  too,  the  health  of 
the  bride  and  bridegroom  has  been  drunk,  and  every 
compliment  and  kind  wish  has  been  duly  proffered 
and  acknowledged — the  bride,  attended  by  her 
friends,  withdraws;  and  when  ready  for  her  depar- 
ture the  newly-married  couple  start  off  on  their  wed- 
ding journey,  generally  about  two  or  three  o'clock, 
and  the  rest  of  the  company  shortly  afterward  take 
their  leave. 

Sending  Cards. 

In  some  circles  it  is  customary  to  send  cards  almost 
immediately  to  friends  and  relations,  mentioning  at 
what  time  and  hour  the  newly-married  couple  ex- 
pect to  be  called  upon.  Some  little  inconvenience 
occasionally  attends  this  custom,  as  young  people 
may  wish  to  exteild  their  wedding  tour  beyond  the 
time  first  mentioned,  or,  if  they  go  abroad,  delays 
may  unavoidably  occur.  It  is  therefore  better  to 
postpone  sending  cards,  for  a  short  time  at  least. 

Wedding  Cards. 
Fashions  change  continually  with  regard  to  wed- 
ding cards.  A  few  years  since  they  were  highly  or- 
namented, and  fantastically  tied  together;  now  sil- 
ver-edged cards  are  fashionable;  but,  unquestiona- 
bly, the  plainer  and  more  unostentatious  a  wedding 


CO  UB  2 SHIP  AND  MABBIA  GE.  197 

card,  the  more  becoming  and  appropriate  it  will  be. 
No  one  to  whom  a  wedding-card  has  not  been  sent 
ought  to  call  upon  a  newly-married  couple. 

Calling  on  a  Newly-married  Couple. 

When  the  days  named  for  seeing  company  arrive, 
remember  to  be  punctual.  Call,  if  possible,  the  first 
day,  but  neither  before  nor  after  the  appointed  hour. 
Wedding-cake  and  wine  are  handed  round,  of  which 
every  one  partakes,  and  each  expresses  some  kindly 
wish  for  the  happiness  of  the  newly-married  couple. 

A  Joyous  Period. 

Taking  possession  of  their  home  by  young  people 
is  always  a  joyous  period.  The  depressing  influence 
of  a  wedding  breakfast,  where  often  the  hearts  of 
many  are  sad,  is  not  felt,  and  every  one  looks  for- 
ward to  years  of  prosperity  and  happiness. 

Professional  Call  while  receiving  Calls. 

If  the  gentleman  is  in  a  profession,  and  it  hap- 
pens that  he  cannot  await  the  arrival  of  such  as  call 
according  to  invitation  on  the  wedding-card,  an  apol- 
ogy must  be  made,  and,  if  possible,  an  old  friend  of 
the  family  should  represent  him.  A  bride  must  on 
no  account  receive  her  visitors  without  a  mother,  or 
sister,  or  some  friend  being  present,  not  even  if  her 
husband  is  at  home.  This  is  imperative.  To  do 
otherwise  is  to  disregard  the  usages  of  society. 


198  CO  UB TSHIP  AND  MABBIA  GE. 

Returning  "Wedding  Visits. 

"Wedding  visits  must  be  returned  during  the  course 
of  a  few  days,  and  parties  are  generally  made  for  the 
newly-married  couple,  which  they  are  expected  to 
return.  This  does  not,  however,  necessarily  entail 
much  visiting;  neither  is  it  expected  from  young 
people,  whose  resources  may  be  somewhat  limited, 
or  when  the  husband  has  to  make  his  way  in  the 
world. 


CHAPTER  XV. 
DOMESTIC  ETIQUETTE  AND  DUTIES. 

I  HE  little  community  to  which  I  gave  laws," 
1  said  the  Vicar  of  Wakefield,  "was  regulat- 
ed in  the  following  manner: — We  all  assembled  ear- 
ly, and  after  we  had  saluted  each  other  with  proper 
ceremony,  (for  I  always  thought  fit  to  keep  up  some 
mechanical  forms  of  good  breeding,  without  which, 
freedom  ever  destroys  friendship,)  we  all  knelt  in 
gratitude  to  that  Being  who  gave  us  another  day.  So 
also  when  we  parted  for  the  night." 

We  earnestly  recommend  that  the  precepts  and  ex- 
ample of  the  good  old  Vicar  should  be  followed  and 
adopted  by  every  newly-married  couple.  With  re- 
gard to  the  first,  the  courtesies  of  society  should  nev- 
er be  omitted,  in  even  the  most  trivial  matters;  and 
as  respects  the  second,  what  blessing  can  be  reason- 
ably expected  to  descend  upon  a  house  wherein  the 
voice  of  thanksgiving  is  never  heard,  nor  yet  pro- 
tection sought  by  its  acknowledged  head! 


200    DOMESTIC  ETIQ,  UETTE  AND  D  UTIES. 

Duties  op  the  TV^ife. 

On  the  wife  especially  devolves  the  privilege  and 
pleasure  of  rendering  home  happy.  We  shall,  there- 
fore, speak  of  such  duties  and  observances  as  per- 
tain to  her. 

When  a  young  wife  first  settles  in  her  home,  many 
excellent  persons,  witn  more  zeal,  it  may  be,  than 
discretion,  immediately  propose  that  she  should  de- 
vote some  of  her  leisure  time  to  charitable  purposes: 
such,  for  instance,  as  clothing  societies  for  the  poor, 
or  schools,  or  district  visiting.  We  say  with  all  earn- 
estnes  to  our  young  friend,  engage  in  nothing  of  the 
kind,  however  laudable,  without  previously  consult- 
ing your  husband,  and  obtaining  his  full  concur- 
rence. Carefully  avoid,  also,  being  induced  by  any 
specious  arguments  to  attend  evening  lectures,  un- 
less he  accompanies  you.  Remember  that  your 
Heavenly  Father,  who  has  given  you  a  homo  to 
dwell  in,  requires  from  you  a  right  performance  of 
its  duties.  W^in  your  husband,  by  all  gentle  appli- 
ances, to  love  religion;  but  do  not,  for  the  sake  even 
of  a  privilege  and  a  blessing,  leave  him  to  spend  his 
evenings  alone.  Look  often  on  your  marriage  ring 
and  remember  the  sacred  vows  taken  by  you  when 
the  ring  was  given;  such  thoughts  will  go  far  toward 
allaying  many  of  these  petty  vexations  which  cir- 
cumstances call  forth. 


DOMESTIC  ETIQ  UETTE  AND  D  UTJES.    201 

Avoid  all  Causes  for  Complaint. 
Never  let  your  husband  have  cause  to  complain 
that  you  are  more  agreeable  abroad  than  at  home; 
nor  permit  him  to  see  in  you  an  object  of  admiration 
as  respects  your  dress  and  manners,  when  in  com- 
pany, while  you  are  negligent  of  both  in  the  domes- 
tic circle.  Many  an  unhappy  marriage  has  been  oc- 
casioned by  neglect  in  these  particulars.  Nothing 
can  be  more  senseless  than  the  conduct  of  a  young 
woman,  who  seeks  to  be  admired  in  general  society 
for  her  politeness  and  engaging  manners,  or  skill  in 
music,  when,  at  the  same  time,  she  makes  no  effort 
to  render  her  home  attractive;  and  yet  that  home 
whether  a  palace  or  a  cottage,  is  the  very  centre  of 
her  being — the  nucleus  around  which  her  affections 
should  revolve,  and  beyond  which  she  has  compara- 
tively small  concern. 

Beware  of  Confidants. 
Beware  of  intrusting  any  individual  whatever 
with  small  annoyances,  or  misunderstandings,  be- 
tween your  husband  and  j^ourself,  if  they  unhappily 
occur.  Confidants  are  dangerous  persons,  and  many 
seek  to  obtain  an  ascendency  in  families  by  gaining 
the  good  opinion  of  young  married  women.  Be  on 
your  guard,  and  reject  every  overture  that  may  lead 
to  undesirable  intimacy.  Should  any  one  presume 
to  offer  you  advice  with  regard  to  your  husband,  or 
seek  to  lessen  him  by  insinuations,  shun  that  per- 
son as  you  would  a  serpent.     Many  a  happy  home 


202    DOMESTIC  ETIQ  UETTE  AND  D UTIES. 

has  been  rendered  desolate  by  exciting  coolness  or 
suspicion,  or  by  endeavors  to  gain  importance  in  an 
artful  and  insidious  manner. 

Regarding  Money  Matters. 
In  all  money  matters,  act  openly  and  honorably 
Keep  your  accounts  with  the  most  scrupulous  exact- 
ness, and  let  your  husband  see  that  you  take  an  hon- 
est pride  in  rightly  appropriating  the  money  which 
he  intrusts  to  you.  "My  husband  works  hard  for 
every  dollar  that  he  earns,"  said  a  young  married 
lady,  the  wife  of  a  professional  man,  to  a  friend  who 
found  her  busily  employed  in  sewing  buttons  on  her 
husband's  coat,  "and  it  seems  to  me  worse  than  cruel 
to  lay  out  a  dime  unnecessarily."  Be  very  careful 
also,  that  you  do  not  spend  more  than  can  be  afford- 
ed in  dress;  and  be  satisfied  with  such  carpets  and 
curtains  in  your  drawing-room  as  befit  a  moderate 
fortune,  or  professional  income. 

How  TO  keep  a  Home. 

Natural  ornaments,  and  flowers  tastefully  arrang- 
ed, give  an  air  of  elegance  to  a  room  in  which  the 
furniture  is  far  from  costly;  and  books  judiciously 
placed,  uniformly  produce  a  good  effect.  A  sensible 
woman  will  always  seek  to  ornament  her  home,  and 
to  render  it  attractive,  more  especially  as  this  is  the 
taste  of  the  present  day.  The  power  of  association 
is  very  great;  light,  and  air,  and  elegance,  are  im- 
portant in  their  effects.   No  wife  acts  wisely  who  per- 


n OMESTIC  ETiq  VETTE  AND  D  UTIES.     203 

mits  her  sitting-room  to  look  dull  in  the  eyes  of  him 
whom  she  ought  especially  to  please,  and  with  whom 
she  has  to  pass  her  days. 

Avoid  Concealment. 

In  middle  life,  instances  frequently  occur  of  con- 
cealment with  regard  to  money  concerns;  thus,  for 
instance,  a  wife  wishes  to  possess  an  article  of  dress 
which  is  too  costly  for  immediate  purchase,  or  a 
piece  of  furniture  liable  to  the  same  objection.  She 
accordingly  makes  an  agreement  with  a  seller,  and 
there  are  many  who  call  regularly  at  houses  when 
the  husband  is  absent  on  business,  and  who  receive 
whatever  the  mistress  of  the  house  can  spare  from 
her  expenses.  A  book  is  kept  by  the  seller,  in  which 
payments  are  entered;  but  a  duplicate  is  never  re- 
tained by  the  wife,  and  therefore  she  has  no  check 
whatever.  We  have  known  an  article  of  dress  paid 
for  in  this  manner,  far  above  its  value,  and  have 
heard  a  poor  young  woman,  who  has  been  thus  duped 
say  to  a  lady,  who  remonstrated  with  her:  "Alas! 
what  can  I  do?  I  dare  not  tell  my  husband."  It 
may  be  that  the  same  system,  though  differing  ac- 
cording to  circumstances,  is  pursued  in  a  superior 
class  of  life.  We  have  reason  to  think  that  it  is  so, 
and  therefore  affectionately  warn  our  young  sisters 
to  beware  of  making  purchases  that  require  con- 
cealment. Be  content  with  such  things  as  you  can 
honorably  afford,  and  such  as  your  husbands  ap- 
prove.   You  can  then  wear  them  with  every  feeling 


204     Z>  OMESTIC  ETIQ  UETTE  AND  B  UTIE^. 

of  self-satisfaction,  and    have  a  contented    mind. 

Avoid  all  Bickerings. 
Before  dismissing  this  part  of  our  subject,  we  be- 
seech you  to  avoid  all  bickerings.  What  does  it  sig- 
nify where  a  picture  hangs,  or  whether  a  rose  or 
a  pink  looks  best  on  the  drawing-room  table?  There 
is  something  inexpressibly  endearing  in  small  con- 
cessions, in  gracefully  giving  up  a  favorite  opinion, 
or  in  yielding  to  the  will  of  another;  and  equally 
painful  is  the  reverse.  The  mightiest  rivers  have 
their  source  in  streams;  the  bitterest  domestic  mise- 
ry has  often  arisen  from  some  trifling  difference  of 
opinion.  If,  by  chance  you  marry  a  man  of  hasty 
temper,  great  discretion  is  required.  Much  willing- 
ness, too,  and  prayer  for  strength  to  rule  your  own 
spirit  are  necessary.  Three  instances  occur  to  us, 
in  which,  ladies  have  knowingly  married  men  of 
exceedingly  violent  tempers,  and  yet  have  lived 
happily.  The  secret  of  their  happiness  consisted  in 
possessing  a  perfect  command  over  themselves,  and 
in  seeking,  by  every  possible  means,  to  prevent  their 
husbands  from  committing  themselves  in  their  pres- 
ence. 

Becoming  Conduct  for  a  Wife. 

Lastly,  remember  your  standing  as  a  lady,  and 
never  approve  a  mean  action,  nor  speak  an  unre- 
fined word;  let  all  your  conduct  be  such  as  an  hon- 
orable and  right-minded  man  may  look  for  in  his 


B  OMESTIC  ETiq  UETTE  AND  D  UTIES.     205 

wife,  and  the  mother  of  his  children.  The  slightest 
duplicity  destroys  confidence.  The  least  want  of  re- 
finement in  conversation,  or  in  the  selection  of  books 
lowers  a  woman,  ay,  and  forever !  Follow  these  few 
simple  precepts,  and  they  shall  prove  to  you  of  more 
worth  than  rubies;  neglect  them,  and  you  will  know 
what  sorrow  is.  They  apply  to  every  class  of  socie- 
ty, in  every  place  where  man  has  fixed  his  dwelling; 
and  to  the  woman  who  duly  observes  them  may  be 
given  the  beautiful  commendation  of  Solomon,  when 
recording  the  words  which  the  mother  of  King  Le- 
muel taught  him :  , 

Solomon's  Description  of  a  Woman. 

"The  heart  of  her  husband  doth  safely  trust  in 
her;  she  will  do  him  good,  and  not  evil,  all  the  days 
of  her  life.  Strength  and  honor  are  her  clothing; 
and  she  shall  rejoice  in  time  to  come.  Her  children 
rise  up  and  call  her  blessed;  her  husband  also,  and 
he  praiseth  her." — Prov.  xxxi. 

Duties  of  a  Husband. 

We  shall  now  address  ourselves  exclusively  to  our 
brethren;  to  them  who  have  taken  upon  themselves 
the  sacred  and  comprehensive  names  of  husband 
and  of  master,  who  have  formed  homes  to  dwell  in 
and  have  placed  therein,  as  their  companions  through 
life's  pilgrimage,  gentle  and  confiding  ones  who  have 
left  for  them  all  that  was  heretofore  most  dear,  and 
whom  they  have  sworn  to  love  and  to  cherish. 


206    DOMESTIC  ETIQ  UETTE  AND  D  UTIES. 
Things  to  Remember. 

Remember  that  ycu  have  now,  as  a  married  man 
a  very  different  standing  in  society  from  the  one 
which  you  previously  held,  and  that  the  happiness 
of  another  is  committed  to  your  charge.  Render, 
therefore,  your  home  happy  by  kindness  and  atten- 
tion to  your  wife,  and  carefully  watch  over  your 
words  and  actions.  If  small  disputes  arise,  and  your 
wife  has  not  sufficient  good  sense  to  yield  her 
opinion;  nay,  if  she  even  seems  determined  to  have 
her  own  way,  and  that  tenaciously,  do  not  get  angry; 
rather  be  sileni  and  let  the  matter  rest.  An  oppor- 
tunity will  soon  occur  of  speaking  affectionately,  yet 
decidedly,  on  the  subject,  and  much  good  will  be 
effected.  Master  your  own  temper,  and  you  will 
soon  master  your  wife's;  study  her  happiness  without 
yielding  to  any  caprices,  and  you  will  have  no  rea- 
son to  regret  your  self-control. 

Accompany  Your  Wife  to  Church. 

Never  let  your  wife  go  to  church  alone  on  Sunday. 
You  can  hardly  do  a  worse  thing  as  regards  her 
good  opinion  of  you,  and  the  well  being  of  your 
household.  It  is  a  pitiable  sight  to  see  a  young  wife 
going  toward  the  church-door  unattended,  alone  in 
the  midst  of  a  crowd,  with  her  thoughts  dwelling, 
it  may  be  very  sadly,  on  the  time  when  you  were 
proud  to  walk  beside  her.  Remember  that  the  con- 
dition of  a  young  bride  is  often  a  very  solitary  one; 


B  OMESTIC  ETiq  UETTE  AND  D  UTIES,     207 

and  that  for  your  sake  she  has  left  her  parent's  roof, 
and  the  companionship  of  her  brothers  and  sisters. 
If  you  are  a  professional  man,  your  wife  may  have 
to  live  in  the  neighborhood  of  a  large  city,  where 
she  scarcely  knows  any  one,  and  without  those  agree- 
able domestic  occupations,  or  young  associates, 
among  whom  she  had  grown  up.  Her  garden  and 
poultry-yard  are  hers  no  longer,  and  the  day  passes 
without  the  light  of  any  smile  but  yours.  You  go 
off,  most  probably  after  breakfast,  to  your  business 
or  profession,  and  do  not  return  till  a  late  dinner; 
perhaps  even  not  then,  if  you  are  much  occupied,  or 
have  to  keep  up  professional  connections.  It  seems 
unmanly,  certainly  most  unkind,  to  let  your  young 
wife  go  to  church  on  Sunday  without  you,  for  the 
common-place  satisfaction  of  lounging  at  home. 

A  Breach  op  Domestic  Etiquette. 

To  act  in  this  manner  is  certainly  a  breach  of  do- 
mestic etiquette.  Sunday  is  the  only  day  in  which 
you  can  enable  her  to  forget  her  father's  house,  and 
the  pleasant  associations  of  her  girlhood  days — in 
which  you  can  pay  her  those  attentions  which  pre- 
vent all  painful  comparisons  as  regards  the  past. 
Sunday  is  the  day  of  rest,  wisely  and  mercifully  ap- 
pointed to  loose  the  bonds  by  which  men  are  held 
to  the  world;  let  it  be  spent  by  you  as  becomes  the 
head  of  a  family.  Let  no  temptation  ever  induce 
you  to  wish  your  wife  to  relinquish  attending  Di- 
vine service,  merely  that  she  may   "  idle  at  homo 


208     D OMESTIC  ETIQ  UETTE  AND  D  UTIES. 

with  you."  Religion  is  her  safeguard  amid  the  tri- 
als or  temptations  of  this  world,  And  woe  may  be 
to  you  if  you  seek  to  withdraw  her  from  its  protec- 
tion! 

Take  Your  Wife  into  Your  Confidence. 

Much  perplexity  in  the  marriage  state  often  arises 
from  want  of  candor.  Men  conceal  their  affairs, 
and  expect  their  wives  to  act  with  great  economy, 
without  assigning  any  reason  why  such  should  be 
the  case;  but  the  husband  ought  frankly  to  tell  his 
wife  the  real  amount  of  his  income;  for,  unless  this 
is  done,  she  cannot  properly  regulate  her  expenses. 
They  ought  then  to  consult  together  as  to  the  sum 
that  can  be  afforded  for  housekeeping,  which  should 
be  rather  below  than  above  the  mark. 

Let  Her  Manage  Her  own  Affairs. 

"When  this  is  arranged  he  will  find  it  advantage- 
ous to  give  into  her  hands,  either  weekly,  monthly, 
or  quarterly,  the  sum  that  is  appropriated  for  daily 
expenditure,  and  above  all  things  to  avoid  interfer- 
ing without  absolute  necessity.  The  home  depart- 
ment belongs  exclusively  to  the  wife;  the  province 
of  the  husband  is  to  rule  the  house — hers  to  regu- 
late its  internal  movements.  True  it  is,  that  some 
inexperienced  young  creatures  know  but  little  of 
household  concerns.  If  this  occur,  have  patience, 
and  do  not  become  pettish  or  illhumored.  If  too 
much  money  is  laid  out  at  first,  give  advice,  kind- 


D  OMESTIC  ETIQ  UETTE  AND  B  UTIES.     209 

ly  and  firmly,  and  the  young  wife  will  soon  learn 
how  to  perform  her  new  duties. 

Avoid  Unnecessary  Inteeference. 

No  good  ever  yet  resulted,  or  ever  will  result  from 
unnecessary  interference.  If  a  man  unhappily  mar- 
ries an  incorrigible  simpleton,  or  spendthrift,  he  can- 
not help  himself.  Such,  however,  is  rarely  the  case. 
Let  a  man  preserve  his  own  position,  and  assist  his 
wife  to  do  the  same;  all  things  will  then  move  to- 
gether, well  and  harmoniously. 

Be  always  ready  to  Praise. 

Much  sorrow,  and  many  heart-burnings,  may  be 
avoided  by  judicious  conduct  in  the  outset  of  life. 
Husbands  should  give  their  wives  all  confidence. 
They  have  intrusted  to  them  their  happiness,  and 
should  never  suspect  them  of  desiring  to  waste  their 
money.  "Whenever  a  disposition  is  manifested  to  do 
right,  express  your  approbation.  Be  pleased  with 
trifles,  and  commend  efforts  to  excel  on  every  fitting 
occasion.  If  your  wife  is  diffident,  encourage  her, 
and  avoid  seeing  small  mistakes.  It  is  unreasona- 
ble to  add  to  the  embarrassments  of  her  new  condi- 
tion, by  ridiculing  her  deficiencies. 

Avoid  Comparisons. 

Forbear  extolling  the  previous  management  of 
your  mother  or  your  sisters.  Many  a  wife  has  been 
alienated  from  her  husband's  family,  and  many  an 


210    D  OMESTIC  ETIQ  UETTE  AND  D  UTIES. 

affectionate  heart  has  been  deeply  wounded  by  such 
injudicious  conduct;  and,  as  a  sensible  woman  will 
always  pay  especial  attention  to  the  relations  of  her 
husband,  and  entertain  them  with  affectionate  polite- 
ness, the  husband  on  his  part  should  always  cordial- 
ly receive  and  duly  attend  to  her  relations.  The  re- 
verse of  this,  on  either  side,  is  often  productive  of 
unpleasant  feelings. 

Conclusion. 
Lastly,  we  recommend  every  young  married  man, 
who  wishes  to  render  his  home  happy,  to  consider 
his  wife  as  the  light  of  his  domestic  circle,  and  to 
permit  no  clouds,  however  small,  to  obscure  the  re- 
gion in  which  she  presides.  Most  women  are  natur- 
ally amiable,  gentle  and  complying;  and  if  a  wife 
becomes  perverse  and  indifferent  to  her  home,  it  is 
generally  her  husband's  fault.  He  may  have  neg- 
lected her  happiness;  but  nevertheless  it  is  unwise 
in  her  to  retort,  and,  instead  of  faithfully  reflecting 
the  brightness  that  still  may  shine  upon  her,  to  give 
back  the  dusky  and  cheerless  hue  which  saddens 
her  existence.  Be  not  selfish,  but  complying  in  small 
things.  If  your  wife  dislikes  cigars — and  few  young 
women  like  to  have  their  clothes  tainted  by  tobacco 
— leave  off  smoking;  for  it  is  at  best,  an  ungentle- 
manly  and  dirty  habit.  If  your  wife  asks  you  to 
read  to  her,  do  not  put  your  feet  upon  a  chair  and 
go  to  sleep.  If  she  is  fond  of  music,  accompany  her 
as  you  were  wont  when  you  sought  her  for  a  bride. 


D  OMESTIC  ETiq  UETTE  AND  D  UTIES,     211 

The  husband  may  say  that  he  is  tired,  and  does  not 
like  music,  or  reading  aloud.  This  may  occasionally 
be  true,  and  no  amiable  woman  will  ever  desire  her 
husband  to  do  what  would  really  weary  him.  We," 
however,  recommend  a  young  man  to  practice  some- 
what of  self-denial,  and  to  remember  that  no  one 
acts  with  a  due  regard  to  his  own  happiness  who  laj'^s 
aside,  when  married,  those  gratifying  attentions 
which  he  was  ever  ready  to  pay  the  lady  of  his  love; 
or  those  rational  sources  of  home  enjoyment  which 
made  her  look  forward  with  a  bounding  heart  to  be- 
come his  companion  through  life. 

Etiquette  is  a  comprehensive  term;  and  its  obser- 
vances are  nowhere  more  to  be  desired  than  in  the 
domestic  circle. 


CHAPTER  XVI. 
TABLE  ETIQUETTE. 

REAKFAST  is  the  least  ceremonious  meal  of 
the  day.  Where  the  corps  of  servants  is 
large,  so  that  the  arrangements  of  the  day  are  not 
disturbed  thereby,  it  is  customary  to  let  the  mem- 
bers of  the  family  breakfast  at  their  own  proper 
hour.  Each  one  comes  in  without  ceremony  when- 
ever it  pleases  him  or  her  to  do  so.  In  smaller  house- 
holds a  good  deal  of  inconvenience  would  attend 
such  a  course,  and  it  is  well  to  insist  upon  punctu- 
ality at  a  reasonable  hour.  Nevertheless,  at  this  first 
meal  of  the  day  a  certain  amount  of  freedom  is  al- 
lowed which  would  be  unjustifiable  at  any  other 
time.  The  head  of  the  house  may  read  his  morn- 
ing paper  and  the  other  members  of  the  family  may 
look  over  their  correspondence  if  they  choose.  And 
each  may  rise  and  leave  the  table  when  business  or 
pleasure  dictates,  without  waiting  for  a  general 
signal. 


TABLE  ETIQUETTE,  213 

The  Breakfast-table. 

The  breakfast-table  should  be  simply  decorated, 
yet  it  may  be  made  extremely  attractive,  with  its 
snowy  cloth  and  napkins,  its  array  of  glass,  and  its 
ornamentation  of  flowers  and  fruit. 

Queen  Victoria  has  set  the  fashion  of  placing  the 
whole  loaf  of  bread  upon  the  table  with  a  knife  by 
its  side,  leaving  the  bread  to  be  cut  as  it  is  desired. 
However,  the  old  style  of  having  the  bread  already 
cut  when  it  is  placed  upon  the  table  will  still  recom- 
mend itself  to  many.  In  eating,  bread  must  always 
be  broken,  never  cut,  and  certainly  not  bitten. 

Fruit  should  be  served  in  abundance  at  the  break- 
fast-table. There  is  an  old  adage  which  declares 
that  "fruit  is  golden  in  the  morning,  silver  at  noon 
and  leaden  at  night." 

General  Rules  for  Behavior  at  Table. 

Tea  and  coffee  should  never  be  poured  into  a 
saucer. 

If  a  person  wishes  to  be  served  with  more  tea  or 
coffee,  he  should  place  his  spoon  in  the  saucer.  If 
he  has  had  sufficient,  let  it  remain  in  the  cup. 

If  anything  unpleasant  is  found  in  the  food,  such 
as  a  hair  in  the  bread  or  a  fly  in  the  coffee,  remove 
it  without  remark.  Though  your  own  appetite  be 
spoiled,  it  is  well  not  to  spoil  that  of  others. 

Never  if  possible,  cough  or  sneeze  at  the  table.  If 
you  feel  the  paroxysm  coming  on,  leave  the  room. 


214  TABL  E  ETiq  UETTE. 

It  may  be  worth  while  to  know  that  a  sneeze  may 
be  stifled  by  placing  the  finger  firmly  upon  the  up- 
per lip. 

Fold  your  napkin  when  you  are  done  with  it  and 
place  it  in  your  ring,  when  at  home.  If  you  are 
visiting,  leave  your  napkin^  unfolded  beside  your 
plate. 

Never  hold  your  knife  and  fork  upright  on  each 
side  of  your  plate  while  you  are  talking. 

Do  not  cross  your  knife  and  fork  upon  your  plate 
until  you  have  finished. 

"When  you  send  your  plate  to  be  refilled,  place 
your  knife  and  fork  upon  one  side  of  it  or  put  them 
upon  your  piece  of  bread. 

Eat  neither  too  fast  nor  too  slow. 

Never  lean  back  in  your  chair  nor  sit  too  near  or 
too  far  from  the  table. 

Keep  your  elbows  at  your  side,  so  that  you  may 
not  inconvenience  your  neighbors. 

Do  not  find  fault  with  the  food. 

The  old-fashioned  habit  of  abstaining  from  tak- 
ing the  last  piece  upon  the  plate  is  no  longer  observ- 
ed. It  is  to  be  supposed  that  the  vacancy  can  be 
supplied  if  necessary. 

If  a  plate  is  handed  you  at  table,  keep  it  yourself 
instead  of  passing  it  to  a  neighbor.  If  a  dish  is 
passed  to  you,  serve  yourself  first,  and  then  pass  it. 


TABLE  ETIQ  UETTE.  21 6 

Luncheon. 

Luncheon  is  a  recognized  institution  in  our  large 
cities,  where  business  forbids  the  heads  of  families 
returning  to  dinner  until  a  late  hour. 

There  is  much  less  formality  in  the  serving  of 
lunch  than  of  dinner.  Whether  it  consists  of  one 
or  more  courses,  it  is  all  set  upon  the  table  at  once. 
When  only  one  or  two  are  to  lunch,  the  repast  is 
ordinarily  served  upon  a  tray. 

Dinner. 

We  have  already  spoken  at  some  length  of  cere- 
monious dinners,  so  that  all  we  need  speak  of  in  this 
place  is  the  private  family  dinner.  This  should  al- 
ways be  the  social  hour  of  the  day.  Then  parents 
and  children  meet  together,  and  the  meal  should  be 
of  such  length  as  to  allow  of  the  greatest  sociality. 
Remember  the  old  proverb  that  "chatted  food  is 
half  digested." 

It  may  not  be  out  of  place  to  quote  here  an  anec- 
dote from  the  French,  which  will  illustrate,  in  most 
respects,  the  correct  etiquette  of  the  dining-table. 

The  abbe  Casson,  a  professor  in  the  College  Maza- 
rin,  and  an  accomplished  litterateur^  dined  one  day 
at  Versailles  with  the  abbe  de  Radonvilliers,  in  com- 
pany with  several  courtiers  and  marshals  of  France. 
After  dinner,  when  the  talk  ran  upon  the  etiquette 
and  customs  of  the  table,  the  abbe  Casson  boasted 
of  his  intimate  acquaintance  with  the  best  dining- 
out  usages  of  society. 


216  TABL  E  ETIQ  UETTE. 

The  abbe  Delille  listened  to  his  account  of  his  own 
good  manners  for  a  while,  but  then  interrupted  him 
and  offered  to  wager  that  at  the  dinner  just  served 
he  had  committed  numberless  errors  or  impropri- 
eties. 

"How  is  it  possible!"  demanded  the  abbe.  "I  did 
exactly  like  the  rest  of  the  company." 

"Nonsense!"  exclaimed  the  other.  "You  did  a 
hundred  things  which  no  one  else  did.  First,  when 
you  sat  down  at  the  table,  what  did  you  do  with 
your  napkin?" 

'.'My  napkin?  Why,  just  what  everybody  else 
did:  I  unfolded  it  and  fastened  it  to  my  button- 
hole." 

"Ah,  my  dear  friend,"  said  Delille,  "you  were  the 
only  one  of  the  party  who  did  that.  No  one  hangs 
his  napkin  up  in  that  style.  They  content  them- 
selves with  placing  it  across  their  knees.  And  what 
did  you  do  when  you  were  served  to  soup?" 

"Like  the  others,  surely.  I  took  my  spoon  in  my 
right  hand  and  my  fork  in  the  left — " 

"Your  fork!  Who  ever  saw  any  one  eat  bread 
out  of  a  soup-plate  with  a  fork  before  ?  After  your 
soup  what  did  you  eat?" 

"A  fresh  egg." 

"And  what  did  you  do  with  the  shell? 

"Handed  it  to  the  servant." 

"Without  breaking  it?" 

"Yes,  without  breaking  it  up,  of  course." 

"Ah,  my  dear  abbe,  nobody  ever  eats  an  egg  with- 


TABLE  ETIQUETTE.  217 

out  breaking  the  shell  afterward,"  exclaimed  Abbe 
Delille.     "And  after  your  eggV^ 

"I  asked  the  abbe  Radonvilliers  to  send  me  a  piece 
of  the  hen  near  him." 

"Bless  my  soul !  a  piece  of  the  hm?  One  shouid 
never  speak  of  hens  out  of  the  hennery.  You  should 
have  asked  for  a  piece  of  fowl  or  chicken.  But  you 
say  nothing  about  your  manner  of  asking  for  wine." 

"Like  the  others,  I  asked  for  claret  and  cham- 
pagne." 

"Let  me  inform  you  that  one  should  always  ask 
for  claret  wine  and  champagne  wine.  But  how  did 
you  eat  your  bread?" 

"Surely  I  did  that  properly.  I  cut  it  with  my 
knife  into  small  mouthfuls  and  ate  it  with  my 
fingers." 

"Bread  should  never  be  cut,  but  always  broken 
with  the  fingers.  But  the  coffee — how  did  you  man- 
age that?" 

"It  was  rather  too  hot,  so  I  poured  a  little  of  it  in- 
to my  saucer  and  drank  it." 

"Well,  then,  you  committed  the  greatest  error. 
You  should  never  pour  either  coffee  or  tea  into  your 
saucer,  but  always  let  it  cool  and  drink  it  from  the 
cup." 

It  is  unnecessary  to  say  that  the  abbe  was  deeply 
mortified  at  his  evident  ignorance  of  the  usages  of 
polite  society. 


CHAPTER  XVII. 
MISCELLANEO  US  B  ULES  OF  ETIQ  UETTE 

SOME  contend  that  mere  intercourse  with  the 
world  gives  a  habit  and  taste  for  those  mod- 
est and  obliging  observances  which  constitute  true 
politeness;  but  this  is  an  error.  Propriety  of  de- 
portment is  the  valuable  result  of  a  knowledge  of 
one's  self,  and  respect  for  the  rights  of  others;  it  is  a 
feeling  of  the  sacrifices  which  are  imposed  on  self- 
esteem  by  our  own  social  relations;  it  is,  in  short,  a 
sacred  requirement  of  harmony  and  affection.  But 
the  usage  of  the  world  is  merely  the  gloss,  or  rather 
the  imitation  of  propriety;  and  when  not  based  up- 
on sincerity,  modesty,  and  courtesy,  it  consists  in 
being  inconstant  in  every  thing,  and  in  amusing  it- 
self by  playing  off  its  feelings  and  ridicule  against 
the  defects  and  excellencies  of  others.  Thanks  to 
custom, —  it  is  sufficient,  in  order  to  be  recognized 
as  amiable,  that  he  who  is  the  subject  of  a  malicious 
pleasantry  may  laugh  as  well  as  the  author  of  it. 


■     MISCELLANEOUS  RULES  219 

Pbesents  among  Friends. 

Among  friends,  presents  ought  to  be  made  of 
things  of  small  value;  or,  if  valuable,  their  worth 
should  be  derived  from  the  style  of  the  workman- 
ship, or  from  some  accidental  circumstance,  rather 
than  from  the  inherent  and  solid  richness.  Especi- 
ally never  offer  to  a  lady  a  gift  of  great  cost:  it  is 
in  the  highest  degree  indelicate,  and  looks  as  if  you 
were  desirous  of  placing  her  under  an  obligation  to 
you,  and  of  buying  her  good  will.  The  gifts  made 
by  ladies  to  gentlemen  are  of  the  most  refined  na- 
ture possible:  they  should  be  little  articles  not  pur- 
chased, but  deriving  a  priceless  value  as  being  the 
offspring  of  their  gentle  skill;  a  little  picture  from 
their  pencil,  or  a  trifle  from  their  needle. 

Presents  to  Married  Ladies. 

Unmarried  ladies  should  not  accept  presents  from 
gentlemen  to  whom  they  are  neither  related  nor  en- 
gaged. A  married  lady  may  occasionally  accept  a 
present  from  a  gentleman  who  is  indebted  to  her  for 
hospitality. 

Presents  by  Married  Ladies. 

Presents  made  by  a  married  lady  to  a  gentleman 
should  be  in  the  name  of  both  herself  and  her  hus- 
band. 

Never  make  a  gift  which  is  really  beyond  or  out 
of  proportion  to  your  means.    For  you  may  be  sure 


220  MISCELLANEOUS  RULES 

the  recipient  is  thinking,  even  if  he  have  the  good 
breeding  to  say  nothing,  that  you  had  best  kept  it 
yourself. 

Praising  Presents. 

If  you  make  a  present,  and  it  is  praised  by  the 
receiver,  you  should  not  yourself  commence  under- 
valuing it.  If  one  is  offered  to  you,  always  accept 
it;  and  however  small  it  may  be,  receive  it  with 
civil  and  expressed  thanks,  without  any  kind  of  af- 
fectation. Avoid  all  such  deprecatory  phrases,  as 
"I  fear  I  rob  you,"  etc. 

Making  Parade. 
A  present  should  be  made  with  as  little  parade 
and  ceremony  as  possible.  If  it  is  a  small  matter, 
a  gold  pencil-case,  a  thimble  to  a  lady,  or  an  affair 
of  that  sort,  it  should  not  be  offered  formally,  but 
in  an  indirect  way, — left  in  her  basket,  or  slipped  on 
to  her  finger,  by  means  of  a  ribbon  attached  to  it 
without  a  remark  of  any  kind. 

How  TO  Receive  a  Present. 
Receive  a  present  in  the  spirit  in  which  it  is  given 
and  with  a  quiet  expression  of  thanks.  On  the 
other  hand,  never,  when  what  you  have  given  is  ad- 
mired, spoil  the  effect  by  saying  it  is  of  no  value,  or 
worse  still,  that  you  have  no  use  for  it,  have  others, 
or  anything  of  that  kind.  Simply  remark  that  you 
are  gratified  at  finding  it  has  given  pleasure. 


MISCELLANEO  US  B  ULES  221 

Refusing  a  Gift. 

Never  refuse  a  gift  if  offered  in  kindness  unless 
the  circumstancess  are  such  that  you  cannot  with 
propriety  or  consistency  receive  it.  Neither  in  re- 
ceiving a  present  make  such  comments  as  "I  am 
ashamed  to  rob  you;"  "I  am  sure  I  ought  not  to  take 
it,"  which  seem  to  indicate  that  your  friend  cannot 
afford  to  make  the  gift. 

Value  of  Presents. 

In  the  eyes  of  persons  of  delicacy,  presents  are  of 
no  worth,  except  from  the  manner  in  which  they  are 
bestowed;  strive  then  to  gain  them  this  value. 

Governing  our  Moods. 

"We  should  subdue  our  gloomy  moods  before  we 
enter  society.  To  look  pleasantly  and  to  speak  kind- 
ly is  a  duty  we  owe  to  others.  Neither  should  we 
afflict  them  with  any  dismal  account  of  our  health 
state  of  mind  or  outward  circumstances.  It  is  pre- 
sumed that  each  one  has  trouble  enough  of  his  own 
to  bear  without  being  burdened  with  the  sorrows  of 
others. 

Civility  Due  to  All  Women. 

Chesterfield  says,  "Civility  is  particularly  due  to 
all  women;  and,  remember,  that  no  provocation 
whatsoever  can  justify  any  man  in  not  being  civil  to 
every  woman;  and  the  greatest  man  would  justly  be 


222  MISCELLANEO  US  B  ULES 

reckoned  a  brute  if  he  were  not  civil  to  the  mean- 
est woman.  It  is  due  to  their  sex,  and  is  the  only 
protection  they  have  against  the  superior  strength 
of  ours;  nay,  even  a  little  is  allowable  with  women; 
and  a  man  may,  without  weakness,  tell  a  woman 
she  is  either  handsomer  or  wiser  than  she  is." 

Keeping  Engagements. 

Keep  your  engagements.  Nothing  is  ruder  than 
to  make  an  engagement,  be  it  of  business  or  pleasure 
and  break  it.  If  your  memory  is  not  sufficiently 
retentive  to  keep  all  the  engagements  you  make 
stored  within  it,  carry  a  little  memorandum  book, 
and  enter  them  there. 

Requisites  to  gain  Esteem. 

Chesterfield  says,  "As  learning,  honor,  and  virtue 
are  absolutely  necessary  to  gain  you  the  esteem  and 
admiration  of  mankind,  politeness  and  good  breed- 
ing are  equally  necessary  to  make  you  welcome  and 
agreeable  in  conversation  and  common  life.  Great 
talents,  such  as  honor,  virtue,  learning,  and  arts, 
are  above  the  generality  of  the  world,  who  neither 
possess  them  themselves  nor  judge  of  them  rightly 
in  others;  but  all  people  are  judges  of  the  lesser  tal- 
ents, such  as  civility,  affability,  and  an  obliging, 
agreeable  address  and  manner;  because  they  feel  the 
good  effects  of  them,  as  making  society  easy  and 
pleasing." 


MISCELLANEOUS  RULES  223 

Contempt  and  Haughtiness. 

Contempt  and  haughtiness  are  never  wise  and 
never  politic.  Pride  is  a  losing  game,  play  it  with 
whom  you  please.  Courtesy  is  the  only  way  to  deal 
with  the  courteous,  and  the  best  way  to  deal  with 
the  rude.  "There  is  nothing,  so  savage  and  un- 
couth, that  a  little  care,  attention,  and  complaisance 
will  not  tame  it  into  civility." 

Talking  of  Yourself. 

Talk  as  little  of  yourself  as  possible,  or  of  any 
science  or  business  in  which  you  have  acquired  fame. 
There  is  a  banker  in  New  York  who  is  always  cer- 
tain to  occupy  the  time  of  every  party  he  gets  into, 
by  talking  of  his  per  cents,  and  boasting  that  he  be- 
gan life  without  a  cent — which  every  one  readily  be- 
lieves; and  if  he  were  to  add  that  he  began  life  in  a 
pig-pen,  they  would  believe  that  too. 

A  Filthy  Habit. 

Spitting  is  a  filthy  habit,  and  annoys  one  in  al- 
most every  quarter,  in-doors  and  out.  Since  vul- 
garity has  had  its  way  so  extensively  amongst  us, 
every  youth  begins  to  smoke  and  spit  before  he  has 
well  cut  his  teeth.  Smoking  is  unquestionably  so 
great  a  pleasure  to  those  accustomed  to  it,  that  it 
must  not  be  condemned,  yet  the  spitting  associated 
with  it  detracts  very  much  from  the  enjoyment.  No 
refined  person  will  spit  where  ladies  are  present  or 


224  MISCELLANEOUS  RULES 

in  any  public  promenade;  the  habit  is  disgusting  in 
the  extreme,  and  one  would  almost  wish  that  it 
could  be  checked  in  public  by  means  of  law. 

Avoid  Loud  Conversation. 

If  you  are  in  a  public  room,  as  a  library  or  read- 
ing-room, avoid  loud  conversation  or  laughing  which 
may  disturb  others.  At  the  opera,  or  a  concert  be 
profoundly  silent  during  the  performances;  if  you 
do  not  wish  to  hear  the  music,  you  have  no  right  to 
interfere  with  the  enjoyment  of  others. 

In  private,  watch  your  thoughts;  in  your  family, 
watch  your  temper;  in  society,  watch  your  tongue. 

Consulting  Your  Time-piece. 

Frequent  consultation  of  the  watch  or  time-pieces 
is  impolite,  either  when  at  home  or  abroad.  If  at 
home,  it  appears  as  if  you  were  tired  of  your  com- 
pany and  wished  them  to  be  gone;  if  abroad,  as  if 
the  hours  dragged  heavily,  and  you  were  calculat- 
ing how  soon  you  would  be  released. 

Removing  the  Hat. 

A  gentleman  never  sits  in  the  house  with  his  hat 
on  in  the  presence  of  ladies  for  a  single  moment. 
Indeed,  so  strong  is  the  force  of  habit,  that  a  gentle- 
man will  quite  unconsciously  remove  his  hat  on  en- 
tering a  parlor,  or  drawing-room,  even  if  there  is  no 
one  present  but  himself. 


MISCELLANEOUS  MULES  225 

Smoking  in  Presence  op  Ladies. 

It  is  not  deemed  polite  and  respectful  to  smoke  in 
the  presence  of  ladies,  even  though  they  are  amia- 
ble enough  to  permit  it.  A  gentleman,  therefore,  is 
not  in  the  habit  of  smoking  in  the  parlor,  for  if 
there  is  nobody  present  to  object,  it  leaves  a  smell  in 
the  room  which  the  wife  has  good  reason  to  be  mor- 
tified at,  if  discovered  by  her  guests. 

Relinquishing  a  Seat  for  Ladies. 

If  you  are  in  attendance  upon  a  lady  at  any  opera, 
concert,  or  lecture,  you  should  retain  your  seat  at  her 
side;  but  if  you  have  no  lady  with  you,  and  have 
taken  a  desirable  seat,  you  should  if  need  be,  cheer- 
fully relinquish  it  in  favor  of  a  lady,  for  one  less  el- 
igible. 

A  Man's  Pride  and  Principles. 

A  man's  pride  should  dwell  in  his  principles  and 
not  in  his  demeanor.  He  should  be  above  thinking 
anything,  which  may  be  unworthy  of  his  nature, 
and  above  doing  anything  which  may  lessen  his 
character  or  impair  his  honor;  but  he  should  not  be 
above  illustrating  his  rank  and  breeding  by  gentle- 
ness and  kindness. 

Avoid  Religious  Topics. 

Religious  topics  should  be  avoided  in  conversa- 
tion, except  where  all  are  prepared  to  concur  in  a 

15 


226  MISCELLANEOUS  RULES 

respectful  treatment  of  the  subject.    In  mixed  soci- 
eties the  subject  should  never  be  introduced. 

Do  not  touch  any  of  the  ornaments  in  the  houses 
where  you  visit;  they  are  meant  only  for  the  use  of 
the  lady  of  the  house,  and  may  be  admired  but  not 
touched. 

Attention  to  Young  People  in  Society. 

In  society  all  should  receive  equal  attention,  the 
young  as  well  as  the  old.  "If  we  wish  our  young 
people  to  grow  up  self-possessed  and  at  ease,  we 
must  early  train  them  in  these  graces  by  giving 
them  the  same  attention  and  consideration  we  do 
those  of  maturer  years.  If  we  snub  them  and  sys- 
tematically neglect  them,  they  will  acquire  an  awk- 
wardness and  a  deprecatory  manner  which  it  will 
be  very  difficult  for  them  to  overcome.  We  sin- 
cerely believe  that  that  which  is  considered  the 
natural  gauchene  of  young  girls  results  more  from 
the  slights  which  they  are  constantly  receiving  and 
constantly  expecting  to  receive,  than  from  any  real 
awkwardness  inherent  in  their  age." 

Reverential  Regard  for  Religion. 

A  reverential  regard  for  religious  observances, 
and  religious  opinions,  is  a  distinguishing  trait  of  a 
refined  mind.  Whatever  your  opinions  on  the  sub- 
ject, you  are  not  to  intrude  them  on  others,  per- 
haps to  the  shaking  of  their  faith  and  happiness. 

Never  read  in  company.    A  gentleman  or  lady 


MISCELLANEOUS  BULES  227 

may  however,  look  over  a  book  of  engravings  with 
propriety. 

Absent  Mindedness. 

Absence  of  mind  is  usually  affected,  and  springs 
in  most  cases  from  a  desire  to  be  thought  abstracted 
in  profound  contemplations.  The  world,  however, 
gives  a  man  no  credit  for  vast  ideas  who  exhibits 
absence  when  he  should  be  attentive,  even  to  trifles- 
The  world  is  right  in  this,  and  I  would  implore 
every  studious  youth  to  forget  that  he  is  studious 
when  he  enters  conipany.  I  have  seen  many  a  man 
who  would  have  made  a  bright  character  otherwise, 
affect  a  foolish  reserve,  remove  himself  as  far  from 
others  as  possible,  and  in  a  mixed  assembly,  where 
social  prattle  or  sincere  conversation  enlivened  the 
hearts  of  the  company,  sit  by  himself  abstracted  in 
a  book.  It  is  foolish,  and,  what  is  worse  for  the 
absentee,  it  looks  so. 

Affectation. 
There  is  nothing  more  diligently  to  be  avoided 
than  every  species  of  affectation.  It  is  always  de- 
tected; and  it  always  disgusts.  It  is  as  often  found 
among  people  'of  fashion  now,  as  a  hundred  years 
since. 

Confidence  and  Secresy. 

There  are  few  points  in  which  men  are  more  fre- 
quently deceived  than  in  the  estimate  which  they 


228  MISCELLANEOUS  BULE8 

form  of  the  confidence  and  secresy  of  those  to  whom 
they  make  communications.  People  constantly  make 
statements  of  delicacy  and  importance  which  they 
expect  will  go  no  farther  and  will  never  be  repeated; 
but  the  number  of  those  who  regard  the  obligation 
of  silence  even  as  to  the  most  particular  afiPairs,  is 
extremely  small. 

.^  A  Woman's  Good  Name. 

Let  no  man  speak  a  word  against  a  woman  at  any 
time,  or  mention  a  woman's  name  in  any  company 
where  it  should  not  be  spoken.  A  person  at  an 
English  dinner-party  once  made  an  after-dinner 
speech,  in  which  he  was  loud  in  his  abuse  of  the 
sex.  When  he  had  concluded,  a  gentleman  whose 
indignation  was  aroused  remarked:  "I  hope  the 
gentleman  refers  to  his  own  mother,  wife  and  sisters 
and  not  to  ours." 

"Civility,"  says  Lord  Chesterfield,  "is  particularly 
due  to  all  women;  and  remember  that  no  provoca- 
tion whatsoever  can  justify  any  man  in  not  being 
civil  to  every  woman;  and  the  greatest  man  would 
justly  be  reckoned  a  brute  if  he  were  not  civil  to  the 
meanest  woman.  It  is  due  to  their  sex,  and  is  the 
only  protection  they  have  against  the  superior 
strength  of  ours." 

Singing  in  Company. 
A  lady  in   company  should   never   exhibit  any 
anxiety  to  sing  or  play;  but  if  she  intends  to   do  so, 


MISCELLANEOUS  RULES  229 

she  should  not  affect  to  refuse  when  asked,  but 
obligingly  accede  at  once.  If  you  cannot  sing  or 
do  not  choose  to,  say  so  with  seriousness  and  gravi- 
ty, and  put  an  end  to  the  expectation  promptly. 
After  singing  once  or  twice,  cease  and  give  place  to 
others.  There  is  an  old  saying,  that  a  singer  can 
with  the  greatest  difficulty  be  set  agoing,  and  when 
agoing,  cannot  be  stopped. 

Gentlemen  at  Evening-parties. 

At  an  evening  party,  a  gentleman  should  abstain 
from  conversing  with  the  members  of  the  family  at 
whose  house  the  company  are  assembled,  as  they 
wish  to  be  occupied  with  entertaining  their  other 
guests.  A  well-bred  man  will  do  all  that  he  can  in 
assisting  the  lady  of  the  house  to  render  the  even- 
ing pleasant.  He  will  avoid  talking  to  men,  and 
will  devote  himself  entirely  to  the  women,  and  es- 
pecially to  those  who  are  not  much  attended  to  by 
others. 

Accepting  an  Invitation. 

If  a  lady  accepts  an  invitation,  nothing  but  the 
most  cogent  necessity  amounting  to  an  absolute  pre- 
vention, should  be  permitted  to  interfere  with  her 
keeping  her  word.  To  decline  at  a  late  period,  after 
having  accepted,  is,  I  believe,  invariably  felt  to  be 
a  rudeness  and  an  insult;  and  it  will  be  resented  in 
some  civil  way. 


230  MISCELLANEO  US  R  ULES 

ExPKEssiNG  Unfavorable  Opinions. 

When  you  find  that  one  of  your  friends  appears 
to  be  attracted  by  a  young  lady,  and  to  be  attentive 
to  her,  j'^ou  should  be  extremely  careful  how  you  ex- 
press to  him  any  unfavorable  opinion  about  her,  or 
indulge  in  any  derogatory  remarks.  If  he  should 
make  her  his  wife,  the  remembrance  of  your  obser- 
vations will  make  a  constant  awkwardness  between 
you. 

Checking  Himself  in  Conversation. 

If  a  person  in  conversation  has  begun  to  say 
something,  and  has  checked  himself,  you  should 
avoid  the  tactless  error  so  often  committed,  of  insist- 
ing on  hearing  him.  Doubtless  there  was  some  rea- 
son for  his  change  of  intention,  and  it  may  make 
him  feel  unpleasantly  to  urge  him  forward  accord- 
ing to  his  first  impulse. 

Cautiousness  and  Sefl-control. 

Cautiousness,  and  the  check  of  an  habitual  self- 
control,  should  accompany  the  mind  of  every  one 
who  launches  out  in  animated  conversation.  When 
the  fancy  js  heated,  and  the  tongue  has  become  rest- 
less through  exercise,  and  there  is  either  a  single 
listener  or  a  circle,  to  reward  display,  nothing  but 
resolute  self-recollection  can  prevent  the  utterance 
of  much  that  had  better  been  left  unsaid. 


MISCELLANEOUS  RULES  231 

Avoid  Argument. 

Avoid  opposition  and  argument  in  conversation. 
Rarely  controvert  opinions;  never  contradict  senti- 
ments. The  expression  of  a  feeling  should  be  re- 
ceived as  a  fact  which  is  not  the  subject  of  confuta- 
tion. Those  who  wrangle  in  company  render  them- 
selves odious  by  disturbing  the  equanimity  of  their 
companion,  and  compelling  him  to  defend  and  give 
a  reason  for  his  opinion,  when  perhaps  he  is  neither 
capable  nor  inclined  to  do  it. 

Civility. 

Civilities  always  merit  acknowledgment;  trivial 
and  personal  ones  by  word;  greater  and  more  dis- 
tant ones  by  letter.  If  a  man  sends  you  his  book, 
or  pays  any  other  similar  compliment,  you  should 
express  your  consideration  of  his  courtesy,  by  a 
note. 

Courtesy. 

Courtesy  is  a  habit  of  which  the  cultivation  is 
recommended  by  the  weightiest  and  most  numerous 
motives.  We  are  led  to  it  by  the  generous  purpose 
of  advan^cing  the  happiness  of  others,  and  the  more 
personal  one  of  making  ourselves  liked  and  courted. 
When  we  see  how  the  demagogue  is  driven  to  affect 
it,  we  learn  how  valuable  the  reality  will  be  to  us. 
"It  is  like  grace  and  beauty,"  says  Montaigne;  "it 
begets  regard  and  an  inclination  to  love  one  at  the 


232  MISCELLANEOUS  RULES 

first  sight,  and  in  the  very  beginning  of  an  acquaint- 
ance." 

Improper  Actions  and  Attitudes. 

Never  pass  between  two  persons  who  are  talking 
together;  and  never  pass  before  any  one  when  it  is 
possible  to  pass  behind  him.  When  such  an  act  is 
absolutely  necessary,  always  apologize  for  so  doing. 

Good  Maxims. 

Bishop  Beveridge  says,  "Never  speak  of  a  man's 
virtues  before  his  face  or  his  faults  behind  his  back." 

Another  maxim  is,  "In  private  watch  your 
thoughts;  in  your  family  watch  your  temper;  in  so- 
ciety watch  your  tongue." 

Politeness. 
Chesterfield  says:  "As  learning,  honor  and  virtue 
are  absolutely  necessary  to  gain  you  the  esteem  and 
admiration  of  mankind,  politeness  and  good  breed- 
ing are  equally  necessary  to  make  you  welcome  and 
agreeable  in  conversation  and  common  life.  Great 
talents,  such  as  honor,  virtue,  learning  and  arts,  are 
above  the  generality  of  the  world,  who  neither  pos- 
sess them  themselves  nor  judge  of  them  rightly  in 
others.  But  all  people  are  judges  of  the  lesser 
talents,  such  as  civility,  affability  and  an  obliging, 
agreeable  address  and  manner,  because  they  feel 
tlie  good  effects  of  them  as  making  society  easy  and 
pleasing." 


MISCELLANEO  US  R  ULE8  233 

Washington's  Maxims. 

Mr.  Sparks  has  given  to  the  public  a  collection 
of  Washington's  maxims  which  he  called  his  "Rules 
of  Civility  and  Decent  Behavior  in  Company."  We 
give  these  rules  entire,  as  they  cannot  fail  to  both 
interest  and  profit  the  reader: 

1.  Every  action  in  company  ought  to  be  with 
some  sign  of  respect  to  those  present. 

2.  In  the  presence  of  others  sing  not  to  yourself 
with  a  humming  voice,  nor  drum  with  your  fingers 
or  feet. 

3.  Speak  not  when  others  speak,  sit  not  when 
others  stand  and  walk  not  when  others  stop. 

4.  Turn  not  your  back  to  others,  especially  in 
speaking;  jog  not  the  table  or  desk  on  which  anoth- 
er reads  or  writes;  lean  not  on  any  one. 

5.  Be  no  flatterer,  neither  play  with  any  one  that 
delights  not  to  be  played  with 

6.  Read  no  letters,  books  or  papers  in  company; 
but  when  there  is  a  necessity  for  doing  it,  you  must 
not  leave.  Come  not  near  the  books  or  writings  of 
any  one  so  as  to  read  them  unasked;  also  look  not 
nigh  when  another  is  writing  a  letter. 

7.  Let  your  countenance  be  pleasant,  but  in  seri- 
ous matters  somewhat  grave. 

8.  Show  not  yourself  glad  at  the  misfortune  of 
another,  though  he  were  your  enemy. 

9.  They  that  are  in  dignity  or  office  have  in  all 
places  precedency,  but  whilst  they  are  young,  they 


234  MISCELLANEO  US  B  ULES 

ought  to  respect  those  that  are  their  equals  in  birth 
or  other  qualities,  though  they  have  no  public 
charge. 

10.  It  is  good  manners  to  prefer  them  to  whom 
we  speak  before  ourselves,  especially  if  they  be  above 
us,  with  whom  in  no  sort  we  ought  to  begin. 

11.  Let  your  discourse  with  men  of  business  be 
short  and  comprehensive. 

12.  In  visiting  the  sick  do  not  presently  play  the 
physician  if  you  be  not  knowing  therein. 

13.  In  writing  or  speaking  give  to  every  person 
his  due  title  according  to  his  degree  and  custom  of 
the  place. 

14.  Strive  not  with  yonr  superiors  in  argument, 
but  always  submit  your  judgment  to  others  with 
modesty. 

15.  Undertake  not  to  teach  your  equal  in  the  art 
he  himself  professes;  it  savors  of  arrogancy. 

16.  When  a  man  does  all  he  can,  though  it  suc- 
ceeds not  well,  blame  not  him  that  did  it. 

17.  Being  to  advise  or  reprehend  any  one,  con- 
sider whether  it  ought  to  be  in  public  or  in  private, 
presently  or  at  some  other  time,  also  in  what  terms 
to  do  it;  and  in  reproving  show  no  signs  of  choler, 
but  do  it  with  sweetness  and  mildness. 

18.  Mock  not  nor  jest  at  anything  of  importance; 
break  no  jests  that  are  sharp  or  biting;  and  if  you 
deliver  anything  witty  or  pleasant,  abstain  from 
laughing  thereat  yourself. 

19.  Wherein  you  reprove  another  be  unblamable 


MISCELLAJSEOUS  BVLE8  235 

yourself,  for  example  is  more  prevalent  than  pre- 
cept. 

20.  Use  no  reproachful  language  against  any  one, 

neither  curses  nor  reviiings. 

21.  Be  not  hasty  to  believe  flying  reports  to  the 
disparagement  of  any  one. 

22.  In  your  apparel  be  modest,  and  endeavor  to 
accommodate  nature  rather  than  procure  admiration. 
Keep  to  the  fashion  of  your  equals,  such  as  are  civil 
and  orderly  with  respect  to  time  and  place. 

23.  Play  not  the  peacock,  looking  everywhere 
about  you  to  see  if  you  be  well  decked,  if  your 
shoes  fit  well,  if  your  stockings  set  neatly  and 
clothes  handsomely. 

24.  Associate  yourself  with  men  of  good  quality 
if  you  esteem  your  own  reputation,  for  it  is  better 
to  be  alone  than  in  bad  company. 

25.  Let  your  conversation  be  without  malice  or 
envy,  for  it  is  a  sign  of  tractable  and  commendable 
nature;  and  in  all  causes  of  passion  admit  reason  to 
govern.  ^ 

26.  Be  not  immodest  in  urging  your  friend  to  dis- 
cover a  secret. 

27.  Utter  not  base  and  frivolous  things  amongst 
grown  and  learned  men,  nor  very  difficult  questions 
or  subjects  amongst  the  ignorant,  nor  things  hard 
to  be  believed. 

28.  Speak  not  of  doleful  things  in  time  of  mirth 
nor  at  the  table;  speak  not  of  melancholy  things,  as 
death  and  wounds;  and  if  others  mention  them, 


236  MISCELLANEOUS  RULES 

change,  if  you  can  the  discourse.    Tell  not  your 
dreams  but  to  your  intimate  friends. 

29.  Break  not  a  jest  when  none  take  pleasure  in 
mirth.  Laugh  not  aloud,  nor  at  all  without  occasion. 
Deride  no  man's  misfortunes,  though  there  seem  to 
be  some  cause. 

30.  Speak  not  injurious  words,  neither  in  jest  nor 
earnest.  Scoff  at  none,  although  they  give  occa- 
sion. 

31.  Be  not  forward,  but  friendly  and  courteous, 
the  first  to  salute,  hear  and  answer,  and  be  not  pen- 
sive when  it  is  time  to  converse. 

32.  Detract  not  from  others,  but  neither  be  exces- 
sive in  commending. 

33.  Go  not  thither  where  you  know  not  whether 
you  shall  be  welcome  or  not.  Give  not  advice  with- 
out being  asked;  and  when  desired,  do  it  briefly. 

34.  If  two  contend  together,  take  not  the  part  of 
either  unconstrained,  and  be  not  obstinate  in  your 
opinion;  in  things  indifferent  be  of  the  major   side. 

35.  Reprehend  not  the  imperfection  of  others,  for 
that  belongs  to  parents,  masters  and  superiors. 

36.  Gaze  not  on  the  marks  or  blemishes  of 
others,  and  ask  not  how  they  came.  What 'you  may 
speak  in  secret  to  your  friend  deliver  not  before 
others. 

37.  Speak  not  in  an  unknown  tongue  in  company 
but  in  your  own  language;  and  that  as  those  of 
quality  do,  and  not  as  the  vulgar.  Sublime  matters 
treat  seriouslv. 


MISCELLANEOUS  BULES  237 

38.  Think  before  you  speak;  pronounce  not  im- 
perfectly, nor  bring  out  your  words  too  hastily,  but 
orderly  and  distinctly. 

39.  When  another  speaks,  be  attentive  yourself, 
and  disturb  not  the  audience.  If  any  hesitate  in  his 
words,  help  him  not,  nor  prompt  him  without  being 
desired;  interrupt  him  not,  nor  answer  him  till  his 
speech  be  ended. 

40.  Treat  with  men  at  fit  times  about  business,  and 
whisper  not  in  the  company  of  others. 

41.  Make  no  comparisons;  and  if  any  of  the  com- 
pany be  commended  for  any  brave  act  of  virtue  com- 
mend not  another  for  the  same. 

42.  Be  not  apt  to  relate  news  if  you  know  not  the 
truth  thereof.  In  discoursing  of  things  you  have 
heard,  name  not  your  author  always.  A  secret  dis- 
cover not. 

43.  Be  not  curious  to  know  the  affairs  of  others, 
neither  approach  to  those  that  speak  in  private. 

44.  Undertake  not  what  you  cannot  perform;  but 
be  careful  to  keep  your  promise. 

45.  When  you  deliver  a  matter,  do  it  without  pas- 
sion and  indiscretion,  however  mean  the  person 
may  be  you  do  it  to. 

46.  When  your  superiors  talk  to  anybody,  hear 
them;  neither  speak  nor  laugh. 

47.  In  disputes  be  not  so  desirous  to  overcome  as 
not  to  give  liberty  to  each  one  to  deliver  his  opin- 
ion, and  submit  to  the  judgment  of  the  major  part, 
especially  if  they  are  judges  of  the  dispute. 


288  MISCELLANEO  US  B  ULES 

48.  Be  not  tedious  in  discourse,  make  not  many 
digressions,  nor  repeat  often  the  same  matter  of  dis- 
course. 

49.  Speak  no  evil  of  the  absent,  for  it  is  unjust. 

50.  Be  not  angry  at  table,  whatever  happens;  and 
if  you  have  reason  to  be  so  show  it  not;  put  on  a 
cheerful  countenance,  especially  if  there  be  strangers 
for  good  humor  makes  one  dish  a  feast. 

51.  Set  not  yoarself  at  the  upper  end  of  the  table; 
but  if  it  be  your  due,  or  the  master  of  the  house 
will  have  it  so,  contend  not,  lest  you  should  trouble 
the  company. 

52.  When  you  speak  of  God  or  his  attributes,  let 
it  be  seriously,  in  reverence  and  honor,  and  obey 
your  natural  parents. 

53.  Let  your  recreations  be  manful,  not  sinful. 

54.  Labor  to  keep  alive  in  your  breast  that  little 
spark  of  celestial  fire  called  conscience. 

Principles  op  Good-breeding. 
The  principles  of  good-breeding  are  all  found- 
ed in  generosity.  We  must  educate  ourselves  into 
those  feelings  which  teach  us  to  consult  the  welfare 
and  comfort  of  others,  and  to  bow  ourselves  to  the 
restraints  of  honor.  It  is  only  by  discipline  and  ef- 
fort that  we  can  attain  to  that  elevation  of  charact- 
er. But  high  as  the  result  may  be,  it  is  always  obe- 
dient to  those  endeavors;  and  every  man  may 
take  home  to  himself  the  assurance  that  time  and 
toil  will  enable  him  to  reach  the  last  and  loftiest 


MISCELLANEOUS  RULES  239 

conclusions  in  that  department,  and  be  honored  and 
respected  by  all. 

Attention  to  Small  Matters. 

There  is  nothing,  however  minute  in  manners, 
however  insignificant  in  appearance  that  does  not 
demand  some  portion  of  attention  from  a  well-bred 
and  highly-polished  young  man  or  woman.  An 
author  of  no  small  literary  renown,  has  observed, 
that  several  of  the  minutest  habits  or  acts  of  some 
individuals  may  give  sufficient  reasons  to  guess  at 
their  temper.  The  choice  of  a  dress,  or  even  the 
folding  and  sealing  of  a  letter,  will  bespeak  the 
shrew  and  the  scold,  the  careless  and  the  negligent. 


CHAPTER  XVIII. 
WASHINGTON  ETIQUETTE 

THE  wife  of  the  chief-justice,  is  the  first  lady 
in  the  land,  and  takes  precedence  of  all  oth- 
ers.   She  holds  receptions   and   receives   calls,   but 
she  alone  is  excluded  from  all  duty  of  returning 
calls. 
Next  in  rank  comes  the  wife  of  the  President. 

Social  Duties  of  the  President. 

It  is  customary  for  the  President  to  give  several 
state  dinners  and  official  receptions  during  each  ses- 
sion of  Congress.  Besides  these,  there  are  also  gen- 
eral receptions,  at  which  time  the  White  House  is 
open  to  the  public  and  any  citizen  of  the  United 
States  has  the  recognized  right  of  paying  his  re- 
spects to  the  President. 

Presidential  Receptions. 

On  the  days  appointed  for  the  regular  "levees"  the 
doors  of  the  White  House  are  thrown  open,  and  the 
world  is  indiscriminately  invited  to  enter  them. 


WASHING  TON  ETIQ  UETTE.  241 

No  special  dress  is  required  to  make  one's  ap- 
pearance at  this  republican  court,  but  every  one 
dresses  according  to  his  or  her  own  taste  or  fancy. 
The  fashionable  carriage  or  walking-dress  is  seen 
side  by  side  with  the  uncouth  homespun  of  the  back- 
woodsman and  his  wife. 

Nor  are  there  any  forms  or  ceremonies  to  be  com- 
plied with  to  gain  admittance  to  the  presidential 
presence.  You  enter,  an  official  announces  you, 
and  you  proceed  directly  to  the  President  and  his 
wife  and  pay  your  respects.  They  exchange  a  few 
words  with  you,  and  then  you  pass  on, to  make  room 
for  the  throng  that  is  pressing  behind  you.  You 
may  loiter  about  the  rooms  for  a  short  time,  chat- 
ting with  acquaintances  or  watching  the  shifting 
panorama  of  faces,  and  then  go  quietly  out,  and  the 
levee  is  ended  for  ^''ou. 

Private  Call  upon  the  President. 

If  you  wish  to  make  a  private  call  upon  the  Pres- 
ident, you  will  find  it  necessary  to  secure  the  com- 
pany and  influence  of  some  official  or  special  friend 
of  the  President.  Otherwise,  though  you  will  be 
readily  admitted  to  the  White  House,  you  will  prob- 
ably fail  in  obtaining  a  personal  interview. 

Social  Duties  op  Cabinet   Officers   and  their 
Families. 

The  ladies  of  the  family  of  a  Cabinet  officer  should 

16 


242  WASHINGTON  ETIQUETTE 

hold  receptions  every  Wednesday  during  the  season 
from  two  or  three  o'clock  to  half-past  five.  On  these 
occasions  the  houses  should  be  open  to  all.  Refresh- 
ments and  an  extra  number  of  servants  are  provid- 
ed. The  refreshments  for  these  receptions  may  be 
plain,  consisting  of  chocolate,  tea,  cakes,  etc. 

Every  one  who  has  called  and  left  a  card  at  a 
"Wednesday  receptions  is  entitled  to  two  acknowl- 
edgments of  the  call.  The  first  must  be  a  returning  of 
the  call  by  the  ladies  of  the  family,  who  at  the  same 
time  leave  the  official  card  of  the  minister.  The 
second  acknowledgment  of  the  call  is  an  invitation 
to  an  evening  reception. 

Cabinet  officers  are  also  expected  to  entertain  at 
dinners  Senators,  Representatives,  justices  of  the 
Supreme  Court,  the  diplomatic  corps,  and  many  oth- 
er public  officers,  with  the  ladies  of  their  families. 

The  season  proper  for  receptions  is  from  the  first 
of  January  to  the  beginning  of  Lent.  The  season 
for  dinners  lasts  until  the  adjournment  of  Congress. 

Social  Duties   of    Congressmen    and  their 
Families. 

It  is  optional  with  Senators  and  Representatives, 
as  with  all  officers  except  the  President  and  mem- 
bers of  the  Cabinet,  whether  they  shall  "entertain." 

"There  is  a  vast  expense  in  all  this,  but  that  is  not 
all.  The  labor  and  fatigue  which  society  imposes 
upon  the  ladies  of  the  family  of  a  Cabinet  officer 
are  fairly  appalling.    To  stand  for  hours  during 


WASHINGTON  ETIQUETTE.  243 

receptions  at  her  own  house,  to  stand  at  a  series  of 
entertainments  at  the  houses  of  others  whose  invita- 
tions courtesy  requires  should  be  accepted,  and  to  re- 
turn in  person  all  the  calls  made  upon  her,  are  a 
few  of  the  duties  of  the  wife  of  a  high  official.  It 
is  doubtful  if  her  husband,  with  the  cares  of  state, 
leads  so  really  laborious  a  life." 


CHAPTER  XIX. 
BUSINESS. 

MANY  will  probably  think  that  among  busi- 
ness men  is  the  last  place  to  look  for  polite- 
ness; but  in  no  place  is  it  more  necessary. 

Many  a  man  has  lost  a  good  customer,  or  missed 
making  a  profitable  bargain,  by  a  sharp,  abrupt  an- 
swer to  a  civil  question. 

Many  pages  could  be  compiled  showing  instances 
where  great  advantages  have  been  derived  from 
practising  politeness  and  suavity  in  the  most  impor- 
tant matters,  as  well  as  in  trifling  business  affairs. 

Here,  as  elsewhere,  the  golden  maxim  of  **  doing 
unto  others  as  we  wish  to  be  done  by,"  shines  out  in 
resplendent  brightness. 

Never  keep  a  man  listening  to  you  during  busi- 
ness hours.  You  may  have  all  your  business  done 
for  the  day,  while  he  may  be  cogitating  how  to  meet 
a  note  or  buy  a  cargo. 

Letters  asking  information  should  always  enclose 
envelope  and  return  stamp. 

Avoid  asking  your  correspondent  to  transact  any 


BUSINJESS.  245 

business  for  you,  that  in  its  nature  does  not  admit 
of  repayment.     Time  to  a  business  man  is  money. 

If  you  should  happen  to  be  a  bank  teller,  be  as 
civil  to  the  most  coarsly  clad  as  to  the  most  elabo- 
rately dressed.  Remember  that  the  poor  man  of  to- 
day may  be  the  millionaire  of  to-morrow.  So  that, 
even  as  a  business  speculation,  it  pays  to  be  polite. 

The  lamented  George  Peabody  and  the  great 
Lafitte  were  as  approachable  to  the  poorest,  having 
business  with  them,  as  if  they  themselves  did  not 
own  the  shoes  they  stood  in. 

Politeness  even  to  the  most  inferior  person,  like 
bread  cast  upon  the  waters,  may  return  after  many 
days, — even  long  after  you  may  have  forgotten  all 
about  the  incident. 

No  matter  how  pressing  your  business  may  be  in 
thronged  marts  or  crowded  banks, — if  you  jostle  a 
man,  however  accidentally,  always  raise  your  hat, 
and  look  an  apology,  even  where  you  have  no  chance 
of  speaking  one. 

Keep  your  temper  in  discussing  all  business  affairs; 
let  your  opponent  in  a  controversy  put  himself  in 
the  wrong  if  he  wishes  to  do  so;  but  let  your  calm 
politeness  disarm  his  blustering  rudeness. 

But  if  the  great  merchant  or  the  jgreat  banker 
owes  courteous  and  polite  treatment  to  those  he  comes 
in  contact  with,  the  duty  of  being  polite  and  pleas- 
ant is  doubly  incumbent  upon  the  rising  man  or  the 
man  hoping  to  rise. 

It  is  not  good   taste  when  meeting  in   business 


246  BUSINi:SS. 

hours  to  go  into  any  long  detail  or  discussion  of  mat- 
ters foreign  to  the  subject  on  which  you  have  called. 

Even  in  speaking  of  your  business  affairs,  be  as 
brief  as  is  consistent  with  clearness.  Remember 
that  a  short  call  in  business  hours  is  likely  to  be  a 
pleasant  one. 

We  often  hear  of  the  rudeness  of  would-be  aristo- 
crats; but  generally  impoliteness  departs  with  coarse 
habits.  A  man  would  not  be  tolerated  in  good  socie- 
ty, however  rich  he  might  be,  who  brought  with 
him  the  manners  of  a  boor. 

Truly  has  the  poet  said,  "'tis  manners  make  the 
man,  the  want  of  it  the  fellow;"  and  it  behooves  a 
man  in  every  station,  and  under  every  possible  cir- 
cumstance, to  be  as  agreeable  as  possible  to  every 
one  he  meets  with. 

Let  your  reply  to  any  interrogation  be  given  free- 
ly and  willingly,  although  you  may  not  see  how  it 
is  going  to  benefit  you. 

Set  an  example  to  your  clerks  and  other  employ- 
ees. Speak  kindly,  even  where  it  is  necessary  to  re- 
prove them  for  any  shortcomings. 

Consideration  for  the  feelings  of  others  is  the  main 
thing. 

On  no  occasion,  nor  under  any  temptation,  mis- 
lead or  falsify.  Temporarily  the  advantage  may 
come  from  it  eventually  you  are  sure  to  be  the  loser. 

Never  by  word  or  deed  falsify  in  representing  an 
article  to  be  better  than  you  know  it  really  to  be. 

To  break  an  appointment  is  the  height  of  ill-man- 


BUSINESS.  247 

ners,  in  any  case;  but  to  break  an  appointment  with 
a  business  man,  is  likewise  a  positive  wrong.  How 
little  do  you  know  what  sacrifices  he  may  be  making 
to  keep  his  engagement  good. 

When  circumstances  inevitably  prevent  your  keep- 
ing an  appointment,  at  once  write,  or,  what  is  still 
better,  send  a  special  message  to  that  effect. 

Make  it  a  rule  to  reply  to  all  letters  immediately. 

Never  even  glance  at  any  mercantile  book  or  pa- 
per which  may  accidentally  be  left  open  before  you. 

Do  not  listen  to  any  business  conversation  carried 
on  by  persons  near  you,  and  which  they  evidently 
don't  desire  you  to  overhear. 

Do  not  inflict  upon  a  mere  business  acquaintance 
a  tedious  recital  of  your  gains  and  losses.  Every 
man  has  just  as  much  of  his  own  affairs  to  think 
about  as  he  cares  to  employ  his  mind  upon. 

It  may  seem  a  trite  remark,  but  true  politeness  is 
often  shown  by  not  neglecting  to  "shut  the  door." 

Call  on  a  business  man  at  business  times  only,  and 
on  business;  transact  your  business,  and  go  about 
your  business,  in  order  to  give  him  time  to  finish  his 
business. 


CHAPTER  XX. 
ANNIVERSARY  WEDDINGS. 

CELEBRATING  Anniversary  weddings  is  a 
very  pleasant  custom  which  is  coming  grad- 
ually into  general  favor.  Special  anniversaries  are 
designated  by  special  names,  indicating  the  presents 
suitable  on  each  occasion. 

The  Paper  Wedding. 

The  first  anniversary  is  called  the  paper  wed- 
ding. The  invitations  to  this  wedding  should  be 
issued  on  a  gray  paper,  representing  thin  card- 
board. 

Presents  from  the  guests  are  appropriate,  but  not 
by  any  means  obligatory.  These  presents,  if  given, 
should  be  only  of  articles  made  of  paper.  Thus, 
boxes  of  note-paper  and  envelopes,  books,  sheets  of 
music,  engravings  and  delicate  knickknacks  of  pa- 
pier mache  are  all  appropriate  for  this  occasion. 

The  Wooden  Wedding. 
We  celebrate  the  wooden  wedding  on  the  fifth  an- 
niversary of   the  marriage.      The  invitations  for 


ANNIVERSARY  WEDDINGS.  249 

this  wedding,  if  it  is  desired  to  make  them  appro- 
priate to  the  occasion,  should  be  upon  thin  cards  of 
wood.    They  may  also  be  written  on  a  sheet  of  wed-, 
ding  note-paper,  and  a  card  of  wood  enclosed  in  the 
envelope. 

The  presents  suitable  to  this  occasion  are  very 
numerous,  and  may  range  from  a  wooden  paper- 
knife  or  trifling  article  for  kitchen  use  up  to  a  com- 
plete set  of  chamber  or  parlor  furniture. 

The  Tin  Wedding. 

The  tenth  anniversary  of  the  marriage  calls  for 
the  tin  wedding.  The  invitations  for  this  anniver- 
sary may  be  made  upon  cards  covered  with  tin-foil, 
or  upon  the  ordinary  wedding  note-paper,  with  a 
tin  card  enclosed. 

Those  guests,  who  desire  to  accompany  their  con- 
gratulations with  appropriate  presents,  have  the 
whole  list  of  articles  manufactured  by  the  tinner 
from  which  to  select. 

The  Crystal  Wedding. 

Next  in  order  comes  the  crystal  wedding  being 
the  fifteenth  anniversary.  Invitations  to  this  wed- 
ding may  be  on  thin  transparent  paper,  on  colored 
sheets  of  prepared  gelatine  or  on  ordinary  wedding 
note-paper,  enclosing  a  sheet  of  mica. 

The  guests  make  their  offerings  to  their  host  and 
hostess  of  trifles  of  glass,  which  are  more  or  less 
valuable,  as  the  donor  feels  inclined. 


250  ANNIVEBSABY  WEDDINGS. 

The  China  "Wedding. 

The  china  wedding  takes  place  on  the  twen- 
tieth anniversary  of  the  wedding-day.  Invitations 
to  this  anniversary  wedding  should  be  issued  on 
exceedingly  fine,  semi-transparent  note-paper  or 
cards. 

Various  articles  for  the  dining  or  tea-table  or  for 
the  toilet-stand,  vases  or  mantel  ornaments,  all  are 
appropriate  on  this  occasion. 

The  Silver  Wedding. 

The  silver  wedding  is  celebrated  on  the  twenty- 
fifth  marriage  anniversary.  The  invitations  given 
for  this  wedding  should  be  upon  the  finest  note-pa- 
per, printed  in  bright  silver,  with  monogram  or 
crest  upon  both  paper  and  envelope,  in  silver  also. 

If  presents  are  offered  by  any  of  the  guests,  they 
should  be  of  silver,  and  may  be  mere  trifles  or  more 
expensive,  as  the  means  and  inclinations  of  the  do- 
nors incline  them  to  present. 

The  Golden  Wedding. 

At  the  close  of  the  fiftieth  year  of  married  life  is 
the  time  for  the  golden  wedding.  Fifty  years  of 
married  happiness  should  indeed  be  crowned  with 
gold. 

The  invitations  for  this  anniversary  celebration 
should  be  printed  on  the  finest  note-paper  in  gold, 
with  crest  or  monogram  on  both  envelope  and  pa- 


ANNIVERSARY  WEDDINGS.  251 

per  in  highly-burnished  gold.    The  presents,  if  any, 
are  also  in  gold. 

The  Diamond  Wedding. 
Few,  there  are  that  celebrate  their  diamond  wed- 
ding. This  is  celebrated  on  the  seventy-fifth  anni- 
versary of  the  marriage-day.  So  rare  is  this  occur- 
rence that  custom  has  given  us  no  particular  style 
or  form  to  be  observed  in  the  invitations.  These 
invitations  may  be  issued  upon  diamond-shaped 
cards,  enclosed  in  envelopes  of  a  corresponding 
shape.  There  can  be  no  general  offering  of  presents 
at  such  a  wedding,  since  diamonds  in  any  number 
are  beyond  the  means  of  most  persons. 

Peesents  at  Anniversary  Weddings. 

It  is  not  required  that  an  invitation  to  an  anni- 
versary wedding  be  acknowledged  by  a  valuable 
gift,  or  indeed  by  any.  The  donors  on  such  occa- 
sions are  usually  only  members  of  the  family  or  in- 
timate friends. 

On  the  celebration  of  golden  or  silver  weddings 
it  is  a  good  plan  to  have  printed  at  the  bottom  of 
the  invitation  the  words  "No  presents,"  or  to  enclose 
a  card  reading  thus: 

"It  is  preferred  that  no  wedding  gifts  be   offered." 

It  is  perfectly  proper,  though  not  at  all  obliga- 
tory, at  the  earlier  anniversaries  to  present  trifles  in 
paper,  wood,  tin,  glass  or  china,  which,  if  well  chos- 
en, often  add  to  the  amusement  and  sociability  of 
the  evening. 


252  ANNIVERSARY  WEDDINGS. 

Invitations  to  Anniversary  Weddings. 

The  invitations  on  these  occasions  may  vary 
somewhat  in  their  wordings,  according  to  the  fancy 
of  the  writer,  but  they  are  all  similar.  They  should 
give  the  date  of  the  marriage,  also  the  anniversary. 
They  may  or  may  not  give  the  name  of  the  husband 
at  the  right-hand  side  and  the  maiden  name  of  the 
wife  at  the  left.  What  the  anniversary  is  should  al- 
so be  stated. 

The  following  form  will  serve  as  a  model: 

1852-1877. 

The  pleasure  of  your  company  is  requested  at  the 

Silver  Wedding  Reception 

of 
Mr.  and  Mrs.  Henry  Ellsworth, 

On  Thursday  evening,  May  17 ih,  at  nine  oclocJc. 

348,  Monroe  Street. 
R.  s.  V.  P. 

By  varying  the  dates  and  inserting  in  the  place 
of  the  word  "silver,"  of  "paper,"  "wooden,"  "tin," 
"crystal,"  "china,"  "golden,"  or  "diamond,"  this 
form  will  be  equally  suitable  for  any  of  the  other 
anniversary  weddings. 

Marriage  Ceremony  at  Anniversary  Weddings 

It  is  quite  common  to  have  the  marriage  ceremo- 
ny repeated  at  these  anniversary  weddings,  more 


ANNIVERSARY  WEDDINGS.  253 

especially  at  the  silver  or  golden  wedding.  The 
earlier  anniversaries  are  rather  too  trivial  occasions 
upon  which  to  introduce  this  ceremony,  especially 
since  the  parties  may  not  yet  have  had  sufficient 
time  to  discover  whether  an  application  for  divorce 
may  not  yet  be  deemed  necessary  by  one  or  the  other. 
But  there  is  a  certain  impressiveness  in  seeing  a  hus- 
band and  wife  who  have  remained  faithful  to  each 
other  for  a  quarter  or  half  a  century  publicly  re- 
newing their  vows  of  fidelity  and  love,  which  then 
can  only  mean  "till  death  us  do  part."  The  clergy- 
man who  officiates  'on  this  occasion  will  of  course  so 
change  the  exact  words  of  the  marriage  ceremony 
as  to  make  them  perfectly  appropriate  to  the  occa- 
sion. 


CHAPTER  XXI. 
FUNERALS. 

ALL  manner  of  ostentation  at  funerals,  should 
be  carefully  avoided.  Mourning  is  rejected 
by  many  persons  of  intelligence,  who  think  it  a  temp- 
tation to  extravagance,  and  who  regard  it,  moreover' 
as  requiring  too  much  thought  and  trouble  when 
the  mind  is  overwhelmed  with  real  grief. 

The  hired  mutes  and  heavy  trappings  of  woe 
which  are  still  in  use  in  England  are  entirely  aban- 
doned in  this  country.  i 

Invitations  to  a  Funeral. 

On  the  mournful  occasion  when  death  takes  place, 
the  most  proper  course  is  to  announce  the  decease 
in  the  newspaper.  An  intimation  that  friends  will 
kindly  accept  such  notice  appended  to  the  announce- 
ment saves  a  large  amount  of  painful  correspon- 
dence. 

Near  relations,  and  those  whose  presence  is  desired 
at  the  funeral,  should  be  communicated  with  by  let- 
ter, upon  mourning  paper;  the  depth  of  the  mourn- 


FUNERALS.  255 

ing  border  depending  on  the  age,  or  position,  of  the 
deceased. 

Private  invitations  are  usually  printed  in  forms . 
something  like  the  following: 

"  You  are  respectfully  invited  to  attend  the  funeral 
of  John  Jones  on  Friday,  June  3,  18 — ,  at  11  a.  m„ 
from  his  late  residence,  417  Washington  street  (or 
from  Grace  M.  E.  Church.)  To  proceed  to  Grace- 
wood  Cemetery. 

These  invitations  should  be  delivered  by  a  pri- 
vate messenger. 

Whether  other  invitations  are  sent  or  not,  notes 
must  be  sent  to  those  who  are  desired  to  act  as  pall- 
bearers. 

Chakge  op  Affairs  at  a  Funeral. 

The  arrangements  for  the  funeral  are  usually  left 
to  the  undertaker,  who  best  knows  how  to  proceed, 
and  who  will  save  the  family  of  the  deceased  all 
the  cares  and  annoyances  at  the  time  they  are  least 
fitted  to  meet  them. 

Such  details  as  usually  do  not  fall  to  the  under- 
taker are  entrusted  to  some  relative  or  friend  who 
is  acquainted  with  business.  This  friend,  should  have 
an  interview  with  the  family  or  some  representative 
of  it,  and  learn  what  their  wishes  may  be  and  re- 
ceive from  them  a  limit  of  expenses. 

Expense  of  Funeral. 
As  to  this  limit,  let  it  be  born  in  mind  that  it 


256  FUNERALS. 

should  alwayshe  according  to  the  means  of  the  fami- 
ly; that  nothing  can  excuse  an  extravagance  and  dis- 
play at  a  funeral  which  must  be  indulged  in  at  the 
expense  of  privation  afterward,  or  perhaps,  worse 
still,  at  that  of  the  creditors.  Pomp  and  display 
are  at  all  times  out  of  keeping  with  the  solemn  occa- 
sion and  inconsistent  with  real  grief 

General  Rules  of  Etiquette  concerning 
Houses  of  Mourning. 

No  one  should  call  upon  a  bereaved  family  while 
the  dead  remains  in  the  house,  and  they  are  excus- 
able if  they  refuse  to  see  friends  and  relatives. 

Upon  a  death  occurring  in  a  house,  it  is  desirable 
that  some  outward  sign  should  be  given  to  keep 
away  casual  visitors.  The  usual  means  of  doing 
this  is  by  tying  black  crape  upon  the  bell  or  door- 
knob, with  a  black  ribbon  if  the  person  is  married 
or  advanced  in  years,  with  a  white  one  if  young  and 
unmarried.  The  customs  of  different  localities  des- 
ignate when  this  crape  should  be  removed. 

Conveyances  for  a  Funeral. 
For  those  friends  specially  invited,  carriages  should 
be  furnished  to  take  them  to  the  cemetery.  A  list 
of  invited  persons  should  be  given  to  the  undertak- 
er, that  he  may  know  the  order  in  which  they  are  to 
be  placed  in  the  carriages. 

Exhibiting  the  Corpse. 
If  the  guests  are  invited  to  go  from  the  house  to 


FUNERALS.       -  257 

the  church,  the  corpse  is  usually  exposed  in  the 
drawing-room,  while  the  family  are  assembled  in 
another  apartment.  If  the  guests  go  directly  to  the 
church,  the  coffin  is  placed  in  front  of  the  chancel, 
and  after  the  services  the  lid  is  removed  and  friends 
pass  up  one  aisle,  past  the  coffin,  from  the  feet  to  the 
head,  and  down  the  other  aisle  out. 

Receiving  Guests  at  a  Funeral. 
If  the  services  are  held  at  the  house,  some  near 
friend  or  relative  will  receive  the  guests.    The  ladies 
of  the  family  do  not  show  themselves  at  all.    The 
gentleman  may  do  as  they  please. 

Proceeding  to  the  Cemetery. 

The  procession  moves  from  the  door  just  one  hour 
after  the  time  set  for  the  funeral. 

In  England  the  male  friends  only,  follow  the  corpse 
to  its  final  resting  place.  In  this  country  it  is  prop- 
er for  the  female  friends  and  relatives  to  do  so  if  they 
desire  it,  as  they  generally  do. 

The  carriage  occupied  by  the  clergyman  precedes 
the  hearse.  The  carriage  immediately  following  the 
hearse  is  occupied  by  the  nearest  relatives,  the  fol- 
lowing carriages  by  the  more  remote  relations. 

While  the  mourners  pass  out  to  enter  the  carria- 
ges the  guests  stand  with  uncovered  heads.  No  sal- 
utations are  given  or  received.  The  person  who  has 
been  selected  to  officiate  as  superintendent  of  cere- 
monies assists  the  mourners  to  enter  and  alight  from 
the  carriages. 


258  FUNERALS. 

Sometimes  the  private  carriage  of  the  deceased  is 
placed  in  the  procession,  empty,  immediately  behind 
the  hearse. 

The  horse  of  a  deceased  mounted  officer,  fully 
equipped  and  draped  in  mourning,  may  be  led  im- 
mediately after  the  hearse. 

In  toAvns  and  villages  where  the  cemetery  is  near 
at  hand  it  is  customary  for  all  to  proceed  to  it  on 
foot.  The  hat  must  be  removed  when  the  coffin  is 
carried  from  the  hearse  to  the  church  or  back,  when 
the  guests  may  form  a  double  line,  between  which 
it  passes. 

At  the  cemetery  the  clergyman  or  priest  walks  in 
advance  of  the  coffin. 

Flowers  at  a  Funeral. 
It  is  the  custom  to  deck  the  corpse  and  coffin 
with  flowers,  but  it  is  somewhat  expensive.  Upon  the 
coffin  of  an  infant  or  a  young  person  a  wreath  of 
flowers  should  be  placed,  upon  that  of  a  married 
person  a  cross.  These  flowers  should  always  be 
white.  Friends  sending  flowers  should  send  them 
in  time  to  be  used  for  decorative  purposes. 

Other  Decorations  upon  the  Coffin. 

If  the  deceased  be  a  person  of  rank  he  generally 
bears  some  insignia  of  his  rank  upon  his  coffin-lid. 
Thus,  a  deceased  army  or  naval  officer  will  have 
his  coffin  covered  with  the  national  flag,  and  his  hat, 
epaulettes,  sword  and  sash  laid  upon  the  lid. 


FUNERALS.  259 

After  the  Funeral. 

Guests  should  not  return  to  the  house  of  mourn- 
ing after  the  funeral.  "In  some  sections  it  is  cus-- 
tomary  to  conclude  the  ceremonies  of  the  day  with 
a  dinner  or  banquet,  but  this  is  grossly  out  of  place 
and  not  to  be  tolerated  by  any  one  of  common  sense 
and  refinement.  If  friends  have  come  from  a  dis- 
tance, it  may  sometimes  be  a  matter  of  necessity  to 
extend  a  brief  hospitality  to  them;  but  if  the  guests 
can  avoid  this  necessity,  they  should  do  so.  This 
hospitality  should  be  of  the  quietest  sort,  and  in  no 
manner  become  an  entertainment. 

It  is  the  crudest  blow  which  can  be  given  be- 
reaved friends  to  fill  the  house  with  strangers  or  in- 
different acquaintances  and  the  sound  of  feasting  at 
a  time  when  they  desire  of  all  things  to  be  left  alone 
with  their  sorrw." 

Notification  op  Death. 
An  English  custom,  which  is  beginning  to  be 
adopted  in  America,  is  to  send  cards  deeply  edged 
in  black  to  relatives  and  friends  upon  which  are 
printed  or  engraved  the  name  of  the  deceased,  with 
his  age  and  date  of  his  death.  These  cards  must 
be  immediately  acknowledged  by  letters  of  condo- 
lence and  offers  of  assistance,  but  on  no  account  by 
personal  visits  within  a  short  time  after  the  fu- 
neral. 

Obligation  to  Attend  a  Funeral. 
Every  one  except  those  who  are  themselves  in 


2G0  FUNERALS. 

deep  affliction  are  under  obligation  to  attend  a  fu- 
neral to  which  they  have  been  invited. 

Seclusion  of  the  Bereaved  Family. 

No  one  of  the  immediate  family  of  the   deceased 

should  leave  the  house   between  the  time,  of  the 

death  and  the  funeral.    A  lady  friend  should  make 

all  necessary  purchases  and  engage  seamstresses,  etc. 

Period  of  Mourning. 

On  this  subject  we  quote  from  a  modern  writer 
who  says: 

"Those  who  wish  to  show  themselves  strict  obser- 
vers of  etiquette  keep  their  houses  in  twilight  se- 
clusion and  sombre  with  mourning  for  a  year,  or 
more,  allowing  the  piano  to  remain  closed  for  the 
same  length  of  time.  But  in  this  close  observance 
of  the  letter  of  the  law  its  spirit  is  lost  entirely. 

It  is  not  desirable  to  enshroud  ourselves  in  gloom 
after  a  bereavement,  no  matter  how  great  it  has  been. 
It  is  our  duty  to  ourselves  and  to  the  world  to  re- 
gain our  cheerfulness  as  soon  as  we  may,  and  all 
that  conduces  to  this  we  are  religiously  bound  to  ac- 
cept, whether  it  be  music,  the  bright  light  of  heaven, 
cheerful  clothing  or  the  society  of  friends. 

At  all  events,  the  moment  we  begin  to  chafe 
against  the  requirements  of  etiquette,  grow  wearied 
of  the  darkened  room,  long  for  the  open  piano  and 
look  forward  impatiently  to  the  time  when  we  may 
lay  aside  our  mourning,  from  that  moment  we  are 


FUNERALS.  261 

slaves  to  a  law  which  was  originally  made  to  serve 
us  in  allowing  us  to  do  unquestioned  what  was  sup- 
posed to  be  in  true  harmony  with  our  gloomy  feel- 
ings. 

The  woman  who  wears  the  badge  of  widowhood 
for  exactly  two  years  to  a  day,  and  then  puts  it  off 
suddenly  for  ordinary  colors,  and  who  possibly  has 
already  contracted  an  engagement  for  a  second  mar- 
riage during  these  two  years  of  supposed  mourning, 
confesses  to  a  slavish  hypocrisy  in  making  an  osten- 
tatious show  of  a  grief  which  has  long  since  died  a 
natural  (and  shall  we  not  say  a  desirable?)  death. 

In  these  respects  let  us  be  natural,  and  let  us 
moreover,  remember  that,  though  the  death  of 
friends  brings  us  real  and  heartfelt  sorrow,  yet  it  is 
still  a  time  for  rejoicing  for  their  sakes." 


CHAPTER  XXII. 
DUESS. 

ATTENTION  to  one's  person,  as  well  as  to 
their  reputation,  is  very  necessary.  If  van- 
ity, pride  or  prudery,  have  frequently  given  to  these 
attentions  the  names  of  coquetry,  anibition  or  folly, 
it  is  no  reason  why  they  should  be  neglected. 

First  Impressions. 

First  impressions  are  apt  to  be  permanent;  it  is 
therefore  of  importance  that  they  should  be  favora- 
ble. The  dress  of  an  individual  is  that  circumstance 
from  which  you  first  form  your  opinion  of  him.  It 
is  even  more  prominent  than  manner.  It  is  indeed 
the  only  thing  which  is  remarked  in  a  casual  encoun- 
ter, or  during  the  first  interview. 

What  style  is  to  our  thoughts,  dress  is  to  our  per- 
sons. It  may  supply  ihe  place  of  more  solid  quali- 
ties, and  without  it  the  most  solid  are  of  little  avail. 
Numbers  have  owed  their  elevation  to  their  attefi- 
tion  to  the  toilet.  Place,  fortune,  marriage  have  all 
been  lost  by  neglecting  it. 


DRESS.  263 

Consistency  in  Deess. 

Your  dress  should  always  be  consistent  with  your 
age  and  your  natural  exterior.  That  which  looka 
ill  on  one  person,  will  be  agreeable  on  another.  As 
success  in  this  respect  depends  almost  entirely  upon 
particular  circumstances  and  personal  peculiarities, 
it  is  impossible  to  give  general  directions  of  much 
importance.  We  can  only  point  out  the  field  for 
study  and  research,  it  belongs  to  each  one's  own 
genius  and  industry  to  deduce  the  results.  Howev- 
er ugly  you  may  be,  rest  assured  that  there  is  some 
style  of  habiliment  which  will  make  you  passable. 

Plain  Dressing. 

The  plainest  dress  is  always  the  most  genteel,  and 
a  lady  that  dresses  plainly  will  never  be  dressed  un- 
fashionably. 

Next  to  plainness  in  every  w^ell-dressed  lady  is 
neatness  of  dress  and  taste  in  the  selection  of  colors. 

Too  Rich  Dressing. 

If  we  were  allowed  to  say  anything  to  the  ladies 
concerning  dress  in  a  dictatorial  way,  and  were  sure 
of  being  obeyed,  we  should  order  them  generally  to 
dress  less.  How  often  do  we  see  a  female  attired  in 
the  height  of  fashion,  perfectly  gorgeous  in  costume, 
sweeping  along  the  dusty  street,  perspiring  under 
the  weight  of  her  finery — dressed,  in  fact,  in  a  man- 
ner fit  only  for  a  carriage.    This  is  a  very  mistaken 


264  DIii:SS. 

and  absurd  fashion,  and  such  people  would  be  as- 
tonished to  see  the  simplicity  of  real  aristocracy  as 
regards  dress. 

Elegant  Dressing. 

Some  ladies  perhaps  imagining  that  they  are  defi- 
cient in  personal  charms — and  we  are  willing  to  be- 
lieve that  there  are  such,  although  the  Chesterfield- 
ian  school  of  philosophers  would  ridicule  the  idea — 
endeavor  to  make  their  clothes  the  spell  of  their  at- 
traction. With  this  end  in  view,  they  labor  by  lav- 
ish expenditure  to  supply  in  expensive  adornment 
what  they  lack  in  beauty  of  form  or  feature.  Un- 
fortunately for  their  success,  elegant  dressing  does 
not  depend  upon  expense.  A  lady  might  wear  the 
costliest  silks  that  Italy  could  produce,  adorn  herself 
with  laces  from  Brussels  which  years  of  patient  toil 
are  required  to  fabricate;  she  might  carry  the  jewels 
of  an  Eastern  princess  around  her  neck  and  upon 
her  wrists  and  fingers,  yet  still,  in  appearance,  be  es- 
sentially vulgar.  These  were  as  nothing  without 
grace,  without  adaptation,  without  a  harmonious 
blending  of  colors,  without  the  exercise  of  discrim- 
ination and  good  taste. 

Appropriate  and  Becoming  Dress. 

The  most  appropriate  and  becoming  dress  is  that 

which  so  harmonizes  with  the  figure  as  to  make  the 

apparel  unobserved.     When  any  particular  portion 

of  it  excites  the  attention,  there  is  a  defect,  for  the 


DRESS.  265 

details  should  not  present  themselves  first  but  the 
result  of  perfect  dressing  should  be  an  elegant  woman, 
the  dress  commanding  no  especial  regard.  Men  are 
but  indifferent  judges  of  the  material  of  a  lady's 
dress;  in  fact,  they  care  nothing  about  the  matter. 
A  modest  countenance  and  pleasing  figure,  habited 
in  an  inexpensive  attire,  would  win  more  attention 
from  men,  than  awkwardness  and  effrontery,  clad  in 
the  richest  satins  and  the  costliest  gems. 

,  Neglect  of  Dress. 
There  are  occasionally  to  be  found  among  both 
sexes,  persons  who  neglect  their  dress  through  a  ri- 
diculous affectation  of  singularity,  and  who  take 
pride  in  being  thought  utterly  indifferent  to  their 
personal  appearance.  Millionaires  are  very  apt  to 
manifest  this  characteristic,  but  with  them  it  gener- 
ally arises  through  a  miserly  penuriousness  of  dis- 
position; their  imitators,  however,  are  even  more  de- 
ficient than  they  in  common  sense. 

Habitual  Attention  to  Attire. 

Lavater  has  urged  that  persons  habitually  atten- 
tive to  their  attire,  display  the  same  regularity  in 
their  domestic  affairs.  He  also  says:  "Young  wom- 
en who  neglect  their  toilet  and  manifest  little  con- 
cern about  dress,  indicate  a  general  disregard  of 
order — a  mind  but  ill  adapted  to  the  details  of  house- 
keeping— a  deficiency  of  tas^e  and  of  the  qualities 
that  inspire  love." 


266  DBESS. 

An  Amiable  Exterior, 

|'~  ^he  desire  of  exhibiting  an  amiable  exterior  is 
essentially  requisite  in  a  young  lady,  for  it  indicates 
cleanliness,  sweetness,  a  love  of  order  and  propriety, 
and  all  those  virtues  which  are  attractive  to  their 
associates,  and  particularly  to  those  of  the  other  sex. 
Chesterfield  asserts  that  a  sympathy  goes  through 
every  action  of  our  lives,  and  that  he  could  not  help 
conceiving  some  idea  of  people's  sense  and  character 
from  the  dress  in  which  they  appeared  when  intro- 
duced to  him. 
Another  writer  has  remarked  that  he  never  yet 

,  met  with  a  woman  whose  general  style  of  dress  was 
chaste,  elegant  and  appropriate,  that  he  did  not 
find  her  on  further  acquaintance  to  be,  in  dispo- 
sition and  mind,  an  object  to  admire  and  love. 

Dress  the  Appropriate  finish  of  Beauty. 

The  fair  sex  have  the  reputation  of  being  passion- 
ately fond  of  dress,  and  the  love  of  it  has  been  said 
to  be  natural  to  women.  We  are  not  disposed  to 
deny  it,  but  we  do  not  regard  it  as  a  weakness  nor  a 
peculiarity  to  be  condemned.  Dress  is  the  appro- 
priate finish  of  beauty.  Some  one  has  said  that, 
"Without  dress  a  handsome  person  is  a  gem,  but  a 
gem  that  is  not  set.  But  dress,"  he  further  remarks, 
"must  be  consistent  with  the  graces  and  with  na- 
ture. 


DBESS.  267 

Taste. 

"Taste,"  says  a  celebrated  divine,  "requires  a  con- 
gruity  between  the  internal  character  and  the  exter^ 
nal  appearance;  the  imagination  will  involuntarily 
form  to  itself  an  idea  of  such  a  correspondence. 
First  ideas  are,  in  general,  of  considerable  conse- 
quence. I  should  therefore  think  it  wise  in  the  fe- 
male world  to  take  care  that  their  appearance  should 
not  convey  a  forbidding  idea  to  the  most  superficial 
observer." 

Simplicity  in  Dress. 
As  we  have  already  remarked,  the  secret  of  per- 
fect dressing  is  simplicity,  costliness  being  no  essen- 
tial element  of  real  elegance.  We  have  to  add  that 
everything  depends  upon  the  judgment  and  good 
taste  of  the  wearer.  These  should  always  be  a  har- 
monious adaptation  of  one  article  of  attire  to  anoth- 
er, as  also  to  the  size,  figure  and  complexion  of  the 
wearer.  There  should  be  a  correspondence  in  all 
parts  of  a  lady's  toilet,  so  as  to  present  a  perfect  en- 
tirety. Thus,  when  we  see  a  female  of  light,  deli- 
cate complexion,  penciling  her  eyebrows  until  they 
are  positively  black,  we  cannot  but  entertain  a  con- 
tempt for  her  lack  of  taste  and  good  sense.  There 
is  a  harmony  in  nature's  tints  which  art  can  never 
equal,  much  less  improve. 

Delicacy  and  Harmony. 
A  fair  face  is  generally  accompanied  by  blue  eyes, 


268  DBESS.      ■ 

light  hair,  eyebrows  and  lashes.  There  is  a  delica- 
cy and  harmonious  blending  of  correspondences 
which  are  in  perfect  keeping;  but  if  you  sully  the 
eyebrows  with  blackness,  you  destroy  all  similitude 
of  feature  and  expression,  and  almost  present  a  de- 
formity. 

Using  Paints. 

We  cannot  but  allude  to  the  practice  of  using 
paints,  a  habit  strongly  to  be  condemned.  If  for  no 
other  reason  than  that  poison  lurks  beneath  every 
layer,  inducing  paralytic  affections  and  premature 
death,  they  should  be  discarded — but  they  are  a  dis- 
guise which  deceives  no  one,  even  at  a  distance; 
there  is  a  ghastly  deathliness  in  the  appearance  of 
the  skin  after  it  has  been  painted,  which  is  far  re- 
moved from  the  natural  hue  of  health. 

Color  and  Complexion. 

A  lady  has  to  consider  what  colors  best  suit  her 
complexion.  Blue,  for  instance,  never  looks  well 
upon  those  of  a  dark  complexion;  nor  pink  upon 
those  of  a  florid  complexion.  Yellow  is  a  very  try- 
ing color,  and  can  only  be  worn  by  the  rich-toned 
brunettes.  Attention  to  these  particulars  is  most 
important.  Longitudinal  stripes  in  a  lady's  dress 
make  her  appear  taller  than  she  really  is,  and  are, 
therefore,  appropriate  for  a  person  of  short  stature. 
Flounces  give  brevity  to  the  figure,  and  are  there- 
fore only  adapted  to  tall  persons. 


DBESS.  '  269 

Every  article  of  dress  should  be  well  made,  how- 
ever plain  the  style,  or  inexpensive  the  material. 

Dress  to  suit  the  Occasion. 

The  dress  should  always  be  adapted  to  the  occa- 
sion. Nothing  is  more  proper  for  the  morning  than 
a  loosely  made  dress,  high  in  the  neck,  with  sleeves 
fastened  at  the  wrist  with  a  band,  and  belt.  It  looks 
well,  and  is  convenient.  For  a  walking  dress,  the 
skirt  should  be  allowed  only  just  to  touch  the  ground; 
for  while  a  train  looks  well  in  the  drawing-room, 
and  is  inconspicuous  in  a  carriage  or  opera-box,  it 
serves  a  very  ignoble  purpose  in  sweeping  the  street. 
Ladies'  shoes  for  walking  should  be  substantial, 
to  keep  the  feet  dry  and  warm.  If  neatly  made 
and  well  fitted,  they  need  not  be  clumsy. 

Hats  are  now  fashionable  for  morning  walks,  and 
they  are  both  pretty  and  convenient. 

Evening  Dress. 

Evening  dress  means  full  dress,  in  the  common 
acceptation  of  the  term.  It  will  serve  for  dinner, 
opera,  evening-party,  everything  but  the  ball.  Ball 
dresses  are  special.  With  regard  to  evening  dress 
and  ball  dress  no  explicit  directions  can  be  given. 
The  fashion-books  declare  what  is  to  be  worn,  and 
the  dressmaker  is  the  interpreter  of  the  fashion. 
Still,  individual  taste  should  be  exerted,  and  no 
slavish  adherance  given  in  to  fashion  at  the  sacri- 
fice of  grace  or  elegance. 


270  DBJSSS. 

Bright-colored  Gloves. 

Deep  and  bright-colored  gloves  are  always  in  bad 
taste;  very  few  persons  are  careful  enough  in  select- 
ing gloves.  Light  boots  and  dark  dresses,  dark 
boots  and  light  dresses,  are  indicative  of  bad  taste. 
A  girl  with  neatly  and  properly  dressed  feet,  with 
neat,  well-fitting  gloves,  smoothly-arranged  hair,  and 
a  clean  well-made  dress, — who  walks  well,  and  speaks 
well,  and  above  all,  acts  politely  and  kindly,  is  a 
lady.  Fine  acts  and  obtrusive  airs  are  abashed  be- 
fore such  propriety  and  good  taste.  Fine  feathers 
do  not  always  make  fine  birds. 

Never  Dress  above  your  Station. 

"  Never  dress  above  your  station;  it  is  a  grevious 
mistake,  and  leads  to  great  evils,  besides  being  the 
proof  of  an  utter  want  of  taste. 

Care  more  for  the  nice  fitting  of  your  dress  than 
for  its  material.  An  ill-made  silk  is  not  equal  in  its 
appearance  to  the  plainest  material  well  made. 

Thinking  about  your  Dress. 

--  Never  appear  to  be  thinking  about  your  dress, but 
wear  the  richest  clothes  and  the  plainest  with  equal 
simplicity.  Nothing  so  destroys  a  good  manner  as 
thinking  of  what  we  have  on.  Never  keep  a  morn- 
ing visitor  waiting  while  you  change  your  dress. 
You  ought  always  to  be  fit  to  be  seen;  and  it  is  bet- 
ter to  present  yourself  in  your  ordinary  attire  than 


BBESS.  271 

to  be  guilty  of  the  ill-breeding  of  keeping  your  ac- 
quaintance waiting  while  you  make  an  elaborate 
toilettte. 

Never  spend  more  than  you  can  afford  on  yout 
dress;  but  endeavor  by  care,  neatness,  and  ingenui- 
ty, to  make  up  for  expenditure. 

MORNING-DEESS  FOR  HoME. 

A  dress  for  morning  wear  at  home  may  be  more 
simple  than  for  visiting,  or  for  hotel  or  boarding- 
house.  A  busy  housewife  will  find  it  desirable  to 
protect  her  dress  with  an  ample  apron.  The  hair 
should  be  plainly  arranged,  without  ornament. 

Morning-dress  for  Visitor. 

For  breakfasting  in  public  or  at  the  house  of  a  friend 
a  wrapper  is  not  allowable.  A  dress  with  a  closely- 
fitting  waist  should  be  worn.  This  for  summer  may 
be  of  cambric,  or  other  wash-goods,  either  white  or 
figured;  in  winter  plain  woolen  goods,  simply  made 
should  be  adopted. 

Morning-dress  for  Street. 

The  morning-dress  for  the  street  should  be  plain 
in  color  and  make,  and  of  serviceable  material. 
The  dress  should  be  short  enough  to  clear  the  ground. 
White  skirts  are  out  of  place,  the  colored  ones  now 
found  everywhere  in  stores  being  much  more  appro- 
priate. 

In  stormy  weather  a  large  waterproof  with  hood 


272  DBESS. 

will  be  found  more  convenient  than  an  umbrella, 
which  is  troublesome  to  carry  and  often  difficult  to 
manage. 

The  hat  should  be  plain  and  inexpensive,  match- 
ing the  dress  as  nearly  as  possible,  and  displaying 
no  superfluous  ornament. 

Jewelry  is  out  of  place  in  any  of  the  errands 
which  take  a  lady  from  her  home  in  the  morning. 
Lisle  thread  gloves  in  summer  and  cloth  ones  in 
winter  will  be  found  more  serviceable  than  kid  ones. 
Linen  collar  and  cuffs  are  more  suitable  than  elab- 
orate neck  and  wrist  dressing.  Walking-boots  of 
kid  should  be  worn. 

Business  Woman's  Dress. 

There  are  many  women  who  are  engaged  in  busi- 
ness of  some  sort  that  it  seems  necessary  that  they 
should  have  a  distinct  dress  suited  to  their  special 
wants.  This  dress  need  not  be  so  peculiar  as  to 
mark  them  for  objects  of  observation,  but  still  it 
should  differ  from  the  ordinary  walking-costume. 
Its  material  as  a  rule  should,  be  more  serviceable, 
better  fitted  to  endure  the  vicissitudes  of  weather, 
and  of  plain  colors,  such  as  browns  or  grays. 

For  winter  wear,  waterproof  tastefully  made  up  is 
the  very  best  material  for  a  business  woman's  dress. 

This  costume  should  not  be  made  with  plain  sim- 
plicity, but  it  should  at  least  dispense  with  all  su- 
perfluities in  the  way  of  trimming.  It  should  be 
made  with  special  reference  to  easy  locomotion  and 
to  the  free  use  of  the  hands  and  arms. 


jyjiJESS.  273 

The  Promenade. 

The  dress  for  the  promenade  admits  of  greater 
richness  in  material  and  variety  in  trimming  than 
that  of  the  business  or  errand  dress.  It  should  how- 
ever, display  no  two  incongruous  colors,  and  had 
best  be  in  one  tint,  except  where  a  contrasting  or 
harmonizing  color  is  introduced  in  the  way  of  or- 
nament. 

In  the  country  walking-dresses  must  be  made  for 
service  rather  than  display,  and  what  would  be  per- 
fectly appropriate  for  the  streets  of  a  city  would  be 
entirely  out  of  place  on  the  muddy,  unpaved  walks 
or  paths  of  a  small  town  or  among  the  unpretend- 
ing population  of  a  country  neighborhood. 

Material  of  a  Walking  Suit. 

The  material  of  a  walking-suit  may  be  as  rich  or 
as  plain  as  the  wearer's  taste  may  dictate  or  means 
justify,  but  it  must  always  be  well  made  and  never 
be  allowed  to  grow  shabby.  It  is  better  to  avoid 
bright  colors  and  use  them  only  in  decoration. 
Black  has  come  to  be  adopted  very  generally  for 
street-dresses;  but  while  it  is  becoming  for  most  in- 
dividuals, it  gives  to  the  promenade  a  somewhat  som- 
bre look. 

The  dress  for  the  promenade  should  be  in  perfect 
harmony  with  itself  One  article  should  not  be  new 
and  another  shabby.  The  gloves  should  not  be  of 
one  color,  the  bonnet  of  another,  and  the  parasol  of 

18 


274  DBES8. 

a  third.    All  the  colors  worn  should  at  least  har- 
monize. 

A  lady  who  wishes  to  maintain  a  reputation  for 
always  being  well  dressed  will  be  scrupulous  in  suit- 
ing her  toilet  to  the  special  occasion  for  which  it  is 
worn.  She  will  not  appear  on  foot  upon  the  streets 
in  a  dress  suited  only  for  the  carriage,  nor  will  she 
either,  walk  or  drive  in  a  costume  appropriate  alone 
for  the  house. 

Carriage-dress. 

The  dress  for  a  drive  through  the  streets  of  a  city 
or  along  a  fashionable  drive  or  park  can  not  be  too 
rich  in  material.  Silks,  velvets  and  laces  are  all  ap- 
propriate, with  rich  jewelry  and  costly  furs. 

The  carriage-dress  may  be  long  enough  to  trail 
if  fashion  so  indicates,  though  many  prefer  using  the 
walking-dress  length. 

For  country  driving  a  different  style  of  dress  is 
required  as  protection  against  the  mud  or  dust.  It 
seems  hardly  necessary  to  describe  the  dress  for 
country  driving,  we  presume  every  lady  is  capable 
of  selecting  for  herself,  since  the  dress  is  worn  for 
protection  and  not  for  show. 

Riding-Dress. 

There  is  no  place  where  a  woman  appears  to  bet- 
ter advantage  than  upon  horseback.  We  will  take 
it  for  granted  that  our  lady  has  acquired  properly 
the  art  of  riding.     Next  she  must  be  provided  with 


DBESS.     >  275 

a  suitable  habit.  Her  habit  should  fit  perfectly 
without  being  tight.  The  skirt  should  be  full  and 
long  enough  to  cover  the  feet,  while  it  is  best  to  omit, 
the  extreme  length,  which  subjects  the  dress  to  mud- 
spatterings  and  may  prove  a  serious  entanglement 
in  case  of  accident. 

Waterproof  is  the  most  serviceable  for  a  riding 
costume.  Something  lighter  may  be  worn  in  sum- 
mer. In  the  lighter  costume  a  row  or  two  of  shot 
should  be  stitched  in  the  bottom  of  the  breadths  to 
keep  the  skirt  from  blowing  up  in  the  wind. 

The  riding-dress  should  be  made  to  fit  the  waist 
closely  and  buttoned  nearly  to  the  throat. 

Coat  sleeves  should  come  to  the  wrist,  with  linen 
cuffs  beneath  them. 

It  is  well  to  have  the  waist  attached  to  a  skirt  of 
the  usual  length  and  the  long  skirt  fastened  over  it, 
so  that  if  any  mishap  obliges  the  lady  to  dismount 
she  may  easily  remove  the  long  overskirt  and  still  be 
properly  dressed. 

The  shape  of  the  hat  will  vary  with  the  fashion, 
but  it  should  always  be  plainly  trimmed;  and  if 
feathers  are  worn,  they  must  be  fastened  so  that  the 
wind  cannot  possibly  blow  them  over  the  \v'earer's 
eyes. 

All  ruffling,  puffing  or  bows  in  the  trimming  of 
a  riding-dress  is  out  of  place.  If  trimming  is  used 
it  should  be  put  on  in  perfectly  flat  bands  or  be  of 
braiding. 

The  hair  must  be  put  up  compactly,  neither  curls 


276  DBESS. 

nor  veil  should  be  allowed  to  stream  in  the  wind. 
No  jewelry  except  what  is  absolutely  required  to  fas- 
ten the  dress,  and  that  of  the  plainest  kind,  is  allow- 
able. 

Dress  for  Receiving  Calls. 

The  dress  of  a  hostess  differs  with  the  occasion 
on  which  she  is  called  to  receive  her  callers,  and 
also  with  the  social  position  and  means  of  the 
wearer. 

A  lady  whose  mornings  are  devoted  to  domestic 
affairs  may  and  should  receive  a  casual  caller  in  her 
ordinary  morning-dress,  which  should  be  neat  yet 
plain,  devoid  of  superfluous  ornaments  or  jewelry* 

If  a  lady  appoints  a  special  day  for  the  reception 
of  calls,  she  should  be  dressed  with  more  care  to  do 
honor  to  her  visitors.  Her  dress  may  be  of  silk  or 
other  goods  suitable  to  the  season  or  to  her  position, 
but  must  be  of  plain  colors. 

White  plain  linen  collar  and  cuffs  belong  to  the 
plain  morning-dress;  lace  may  be  worn  with  the  cer- 
emonious dress,  and  a  certain  amount  of  jewelry  is 
also  admissible. 

For  New  Year's  or  other  special  calls  the  dress 
should  be  rich,  and  may  be  elaborately  trimmed. 

Dress  of  Hostess. 
The  hostess'  dress  should  be  rich  in  material,  but 
subdued  in  tone,  in  order  that  she  may  not  eclipse 
any  of  her  guests.     A  young  hostess  should  wear  a 


DBJESS.  277 

dress  of  rich  silk,  black  or  dark  in  color,  with  collar 
and  cuffs  of  fine  lace,  and  plain  jewelry,  or,  if  the 
dinner  is  by  gaslight,  glittering  stones. 

An  elderly  lady  may  wear  satin  or  velvet,  with 
rich  lace. 

DiNNER-DEESS. 

We  do  not  in  this  country,  as  in  England,  expose 
the  neck  and  arms  at  a  dinner-party.  These  should 
be  covered,  if  not  by  the  dress  itself,  then  by  lace  or 
muslin  overwaist. 

Dress  of  Guests  at  Dinner-party. 

The  dress  of  a  guest  at  a  dinner-party  is  less 
showy  than  that  for  evening;  still,  it  may  be  rich. 
Silks  and  velvets  for  winter,  and  light  goods  for  sum- 
mer, which  latter  may  be  worn  over  silk,  are  the 
most  appropriate. 

Young  unmarried  ladies  may  wear  dresses  of 
lighter  materials  and  tints  than  married  ones.  Mid- 
dle-aged and  married  ladies  should  wear  silks  heav- 
ier in  quality  and  richer  in  tone,  and  elderly  ladies 
satins*  and  velvets. 

All  the  light  neutral  tints  and  black,  purple,  dark 
green,  garnet,  dark  blue,  brown  and  fawn  are  suited 
for  dinner  dress.  But  whatever  color  the  dress  may 
be,  it  is  best  to  try  its  effect  by  gaslight  and  day- 
light both,  since  many  a  color  which  will  look  well 
in  daylight  may  look  extremely  ugly  in  gaslight. 

A  lady  can  lay  no  claim  to  delicacy  and  refine- 


278  DRESS. 

ment  no  matter  how  richly  or  well  dressed  she  may 
appear  in  public,  if  she  do  not  give  an  equal  amount 
of  attention  to  her  home-dress.  This  dress  need  not 
be  expensive  and  should  not  be  elaborate,  but  neat, 
tasteful,  of  perfect  fit  and  becoming  colors. 

Ordinary  Evening-dress. 

A  lady  should  always  be  prepared  for  casual  call- 
ers in  the  evening.  Her  dress  should  be  tasteful 
and  becoming,  made  with  a  certain  amount  of  or- 
nament and  worn  with  lace  and  jewelry.  Silks  are 
the  most  appropriate  for  this  dress,  but  all  the  heavy 
woolen  fabrics  for  winter  and  the  lighter  lawns  and 
organdies  for  summer,  elegantly  made,  are  suitable. 

The  colors  should  be  rich  and  warm  for  winter, 
and  knots  of  bright  ribbon  should  be  worn  in  the 
hair  and  at  the  throat.  The  former  should  be  dress- 
ed plainly,  with  no  ornament  save  a  ribbon.  Arti- 
ficial flowers  are  out  of  place,  and  glittering  gems 
arc  only  worn  on  more  important  occasions. 

Dress  for  Evening  Call. 

Those  who  make  a  casual  evening  call  will  dress 
in  similar  style,  though  somewhat  more  elaborate. 
A  hood  should  not  be  worn  unless  it  is  intended  to 
remove  it  during  the  call.  Otherwise  a  bonnet 
should  be  worn. 

Dress  for  Social  Party. 
For  the  evening-party  the  rules  just  given  regard- 


DRESS.  279 

ing  dress  will  apply,  except  that  more  latitude  is 
allowed  in  the  choice  of  colors,  trimmings,  etc. 
Dresses  covering  the  arms  and  shoulders  should  be 
worn;  or  if  they  are  cut  low  in  the  neck  and  with 
short  sleeves,  puffed  illusion  waists  or  something 
similar  should  be  used  to  cover  the  neck  and  arms. 
Dark  silks  are  very  dressy — relieved  by  white  lace 
and  glittering  gems — they  are  admirable.  Wearing 
gloves  is  optional.  If  worn,  they  should  be  of  some 
light  tint  harmonizing  with  the  dress. 

The  Soiree  and  Ball. 

These  occasions  call  for  the  richest  dress.  The 
former  usually  requires  dark  colors  and  heavy 
material,  the  latter  lighter  tints  and  goods.  The 
richest  velvets,  the  brightest  and  most  delicate  tints 
in  silks,  the  most  expensive  laces,  low  neck  and 
short  sleeves,  elaborate  head-drisss,  the  greatest  dis- 
play of  gems,  flowers,  etc.,  all  belong  more  or  less  to 
these  occasions. 

Still,  it  is  possible  to  be  over-dressed.  It  is  best  to 
aim  at  being  as  well  dressed  as  the  rest,  yet  not  to 
outdo  them  or  render  one's  self  conspicuous. 

White  kid  gloves  and  white  satin  boots  belong  to 
these  costumes  unless  the  overdress  is  of  black  lace, 
when  black  satin  boots  or  slippers  are  required. 

The  dress  to  be  worn  in  public  should  always  be 
suited  to  the  place  where  it  is  to  appear.  For  church 
the  material  should  be  rich  rather  than  showy.  For 
the  opera  the  extreme  of  brilliancy  is  allowable. 


280  BBESS. 

Dress  for  Church. 
The  dress  for  church  should  be  plain  and  simple. 
It  should  be  of  dark,  plain  colors  for  winter,  and 
there  should  be  no  superfluous  trimming  or  jewelry. 
It  should,  in  fact,  be  the  plainest  of  promenade- 
dresses,  since  church  is  not  a  place  for  the  display 
of  elaborate  toilets,  and  no  woman  of  consideration 
would  wish  to  make  her  own  expensive  and  showy 
toilet  an  excuse  to  another  woman,  who  could  not 
afford  to  dress  in  a  similar  manner,  for  not  attend- 
ing church. 

Dress  for  the  Theatre. 
The  ordinary  promenade-dress  is  suitable  for  the 
theatre,  with  the  addition  of  a  handsome  shawl  or 
cloak,  which  may  be  thrown  aside  if  uncomfortable. 
Either  the  bonnet  or  hat  may  be  worn.  In  some 
cities  it  is  customary  to  remove  the  bonnet  in  the 
theatre — a  custom  which  is  sanctioned  by  good  sense 
and  a  consideration  of  those  who  sit  behind,  but 
which  has  not  yet  the  authority  of  etiquette.  The 
dress  should  be,  in  all  respects,  plain,  without  any 
attempt  at  display.  Gloves  should  be  dark,  and  har- 
monize with  the  costume. 

Dress  for  Lecture  and  Concert. 
Lecture  and  concert-halls  call  for  a  little  more 
elaborate  toilet.    Silk  is  the  most  appropriate  mate- 
rial for  the  dress,  and  should  be  worn  with  lace  col- 
lar and  cuffs  and  jewelry.  White  or  light  kid  gloves 


J)Iii;SS.  281  . 

should  be  worn.  A  rich  shawl  or  opera  cloak  is  an 
appropriate  finish.  The  latter  may  be  kept  on  the 
shoulders  during  the  evening.  The  handkerchief 
should  be  fine  and  delicate;  the  fan  of  a  color  to 
harmonize  with  the  dress. 

Dress  for  the  Opera. 

The  opera  calls  out  the  richest  of  all  dresses.  A 
lady  goes  to  the  opera  not  only  to  see  but  to  be  seen, 
and  her  dress  must  be  adopted  with  a  full  realiza- 
tion of  the  thousand  gaslights  which  will  bring  out 
its  merits  or  defects. 

The  material  of  the  dress  should  be  heavy  enough 
to  bear  the  crush  of  the  place,  rich  in  color  and 
splendid  in  its  arrangement.  The  headdress  should 
be  of  flowers,  ribbons,  lace  or  feathers — whatever 
may  be  the  prevailing  style — the  head  should  be 
uncovered.  If,  however,  it  is  found  necessary  to 
have  the  head  protected,  a  bonnet  or  hat  of  the  light- 
est character  should  be  worn.  . 

Jewelry  of  the  heaviest  and  richest  description  is 
worn  on  this  occasion,  and  there  is  no  place  where 
the  glitter  of  gems  will  be  seen  to  better  advantage. 

White  kid  gloves  or  those  of  light  delicate  tints 
should  be  worn. 

A  most  important  adjunct  to  an  opera-costume  is 
the  cloak  or  wrap.  This  may  be  of  white  or  of  some 
brilliant  color.  Scarlet  and  gold,  white  and  gold, 
green  and  gold  or  Roman  stripe  are  all  very  effect- 
ive when  worn  with  appropriate  dresses. 


282  DRESS. 

Either  black  or  white  lace  may  be  adopted  with 
advantage  in  an  opera-dress.  Purple,  pink,  orange 
and  most  light  tints  require  black  lace,  while  the 
neutral  shades  may  be  worn  with  either  black  or 
white. 

Yellow  and  blue  should  be  avoided  in  an  opera- 
dress,  as  neither  bears  the  light  well.  Green  re- 
quires gold  as  a  contrasting  color;  crimson,  black. 

The  fan,  the  bouquet  and  handkerchief  must  all 
have  due  consideration  and  be  in  keeping  with  the 
other  portions  of  the  dress.  Thus  a  lady  in  pink 
should  avoid  a  bouquet  in  which  scarlet  flowers  pre- 
dominate. 

Croquet  and  Skating  Costumes. 

Both  call  for  a  greater  brilliancy  in  color  than 
any  other  out-of-door  costume.  They  should  both  be 
short,  displaying  a  handsomely  fitting  boot. 

Croquet  gloves  should  be  soft  and  washable;  skat- 
ing gloves  thick  and  w'arm. 

The  hat  for  croquet  should  have  a  broad  brim,  so 
as  to  shield  the  face  from  the  sun  and  render  a  par- 
asol unnecessary. 

Velvet  trimmed  with  fur,  with  turban  hat  of  the 
same,  and  gloves  and  boots  also  fur  bordered,  com- 
bine to  make  the  most  elegant  skating  costume  im- 
aginable. But  any  of  the  soft,  warm,  bright-colored 
woolen  fabrics  are  quite  as  suitable,  if  not  so  rich. 
A  costume  of  Scotch  plaid  is  in  excellent  taste.  Silk 
is  unsuitable  for  a  skating  costume. 


The  boot  should  be  amply  loose,  or  the  wearer  will 
suffer  with  cold  or  frozen  feet. 

Costumes  for  Country  and  Sea-side. 

We  cannot  give  a  full  description  of  the  ward- 
robe which  the  lady  of  fashion  desires  to  take  with 
her  to  the  country  or  sea-side.  But  there  are  a  few 
general  rules  which  apply  to  many  things,  and  which 
all  must  more  or  less  observe.  Let  the  wardrobe  be 
ever  so  large  there  must  be  a  certain  number  of 
costumes  suited  for  ordinary  wear.  Thus,  dresses, 
while  they  may  be  somewhat  brighter  in  tint  than 
good  taste  would  justify  in  the  streets  of  a  city,  must 
yet  be  durable  in  quality  and  of  material  which 
can  be  washed.  The  brim  of  the  hat  should  be  broad 
to  protect  the  face  from  the  sun.  The  fashion  of 
making  hats  of  shirred  muslin  is  a  very  sensible 
one,  as  it  enables  them  to  be  done  up  when  they  are 
soiled.  The  boots  should  be  strong  and  durable. 
A  waterproof  is  an  indispensable  article  to  the  so- 
journer at  country  resorts. 

Bathing  Costumes. 

The  bathing-dress  should  be  made  of  flannel.  A 
soft  gray  tint  is  the  neatest,  as  it  does  not  soon  fade 
and  grow  ugly  from  contact  with  salt  water.  It  may 
be  trimmed  with  bright  worsted  braid.  The  best 
style  is  a  loose  sacque  or  the  yoke  waist,  both  of  them 
to  be  belted  in  and  falling  about  midway  between 
the  knee  and  the  ankle.    Full  trowsers  gathered  in- 


284  DBESS. 

to  a  band  at  the  ankle,  an  oilskin  cap  to  protect  the 
hair,  which  becomes  harsh  in  the  salt  water,  and 
socks  of  the  color  of  the  dress  complete  the  costume. 

Costumes  for  Traveling. 

There  is  no  place  where  the  true  lady  is  more 
plainly  indicated  than  in  traveling.  A  lady's  travel- 
ing costume  should  be  neat  and  plain,without  super- 
fluous ornament  of  any  kind. 

The  first  consideration  in  a  traveling-dress  is  com- 
fort; the  second,  protection  from  the  dust  and  stains 
of  travel. 

For  a  short  journey,  in  summer  a  linen  duster 
may  be  put  on  over  the  ordinary  dress,  in  winter  a 
waterproof  cloak  may  be  used  in  the  same  way. 

But  a  lady  making  a  long  journey  will  find  it 
more  convenient  to  have  a  traveling-suit  made  ex- 
pressly. Linen  is  used  in  summer,  as  the  dust  is  so 
easily  shaken  from  it  and  it  can  be  readily  washed. 
In  winter  a  waterproof  dress  and  sacque  are  the  most 
serviceable. 

There  are  a  variety  of  materials  especially  adapt- 
ed for  traveling  costumes,  of  soft  neutral  tints  and 
smooth  surfaces,  which  do  not  catch  dust.  These 
should  be  made  up  plain  and  short. 

The  underskirts  should  be  colored  woolen  in  win- 
ter, linen  in  summer.  Nothing  displays  vulgarity 
and  want  of  breeding  so  much  as  a  white  petticoat 
in  traveling. 

Gloves  should  be  of  Lisle  thread  in  summer  and 


BMESS.  285 

cloth  in  winter.  Thick  soled  boots,  stout  and  dur- 
able. The  hat  or  bonnet  should  be  plainly  trimmed 
and  protected  by  a  large  veil.  Velvet  is  not  fit  for 
a  traveling-hat,  as  it  catches  and  retains  the  dust. 

Plain  linen  collars  and  cuffs  finish  the  costume. 
The  hair  should  be  put  up  in  the  plainest  manner 
possible. 

A  waterproof  and  a  warm  woolen  shawl  are  in- 
dispensable in  traveling.  Also  a  satchel  or  basket, 
in  which  may  be  kept  a  change  of  collars,  cuffs, 
gloves,  handkerchiefs  and  toilet  articles. 

A  traveling-dress  should  be  well  supplied  with 
pockets.  The  waterproof  should  have  large  pock- 
ets; so  should  the  sacque. 

In  an  underskirt  there  should  be  a  pocket  in 
which  to  carry  all  money  not  needed  for  immediate 
use.  The  latter  may  be  entrusted  to  the  portemon- 
naie  in  the  ordinary  pocket,  or  in  the  bosom  of  the 
dress. 

Going  to  Europe. 

"An  elastic  valise  and  a  hand-satchel,  at  the  side 
of  which  is  strapped  a  waterproof,"  are  enough  bag- 
gage to  start  with.  "In  the  valise  changes  of  linen, 
consisting  of  two  garments,  night-gowns  and  'angel' 
drawers.  These  latter  are  made  of  cotton  or  linen, 
and  consist  of  a  waist  cut  like  a  plain  corset-cover, 
but  extending  all  in  one  piece  in  front  with  the 
drawers,  which  button  on  the  side.  Usually  the 
waists  of  these  drawers  are  made  without  sleeves  or 


286  DRESS. 

with  only  a  short  cap  at  the  top  of  the  arm,  but  for 
a  European  trip  it  is  advisable  to  add  sleeves  to  the 
waist,  so  that  cuffs — paper  cuffs  if  preferred — can 
be  buttoned  to  them.  Thus,  in  one  garment  easily- 
made,  easily  removed,  and  as  easily  washed  as  a 
chemise,  is  comprised  drawers,  chemise,  corset-cover 
and  undersleeves,  the  whole  occupying  no  more 
room  than  any  single  article  of  underwear,  and  sav- 
ing the  trouble  attending  the  care  and  putting  on 
of  many  pieces.  A  gauze  flannel  vest  underneath 
is  perhaps  a  necessary  precaution,  and  ladies  who 
wear  corsets  can  place  them  next  to  this.  Over 
these  the  single  garment  mentioned  adds  all  that  is 
required  in  the  way  of  underwear,  except  two  skirts 
and  small  light  hair-cloth  tournure. 

"Of  dresses  three  are  required — one  a  traveling- 
dress  of  brown  do  bege,  a  double  calico  wrapper  and 
a  black  or  hair-striped  silk.  The  latter  is  best,  be- 
cause it  is  light,  because  it  does  not  take  dust,  be- 
cause it  does  not  crush  easily  and  because  by  judi- 
cious making  and  management  it  can  be  arranged 
into  several  costumes,  which  will  serve  for  city  sight- 
seeing throughout  the  journey  and  be  good  after- 
ward to  bring  home.  Then,  if  there  is  room,  an  old 
black  silk  or  black  alpaca  skirt  may  be  found  use- 
ful, and  an  embroidered  linen  or  batiste  polonaise 
from  last  summer's  store. 

"Add  to  these  a  black  sash,  a  couple  of  belts,  an 
umbrella  with  chatelaine  and  requisite  attachments, 
a  pair  of  neat-fitting  boots  and  pair  of  slippers,  some 


DBESS.  287 

cuffs,  small  standing  collars  and  a  few  yards  of  frais- 
ing,  a  striped  or  cheddar  shawl,  a  'cloud'  for  even- 
ings on  deck,  some  handkerchiefs  and  gray  and 
brown  kid  gloves,  and,  with  a  few  necessary  toilet 
articles,  you  have  an  outfit  that  will  take  you  over 
the  world  and  can  all  be  comprised  in  the  space  in- 
dicated, leaving  room  for  a  small  whisk  broom,  es- 
sential to  comfort,  and  a  large  palm-leaf  fan. 

"Stores,  such  as  lemons,  a  bottle  of  glycerine, 
spirits  of  ammonia  and  Florida  water,  which  are 
really  all  that  are  required — the  first  for  sickness, 
the  last  three  for  the  toilet — should  be  packed  in  a 
small  case  or  box  in  such  a  way  that  the  flasks  con- 
taining the  liquid  will  not  come  in  contact  with  the 
fruit.  After  landing  the  box  will  not  be  wanted,  as 
the  lemons  will  have  been  used  and  the  flasks  can 
be  carried  with  dressing-combs  and  the  like  in  the 
satchel." 

Wedding-outfit. 

Although  the  fashions  in  make  and  material  of 
the  bride's  dress  are  continually  varying,  yet  there 
are  certain  unchangeable  rules  in  regard  to  it.  Thus 
a  bride  in  full  bridal  costume  should  be  dressed  en- 
tirely in  white  from  head  to  foot. 

The  AVedding-dress. 

The  dress  may  be  of  silk,  brocade,  satin,  lace, 
merino,  alpaca,  crape,  lawn  or  muslin.  The  veil 
may  be  of  lace,  tulle  or  illusion,  but  it  must  be  long 


288  DRESS. 

and  full.  It  may  or  may  not  fall  over  the  face.  The 
flowers  of  the  bridal  wreath  and  bouquet  must  be 
orange  blossoms,  either  artificial  or  natural,  or  oth- 
er white  flowers. 

The  dress  should  be  high  and  the  arms  covered. 
No  jewelry  should  be  worn  save  pearls  or  diamonds. 
Slippers  of  white  satin  and  gloves  of  kid,  make  the 
dress  complete. 

The  simplicity  in  bridal  toilettes,  adopted  in  con- 
tinental Europe,  is  more  commendable  than  that  of 
England  and  America,  where  the  bridal  dress  is 
made  as  expensive  and  as  heavy  with  rich  and  cost- 
ly lace  as  it  can  possibly  be  made. 

Dress  of  Bridegroom. 

The  bridegroom  should  wear  a  black  or  dark-blue 
dresscoat,  light  pantaloons,  vest  and  necktie,  and 
white  kid  gloves. 

Dress  of  Bridesmaids. 

The  dresses  of  the  bridesmaids  are  not  so  elabor- 
ate as  that  of  the  bride.  They  also  should  be  of 
white,  but  they  may  be  trimmed  with  delicately  col- 
ored flowers  and  ribbons.  White  tulle  worn  over 
pale  pink  or  blue  silk,  and  caught  up  with  blush- 
roses  or  forget-me-nots,  makes  a  charming  brides- 
maid's costume. 

If  the  bridesmaids  wear  veils,  they  should  be 
shorter  than  that  of  the  bride. 


DBESS.  289 

Traveling-dress  of  Bride. 

The  traveling-dress  of  a  bride  may  be  of  silk,  or 
of  any  of  the  fabrics  used  for  walking-dresses,  ft 
should  be  of  some  neutral  tint,  the  bonnet  and 
gloves  harmonizing  in  color,  A  bridal  traveling 
costume  may  be  more  elaborately  trimmed  than  an 
ordinary  traveling-dress;  but  if  the  bride  wishes  to 
attract  but  little  attention  she  will  not  make  herself 
conspicuous  by  too  showy  a  dress. 

A  bride  is  sometimes  married  in  traveling  cos- 
tume; but  when  this  is  the  case,  the  wedding  is  in 
private,  and  the  bridal  pair  start  out  at  once  upon 
their  journey. 

Marriage  of  a  Widow. 

A  widow  should  never  be  married  in  white.  Wid- 
ows and  brides  of  middle  age  should  choose  delicate 
neutral  tints,  with  white  lace  collar  and  cuffs  and 
white  gloves.  The  costumes  of  the  bridesmaids 
must  take  their  tone  from  that  of  the  bride,  and  be 
neither  gayer,  lighter  nor  richer  than  hers. 

Brides  and  bridesmaids  should  wear  their  wed- 
ding dresses  at  the  wedding-reception. 

Dress  of  Guests  at  Wedding-reception. 

The  guests  at  an  evening  reception  should  appear 
in  full  evening-dress.  No  one  should  attend  in  black 
or  wear  mourning.  Those  in  mourning  should  lay 
aside  black  for  gray  or  lavender. 

19 


290  DBES8. 

For  a  morning  reception  the  dress  should  be  the 
richest  street  costume,  with  white  gloves.  If  the 
blinds  are  closed  and  the  gas  lighted  at  the  morning 
reception,  then  evening-dress  ia  worn  by  the  guests. 

The  Trousseau. 

The  trousseau  may  be  as  large  and  expensive  as 
the  circumstances  of  the  bride  will  admit,  but  this 
expense  is  generally  put  upon  outside  garments. 

There  are  a  great  many  other  articles  which  must 
be  supplied  in  a  requisite  number,  and  these  all 
brides  must  have,  and  of  a  certain  similarity  in  gen- 
eral character  and  make.  These  are  usually  fur- 
nished by  the  bride's  parents,  and  are  as  complete 
and  expensive  as  their  taste  dictates,  or  their  means 
justifies. 


CHAPTER  XXIII. 

HABMONY  OF  COLOR  IN  DBE88. 

Colors  in  Dress. 

SAYS  Sir  Joshua  Reynolds,  "Color  is  the  last 
attainment  of  excellence  in  every  school  of 
painting."  The  same  may  be  said  in  regard  to  the 
art  of  colors  in  dress.  Nevertheless,  it  is  the  first 
thing  in  dress  to  which  we  should  give  our  attention 
and  study. 

We  put  bright  colors  upon  our  little  children,  we 
dress  our  young  girls  in  light  and  delicate  shades, 
the  blooming  matron  is  justified  in  adopting  the 
rich  hues  which  we  see  in  the  autumn  leaf,  while 
black  and  neutral  tints  are  appropriate  to  the  old. 
This  forms  the  basis  upon  which  to  build  our  struct- 
ure of  color. 

Having  decided  what  colors  may  be  worn,  it  is 
important  to  know  how  they  may  be  worn.  One 
color  should  predominate  in  the  dress;  and  if  anoth- 
er is  adopted,  it  should  be  limited  in  quantity,  and 
only  by  way  of  contrast  or  harmony.  Certain  colors 
should  never,  under  any  circumstances,  be  worn  to- 
gether, since  they  produce  positive  discord  to  the 


292        HARMONY  OF  COLOR  IN  DRESS. 

eye.  If  the  dress  be  blue,  red  should  not  be  introduc- 
ed by  way  of  trimming,  or  vice  versa.  Red  and 
yellow,  red  and  blue,  blue  and  yellow  and  scarlet 
and  crimson  should  not  be  united  in  the  same  cos- 
tume. If  the  dress  is  red,  green  may  be  introduced 
in  a  limited  quantity;  if  green,  crimson;  if  blue, 
orange.  Scarlet  and  solferino  are  deadly  enemies, 
killing  each  other  whenever  they  meet. 

Two  contrasting  colors,  such  as  red  and  green, 
should  not  be  used  in  equal  quantities  in  a  dress,  as 
they  are  both  so  positive  in  tone  that  they  divide 
and  distract  the  attention.  When  two  colors  are 
worn  in  any  quantity,  one  must  approach  a  neutral 
tint,  such  as  drab  or  gray.  Black  may  be  worn  with 
any  color,  though  it  looks  best  with  the  lighter 
shades  of  the  different  colors.  White  may  also  be 
worn  with  any  color,  though  it  looks  best  with  the 
darker  tones.  Thus  white  jand  crimson,  black  and 
pink,  each  contrast  better  and  have  a  richer  effect 
than  though  the  black  were  united  with  the  crimson 
and  the  white  with  the  pink.  Drab,  being  a  shade 
of  no  color  between  black  and  white,  may  be  worn 
with  the  same  effect  with  all. 

A  person  of  very  fair,  delicate  complexion  should 
always  wear  the  most  delicate  of  tints,  such  as  light 
blue,  pea-green  and  mauve.  A  brunette  requires 
bright  colors,  such  as  scarlet  and  orange,  to  bring 
out  the  brilliant  tints  in  her  complexion.  A  florid 
face  and  auburn  hair  require  blue. 

There  are  many  shades  of  complexions  which  we 


HABMONY  OF  COLOR  IN  I) BESS        293 

cannot  take  time  to  describe  here,  the  peculiar  col- 
ors to  suit  which  can  only  be  discovered  by  actual 
experiment;  and  if  the  persons  with  these  various 
complexions  are  not  able  to  judge  for  themselves, 
they  must  seek  the  opinion  of  some  acquaintance 
with  an  artistically  trained  eye. 

Pure  golden  or  yellow  hair  needs  blue,  and  its 
beauty  is  also  increased  by  the  addition  of  pearls  or 
white  flowers. 

If  the  hair  has  no  richness  of  coloring,  a  pale,  yel- 
lowish green  will  by  reflection  produce  the  lacking 
warm  tint. 

Light-brown  hair  requires  blue,  which  sets  off  to 
advantage  the  golden  tint. 

Dark-brown  hair  will  bear  light  blue,  or  dark  blue 
in  a  lesser  quantity. 

Auburn  hair,  if  verging  on  the  red,  needs  scarlet 
to  tone  it  down.  If  of  a  golden  red,  blue  green, 
purple  or  black  will  bring  out  the  richness  of  its 
tints. 

Black  hair  has  its  color  and  depth  enhanced  by 
scarlet,  orange  or  white,  and  will  bear  diamonds, 
pearls  or  lustreless  gold. 

Flaxen  hair  requires  blue. 

Size  in  Relation  to  Dress  and  Colors. 

A  person  of  small  stature  may  dress  in  light  col- 
ors which  would  not  be  appropriate  to  a  person  of 
larger  proportions.  So  a  lady  of  majestic  appear- 
ance should  not  wear  white,  but  will  be  seen  to  the 


294         HARMONY  OF  COLOR  IN  DRESS 

best  advantage  in  black  or  dark  tints.  A  lady  of 
diminutive  stature  dresses  in  bad  taste  when  she 
appears  in  a  garment  with  large  figures,  plaids  or 
stripes.  Neither  should  a  lady  of  large  proportions 
be  seen  in  similar  garments,  because,  united  with 
her  size,  they  give  her  a  "loud"  appearance.  Indeed, 
pronounced  figures  and  broad  stripes  and  plaids  are 
never  in  perfect  taste,  whatever  a  capricious  fashion 
may  say  in  the  matter. 

It  is  of  importance  to  observe,  that  you  do  not 
overstep  the  boundaries  of  good  taste  in  the  number 
and  variety  of  colors  which  you  may  employ.  You 
may  display  the  greatest  taste  and  judgment  in  the 
contrast  and  harmony  of  colors;  and  yet,  owing  to 
their  profusion,  they  may  obtrude  themselves  too 
glaringly  on  the  eye,  drawing  the  attention  more  to 
the  dress  than  to  the  countenance  and  figure  of  the 
person,  an  error  w^hich  ought  to  be  carefully  avoided; 
the  fewer  the  colors  are  which  are  used,  the  more 
simple  and  graceful  will  be  the  effect. 

In  the  canons  of  the  laws  of  harmony  and  con- 
trast, size,  or  the  magnitude  of  objects,  has  also  its 
rules  to  be  observed  in  regard  of  colors;  large  ob- 
jects appear  to  greater  advantage  in  sober  colors 
than  smaller  ones. 

Black,  however,  not  only  suits  the  complexion  of 
all  forms,  and  is  becoming  to  all  figures,  but  is  at 
once  piquant  and  elegant;  it  has  a  surprising  effect 
in  imparting  grace  and  elegance  to  a  well-turned 
form. 


HABMONY  OF  COLOR  IN  DRESS,         295 

When  two  colors  which  are  dissimilar  are  associ- 
ated agreeably,  such  as  blue  and  orange,  or  lilac  and 
cherry,  they  form  a  harmony  of  contrast.  And  when 
two  distant  tones  of  one  color  are  associated,  such 
as  very  light  and  very  dark  blue,  they  harmonize 
by  contrast.  Of  course,  in  the  latter  instance  the 
harmony  is  neither  so  striking  nor  so  perfect. 

When  two  colors  are  grouped  which  are  similar 
to  each  other  in  disposition,  such  as  orange  and 
scarlet,  crimson  and  crimson-brown,  or  orange  and 
orange-brown,  they  form  a  harmony  of  analogy.  And 
if  two  or  more  tones  of  one  color  be  associated, 
closely  aproximating  in  intensity,  they  harmonize 
by  analogy. 

The  harmonies  of  contrast  are  "more  effective,  al- 
though not  more  important,  than  those  of  analogy; 
the  former  are  characterized  by  brilliancy  and  de- 
cision, while  the  latter  are  peculiar  for  their  quiet, 
retiring,  and  undemonstrative  nature.  In  affairs  of 
dress  both  hold  equal  positions;  and  in  arranging 
colors  in  costume,  care  must  be  taken  to  adopt  the 
proper  species  of  harmony. 

The  simplest  rules  to  be  observed  are  the  follow- 
ing :  1.  When  a  color  is  selected  which  is  favorable 
to  the  complexion,  it  is  advisable  to  associate  with 
it  tints  which  will  harmonize  by  analogy,  because 
the  adoption  of  contrasting  colors  would  diminish^its 
favorable  effect.  2.  When  a  color  is  employed  in 
dress  which  is  injurious  to  the  complexion,  contrast- 
ing colors  must  be  associated  with  it,  as  they  have 


296        HARMONY  OF  COLOR  IN  DRESS. 

the  power  to  neutralize  its  objectionable  influence. 

We  will  take  an  example  illustrative  of  the  first 
rule.  Green  suits  the  blonde,  and,  when  worn  by 
her,  its  associated  colors  should  be  tones  of  itself 
(slightly  lighter  or  darker,)  which  will  rather  en- 
hance than  reduce  its  effect. 

As  an  example  of  the  second  rule,  we  may  take 
violet,  which,  although  unsuitable  to  brunettes,  may 
be  rendered  agreeable  by  having  tones  of  yellow  or 
orange  grouped  with  it. 

Colors  of  similar  power  which  contrast  with  each 
other  mutually  intensify  each  other's  brilliancy,  as 
blue  and  orange,  scarlet  and  green.  When  dark  and 
very  light  colors  are  associated,  they  do  not  intensify 
each  other  in  the  same  manner;  the  dark  color  is 
made  to  appear  deeper,  and  the  light  to  appear 
lighter,  as  dark  blue  and  straw-color,  or  any  dark 
color  and  the  light  tints  of  the  complexion. 

Colors  which  harmonize  with  each  other  by  ana- 
logy reduce  each  other's  brilliancy  to  a  greater  or  less 
degree;  as  white  and  yellow,  blue  and  purple,  black 
and  brown. 

There  are  many  colors  which  lose  much  of  their 
brilliancy  and  hue  by  gaslight,  and  are  therefore 
unserviceable  for  evening  costume;  of  this  class  we 
may  enumerate  all  the  shades  of  purple  and  lilac, 
ai<i  dark  blues  and  greens.  Others  gain  brilliancy 
in  artificial  light,  as  orange,  scarlet,  crimson,  and  the 
light  browns  and  greens.  It  is  advisable  that  all 
these  circumstances  should  be  considered,  in  the  se- 


HARMONY  OF  COLOR  IN  DRESS.        297 

lection  of  colors  for  morning  and  evening  costume. 
Our  readers  will  find  the  following  list  of  harmo- 
nious groups  of  service  in  the  arrangement  of  colors 
in  dress;  we  have  given  the  most  useful  as  well  as" 
the  most  agreeable  combinations. 
Blue  and  lilac,  a  weak  harmony. 
Blue  and  drab  harmonize. 
Blue  and  stone-color  harmonize. 
Blue  and  fawn-color,  a  weak  harmony. 
Blue  and  white  (or  gray)  harmonize. 
Blue  and  straw-color  harmonize. 
Blue  and  maize  harmonize. 
Blue  and  chestnut  (or  chocolate)  harmonize. 
Blue  and  brown,  an  agreeable  harmony. 
Blue  and  black  harmonize. 
Blue  and  gold  (or  gold-color),  a  rich  harmony. 
Blue  and  orange,  a  perfect  harmony.  * 

Blue  and  crimson  harmonize,  but  imperfectly. 
Blue  and  pink,  a  poor  harmony. 
Blue  and  salmon-color,  an  agreeable  harmony. 
Blue,  scarlet,  and  purple  (or  lilac)  harmonize. 
Blue,  orange,  and  black  harmonize. 
Blue,  orange,  and  green,  harmonize. 
Blue,  brown,  crimson,  and  gold  (or  yellow)  harmonize. 
Blue,  orange,  black  and  white,  harmonize. 
Red  and  gold  (or  gold-color)  harmonize. 
Red  and  white  (or  gray)  harmonize. 
Red,  orange,  and  green,  harmonize. 
Red,  yellow  (or  gold-color,)  and  black,  harmonize. 
Red,  gold-color,  black  and  white,  harmonize. 


298        HARMONY  OF  COLOR  IN  DRESS, 

Scarlet  and  slate-color  harmonize. 

Scarlet,  black,  and  white  harmonize. 

Scarlet,  blue  and  white  harmonize. 

Scarlet,  blue  and  yellow  harmonize. 

Scarlet,  blue,  black,  and  yellow  harmonize. 

Scarlet  and  blue  harmonize. 

Scarlet  and  orange  harmonize. 

Crimson  and  black,  a  dull  harmony. 

Crimson  and  drab  harmonize. 

Crimson  and  brown,  a  dull  harmony. 

Crimson  and  gold  (or  gold-color,)  a  rich  harmony. 

Crimson  and  orange,  a  rich  harmony. 

Crimson  and  maize  harmonize. 

Crimson  and  purple  harmonize. 

Yellow  and  chestnut  (or  chocolate)  harmonize. 

Yellow  and  brown  harmonize. 

Yellow  and  red  harmonize. 

Yellow  and  crimson  harmonize. 

Yellow  and  white,  a  poor  harmony. 

Yellow  and  black  harmonize. 

Yellow^,  purple,  and  crimson  harmonize. 

Yellow,  purple,  scarlet,  and  blue  harmonize. 

Yellow  and  purple,  an  agreeable  harmony. 

Yellow  and  blue  harmonize,  but  cold. 

Yellow  and  violet  harmonize. 

Yellow  and  lilac,  a  weak  harmony. 

Green  and  scarlet  harmonize. 

Green,  scarlet,  and  blue  harmonize. 

Green,  crimson,  blue,  and  gold,  or  yellow,  harmonize. 

Green  and  gold,  or  gold-color,  a  rich  harmony. 


HARMONY  OF  COLOR  IN  DBESS.        299 

Green  and  yellow  harmonize. 

Green  and  orange  harmonize. 

Orange,  blue,  and  crimson  harmonize. 

Orange,  purple,  and  scarlet,  harmonize. 

Orange,  blue,  scarlet,  and  purple  harmonize. 

Orange,  blue,  scarlet,  and  claret  harmonize. 

Orange,  blue,  scarlet,  white,  and  green  harmonize. 

Orange  and  chestnut,  harmonize. 

Orange,  and  brown,  an  agreeable  harmony. 

Orange,  lilac,  and  crimson,  harmonize. 

Orange,  red,  and  green  harmonize. 

Purple,  scarlet,  and  gold-color,  harmonize. 

Purple,  scarlet,  and  white  harmonize. 

Purple,  scarlet,  blue,  and  orange  harmonize. 

Purple,  scarlet,  blue,  yellow,  and  black  harmonize. 

Purple  and  gold,  or  gold-color,  a  rich  harmony. 

Purple  and  orange,  a  rich  harmony. 

Purple  and  maize  harmonize. 

Purple  and  blue  harmonize. 

Purple  and  black,  a  heavy  harmony. 

Purple  and  white,  a  cold  harmony. 

Lilac  and  crimson  harmonize. 

Lilac,  scarlet,  and  white,  or  black,  harmonize. 

Lilac,  gold-color,  and  crimson  harmonize. 

Lilac,  yellow,  or  gold,  scarlet,  and  white  harmonize. 

Lilac  and  gold,  or  gold-color,  harmonize. 

Lilac  and  white,  a  poor  harmony. 

Lilac  and  gray,  a  poor  harmony. 

Lilac  and  maize,  harmonize. 

Lilac  and  cherry,  an  agreeable  harmony. 


3(K)        HARMONY  OF  COLOR  IN  DRESS, 

Lilac  and  scarlet,  harmonize. 

White  and  gold-color,  a  poor  harmony. 

White  and  scarlet  harmonize. 

White  and  crimson  harmonize. 

White  and  cherry  harmonize. 

White  and  pink  harmonize. 

White  and  brown  harmonize. 

Black  and  white  a  perfect  harmony. 

Black  and  orange,  a  rich  harmony.         ^ 

Black  and  maize  harmonize. 

Black  and  scarlet  harmonize. 

Black  and  lilac  harmonize. 

Black  and  pink  harmonize. 

Black  and  slate-color  harmonize. 

Black  and  brown  a  dull  harmony. 

Black  and  drab,  or  buff  harmonize. 

Black,  white,  or  yellow  and  crimson  harmonize. 

Black,  orange,  blue,  and  scarlet  harmonize. 


CHAPTER  XXIV. 
THE  TOILETTE. 

IT  is  every  woman's  duty  to  make  herself  as  beau- 
tiful as  possible;  and  no  less  the  duty  of  every 

j  man  to  make  himself  pleasing  in  appearance.    The 

';  duty  of  looking  well  is  one  we  owe  not  only  to  our- 
selves, but  to  others  as  well.  We  owe  it  to  ourselves 
because  others  estimate  us  very  naturally  and  very 

j  properly  by  our  outward  appearance;  and  we  owe  it 
to  others  because  we  have  no  right  to  put  our  friends 

.1  to  the  blush  by  our  untidiness. 

[^  If  a  gentleman  ask  a  lady  to  accompany  him  to 
the  opera  or  a  concert,  she  has  no  right  to  turn  that 
expected  pleasure  into  a  pain  and  mortification  by 
presenting  herself  with  tumbled  hair,  ill-chosen 
dress,  badly-fitting  gloves  and  an  atmosphere  of 
cheap  and  offensive  perfumes.  So,  also,  if  the 
gentleman  comes  to  fulfill  his  appointment  with 
tumbled  clothes,  shaggy  hair  and  beard,  soiled  linen 
and  an  odor  of  stale  tobacco,  she  may  well  consider 
such  an  appearance  an  insult. 

Duty,  has  more  to  do  with  attention  to  the  toilette 
than  vanity.     We  are  therefore  bound  to  turn  our 


402  THE  TOILETTE, 

personal  attractions  to  the  very  best  advantage,  and 
to  preserve  every  agreeable  quality  with  which  we 
may  have  been  endowed. 

Health  and  Beauty. 

Upon  the  minor  details  of  the  toilette  depend,  in  a 
great  degree,  the  health,  as  well  as  the  beauty,  of  the 
individual.  In  fact,  the  highest  state  of  health  ii 
equivalent  to  the  greatest  degree  of  beauty  of  which 
the  individual  is  capable.  It  is  a  false  taste  which 
looks  upon  a  fragile  form  and  a  pale  and  delicate 
complexion  as  requisites  for  beauty.  The  strength 
and  buoyancy  and  vigor  of  youth,  the  full  and  roun- 
ded curves  of  form  and  features,  the  clear  complex- 
ion, fair  in  the  blonde  and  rich  and  brilliant  in  the 
brunette,  tinted  with  the  rosy  flush  of  health,^ — these 
constitute  the  true  beauty  which  all  should  seek, 
and  to  which  all  with  proper  care  can  at  least  par- 
tially attain. 

The  Dressing-room. 

The  first  requisite  in  properly  performing  the 
duties  of  the  toilette  is  to  have  a  regularly-arranged 
dressing-room.  This  room,  of  course,  in  many  in- 
stances, is  used  as  a  bedroom  as  well;  but  that  need 
not  interfere  with  its  general  arrangements. 

The  walls  should  be  covered  with  a  light-colored 
paper,  with  window-curtains  and  furniture  covers  all 
\n  harmony.  A  few  choice  chromes  or  water-color 
drawings  may  hang  on  the  walls,  and  one  or  two 


THE  TOILETTE,  303 

ornaments  may  occupy  a  place  on  the  mantel;  but  it 
must  be  borne  in  mind  that  the  room  is  to  be  used 
exclusively  for  dressing  and  the  toilette,  so  that 
everything  interfering  with  these  offices  in  any  way 
should  be  carefully  avoided. 

Lady's  Dressjng-Room. 

A  lady's  dressing-room  should  be  furnished  with 
a  low  dressing-bureau,  a  washstand,  an  easy-chair, 
placed  in  front  of  the  dressing-bureau,  one  or  two 
other  chairs,  a  sofa  or  couch  if  there  be  sufficient 
room,  and  a  large  wardrobe  if  there  are  not  suffi- 
cient closet  conveniences. 

The  dressing-bureau  should  contain  the  lady's 
dressing-case,  her  jewel-box,  pin-cushion  ring-stand, 
and  hairpin-cushion.  The  latter  is  very  convenient, 
and  is  made  in  the  following  way :  It  may  be  square 
or  round,  the  sides  of  card-board  or  wood,  loosely 
stuffed  with  fine  horsehair  and  covered  with  plain 
knitting,  worked  in  german  wool  with  fine  needles. 
This  cover  offers  no  impediment  to  the  hairpins 
which  are  much  better  preserved  in  this  way  than  by 
being  left  scattered  about  in  an  untidy  fashion.  There 
should  also  be  a  tray  with  various  kinds  of  combs, 
frizettes  bottles  of  perfumes,  &c. 

The  washstand  should  be  furnished  with  a  large 
bowl  and  pitcher,  small  pitcher  and  tumbler,  soap- 
tray,  sponge-basin,  holding  two  sponges  (large  and 
small),  china  tray  containing  two  tooth-brushes  and 
nail-brushes,  and  a  bottle  of  ammonia. 


804  THE  TOILETTE. 

On  the  right  of  the  washstand  should  be  the  towel 
-rack,  which  should  contain  one  fine  and  two  coarse 
towels  and  two  more  very  coarse  hucka-back  or  Tur- 
kish towels.  The  foot-bath  should  be  placed  beneath 
the  washstand. 

On  the  wall  there  should  be  hooks  and  pegs  at 
convenient  distances,  which  may  be  used  for  sacques, 
dressing-gowns,  dresses  about  to  be  worn,  or  any 
other  article  of  general  or  immediate  use. 

Dresses,  skirts,  crinolines,  etc.,  should  be  hung 
neatly  away  in  the  closet  or  wardrobe.  The  under- 
clothing should  be  folded  and  placed  in  an  orderly 
manner  in  the  drawers  of  the  dressing-bureau.  The 
finer  dresses  are  kept  in  better  order  if  folded  smooth- 
ly and  laid  on  shelves  instead  of  being  hung  up. 

Gentleman's  Dressing-room. 

The  arrangements  of  a  gentleman's  dressing-room 
are  similar  in  most  respects  to  those  of  the  lady's 
dressing-room,  the  differences  being  only  in  small 
matters. 

A  gentleman's  wardrobe  is  not  necessarily  so  large 
as  a  lady's,  but  it  should  be  well  supplied  with  draw- 
ers to  contain  vests  and  pantaloons  when  folded.  In- 
deed, no  gentleman  who  wishes  to  make  a  tidy  ap- 
pearance should  ever  hang  up  these  articles. 

The  hooks  and  pegs  in  a  gentleman's  dressing- 
room  are  for  the  convenience  of  articles  of  a  gentle- 
man's toilet  corresponding  with  those  occupying  a 
similar  place  in  the  lady's  room. 


THE  TOILETTE,  305 

In  a  gentleman's  dressing-bureau  should  be  found 
the  articles  used  in  a  gentleman's  toilet — razors, 
shaving-soap,  shaving-brush  and  a  small  tin  pot  for. 
hot  water,  also  packages  of  paper,  on  which  to  wipe 
razors.  Cheap  razors  are  a  failure  as  they  soon  lose 
their  edge.  It  has  been  suggested  as  an  excellent 
plan  to  have  a  case  of  seven  razors — one  for  each 
day  in  the  week — so  that  they  are  all  equally  used. 

A  boot-stand,  on  which  the  boots  and  shoes  should 
be  arranged  in  regular  order,  with  boot-jacks  and 
boot-hooks,  is  a  necessary  part  of  the  gentleman's 
dressing-room. 

A  couple  of  hair  gloves,  with  a  flesh-brush,  may 
be  added. 

The  Bath. 

In  most  of  our  houses  in  the  city  there  is  a  sepa- 
rate bath  room  with  hot  and  cold  water,  but  country 
houses  are  not  always  so  arranged.  A  substitute  for 
the  bath-room  is  a  largo  piece  of  oilcloth,  which  can 
be  laid  upon  the  floor  of  the  ordinary  dressing-room. 
Upon  this  may  be  placed  the  bath-tub  or  basin. 

There  are  various  kinds  of  baths,  both  hot  and 
cold — the  douche,  the  shower-bath,  the  hip-bath  and 
the  sponge-bath. 

We  do  not  bathe  to  make  ourselves  clean;  but  to 
keep  clean,  and  for  the  sake  of  its  health-giving  and 
invigorating  effects.  Once  a  week  a  warm  bath,  at 
about  100°,  may  be  used,  with  plenty  of  soap,  in  or- 
der to  thoroughly  cleanse  the  pores  of  the  skin. 


306  THE  TOILETTE, 

A  douche  or  hip-bath  may  be  taken  every  morn- 
ing, winter  and  summer,  with  the  temperature  of  the 
water  suited  to  the  endurance  of  the  individual.  In 
summer  a  second  or  sponge-bath  may  be  taken  on 
retiring. 

Only  the  most  vigorous  constitutions  can  endure 
the  shower-bath,  therefore  it  cannot  be  recommended 
for  indiscriminate  use. 

After  these  baths  a  rough  towel  should  be  vigor- 
ously used,  not  only  to  help  remove  the  impurities 
of  the  skin,  but  for  the  beneficial  friction  which  will 
send  a  glow  over  the  whole  body.  The  hair  glove 
or  flesh-brush  may  be  used  to  advantage  in  the  bath 
before  applying  the  towel. 

Before  stepping  into  the  bath  the  head  should  be 
wet  with  cold  water,  and  in  the  bath  the  pit  of  the 
stomach  should  first  be  sponged. 

There  is  no  danger  to  most  people  from  taking  a 
bath  in  a  state  of  ordinary  perspiration.  But  one 
should  by  all  means  avoid  it  if  fatigued  or  over- 
heated. 

The  Air-bath. 

Next  in  importance  to  the  water-bath  is  the  air- 
bath.  Nothing  is  so  conducive  to  health  as  an  ex- 
posure of  the  body  to  air  and  sun.  A  French  phy- 
sician has  recommended  the  sun-bath  as  a  desirable 
hygienic  practice.  It  is  well,  therefore,  to  remain 
without  clothing  for  some  little  time  after  bathing, 


THE  TOILETTE,  307 

performing  such  duties  of  the  toilet  as  can  be  done 
in  that  condition. 

The  Teeth. 

The  next  thing  to  be  done  is  to  clean  the  teeth. 
B'~:ides  this  daily  morning  cleaning,  the  teeth  should 
be  carefully  brushed  with  a  soft  brush  after  each 
meal,  and  also  on  retiring  at  night.  Use  the  brush 
so  that  not  only  the  outside  of  the  teeth  is  white, 
but  the  inside  also.  After  the  brush  is  used  plunge 
it  two  or  three  times  into  a  glass  of  fresh  water,  then 
rub  it  quite  dry  on  a  towel. 

Use  no  tooth-washes  nor  powders  whatever. 
There  may  be  some  harmless  ones,  but  it  is  impossi- 
ble for  a  person  of  ordinary  knowledge  to  discrim- 
inate between  them,  and  that  which  seems  to  be 
rendering  the  teeth  beautifully  white  may  soon  de- 
stroy the  enamel  which  covers  them.  Castile  soap 
used  once  a  day,  with  frequent  brushings  with  pure 
water  and  a  soft  brush,  cannot  fail  to  keep  the  teeth 
clean  and  white,  unless  they  are  disfigured  and  de- 
stroyed by  other  bad  habits,  such  as  the  use  of  to- 
bacco or  too  hot  or  too  cold  drinks. 

Tartar  is  not  so  easily  dealt  with,  but  it  requires 
equally  early  attention.  It  results  from  an  impaired 
state  of  the  general  health,  and  assumes  the  form  of 
a  yellowish  concretion  on  the  teeth  and  gums.  At 
first  it  is  possible  to  keep  it  down  by  a  repeated  and 
vigorous  use  of  the  tooth-brush;  but  if  a  firm,  solid 
mass  accumulates,  it  is  necessary  to  have  it  chipped 


308  THE  TOILETTR 

off  by  a  dentist.  Unfortunately,  too,  by  that  time  it 
will  probably  have  begun  to  loosen  and  destroy  the 
teeth  on  which  it  fixes,  and  is  pretty  certain  to  have 
produced  one  obnoxious  effect — that  of  tainting  the 
breath. 

On  the  slightest  appearance  of  decay  or  a  tend- 
ency to  accumulate  tartar,  go  at  once  to  a  dentist. 
If  a  dark  spot  appearing  under  the  enamel  is  neg- 
lected, it  will  eat  in  until  the  tooth  is  eventually 
destroyed.  A  dentist  seeing  the  tooth  in  its  first- 
stage  will  remove  the  decayed  part  and  plug  the 
cavity  in  a  proper  manner. 

Washing  the  teeth  with  vinegar  when  the  brush 
is  used  has  been  recommended  as  a  means  of  remov- 
ing tartar. 

Tenderness  of  the  gums,  to  which  some  persons 
are  subject,  may  sometimes  be  met  by  the  use  of  salt 
and  water,  but  it  is  well  to  rinse  the  mouth  frequent- 
ly with  water  with  a  few  drops  of  tincture  of  myrrh 
in  it. 

Relief  in  cases  of  decay  may  sometimes  be  ob- 
tained by  thrusting  into  the  cavity  with  a  needle  a 
little  cotton-wool  saturated  with  creosote  or  oil  of 
cloves. 

About  toothache  it  is  only  necessary  to  point  out 
that  it  results  from  various  causes,  and  that  therefore 
it  is  impossible  to  give  any  general  remedy  for  it. 
It  may  be  occasioned  by  decay,  by  inflammation  of 
the  membrane  covering  the  root,  or  the  pain  may  be 
neuralgic,/or  there  may  be  other  causes. 


THE  TOILETTE.  309 

When  there  is  inflammation,  relief  is  often  gained 
by  applying  camphorated  chloroform,  to  be  procured 
at  the  druggist's.  This  has  often  succeeded  when 
laudanum  and  similar  applications  have  entirely 
failed. 

It  may  be  added  that  foul  breath,  unless  caused 
by  neglected  teeth,  indicates  a  deranged  state  of  the 
system.  When  it  is  occasioned  by  the  teeth  or  other 
local  cause,  use  a  gargle  consisting  of  a  spoonful  of 
solution  of  chloride  of  lime  in  half  a  tumbler  of 
water.  Gentlemen  smoking,  and  thus  tainting  the 
breath,  may  be  glad  to  know  that  the  common  pars- 
ley has  a  peculiar  effect  in  removiiig  the  odor  of 
tobacco. 

The  Skin. 

Beauty  and  health  of  the  skin  can  only  be  ob- 
tained by  perfect  cleanliness  and  an  avoidance  of 
all  cosmetics,  added  to  proper  diet  and  correct 
habits. 

The  skin  must  be  frequently  and  thoroughly 
washed.  Occasionally  with  warm  water  and  soap,  to 
remove  the  oily  exudations  upon  its  surface.  If  any 
unpleasant  sensations  are  experienced  after  the  use 
of  soap,  they  may  be  immediately  removed  by  rins- 
ing the  surface  with  water  to  which  a  little  lemon- 
juice  or  vinegar  has  been  added. 

Our  somewhat  remote  maternal  ancestors  were 
very  chary  in  the  use  of  water  lest  it  should  injure 
the  complexion.    So  they  delicately  wiped  their  faces 


310  THE  TOILETTE. 

with  the  corner  of  a  towel  wet  in  elder-flower  water 
or  rose-water.  Or  in  springtime  they  tripped  out  to 
the  meadows  while  the  dew  still  l&y  upon  the  grass, 
and  saturating  their  kerchiefs  in  May  dew  refreshed 
their  cheeks  and  went  home  contented  that  a  con- 
scientious duty  had  been  performed.  And  so  it  was 
though  a  different  duty  than  the  one  they  congrat- 
ulated themselves  upon.  The  May  dew  did  them 
no  harm  at  least,  and  they  had  been  beguiled  by  a 
stratagem  into  early  rising. 

It  is  not  necessary  here  to  speak  of  various  cutane- 
ous eruptions.  The  treatment  of  these  belongs  prop- 
erly to  a  physician.  They  are  usually  the  result  of 
a  bad  state  of  the  blood  or  general  derangement  of 
the  lystem,  and  cannot  be  cured  by  any  merely  ex- 
ternal application. 

The  following  rules  may  be  given  for  the  preserva- 
tion of  the  complexion:  Rise  early  and  go  to  bed 
early.  Take  plenty  of  exercise.  Use  plenty  of  cold 
water,  and  good  soap  frequently.  Be  moderate  in 
eating  and  drinking.  Do  not  lace.  Avoid  as  much 
as  possible  the  vitiated  atmosphere  of  crowded  as- 
semblies. Shun  cosmetics  and  washes  for  the  skin. 
The  latter  dry  the  skin,  and  only  defeat  the  end  they 
are  supposed  to  have  in  view. 

Freckles  are  of  two  kinds.  Those  occasioned  by 
exposure  to  the  sunshine,  and  consequently  evanes- 
cent, are  denominated  "summer  freckles;  "  those 
which  are  constitutional  and  permanent  are  called 
"cold  freckles." 


THE  TOILETTE,  311 

Moles  are  frequently  a  great  disfigurement  to  the 
face,  but  they  should  not  be  tampered  with  in  any 
way.  The  only  safe  and  certain  mode  of  getting  rid 
of  moles  is  by  a  surgical  operation. 

With  regard  to  freckles,  it  is  impossible  to  give 
any  advice  which  will  be  of  value.  They  result  from 
causes  not  to  be  affected  by  mere  external  applica- 
tions. Summer  freckles  are  not  so  difficult  to  deal 
with,  and  with  a  little  care  the  skin  may  be  kept  free 
from  this  cause  of  disfigurement. 

Some  skins  are  so  delicate  that  they  become  freck- 
led on  the  slightest  exposure  in  the  open  air  of  sum- 
mer. The  cause  assigned  for  this  is  that  the  iron  in 
the  blood,  forming  a  junction  with  the  oxygen,  leaves 
a  rusty  mark  where  the  junction  takes  place.  We 
give  in  their  appropriate  place  some  recipes  for  re- 
moving these  latter  freckles  from  the  face. 

There  are  various  other  discolorations  of  the  skin, 
proceeding  frequently  from  derangement  of  the  sys- 
tem. The  cause  should  always  be  discovered  before 
attempting  a  remedy,  otherwise  you  may  aggravate 
the  complaint  rather  than  cure  it. 

The  Eyes,  Lashes  and  Brows. 

Beautiful  eys  are  the  gift  of  Nature,  and  can  owe 
little  to  the  toilet.  As  in  the  eye  consists  much  of  the 
expression  of  the  face,  therefore  it  should  be  borne 
in  mind  that  those  who  would  have  their  eyes  bear 
a  pleasing  expression  must  cultivate  pleasing  traits 
of  character  and  beautify  the  soul,  and  then  this 


812  THE  TOILETTE, 

beautiful  soul  will  look  through  its  natural  windows. 

Never  tamper  with  the  eyes.  There  is  danger  of 
destroying  them.  All  daubing  or  dyeing  of  the  lids 
is  foolish  and  vulgar. 

Short-sightedness  is  not  always  a  natural  defect. 
It  may  be  acquired  by  bad  habits  in  youth.  A  short- 
sighted person  should  supply  himself  with  glasses 
exactly  adapted  to  his  wants ;  but  it  is  well  not  to 
use  these  glasses  too  constantly,  as,  even  when  they 
perfectly  fit  the  eye,  they  really  tend  to  shorten  the 
sight.  Unless  one  is  very  short-sighted,  it  is  best  to 
keep  the  glasses  for  occasional  use,  and  trust  ordi- 
'narily  to  the  unaided  eye.  Parents  and  teachers 
should  watch  children  and  see  that  they  do  not  ac- 
quire the  habit  of  holding  their  books  too  close  to 
their  eyes,  and  thus  injure  their  sight. 

Parents  should  also  be  careful  that  their  children 
do  not  become  squint-  or  cross-eyed  through  any 
carelessness.  A  child's  hair  hanging  down  loosely 
over  its  eyes,  or  a  bonnet  projecting  too  far  over 
them,  or  a  loose  ribbon  or  tape  fluttering  over  the 
forehead,  is  sometimes  sufficient  to  direct  the  sight 
irregularly  until  it  becomes  permanently  crossed. 

A  beautiful  eyelash  is  an  important  adjunct  to  the 
eye.  The  lashes  may  be  lengthened  by  trimming 
them  occasionally  in  childhood.  Care  should  be 
taken  that  this  trimming  is  done  neatly  and  evenly. 
Great  care  how-ever  must  be  used  in  this  direction, 
as,  after  a  certain  age  they  never  grow  again. 

The  eyebrows  may  be  brushed  carefully  in  the 


THE  TOILETTE,  813 

direction  which  they  should  lie,  and  when  the  hair 
is  oiled,  which  should  be  but  seldom,  they  may  be 
oiled  also. 

Generally,  it  is  in  exceeding  bad  taste  to  dye 
either  lashes  or  brows,  for  it  usually  brings  them 
into  inharmony  with  the  hair  and  features.  There 
are  cases,  however,  when  the  beauty  of  an  otherwise 
fine  countenance  is  utterly  ruined  by  white  lashes 
and  brows.  In  such  cases  one  can  hardly  be  blamed 
if  India  ink  is  resorted  to,  to  give  them  the  desired 
color. 

Never  shave  the  brows.  It  adds  to  their  beauty 
in  no  way,  and  may  result  in  an  irregular  growth  of 
new  hair. 

The  utmost  care  should  be  taken  of  the  eyes. 
They  should  never  be  strained  in  an  imperfect  light, 
whether  that  of  clouded  daylight,  twilight  or  flick- 
ering lamp-  or  candle-light. 

Many  persons  have  an  idea  that  a  dark  room  is 
best  for  the  eyes.  On  the  contrary,  it  weakens  them 
and  renders  them  permanently  unable  to  bear  the 
light  of  the  sun.  Our  eyes  were  naturally  designed 
to  endure  the  broad  light  of  Heaven  and  the  nearer 
we  approach  to  this  in  our  houses,  the  stronger  will 
be  our  eyes  and  the  longer  will  we  retain  our  sight. 

Some  persons  have  the  eyebrows  meeting  over  the 
nose.  This  is  usually  considered  a  disfigurement, 
but  there  is  no  remedy  for  it.  It  may  be  a  consola- 
tion for  such  people  to  know  that  the  ancients  ad- 


314  THE  TOILETTE. 

mired  this  style  of  eyebrows,  and  that  Michael  An- 
gelo  possessed  it. 

It  is  useless  to  pluck  out  the  uniting  hairs;  and  if 
a  depilatory  is  applied,  a  mark  like  that  of  a  scar  left 
from  a  burn  remains,  and  is  more  disfiguring  than 
the  hair. 

If  the  lids  of  the  eyes  become  inflamed  and  scaly, 
do  not  seek  to  remove  the  scales  roughly,  for  they 
will  bring  the  lashes  with  them.  Apply  at  night  a 
little  cold  cream  to  the  edges  of  the  closed  lids,  and 
wash  them  in  the  morning  with  lukewarm  milk  and 
water. 

Sties  in  the  eye  are  irritating  and  disfiguring. 
Foment  with  warm  water;  at  night  apply  a  bread- 
and-milk  poultice.  When  a  white  head  forms,  prick 
it  with  a  fine  needle.  Should  the  inflammation  be 
obstinate,  a  little  citrine  ointment  may  be  applied, 
care  being  taken  that  it  does  not  get  into  the  eye. 

It  is  well  to  have  on  the  toilet-table  a  remedy  for 
inflamed  eyes.  Spermaceti  ointment  is  simple  and 
well  adapted  to  this  purpose.  Apply  at  night,  and 
wash  off  with  rose-water  in  the  morning.  There  is 
a  simple  lotion  made  b}'-  dissolving  a  very  small 
piece  of  alum  and  a  piece  of  lump-sugar  of  the  same 
size  in  a  quart  of  water;  put  the  ingredients  into  the 
water  cold  and  let  them  simmer.  Bathe  the  eyes 
frequently  with  it. 

The  Hair. 
There  is  nothing  that  so  adds  to  the  charm  of  an 


THE  TOILETTE,  315 

individual  as  a  good  head  of  hair.  The  complexion 
and  the  features  may  be  perfect,  but  if  the  hair  is 
thin  and  harsh  they  all  pass  for  little.  On  the  other 
hand,  magnificent  locks  will  atone  for  other  de- 
ficiencies. 

The  hair  should  be  brushed  for  at  least  twenty 
minutes  in  the  morning,  for  ten  minutes  when  it  is 
dressed  in  the  middle  of  the  day,  and  for  a  like 
period  at  night.  In  brushing  or  combing  it  begin 
at  the  extreme  points,  and  in  combing  hold  the 
portion  of  hair  just  above  that  through  which  the 
comb  is  passing  firmly  between  the  first  and  second 
fingers,  so  that  if  it  is  entangled  it  may  drag  from 
that  point,  and  not  from  the  roots.  The  finest  head 
of  hair  may  be  spoiled  by  the  practice  of  plunging 
the  comb  into  it  high  up  and  dragging  it  in  a 
reckless  manner.  Short,  loose,  broken  hairs  are  thus 
created,  and  become  very  troublesome. 

The  skin  of  the  head  requires  even  more  tender- 
ness and  cleanliness  than  any  other  portion  of  the 
body,  and  is  capable  of  being  irritated  by  disease. 
Formerly,  the  use  of  a  fine-tooth  comb  was  con- 
sidered essential  to  the  proper  care  of  the  hair,  but 
in  general,  to  the  careful  brusher,  the  fine  comb  is 
not  necessary. 

The  hair  should  be  brushed  carefully.  The  brush 
should  be  of  moderate  hardness,  not  too  hard.  The 
hair  should  be  separated,  in  order  that  the  head  itself 
may  be  well  brushed,  as  by  doing  so  the  scurf  is  re- 
moved, and  that  is  most  essential,  as  not  only  is  it 


316  THE  TOILETTE. 

unpleasant  and  unsightly,  but  if  suffered  to  remain 
it  becomes  saturated  with  perspiration  and  tends  to 
weaken  the  roots  of  the  hair,  causing  it  in  time  to 
fall  off. 

Vinegar  and  water  form  a  good  wash  for  the  roots 
of  the  hair.  Ammonia  diluted  with  water  is  still 
better. 

Nothing  is  simpler  or  better  in  the  way  of  oil 
than  pure,  unscented  salad  oil,  and  in  the  way  of  a 
pomatum  bear's  grease  is  as  pleasant  as  anything. 
Apply  either  with  the  hands  or  keep  a  soft  brush 
for  the  purpose,  but  take  care  not  to  use  the  oil  too 
freely.  An  over-oiled  head  of  hair  is  vulgar  and 
oifensive.  So  are  scents  of  any  kind  in  the  oil  ap- 
plied to  the  hair.  It  is  well  also  to  keep  a  piece  of 
flannel  with  which  to  rub  the  hair  at  night  after 
brushing  it,  in  order  to  remove  the  oil  before  lay- 
ing the  head  upon  the  pillow. 

Do  not  plaster  the  hair  with  oil  or  pomatum. 
A  white,  concrete  oil  pertains  naturally  to  the  cov- 
ering of  the  human  head,  but  some  persons  have 
it  in  more  abundance  than  others.  Those  whose 
hair  is  glossy  and  shining  need  nothing  to  render 
it  so;  but  when  the  hair  is  harsh,  poor  and  dry, 
artificial  lubrication  is  necessary.  Persons  who  per- 
spire freely  or  who  accumulate  scurf  rapidly  require 
it  also. 

The  hair-brush  should  also  be  frequently  washed 
in  diluted  ammonia. 

For  removing  scurf  glycerine  diluted  with  a  little 


THE  TOILETTE,  817 

rose-water  will  be  found  of  service.  Any  prepara- 
tion of  rosemary  forms  an  agreeable  and  highly 
cleansing  wash. 

The  yolk  of  an  egg  beaten  up  in  warm  water  is  an 
excellent  application  to  the  scalp. 

Many  heads  of  hair  require  nothing  more  in  the 
way  of  wash  than  soap  and  water. 

Do  not  by  any  means  use  any  dyes  or  advertised 
nostrums  to  preserve  or  change  the  color  of  the  hair, 
or  to  prevent  it  from  falling  out  or  to  curl  it.  They 
are  one  and  all  objectionable,  containing  more  or 
less  poison,  some  of  them  even  sowing  the  germs  of 
paralysis  or  of  blindness. 

Young  girls  should  wear  their  hair  cut  short  until 
they  are  grown  up  if  they  would  have  it  then  in  its 
best  condition. 

Beware  of  letting  the  hair  grow  too  long,  as  the 
points  are  apt  to  weaken  and  split.  It  is  well  to 
have  the  ends  clipped  off  once  a  month. 

The  style  of  modern  coiffure  is  so  perpetually 
changing  with  every  breath  of  fashion  that  it  is 
useless  to  say  much  about  it  in  these  pages.  It  may 
be  well  to  hint  that  when  fashion  ordains  extrava- 
gance in  style  of  wearing  the  hair  or  in  the  abun- 
dance of  false  locks,  the  lady  of  refinement  will 
follow  her  mandates  only  at  a  distance,  and  will  sup- 
plement the  locks  with  which  Nature  has  provided 
her  only  so  far  as  is  absolutely  required  to  prevent 
her  presenting  a  singular  appearance. 

A  serious  objection  to  dyeing  the  hair  is  that  it  is 


318  THE  TOILETTE, 

almost  impossible  to  give  the  hair  a  tint  which  har- 
monizes with  the  complexion. 

If  the  hair  begins  to  change  early  and  the  color 
goes  in  patches,  procure  from  the  druggist's  a  prep- 
aration of  the  husk  of  the  walnut  water  or  eau  crayon. 
This  will  by  daily  application  darken  the  tint  of  tlie 
hair  without  actually  dyeing  it.  When  the  change 
of  color  has  gone  on  to  any  great  extent,  it  is  better 
to  abandon  the  application  and  put  up  with  the 
change,  which,  in  nine  cases  out  of  ten,  will  be  in 
accordance  with  the  change  in  the  face.  Indeed, 
there  is  nothing  more  beautiful  than  soft  white  hair 
worn  in  plain  bands  or  clustering  curls  about  the 
face. 

The  walnut-water  may  be  used  for  toning  down 
too  red  hair. 

Gentlemen  are  more  liable  to  baldness  than  ladies, 
owing,  no  doubt,  to  the  use  of  the  close  hat,  which 
confines  and  overheats  the  head.  It  may  be  consid' 
ered,  perhaps,  as  a  sort  of  punishmemt  for  disregard- 
ing one  of  the  most  imperative  rules  of  politeness,  to 
always  remove  the  hat  in  the  presence  of  ladies,  the 
observance  of  which  would  keep  the  head  cool  and 
well  aired. 

If  the  hair  is  found  to  be  falling  out,  the  first  thing 
to  do  is  to  look  to  the  hat  and  see  that  it  is  light  and 
thoroughly  ventilated.  There  is  no  greater  enemy 
to  the  hair  than  the  silk  dress-hat.  The  single  eye- 
let-hole through  the  top  does  not  secure  sufficient 
circulation  of  air  for  the  health  of  the  head.    It  is 


THE  TOILETTE,  Slff 

best  to  lay  this  hat  aside  altogether  and  adopt  light 
straw  in  its  place. 

It  would,  no  doubt,  be  to  the  advantage  of  men  if 
they  would  take  to  going  out  in  the  open  air  bare-" 
headed.  Women  think  nothing  of  stepping  out  of 
doors  heads  uncovered,  men  scarcely  ever  do  it.  We 
are  of  opinion  that  if  the  health  of  the  brain  and 
hair  is  to  be  paramount  we  should  learn  to  consider 
hats  and  bonnets,  and  especially  hats,  as  worn  merely 
as  hostages  to  the  proprieties,  and  not  at  all  as  neces- 
sities, while  we  should  seek  to  do  without  them  on 
every  possible  occasion,  in  doors  and  out. 

It  is  conceded  that  artists  and  musicians  may  wear 
their  hair  long  if  they  choose,  but  it  is  imperative 
upon  all  other  gentlemen  to  cut  their  hair  short. 
Long  hair  on  a  man  not  of  the  privileged  class  above 
named  will  indicate  him  to  the  observer  as  a  person 
of  unbalanced  mind  and  unpleasantly  erratic  char- 
acter— a  man,  in  brief,  who  seeks  to  impress  others 
with  the  fact  that  he  is  eccentric,  something  which 
a  really  eccentric  person  never  attempts. 

The  Beard. 

Those  who  shave  should  be  careful  to  do  so  every 
morning.  Nothing  looks  worse  than  a  stubbly  beard. 
Some  persons  whose  beards  are  strong  should  shave 
twice  a  day,  especially  if  they  are  going  to  a  party 
in  the  evening. 

The  style  of  hair  on  the  face  should  be  governed 
by  the  character  of  the  face.    Some  people  wear  the 


320  THE  TOILETTE. 

full  beard,  not  shaving  at  all ;  others  long  Cardigan 
whiskers ;  some  moustache  and  whiskers  or  mutton- 
chop  whiskers,  or  the  long,  flowing  moustache  and 
imperial  of  Victor  Emmanuel,or  the  spiky  moustache 
of  the  late  emperor  of  the  French.  But  whatever 
the  style  be,  the  great  point  is  to  keep  it  well  brush- 
ed and  trimmed  and  to  avoid  any  appearance  of  wild- 
ness  or  inattention.  The  full,  flowing  beard  of  course 
requires  more  looking  after,  in  the  way  of  cleanli- 
ness than  any  other.  It  should  be  thoroughly  wash- 
ed and  brushed  at  least  twice  a  day,  as  dust  is  sure 
to  accumulate  in  it,  and  it  is  very  easy  to  suffer  it 
to  become  objectionable  to  cue's  self  as  well  as  to 
others.  If  it  is  naturally  glossy,  it  is  better  to  avoid 
the  use  of  oil  or  pomatum. 

The  moustache  should  be  worn  neatly  and  not 
over-large. 

In  conclusion,  our  advice  to  those  who  shave  is 
like  Punch's  advice  to  those  about  to  marry; 
"Don't!"  There  is  nothing  that  so  adds  to  native 
manliness  as  the  full  beard  if  carefully  and  neatly 
kept.  Nature  certainly  knows  best;  and  no  man 
need  be  ashamed  of  showing  his  manhood  in  the 
hair  of  his  face. 

The  person  who  invented  razors  libeled  nature  and 
added  a  fresh  misery  to  the  days  of  man.  "Ah," 
said  Diogenes,  who  would  never  consent  to  be 
shaved,  "would  you  insinuate  that  Nature  had  done 
better  to  make  you  a  woman  than  a  man?" 


THE  TOILETTE,  321 

The  Hand. 

A  beautiful  hand  is  long  and  slender,  with  taper- 
ing fingers  and  pink,  filbert-shaped  nails.  The  hand, 
to  be  in  proper  proportion  to  the  rest  of  the  body, 
should  be  as  long  as  from  the  point  of  the  chin  to 
the  edge  of  the  hair  on  tJie  forehead. 

Be  careful  always  to  dry  the  hands  thoroughly,  and 
rub  them  briskly  for  some  time  afterward.  When 
this  is  not  sufficiently  attended  to  in  cold  weather, 
the  hands  chap  and  crack.  When  this  occurs,  rub 
a  few  drops  of  honey  over  them  when  dry,  or  anoint 
them  with  cold  cream  or  glycerine  before  going 
to  bed. 

As  cold  weather  is  the  usual  cause  of  chapped 
hands,  so  the  winter  season  brings  with  it  a  cure  for 
them.  A  thorough  washing  in  snow  and  soap  will 
cure  the  worst  case  of  chapped  hands  and  leave 
them  beautifully  soft  and  white. 

The  hands  should  be  kept  scrupulously  clean,  and 
therefore  should  be  very  frequently  washed — not 
merely  rinsed  in  soap  and  water,  but  thoroughly 
lathered,  and  scrubbed  with  a  soft  nail-brush.  In 
cold  weather  the  use  of  lukewarm  water  is  unobjec- 
tionable, after  which  the  hands  should  be  dipped 
into  cold  water  and  very  carefully  dried  on  a  fine 
towel. 

Should  you  wish  to  make  your  hands  white  and 
delicate,  you  might  wash  them  in  white  milk  and 
water  for  a  day  or  two.     On  retiring  to  rest  rub 

21 


322  THE  TOILETTE, 

them  well  over  with  some  palm  oil  and  put  on  a 
pair  of  woolen  gloves.  The  hands  should  be  thor- 
oughly washed  with  hot  water  and  soap  the  next 
morning,  and  a  pair  of  soft  leather  gloves  worn  dur- 
ing the  day,  They  should  frequently  be  rubbed 
together  to  promote  circulation. 

Sunburnt  hands  may  be  washed  in  lime-water  or 
lemon-juice. 

Warts,  which  are  more  common  with  young  peo- 
ple than  with  adults,  are  very  unsightly,  and  are 
sometimes  very  difficult  to  get  rid  of.  The  best  plan 
is  to  buy  a  small  stick  of  lunar  caustic,  which  is  sold 
in  a  holder  and  case  at  the  druggist's  for  the  purpose, 
dip  it  in  water,  and  touch  the  wart  every  morning 
and  evening,  care  being  taken  to  cut  away  the  with- 
ered skin  before  repeating  the  operation.  A  still 
better  plan  is  to  apply  acetic  acid  gently  once  a  day 
with  a  camel's-hair  pencil  to  the  summit  of  the  wart. 
Care  should  be  taken  not  to  allow  this  acid  to  touch 
the  surrounding  skin;  to  prevent  this  the  finger  or 
hand  at  the  base  of  the  wart  may  be  covered  with 
wax  during  the  operation. 

Nothing  is  so  repulsive  as  to  see  a  lady  or  gentle- 
man, however  well  dressed  they  may  otherwise  be, 
with  nails  dressed  in  mourning. 

Never  bite  the  nails;  it  not  only  is  a  most  dis- 
agreeable habit,  but  tends  to  make  the  nails  jagged, 
deforrned  and  difficult  to  clean,  besides  giving  a  red 
and  stumpy  appearance  to  the  finger-tips. 

On  no  account  scrape  the  nails  with  a  view  to 


THE  TOILETTE.  323 

polishing  their  surface.      Sucli  an  operation  only 
tends  to  make  them  wrinkled  and  thick. 

The  nails  should  be  cut  about  once  a  week — cer-. 
tainly  not  oftener.  This  should  be  accomplished 
jush  after  washing,  the  nail  being  softer  at  such  a 
time.  Care  should  be  taken  not  to  cut  them  too 
short,  though,  if  they  are  left  too  long,  they  will 
frequently  get  torn  and  broken.  They  should  be 
nicely  rounded  at  the  corners.  Recollect,  the  filbert- 
shaped  nail  is  considered  the  most  beautiful. 

Some  people  are  troubled  by  the  cuticle  adhering 
to  the  nail  as.  it  grows.  This  may  be  pressed  down 
with  the  towel  after  washing;  or  should  that  not 
prove  efficacious,  it  must  be  loosened  round  the  edge 
with  some  blunt  instrument. 

It  always  results  from  carelessness  and  inattention 
to  the  minor  details  of  the  toilet,  which  is  most  rep- 
rehensible. 

Absolute  smallness  of  a  hand  is  not  essential  to 
beauty,  which  requires  that  the  proper  proportions 
should  be  observed  in  the  human  figure.  Many  a 
young  girl  remains  idle  for  fear  her  hand  will  grow 
larger  by  work.  The  folly  of  this  idea  is  only  equal- 
ed by  that  of  the  Chinese  woman  who  bandages  the 
feet  of  her  daughter  and  does  not  permit  her  to  walk 
lest  her  feet  should  grow  to  the  size  Nature  intended 
them.  What  are  our  hands  made  for  if  not  for 
work?  And  that  hand  which  does  the  most  work 
in  the  world  is  the  hand  most  to  be  honored  and  to 
be    admired.     The    hand    which    remains    small 


834  THE  TOILETTE. 

through  inaction  is  not  only  not  beautiful,  but  to  be 
despised. 

People  afflicted  with  moist  hands  should  revolu- 
tionize their  habits,  take  more  out-door  exercise  and 
more  frequent  baths.  They  should  adopt  a  nutri- 
tious but  not  over-stimulating  diet,  and  perhaps  take 
a  tonic  of  some  sort.  Local  applications  of  starch- 
powder  and  the  juice  of  lemon  may  be  used  to 
advantage. 

With  proper  care  the  hand  may  be  retained  beau- 
tiful, soft  and  shapely,  and  yet  perform  its  fair  share 
of  labor.  The  hands  should  always  be  protected  by 
gloves  when  engaged  in  work  calculated  to  injure 
them.  Gloves  are  imperatively  required  for  garden- 
work.  The  hands  should  always  be  washed  carefully 
and  dried  thoroughly  after  such  labor.  If  they  are 
roughened  by  soap,  rinse  them  in  a  little  vinegar  or 
lemon-juice,  and  they  will  become  soft  and  smooth 
at  once. 

The  Feet. 

If  one  would  see  a  representation  of  a  perfectly- 
formed  foot,  let  him  turn  to  the  pictures  of  Guido 
and  Murillo,  who  probably  had  for  models  the  shape- 
ly feet  of  Italian  and  Spanish  peasants,  which  never 
had  known  the  bondage  of  a  shoe. 

If  a  modern  artist  succeeds  in  painting  a  perfect 
foot,  it  must  be  looked  upon  as  the  result  of  inspira- 
tion, for  surely  he  can  find  no  models  among  the  shoe- 
tortured,  pinched  and  deformed  feet  of  the  men  and 
women  of  the  present  day. 


THE  TOILETTE.  £25 

We  once  had  an  opportunity  to  examine  the  feet  of 
a  modern  fashionable  lady — feet  which,  encased  in 
their  dainty  gaiters,  were  as  long  and  narrow  and  as 
handsomely  shaped  as  the  most  fastidious  taste  could 
require.  But  what  a  sight  the  bare  foot  presented ! 
In  its  hideous  deformity  there  was  scarcely  a  trace 
of  its  original  natural  shape.  The  forward  portion 
of  the  foot  was  squeezed  and  narrowed,  the  toes  were 
pressed  together  and  moulded  into  the  sh^pe  of  the 
narrow  shoe.  The  ends  of  the  toes,  with  the  nails, 
were  turned  down ;  the  big  toe,  instead  of  standing 
a  little  apart  from  the  others,  was  bent  over  toward 
them,  and  its  outline  formed  one  side  of  a  triangle, 
of  which  the  little  toe  and  the  ends  of  the  interme- 
diate toes  were  the  second  side,  and  the  end  of  the  big 
toe  the  junction  of  the  two  sides.  In  addition  to 
this,  the  toes  and  the  ball  of  the  big  toe  were  covered 
with  corns  and  calluses.  « 

This  deformity  and  disease,  existing,  no  doubt,  in 
many  a  foot,  we  are  called  upon  to  regard  as  beauty 
when  hidden  in  its  encasing  shoe! 

A  well-formed  foot  is  broad  at  the  sole,  the  toes 
well  spread,  each  separate  toe  perfect  and  rounded  in 
form.  The  nails  are  regular  and  perfect  in  shape  as 
those  of  the  fingers.  The  second  toe  projects  a  little 
beyond  the  others,  and  the  first  or  big  toe  stands 
slightly  apart  from  the  rest  and  is  slightly  lifted,  as 
as  we  see  in  Murillo's  beautiful  picture  of  the  infant 
St.  John. 

The  feet  from  the  circumstance  of  their  being  so 


826  THE  TOILETTE. 

much  confined  by  boots  and  shoes,  require  more 
care  in  washing  than  the  rest  of  the  body.  Yet  they 
do  not  always  get  this  care.  "  How  is  it,"  asked  a 
French  lady,  "that  we  are  always  washing  our 
hands,  while  we  never  wash  our  feet?"  We  trust 
this  statement  of  the  case  is  not  quite  true,  though 
WG  fear  that  with  some  individuals  it  somewhat  ap- 
proaches it.  The  hands  receive  frequent  washings 
everyday.  Once  a  week  is  quite  as  often  as  many 
people  bestow  the  same  attention  upon  the  feet. 

A  perfectly-shaped  foot  can  hardly  be  hoped  for 
in  these  days,  when  children's  feet  are  encased  in 
shoes  from  earliest  infancy  and  Nature  is  not  allow- 
ed to  have  her  way  at  any  time.  In  country  places 
where  children  are  allowed  to  run  barefoot  during 
the  summer  there  is  still  some  trace  of  beauty  left; 
and  instead  of  its  being  regarded  as  a  misfortune  to 
be  thus  ♦deprived  of  feet-covering,  it  should  be  es- 
teemed an  advantage. 

"  How  dirty  your  hands  are ! "  exclaimed  an  as- 
tonished acquaintance  to  Lady  Montague,  whom  she 
met  in  public  with  hands  most  decidedly  unwashed. 
Ah ! "  replied  that  lady,  in  a  tone  of  the  utmost 
unconcern;  "what  would  you  say  if  you  saw  my 
feet?" 

And  what  would  we  say  if  we  saw  many  people's 
feet?  That  they  needed  washing,  certainly.  A  tepid 
bath,  at  about  80°  or  90°,  should  be  used.  The  feet 
may  remain  in  the  water  about  five  minutes,  and 
the  instant  they  are  taken  out  they  should  be  rapid- 


THE  TOILETTE.  827 

ly  and  thoroughly  dried  by  being  well  rubbed  with 
a  coarse  towel.  Sometimes  bran  is  used  in  the 
water. 

Some  people  are  troubled  with  moist  or  damp  feet. 
This  complaint  arises  more  particularly  during  the 
hot  weather  in  summer-time,  and  the  greatest  care 
and  cleanliness  should  be  exercised  in  respect  to 
it.  Persons  so  afflicted  should  wash  their  feet  twice 
a  day  in  soap  and  warm  water;  after  which  they 
should  put  on  clean  socks.  Should  this  fail  to  effect 
a  cure,  they  may,  after  being  washed  as  above,  be ' 
rinsed,  and  then  thoroughly  rubbed  with  a  mix- 
ture consisting  of  half  a  pint  of  warm  water  and 
three  tablespoonfuls  of  concentrated  solution  of 
chloride  of  soda. 

After  the  bath  is  the  time  for  paring  the  toe-nails, 
as  they  are  so  much  softer  and  more  pliant  after 
having  been  immersed  in  warm  water. 

Few  things  are  more  invigorating  and  refreshing 
after  a  long  walk  or  getting  wet  in  the  feet  than  a 
tepid  foot-bath,  clean  stockings  and  a  pair  of  easy 
shoes. 

To  avoid  chilblains  on  the  feet  it  is  necessary  to 
observe  three  rules:  1.  Avoid  getting  the  feet  wet; 
if  they  become  so,  change  the  shoes  and  stockings 
at  once.  2.  Wear  lamb's  wool  socks  or  stockings. 
3.  Never  under  any  circumstances  "toast  your  toes," 
before  the  fire,  especially  if  you  are  very  cold.  Fre- 
quent bathing  of  the  feet  in  a  strong  solution  of  alum 
is  useful  in  preventing  the  coming  of  chilblains. 


828  THE  TOILETTE. 

People  who  walk  much  are  frequently  afflicted 
with  blisters,  and  many  are  the  plans  adopted  for 
their  prevention.  Some  soap  their  socks,  some  pour 
spirits  in  their  shoes,  others  rub  their  feet  with  glyce- 
rine. The  great  point,  however,  is  to  have  easy, 
well-fitting  boots  and  woolen  socks.  Should  blisters 
occur,  a  very  good  plan  is  to  pass  a  large  darning- 
needle  threaded  with  worsted  through  the  blister 
lengthwise,  leaving,  an  inch  or  so  of  the  thread  out- 
side at  each  end.  This  keeps  the  scurf-skin  close  to 
the  true  skin,  and  prevents  any  grit  or  dirt  entering. 
The  thread  absorbs  the  matter,  and  the  old  skin  re- 
mains till  the  new  one  grows.  A  blister  should  not 
be  punctured  save  in  this  manner,  as  it  may  degener- 
ate into  a  sore  and  become  very  troublesome. 

On  the  first  indication  of  any  redness  of  the  toes 
and  sensation  of  itching  it  would  be  well  to  rub  them 
carefully  with  warm  spirits  of  rosemary,  to  which  a 
little  turpentine  has  been  added.  Then  a  piece  of 
lint  soaked  in  camphorated  spirits,  opodeldoc  or 
camphor  liniment  may  be  applied  and  retained  on 
the  part. 

Should  the  chilblain  break,  dress  it  twice  daily 
with  a  plaster  of  equal  parts  of  lard  and  beeswax, 
with  half  the  quantity  in  weight  of  oil  of  turpentine. 

It  is  tolerably  safe  to  say  that  those  who  wear 
loose,  easy-fitting  shoes  and  boots  will  never  be 
troubled  with  corns.  Some  people  are  more  liable 
to  corns  than  others,  and  some  will  persist  in  the 
use  of  tightly-fitting  shoes  in  spite  of  corns.   Though 


THE  TOILETTE.  S29 

these  latter  really  deserve  to  suffer,  it  is  still  our 
duty  to  do  what  we  can  to  remove  that  suffering. 

Pare  the  toe-nails  squarer  than  those  of  the  fin- 
gers. Keep  them  a  moderate  length — long  enough 
to  protect  the  toe,  but  not  so  long  as  to  cut  holes  in 
the  stockings.  Always  cut  the  nails;  never  tear 
them,  as  is  too  frequently  the  practice.  Be  careful 
not  to  destroy  the  spongy  substance  below  the  nails, 
as  that  is  the  great  guard  to  prevent  them  going  into 
the  quick. 

The  toe-nails  do  not  grow  so  fast  as  the  finger- 
nails, but  they  should  be  looked  after  and  trimmed 
at  least  once  a  fortnight.  They  are  much  more  sub- 
ject to  irregularity  of  growth  than  the  finger-nails, 
owing  to  their  confined  position.  If  the  nails  show 
a  tendency  to  grow  in  at  the  sides,  the  feet  should 
be  bathed  in  hot  water,  pieces  of  lint  be  introduced 
beneath  the  parts  with  an  inward  tendency,  and  the 
nail  itself  scraped  longitudinally. 

The  remedies  for  corns  are  innumerable.  There 
is  no  doubt,  however,  that  corns  are  the  result  of 
undue  pressure  and  friction.  According  to  the  old 
formula,  *•  Remove  the  cause,  and  the  effect  will 
cease."  But  how  to  remove  it?  As  a  general 
preventive  against  corns  adopt  the  plan  of  having 
several  pairs  of  shoes  or  boots  in  constant  use,  and 
change  every  day.  When  the  corn  has  asserted 
itself,  felt  corn-plasters  may  be  procured  of  the  drug- 
gist, taking  care  that  you  cut  the  aperture  in  them 
large  enough  to  prevent  any  portion  of  them  press- 


830  THE  TOILETTE. 

ing  on  the  edges  of  the  corn.  Before  long  the  corn 
"will  disappear. 

The  great  fault  with  modern  shoes  is  that  their 
soles  are  made  too  narrow,  If  one  would  secure 
perfect  healthfulness  of  the  feet,  he  should  go  to  a 
shoemaker  and  step  with  his  stockinged  feet  on  a 
sheet  of  paper.  Let  the  shoemaker  mark  with  a 
pencil  upon  the  paper  the  exact  size  of  his  foot,  and 
then  make  him  a  shoe  whose  sole  shall  be  as  broad 
as  this  outlined  foot. 

Still  more  destructive  of  the  beauty  and  symmetry 
of  our  women's  feet  have  been  the  high,  narrow 
heels  so  much  worn  lately.  They  made  it  diflScult 
to  walk,  and  even  in  some  cases  permanently  crip- 
pled the  feet. 

A  shoe,  to  be  comfortable,  should  have  a  broad  sole 
and  a  heel  of  moderate  height,  say  one-half  an  inch, 
as  broad  at  the  bottom  as  at  the  top. 


CHAPTER  XXV. 
TOILETTE  BECIPES. 


To  Bemove  Freckles. 

SCRAPE  horseradish  into  a  cup  of  cold  sour 
milk;  let  it  stand  twelve  hours;  strain,  and 
apply  two  or  three  times  a  day. 

One  ounce  of  alum,  ditto  of  lemon-juice,  in  a  pint 
of  rose-water. 

Prepare  the  skin  by  spreading  over  it  at  night  a 
paste  composed  of  one  ounce  of  bitter  almonds,  ditto 
of  barley-flour,  and  a  sufficient  quantity  of  honey  to 
give  the  paste  consistency.  Wash  off  in  the  morning, 
and  during  the  day  apply  with  a  camel's-hair  brush 
a  lotion  compounded  thus:  One  drachm  of  muriat- 
ic acid,  half  a  pint  of  rain-water  and  a  teaspoouful 
of  lavender-water,  mixed. 

At  night  wash  the  skin  with  elder-flower  water, 
and  apply  an  ointment  made  by  simmering  gently 
one  ounce  of  Venice  soap,  quarter  of  an  ounce  of 
deliquated  oil  of  tartar,  and  ditto  of  oil  of  bitter 
almonds.  When  it  acquires  consistency,  three  drops 
of  oil  of  rhodium  may  be  added.  Wash  the  oint- 
ment off"  in  the  morning  with  rose-water. 


832  TOILETTE  RECIPES. 

Muriate  of  ammonia  half  a  drachm,  lavender- 
water  two  drachms,  distilled  water  half  a  pint; 
apply  two  or  three  times  a  day. 

Into  half  a  pint  of  milk  squeeze  the  juice  of  a 
lemon,  with  a  spoonful  of  brandy,  and  boil,  skim- 
ming well.    Add  a  drachm  of  rock  alum. 

Mix  lemon-juice  one  ounce,  powdered  borax 
quarter  of  a  drachm,  sugar  half  a  drachm;  keep 
for  a  few  days  in  a  glass  bottle  and  apply  occa- 
sionally. 

To  Remove  Wrinkles. 

Melt  white  wax  one  ounce  to  gentle  heat,  and  add 
juice  of  lily  bulbs  two  ounces  and  honey  two  ounces, 
rose-water  two  drachms  and  attar  of  roses  a  drop  or 
two.    Use  twice  a  day. 

Use  tepid  water  instead  of  cold  in  ablutions. 

Put  some  powder  of  best  myrrh  upon  an  iron 
plate  sufficiently  heated  to  melt  the  gum  gently, 
and  when  it  liquefies  cover  your  head  with  a  napkin 
and  hold  your  face  over  the  myrrh  at  a  proper  dis- 
tance to  receive  the  fumes  without  inconvenience. 
Do  not  use  it  if  it  causes  headache. 

To  Remove  Discoloration  of  the  Skin. 

Elder-flower  ointment  one  ounce,  sulphate  of  zinc 
twenty  grains;  mix  well,  and  rub  into  the  affected 
skin  at  night.  In  the  morning  wash  it  off  with 
plenty  of  soap,  and  when  tlie  grease  is  completely 
removed  apply  the  following  lotion :  Infusion  of  rose- 


TOILETTE  RECIPES,  333 

petals  half  a  pint,  citric  acid  thirty  grains.  All  local 
discolorations  will  disappear  under  this  treatment; 
and  if  freckles  do  not  entirely  yield,  they  will  in 
most  instances  be  greatly  ameliorated.  Should  any 
unpleasant  irritation  or  roughness  of  the  skin  follow 
the  application,  a  lotion  composed  of  half  a  pint  of 
almond  mixture  and  half  a  drachm  of  Goulard's  ex- 
tract will  afford  immediate  relief. 

To  Remove  Sunburn. 

Milk  of  almonds,  obtained  at  the  druggist's,  is  as 
good  a  remedy  as  any  to  use. 

Cold  Cream. 

Melt  together  a  pint  of  oil  of  sweet  almonds,  one 
ounce  of  white  wax,  half  an  ounce  of  spermaceti 
and  half  a  pint  of  rose-water.    Beat  to  a  paste. 

Put  into  a  jar  one  pint  of  sweet-oil,  half  an  ounce 
of  spermaceti  and  two  ounces  of  white  wax.  Melt 
in  a  jar  by  the  fire.    Add  scent. 

To  Cure  Chilblains. 

Rub  with  alum  and  water. 

Put  the  hands  and  feet  two  or  three  times  a  week 
into  warm  water  in  which  two  or  three  handfuls  of 
common  salt  have  been  dissolved. 

Rub  with  a  raw  onion  dipped  in  salt. 

When  indications  of  chilblains  first  present  them- 
selves, take  vinegar  three  ounces,  camphorated  spir- 
its of  wine  one  ounce;  mix  and  rub. 


334  TOILETTE  BECIPES. 

Haie-cuelinq  Fluid. 

One  of  the  fluids  in  use  is  made  by  dissolving  a 
small  portion  of  beeswax  in  an  ounce  of  olive  oil 
and  adding  scent  according  to  fancy. 

The  various  fluids  advertised  and  recommended 
for  the  purpose  of  giving  straight  hair  a  tendency  to 
curl  are  all  impositions.  The  only  curling-fluid  of 
any  service  is  a  very  weak  solution  of  isinglass, 
which  will  hold  the  curl  in  the  position  in  which  it 
is  placed  if  care  is  taken  that  it  follows  the  direction 
in  which  the  hair  naturally  falls. 

To  Peevent  the  Haie  from  Falling  Off. 

A  quarter  of  a  pint  of  cod-liver  oil,  two  drachms 
of  origanum,  fifteen  drops  of  ambergris,  the  same  of 
musk. 

Boxwood  shavings  six  ounces,  proof  spirits  twelve 
ounces,  spirits  of  rosemary  two  ounces,  spirits  of 
nutmeg  one-half  an  ounce.  Steep  the  boxwood 
shavings  in  the  spirits  for  fourteen  days  at  a  temper- 
ature of  60°;  strain,  and  add  the  rest. 

Vinegar  of  cantharides  half  an  ounce,  eau-de-co- 
logne  one  ounce,  rose-water  one  ounce.  The  scalp 
should  be  brushed  briskly  until  it  becomes  red,  and 
the  lotion  should  then  be  applied  to  the  roots  of  the 
hair  twice  a  day. 

Rye  Tooth  Powder. 

Rye  contains  carbonate  of  lime,  carbonate  of  mag- 
nesia, oxide  of  iron,  manganese,  and  silica,  all  suita- 


TOILETTE  BECIPES.  £35 

ble  for  application  to  the  teeth.  Therefore  a  fine 
tooth-powder  is  made  by  burning  rye,  or  rye  bread, 
to  ashes,  and  grinding  it  to  powder  by  passing  the 
rolling  pin  over  it.  Pass  the  powder  through  a  sieve 
and  use. 

Bandoline. 

This  essential  for  the  toilette  is  prepared  in  several 
ways. 

It  may  be  made  of  Iceland  moss,  a  quarter  of  an 
ounce  boiled  in  a  quart  of  water,  and  a  little  rectified 
spirits  added,  so  that  it  may  keep. 

Simmer  an  ounce  of  quince  seed  in  a  quart  of 
water  for  forty  minutes ;  strain,  cool,  add  a  few  drops 
of  scent,  and  bottle,  corking  tightly. 

Take  of  gum  tragacanth  one  and  a  half  drachms, 
water  half  a  pint,  rectified  spirits  mixed  with  an 
equal  quantity  of  water  three  ounces,  and  a  little 
scent.  Let  the  mixture  stand  for  a  day  or  two,  then 
strain. 

Rose-water. 

Rose-water  may  be  made  by  taking  half  an  ounce 
of  powdered  white  sugar  and  two  drachms  of  mag- 
nesia; with  these  mix  twelve  drops  of  attar  of  roses. 
Add  a  quart  of  water  and  two  ounces  of  alcohol, 
mixed  in  a  gradual  manner,  and  filter  through  blot- 
ting-paper. 

LiP-SALVE. 

This  indispensable  adjunct  to  the  toilette  may  be 


836  TOILETTE  BECIPES. 

made  by  melting  in  a  jar  placed  in  a  basin  of  boiling 
water  a  quarter  of  an  ounce  each  of  white  wax  and 
spermaceti,  flour  of  benzoin  fifteen  grains,  and  half  an 
ounce  of  oil  of  almonds.  Stir  till  the  mixture  is  cool. 
Color  red  with  a  little  alkanet  root. 

To  Acquire  a  Bright  and  Smooth  Skin. 

Distill  two  handfuls  of  jessamine  flowers  in  a 
quart  of  rose-water  and  a  quart  of  orange-water. 
Strain  through  porous  paper,  and  add  a  scruple  of 
musk  and  a  scruple  of  ambergris. 

Tepid  bath  and  harsh  towel.  Air  and  exercise. 
Tepid  water  and  bran.  Infuse  wheat-bran,  well  sif- 
ted, for  four  hours  in  white  wine  vinegar;  add  to  it 
five  yolks  of  eggs  and  two  grains  of  ambergris,  and 
distill  the  whole.  It  should  be  carefully  corked  for 
twelve  or  fifteen  days.    Constant  application. 

Sticking-plaster. 

Stretch  a  piece  of  black  silk  on  a  wooden  frame, 
and  apply  dissolved  isinglass  to  one  side  of  it  with 
a  brush.  Let  it  dry,  repeat  the  process,  and  then 
cover  with  a  strong  tincture  of  balsam  of  Peru. 

To  Improve  the  Complexion. 

The  whites  of  four  eggs  boiled  in  rose-water,  half 
an  ounce  of  alum,  half  an  ounce  of  oil  of  sweet 
almonds ;  beat  the  whole  together  until  it  assumes 
the  consistency  of  paste.  Spread  upon  a  silk  or 
muslin  mask,  to  be  worn  at  night. 


TOILETTE  BECIPES.  337 

Burns. 

An  application  of  cold,  wet  common  whitening, 
placed  on  immediately,  is  recommended  as  an  inval- 
uable remedy. 

Pimpernel  Water. 

Pimpernel  is  a  most  wholesome  plam;,  and  often 
used  in  European  countries  for  the  purpose  of  whiten- 
ing the  complexion;  it  is  there  in  so  high  reputa- 
tion, that  it  is  said  generally,  that  it  ought  to  be 
continually  on  the  toilet  of  every  lady  who  cares  for 
the  brightness  of  her  skin. 

Take  a  small  piece  of  the  gum  benzoin  and  boil 
it  in  spirits  of  wine  till  it  becomes  a  rich  tincture. 
Fifteen  drops  poured  into  a  glass  of  water;  wash  and 
leave  to  dry. 

To  Soften  the  Hands. 

Take  half  a  pound  of  soft  soap,  a  gill  of  salad 
oil,  an  ounce  of  mutton  tallow,  and  boil  them  till 
they  are  thoroughly  mixed.  After  the  boiling  has 
ceased,  but  before  the  mixture  is  cold,  add  one  gill 
of  spirits  of  wine  and  a  grain  of  musk.  Anoint 
the  hands,  draw  on  gloves,  and  let  them  remain  till 
morning. 

For  Roughness  op  the  Skin. 

Steep  the  pimpernel  plant  in  pure  rain-water,  and 
bathe  the  face  with  the  decoction. 
Mix  two  ports  of  white  brandy  with  one  part  of 


838  TOILETTE  IlECIPES, 

rose-water,  and  wash  the  face  night  and  morning. 
Take  equal  parts  of  the  seed  of  the  melon,  pump- 
kin, gourd  and  cucumber,  pounded  until  they  are 
reduced  to  powder;  add  to  it  sufficient  fresh  cream  to 
dilute  the  flour,  and  then  add  milk  enough  to  reduce 
the  whole  to  a  thin  paste.  Add  a  grain  of  musk  and 
a  few  drops  of  the  oil  of  lemon.  Anoint  the  face 
with  this;  leave  it  on  twenty  or  thirty  minutes,  or 
over-night  if  convenient,  and  wash  off  with  warm 
water.  It  gives  a  remarkable  purity  and  brightness 
to  the  complexion. 

For  Rough  and  Chapped  Hands. 

Lemon-juice  three  ounces,  white  wine  vinegar 
three  ounces,  and  white  brandy  one-half  a  pint. 

To  Prevent  Hair  Turning  Gray. 

Oxide  of  bismuth  four  drachms,  spermaceti  four 
drachms,  pure  hog's  lard  four  ounces.  Melt  the  two 
last  and  add  the  first. 

To  Soften  and  Beautify  the  Hair. 

Beat  up  the  whites  of  four  eggs  into  a  froth,  and 
rub  thoroughly  in  close  to  the  roots  of  the  hair. 
Leave  it  to  dry  on.  Then  wash  the  head  and  hair 
clean  with  a  mixture  of  equal  parts  of  rum  and  rose- 
water. 

To  Remove  Pimples. 
Pimples  are  sometimes  removed  by  frequent  wash- 


TOILETTE  RECIPES.  839 

ings  in  warm  water  and  prolonged  friction  with  a 
coarse  towel. 

Sulphur-water  one  ounce,  acetated  liquor  of  am- 
monia one-quarter  of  an  ounce,  liquor  of  potassa  one 
grain,  white  wine  vinegar  two  ounces,  distilled  water 
two  ounces.    Bathe  the  face. 

To  Remove  Tan. 

New  milk  half  a  pint,  lemon-juice  one-fourth  of 
an  ounce,  white  brandy  half  an  ounce.  Boil  the 
whole,  and  skim  clear  from  scum.  Use  night  and 
morning. 

Cure  for,  Corns. 

One  teaspoonful  of  tar,  one  teaspoonful  of  coarse 
brown  sugar  and  one  teaspoonful  of  saltpetre,  the 
whole  to  be  warmed  together.  Spread  it  on  kip 
leather  the  size  of  the  corns,  and  in  two  days  they 
will  be  drawn  out. 

Take  nightshade  berries,  boil  them  in  hog's  lard, 
and  anoint  the  corn  with  the  salve. 

Chapped  Lips. 
Oil  of  roses  four  ounces,  white  wax  one  ounce, 
spermaceti   one-half  an  ounce.      Melt  in  a  glass 
vessel  and  stir  with  a  wooden  spoon.     Pour  into  a 
glass  or  china  cup. 

Remedy  for  Black  Teeth. 
Take  equal  parts  of  cream  of  tartar  and  salt; 


340  TOILETTE  RECIPES. 

pulverize  it  and  mix  it  well.  Then  wash  your 
teeth  in  the  morning,  and  rub  them  with  the 
powder. 

To  Clean  the  Teeth  and  Gums. 

Take  one  ounce  of  myrrh  in  fine  powder,  two 
tablespoonfuls  of  honey,  and  a  little  green  sage  in 
very  fine  powder.  Mix  them  well  together,  and 
wet  the  teeth  and  gums  with  a  little  every  night  and 
morning. 

Pomade  Against  Baldness. 

Take  of  extract  of  yellow  Peruvian  bark  fifteen 
grains,  extract  of  rhatany-root  eight  grains,  extract 
of  burdock-root  and  oil  of  nutmegs  (fixed)  of  each 
two  drachms,  camphor  (dissolved  with  spirits  of 
wine)  fifteen  grains,  beef-marrow  two  ounces,  best 
olive  oil  one  ounce,  citron-juice  one-half  a  drachm, 
aromatic  essential  oil  as  much  as  sufficient  to  render 
it  fragrant.    ^Mix  and  make  into  an  ointment. 

Cologne. 

Take  one  gallon  of  spirits  of  wine  and  add  of  the 
oil  of  lemon,  orange  and  bergamot  each  a  spoonful, 
also  add  extract  of  vanilla  forty  drops.  Shake  until 
the  oils  are  cut,  then  add  a  pint  and  a  half  of  soft 
water. 

Take  two  drachms  each  of  oil  of  lemon,  oil  of 
rosemary  and  oil  of  bergamot,  one  drachm  of  oil  of 
lavender,  ten  drops  each  of  oil  of  cinnamon  and  oil 
of  cloves,  two  drops  of  oil  of  rose,  eight  drops  of 


TOILETTE  RECIPES.  841 

tincture  of  musk,  and  one  quart  of  alcohol  or 
spirits  of  ■wine.  Mix  all  together,  when  it  will  be 
ready  for  use.    The  older  it  gets,  thQ  better. 

Take  one  gall6n  of  ninety  per  cent  alcohol,  and 
add  to  it  one  ounce  each  of  oil  of  bergamot  and  oil 
of  orange,  two  drachms  of  oil  of  cedrat,  one  drachm 
each  of  oil  of  neroli  and  oil  of  rosemary.  Mix  well, 
and  it  is  fit  for  use. 

Ox-marrow  Pomatum. 

Take  two  ounces  of  yellow  wax  and  twelve  ounces 
of  beef-marrow.  Melt  all  together,  and  when  suffi- 
ciently cool  perfume  it  with  the  essential  oil  of 
almonds. 

Dentifrice. 

The  following  is  one  of  the  best  recipes  for  tooth- 
powder: — 

Take  of  prepared  chalk  six  ounces,  cassia  powder, 
half  an  ounce,  orris-root,  an  ounce.  These  are  to  be 
well  mixed,  and  may  be  colored  with  red  lake,  or 
any  other  innocent  substance,  according  to  the  fancy 
of  the  user.  This  dentifrice  is  to  be  used  with  a  firm 
brush  every  morning;  the  teeth  should  also  be  brush- 
ed before  going  to  bed,  but  it  is  seldom  necessary  to 
use  the  powder  more  than  once  a  day. 

To  Clean  Kid  Gloves. 

"Wash  them  with  soap  and  water,  then  stretch 
them  on  wooden  hands  or  pull  them  into  shape  with- 


342  TOILETTE  BECIPES. 

out  wringing  them ;  next  rub  them  with  pipe-clay  or 
yellow  ochre,  or  a  mixture  of  the  two,  in  any  requir- 
ed shade,  made  into  a  paste  with  beer;  let  them  dry 
gradually,  and  when  about  half  dry  rub  them  well, 
so  as  to  smooth  them  and  put  them  into  shape;  then 
dry  them,  brush  out  the  superfluous  color,  cover 
them  with  paper  and  smooth  them  with  a  warm 
iron.  Other  colors  may  be  employed  to  mix  the 
pipe-clay  besides  yellow  ochre. 

Another. 

Put  the  gloves  on  your  hands  and  wash  them,  as 
if  you  were  washing  your  hands,  in  some  spirits  of 
turpentine,  until  quite  clean;  then  hang  them  up  in 
a  warm  place  or  where  there  is  a  current  of  air,  and 
all  smell  of  the  turpentine  will  be  removed. 

By  rubbing  gloves  with  a  clean  cloth  dipped  in 
milk  and  then  rubbed  on  brown  Windsor  soap  you 
may  restore  them  to  a  very  fair  state  of  cleanliness. 

How  TO  MAKE  Shoes  and  Boots  Waterproof. 

Take  neats'  foot  oil  and  dissolve  in  it  caoutchouc 
(India-rubber),  a  sufficient  quantity  to  form  a  kind 
of  varnish;  rub  this  on  your  boots  or  shoes.  The 
oil  must  be  placed  where  it  is  warm,  and  the  caout- 
chouc put  into  it  in  parings.  It  will  take  several 
days  to  dissolve. 

To  Remove  a  Tight  Ring. 
When  a  ring  happens  to  get  tightly  fixed  on  the 


TOILETTE  RECIPES.  343 

finger,  as  it  will  sometimes  do,  a  piece  of  common 
twine  should  be  well  soaped,  and  then  be  wound 
round  the  finger  as  tightly  as  possible  or  as  can  be 
borne.  The  twine  should  commence  at  the  point  of 
the  finger  and  be  continued  till  the  ring  is  reached ; 
the  end  of  the  twine  must  then  be  forced  through  the 
ring  with  the  head  of  a  needle,  or  anything  else  that 
may  be  at  hand.  If  the  string  is  then  unwound,  the 
ring  is  almost  sure  to  come  off  the  finger  with  it. 

To  Loosen  Stoppers  of  Toilette-bottles. 
Let  a  drop  of  pure  oil  flow  round  the  stopper,  and 
stand  the  bottle  a  foot  or  two  from  the  fire.  After  a 
time  tap  the  stopper  smartl}'-,  but  not  too  hard,  with 
the  handle  of  a  hair-brush;  if  this  is  not  effectual, 
use  a  fresh  drop  of  oil  and  repeat  the  process.  It  is 
pretty  sure  to  succeed. 

Cleaning  Jewelry. 

Gold  ornaments  are  best  kept  bright  and  clean 
with  soap  and  warm  water,  with  which  they  should 
be  scrubbed,  a  soft  nail-brush  being  used  for  the  pur- 
pose. They  may  be  dried  in  box  sawdust,  in  a  bed 
of  which  it  is  desirable  to  let  them  lie  before  the  fire 
for  a  time.  Imitation  jewelry  may  be  treated  in  the 
same  way. 

To  Clean  Kid  Boots. 

Mix  a  little  white  of  egg  and  ink  in  a  bottle,  so 
that  the  composition  may  be  well  shaken  up  when 
required  for  use.     Apply  to  the  kid  with  a  piece  of 


344  TOILETTE  RECIPES. 

sponge  and  rub  dry.  The  best  thing  to  rub  with  is 
the  palm  of  the  hand.  When  the  kid  shows  symp- 
toms of  cracking,  rub  in  a  few  drops  of  sweet  oil. 
The  soles  and  heels  should  be  polished  with  common 
blacking. 

Cleaning  Silver. 

For  cleaning  silver,  either  articles  of  personal  wear 
or  those  pertaining  to  the  toilette-table  or  dressing- 
case,  there  is  nothing  better  than  a  spoon-ful  of  com- 
mon whitening,  carefully  pounded  so  as  to  be  without 
lumps,  reduced  to  a  paste  with  gin. 

To  Remove  Grease-spots. 

French  chalk  is  useful  for  removing  grease-spots 
from  clothing.  Spots  on  silk  will  sometimes  yield 
if  a  piece  of  blotting-paper  is  placed  over  them  and 
the  blade  of  a  knife  is  heated  (not  too  much)  and 
passed  over  the  paper. 

To  Clean  Patent-leather  Boots. 

In  cleaning  patent-leather  boots,  first  remove  all 
the  dirt  upon  them  with  a  sponge  or  flannel;  then 
the  boot  should  be  rubbed  lightly  over  with  a  paste 
consisting  of  two  spoonfuls  of  cream  and  one  of 
linseed-oil,  both  of  which  require  to  be  warmed  be- 
fore being  mixed.     Polish  with  a  soft  cloth. 

To  TAKE  Mildew  out  of  Linen. 

"Wet  the  linen  which  contains  the  mildew  with  soft 
water,  rub  it  well  with  white  soap,  then  scrape  some 


TOILETTE  RECIPES.  345 

fine  chalk  to  powder  and  rub  it  well  into  the  linen; 
lay  it  out  on  the  grass  in  the  sunshine,  watching  to 
keep  it  damp  with  soft  water.  Repeat  the  process 
the  next  day,  and  in  a  few  hours  the  mildew  will 
entirely  disappear. 

To  Remove  Stains  and  Spots  feom  Silk. 

We  often  find  that  lemon-juice,  vinegar,  oil  of  vit- 
riol and  other  sharp  corrosives  stain  dyed  garments. 
Sometimes,  by  adding  a  little  pearlash  to  a  soap- 
lather  and  passing  the  silks  through  these,  the  faded 
color  will  be  restored.  Pearlash  and  warm  water  will 
sometimes  do  alone,  but  it  is  the  most  efficacious  to 
use  the  soap-lather  and  pearlash  together. 

Boil  five  ounces  of  soft  water  and  six  ounces  of 
powdered  alum  for  a  short  time,  and  pour  it  into 
a  vessel  to  cool.  Warm  it  for  use,  and  wash  the 
stained  part  with  it  and  leave  to  dry. 

Wash  the  soiled  part  with  ether,  and  the  grease 
will  disappear. 

Toothache  Preventive. 
Use  flowers  of  sulphur  as  a  tooth-powder  every 
night,  rubbing  the  teeth  and  gums  with  a  rather 
hard  toothbrush.  If  done  after  dinner  too,  all  the 
better.  It  preserves  the  teeth  and  does  not  commu- 
nicate any  smell  whatever  to  the  mouth. 

Certain  Cure  for  a  Felon. 
Take  a  pint  of  common  soft  soap  and  stir  in  it  air- 
slaked  lime  till  it  is  of  the  consistency  of  glazier's 


846  TOILETTE  BECIPES. 

putty.  Make  a  leather  thimble,  fill  it  with  this  com- 
position and  insert  the  finger  therein,  and  change  the 
composition  once  in  twenty  minutes,  and  a  cure  is 
certain. 

Cure  for  the  Croup. 

A  piece  of  fresh  lard  as  large  as  a  butternut,  rub- 
bed up  with  sugar  in  the  same  way  that  butter  and 
sugar  are  prepared  for  the  dressing  of  puddings, 
divided  into  three  parts  and  given  at  intervals  of 
twenty  minutes,  will  relieve  any  case  of  croup  which 
has  not  already  progressed  to  the  fatal  point. 

Cure  for  Ingrowing  Nails  on  Toes. 
Take  a  little  tallow  and  put  it  into  a  spoon,  and 
heat  it  over  a  lamp  until  it  becomes  very  hot ;  then 
pour  it  on  the  sore  or  granulation.  The  effect  will 
be  almost  magical.  The  pain  and  tenderness  will  at 
once  be  relieved.  The  operation  causes  very  little 
pain  if  the  tallow  is  perfectly  heated.  Perhaps  a  re- 
petition may  be  necessary  in  some  cases. 

To  Remove  Grease-spots  from  Woolen  Cloth. 

Take  one  quart  of  spirits  of  wine  or  alcohol,  twelve 
drops  of  wintergreen,  one  gill  of  beef-gall  and  six 
cents'  worth  of  lavender.  A  little  alkanet  to  color  if 
you  wish.     Mix. 

To  Clean  Woolen  Cloth. 
Take  equal  partsof  spirits  of  hartshorn  and  ether. 
Ox-jrall  mixed  with  it  makes  it  better. 


TOILETTE  RECIPES.  347 

To  TAKE  Ink-spots  from  Linen. 

Take  a  piece  of  mould  candle  of  the  finest  kind, 
melt  it,  and  dip  the  spotted  part  of  the  linen  in  the 
melted  tallow.    Then  throw  the  linen  into  the  wash. 

How  to  Darken  Faded  False  Hair. 

The  switches,  curls  and  frizzes  which  fashion  de- 
mands should  be  worn  will  fade  in  course  of  time; 
and  though  they  match  the  natural  hair  perfectly  at 
first,  they  will  finally  present  a  lighter  tint.  If  the 
hair  is  brown  this  can  be  remedied.  Obtain  a  yard 
of  dark-brown  calico.  Boil  it  until  the  color  has 
well  come  out  into  the  water.  Then  into  this  water 
dip  the  hair,  and  take  it  out  and  dry  it.  Repeat  the 
operation  until  it  shall  be  of  the  required  depth  of 
shade. 

How  to  Wash  Laces. 

Take  an  old  wine-bottle  and  cover  it  with  the  cut- 
off leg  of  a  soft,  firm  stocking,  sewing  it  tightly  above 
and  below.  Then  wind  the  soiled  collar  or  lace 
smoothly  around  the  covered  bottle;  take  a  fine 
needle  and  thread  and  sew  very  carefully  around  the 
outer  edge  of  the  collar,  catching  every  loop  fast  to 
the  stocking.  Then  shake  the  bottle  up  and  down  in 
a  pailful  of  warm  soap-suds,  occasionally  rubbing  the 
soiled  places  with  a  sponge.  It  can  be  rinsed 
after  the  same  manner.  It  must  be  rinsed  well. 
When  the  lace  is  clean,  then  apply  a  very  weak 
solution  of  gum  arable  and  stand  the  bottle  in  the 


848  TOILETTE  RECIPES. 

sunshine  to  dry.  Rip  off  the  lace  very  carefully 
when  perfectly  dry.  Instead  of  ironing,  lay  it  be- 
tween the  white  leaves  of  a  heavy  book;  or,  if  you 
are  in  a  hurry,  iron  on  flannel  between  a  few  thick- 
nesses of  fine  musliii.  Done  up  in  this  way,  lace 
collars  will  wear  longer,  stay  clean  longer,  and 
have  a  rich,  new,  lacy  look  that  they  will  not  have 
otherwise. 

To  Keep  Hair  in  Curl. 

To  keep  hair  in  curl,  take  a  few  quince-seed,  boil 
them  in  water,  and  add  perfumery  if  you  like;  wet 
the  hair  with  this,  and  it  will  keep  in  curl  longer  than 
from  the  use  of  any  other  preparation.  It  is  also 
good  to  keep  the  hair  in  place  on  the  forehead  on 
going  out  in  the  wind. 

Putting  away  Furs  for  the  Summer. 

"When  you  are  ready  to  put  away  furs  and  woolens, 
and  want  to  guard  against  the  depredations  of  moths, 
pack  them  securely  in  paper  flour-sacks  and  tie  them 
up  well.  This  is  better  than  camphor  or  tobacco 
or  snuff"  scattered  among  them  in  chest  and  drawers. 
Before  putting  your  muffs  away  for  the  summer 
twirl  them  by  the  cords  at  the  ends,  so  that  every 
hair  will  straighten.  Put  them  in  their  boxes  and 
paste  a  strip  of  paper  where  the  lid  fits  on. 

Remedy  for  Burnt  Kid  or  Leather  Shoes. 
If  a  lady  has  had  the  misfortune  to  put  her  shoes 


TOILETTE  RECIPES.  849 

or  slippers  too  near  the  stove,  and  thus  got  them 
burned,  she  can  make  them  nearly  as  good  as  ever 
by  spreading  soft-soap  upon  them  while  they  are 
still  hot,  and  then,  when  they  are  cold,  washing  it  off. 
It  softens  the  leather  and  prevents  it  drawing  up. 

To  Clean  Silks  and  Ribbons. 

The  water  in  which  pared  potatoes  have  been 
boiled  is  very  good  to  wash  black  silks  in ;  it  stiffens 
and  makes  them  glossy  and  black. 

Camphene  will  extract  grease  and  clean  ribbons 
without  changing  the  color  of  most  things.  They 
should  be  dried  in  the  open  air  and  ironed  when 
pretty  dry. 

Soap-suds  answer  very  well.  They  should  be  wash- 
ed in  two  suds  and  not  rinsed  in  clean  water. 

Take  equal  quantities  of  soap  lye-soap,  alchol  or 
gin,  and  molasses.  Lay  the  silk  on  a  clean  table 
without  creasing;  rub  on  the  mixture  with  a  flannel 
cloth.  Rinse  the  silk  well  in  cold  clear  water,  and 
hang  it  up  to  dry  without  wringing.  Iron  it,  before 
it  gets  dry,  on  the  wrong  side.  Silks  and  ribbons 
treated  in  this  way  will  look  very  nice. 

To  Choose  Good  Black  Silk. 

Pull  out  a  thread  of  the  filling  and  see  if  it  is 
strong.  If  it  stands  the  test,  then  rub  one  coner  of 
the  silk  in  the  hands  as  though  washing  it.  After 
this  operation,  if  it  be  good  silk,  it  will  upon  being 
brushed  out,  look  as  smooth  as  ever.    If,  on  holding 


850  TOILETTE  BECIPES. 

it  up  to  the  light  and  looking  through  it,  you  see  no 
traces  of  the  rubbing,  be  sure  the  silk  is  good.  The 
"vvarp  and  filling  should  not  difTer  much  in  size,  or  it 
will  not  wear  well.  If  you  choose  a  figured  silk,  let 
the  figure  be  small  and  well  woven  in,  else  it  will 
soon  present  a  frayed  appearance,  and  you  will  have 
to  pick  off  the  little  tags  of  silk  that  will  dot  the 
breadths. 

How  TO  Wash  a  Nubia. 

These  pretty  fleecy  things  are  often  ruined  in  the 
first  washing.  Yet  it  is  possible  to  wash  them  and 
have  them  look  almost  as  well  as  ever.  First  braid  the 
tassels,  then  make  a  hot  suds  with  fine  castile  soap, 
and  instead  of  rubbing  or  wringing  it  with  the  hands, 
run  it  through  the  wringing-machine.  Then  open 
the  nubia  as  widely  as  possible  and  spread  it  on 
some  clean  place  to  dry.  A  bed  is  a  good  place  for 
this.  After  it  is  thoroughly  dry  take  the  braid  out 
of  the  tassels,  and  the  pretty  little  waves  will  be  in 
them  just  as  before  washing.  It  is  the  rubbing  and 
twisting  of  a  nubia,  or  any  knit  article,  which  dam- 
ages it,  and  makes  it  look  old  and  worn  instead  of 
light  and  airy  and  fleecy,  as  it  does  at  first.  If  any 
article  of  this  kind  is  torn,  it  should  be  mended 
carefully  with  crewel  or  fine  silk  of  a  corresponding 
color.  Then  dampen  the  place  repaired,  lay  a  paper 
over  it,  and  press  the  spot  with  a  warm  iron. 

To  TAKE  Stains  out  of  Silk. 
Mix  together  in  a  vial  two  ounces  of  essence  of 


TOILETTE  BECIPES.  851 

lemon  and  one  ounce  of  oil  of  turpentine.  Grease 
and  other  spots  in  silk  must  be  rubbed  gently  with 
a  linen  rag  dipped  in  the  above  composition. 

To  Remove  Acid-stains  from  Silk. 
Apply  spirits  of  hartshorn,  with  a  soft  rag. 

How  TO  Whiten  Linen. 

Stains  occasioned  by  fruit,  iron  rust  and  other 
similar  causes  may  be  removed  by  applying  to  the 
parts  injured  a  weak  solution  of  the  chloride  of 
lime,  the  cloth  having  been  previously  well  washed. 
The  parts  subjected  to  this  operation  should  be  sub- 
sequently well  rinsed  in  soft,  clear,  warm  water,  with- 
out soap,  and  be  immediately  dried  in  the  sun. 

Oxalic  acid  diluted  by  water  will  accomplish  the 
same  end. 

Protection  against  Moths. 

A  small  piece  of  paper  or  linen  moistened  with 
turpentine  and  put  into  the  wardrobe  or  drawers  for 
a  single  day  two  or  three  times  a  year  is  a  sufficient 
preservative  against  moths. 

To  Extract  Paint  from  Garments. 

Saturate  the  spot  with  spirits  of  turpentine,  let  it 
remain  a  number  of  hours,  then  rub  it  between  the 
hands;  it  will  crumble  away  without  injury  either  to 
the  texture  or  color  of  any  kind  of  woolen,  cotton 
or  silk  goods. 


852  TOILETTE  BECIPES. 

To  Remove  Stains  from  White  Cotton  Goods. 

Scalding  water  will  remove  fruit-stains.  So  also 
will  hartshorn  diluted  with  warm  water,  but  it  wiil 
be  necessary  to  apply  it  several,  times. 

Common  salt  rubbed  on  fruit  stains  before  they 
become  dry  will  extract  them. 

Colored  cotton  goods  that  have  ink  spilled  on 
them  should  be  soaked  in  lukewarm  sour  milk. 

For  mildew,  rub  in  salt  and  some  buttermilk,  and 
expose  it  to  the  influence  of  a  hot  sun.  Chalk  and 
soap  or  lemon-juice  and  salt  are  also  good.  As 
fast  as  the  spots  become  dry  more  should  be  rubbed 
on,  and  the  garment  should  be  kept  in  the  sun  until 
the  spots  disappear.  Some  one  of  the  preceding 
things  will  extract  most  kinds  of  stains  but  a  hot 
sun  is  necessary  to  render  any  one  of  them  ef- 
fectual. 

To  Remove  Spots  of  Pitch  or  Tar. 

Scrape  off  all  the  pitch  or  tar  you  can,  then  sat- 
urate the  spots  with  sweet-oil  or  lard;  rub  it  in 
well,  and  let  it  remain  in  a  warm  place  for  an  hour. 


THE  END. 


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from  which  it  was  borrowed. 


LO-UR . 
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